THE GOLDEN AGE IS UPON US

For all of you that have been hiding under a rock for the past day, the Lakers are back in the Finals and Kobe is poised to become the new MJ. Doug Collins even attested to that since MJ (and Pippen, but as more of a #2 in both regards) won a Larry O'Brien and then an Olympic Gold later in the summer, and Kobe will have a chance to do so this summer. But why do we consider Kobe the new MJ? Answer: Clutch. Kobe dropped 39 and made Bruce Bowen look pretty terrible before his year-end performance review. Duncan had a triple double, but he was just plain frustrated at the end of the game, even cheapshotting Gasol with an elbow on a terrible hook attempt that missed the rim.

So now the Lakers wait for either Boston or Detroit, and their wait should be the longest possible, as the Palace will be rocking tonight and will not be satisfied with a Pistons season ending in the Conference Finals again. Neither Our question is what will happen in Boston on Sunday, as for the first time, a good TEAM will be their opponent in TD Banknorth as opposed to a good player on a mediocre team (Cavs) or a plain mediocre team (Hawks). Most expected Boston to be the ones waiting for a foe in the Finals as the West was won in a gigantic skirmish of Game 7s, but the exact opposite happened. Kobe and the Lakeshow made quick work (quicker than the normal of these here playoffs) to get the Finals, and will definitely be at an advantage.

Lakers over whomever in 6.

(Also, a Golden Age analogy entry will be coming shortly.)

Link of the week: AJ Daulerio spells out the funniest shit ever in this examination of probabilities at the National Spelling Bee.

Video of the week: This

leads to the first one-line blog of all time.

Orange News of the Week: Look who's playing in Israel! As I am going off next semester, I hope my dog's namesake, one Otis Hill, is still playing in the North, moving from Ironi Nahariya to Hapoel Galil Elyon, a club based out of a kibbutz. The first chance I get to see him play, I will, wearing a 'Cuse article of clothing, and mention to him that we named our dog after him. On second thought, maybe I shouldn't mention that...

Finally another NCAA Title

On Memorial Day 25 years ago, the most successful Syracuse University sporting effort had its first national success as the underdog Orangemen took out the heavily favored Johns Hopkins Blue Jays for the school's first NCAA title in lacrosse. Sean Kirst wrote a great, though longwinded, story about them team, including Roy Simmons Jr. famously mispronouncing his opponent's name "John Hopkins" and that the sky would start out "Blue Jay blue" but end with an Orange sunset (Rasheed Wallace may want to take notes from Simmons  from this one instance of trash-talk that is just much more demeaning than his guaransheeds) at a banquet the night before the game, where Syracuse rallied from a 12-5 deficit in the 3rd quarter to eke out a 17-16 win that might have been the stimulus of the recent lacrosse growth sport (US Lacrosse claims that it is the fastest growing sport in the US) as it mainstreamed a run'n'gun style of play that lacrosse had not seen produce a championship team up to that time. It also helped increase popularity of the sport in the Syracuse area (Dave Ryan even mentioned the high school that we all went to as being a powerhouse, which is hilarious because it's been quite the draught of sectional championships, I think since 1992?).
Anyways, shit was ridiculous. We all played lacrosse once or twice, but mostly we gave it up before high school, but respect it because it's Syracuse's old stand-by. Plus, Jim Brown played it. Jim Brown is scary with just pads and a helmet playing football. But Jim Brown with a wooden stick? That's a nightmare for most. Mike Leveille was real steady on attack (he got the MOP), Matt Abbott reduced the risk of clears by just taking them himself (he fucked up one, but he did 3 or 4 clears on his own), Sid Smith, from the Six Nations, harassed Hopkins attack the whole day, and John Galloway, who fucked our school up on occasion, made some key saves. This despite the efforts of Mike Gvozden, the Brazilian soldier, and Paul Rabil, who had six goals, one of which occurred with 3 SU players on him. It was actually a good game, although not really a nailbiter. It was real sweet as they ran out the clock four corners style like Dean Smith.

"Mistakes were made"

Shocking news coming from ESPN today: The New England Patriots dynasty may be tainted.

Former Patriots lineman Ross Tucker told NFL Live last week that the head coach Bill Belichick has used players on injured reserve in team practices. Players placed on IR, under league rules, are not allowed to practice or play for the remainder of that team's season. Belichick, the defensive-minded mastermind behind the Patriots' recent run of success, has an impeccable record of closely following NFL rules, making this allegation even more stunning.

Word from New York is that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is "extremely unhappy" with Belichick's role in this so-called "Injured Reserve-gate"scandal and is considering punishments for the Patriots, including unprecedented fines and the loss of draft picks. Reaction from the media has also been stern and swift. At time of press, Gregg Easterbrook was busy completing a 22,000-word opus in the third person expressing the fact that he is shocked -- shocked! -- that such a scandal might break with the "Flying Elvii", and also explaining the science behind the latest supernovae and criticizing the US Mint's decision to circulate "too many" dollar coins at the same time, adding that the image isn't even the real Sacagawea, but an "impostor" model.

Some, however, have been slower to pile on the Patriots for their role in IR-gate. Members of the Boston media, including ESPN The Magazine columnist Bill Simmons, have stated that they would like to see more evidence of the charges against the Patriots. That evidence may come soon, when former Patriots towel boy Matty Walsh, Jr. meets with Goodell next week. The pair is expected to discuss the role that illegally using former Patriots S Guss Scott in practices may have had in the team's 32-29 win over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII.

May Your First Son Grow to Snort Lots of Yay

Yesterday I happened upon this article in the New York Times about Dutch passion for baseball, which is the equivalent of American passion for soccer, with a few die-hards but largely overlooked by much more popular sports. They have a league there based from the traditional soccer clubs, and Johan Cruyff, considered the best Dutch footballer of all time, actually started at Ajax as a catcher. And Holland produces their share of major leaguers, including Marlins starter Rick Vanden Hurk aka Henricus van Den Hurk, to go along with those from Aruba and the Antilles in the Carribean (Sidney Ponson and Andruw Jones among them). But this quote just made me lose it:

Her husband was a rabid Mets fan, she said, so when the boys were born the older, now 20, was named for Darryl Strawberry and the younger, now 17, for Dwight Gooden.

I could understand this if you just watched the Mets, but now these names are just jokes to me. Any baseball fan hears what their namesake is and will continually reference cocaine and crack for about an hour. This dedication of first born children would be the equivalent of someone in China naming their daughter Lindsay because they liked Mean Girls so much, but I guess that's how globalization works: non-Americans see our celebrities high off their asses, assume its because they are so likable that they see them on TV, and want to pay tribute to them. Just wait for the generation of Germans whose first and middle names are "David Hasselhoff" that will hear their name chanted in Miami by a bunch of old Jews...

ODDSMAKER 5/22

MANUAL BUZZER is your new one-stop gambling headquarters! Check here to see the MANUAL BUZZER crew deliver the hottest betting lines, straight from your favorite Vegas sports book!*


Point Spread

• PADRES (+53.5) v. Albert Pujols
  
• JAY-Z'S WEED DEALER (-1.5) v. Carmelo Anthony's weed dealer
  
• CHIPPER JONES BATTING .400 (pick 'em) v. Lance Berkman hitting 57 HR
  
• AGING THIRD BASEMAN PLAYING OUT OF HIS MIND (no line) v. Aging first baseman playing out of his mind
  
• MIKE PIAZZA'S INEVITABLE TELL-ALL MEMOIR (pick 'em) v. Eeeewwwwwwwww

Over/Under

• Remaining starts until Brewers SP Ben Sheets' annual major injury: 3
  
• Combined slugging percentage for Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre before Joe Torre and Andre Ethier snap and bludgeon them before batting practice: .248
  
• Total number of TVs tuned to an NFL LIVE telecast, this month: 127
  
• Number of games before Brett Favre's NFL comeback: 4
  
• Interceptions thrown by Favre in NFL return: 4

Odds

• Chicago Bulls Picking First in the NBA Draft – 59:1 (Oops.)
  
• Eight Belles and Barbaro, like, totally doing it in Horsie Heaven – 7:1
  
• The next commercial being -- GODDAMMIT, it's Giuseppe Franco again! - 3:1
  
• Scott Podsednik, David Eckstein among next Congressional steroids subpoenas - 10000000000000:1

* - respected Vegas sports book = our asses.

Indianapolis in late January/early February?!

Looks like Lucas Oil Stadium was a good enough draw for Indianapolis to get the 2012 Super Bowl (XLVI for all our Latin readers (NOT Latino readers)). We should be logical about this: Detroit in February was bad enough weather, plus that it's Detroit in February. All of us here were raised near Syracuse, so if one of our teams made it, I'm pretty certain it would be one of the more painful joyous trips. Phoenix has sunny weather, Indianapolis requires that I bring my parka to experience more cold weather and possibly a snow storm. That cost benefit analysis is enough for me. Maybe the NFL should get the Chinese to help...

Pujols is the JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!

Albert Pujols pulled a baseball first, as well as being a Ruthian type legend (or a Bruthian legend if you believe in the Sultan's gay brother Gay) when he took out the Padres starting battery (Chris Young and Josh Bard) within the span of two batters in the 3rd last night.
Video evidence via awfulannouncing via faniq
How about that shit? Pujols has got some dark fucking secret going on here that gives him the power to do such ridiculous shit. Deal with the devil? Use of a powerful artifact from one of four Indiana Jones films (more about Indy later in this post)? A Dominican birth certificate that says he is 1000 years old? A mutant? He'll injure another player this year, and Selig will have Mitchell dig for that answer. Steroids? More like Mark McGwire injected himself with Pujols' blood, and when La Russa grew tired of him, he just had Pujols take his place.
On the subject of Indiana Jones, because Lucasfilms and such won't release clips of the newest installment in order that spoilers are not publicized through this series of tubes, so instead we just get more senile-looking Harrison Ford, and this gem from Conan:

The funniest part of this was Ford's reaction. As anyone who has seen Entourage would know, after Vince made the Asian energy drink commercial, he got paid, but he also probably never saw it. Same with Ford for this; he just looked dumbfounded and couldn't really believe that this was the finished product. Turns out some shit does come back to bite you in the ass 30 years later.

Albert Pujols: 6-foot-20 Fucking Killing Machine

Albert Pujols has joined the ranks of Chuck Norris and George Washington as a stone-cold killer. In the third inning last night, Albert, in totally badass fashion, clubbed a line drive right at Padres P Chris Young's face, breaking his nose. Pujols, naturally, reached base safely and was credited with a single. He kicked some dirt into Young's writhing, bloody body on the way by.

But the bloodthirsty Dominican wasn't finished; he stood on first, pondering how to strike next. The opportunity soon came. When he slid into home plate two plays later, he managed to spike C Josh Bard and sprain his left ankle. He scored on the play, as well, and then stomped on Bard's right ankle, too, just because he could. The Cardinals -- showing no mercy whatsoever, thank you very much -- won the game 11-3.

THE SKY IS FALLING! (Hyperbolic Yankees Overreactions)

Tuesday night, during the Yankees-Orioles game, Yankees play-by-play man (and shameless Yankee homer) John Sterling pulled out his best Chicken Little impression and proclaimed, "the sky is falling! The sky is falling!" for nine straight innings on the radio. Tuesday night, the season was declared dead and buried when Derek Jeter took a Daniel Cabrera fastball on the wrist. And on Tuesday night, those claims seemed legitimate as the Yanks looked downright terrible en route to a 12-2 loss to the Orioles.

There was legitimate cause for alarm. Mike Mussina, who had pitched well as of late, lasted only through two outs of the top of the first before getting the old Vaudeville hook in favor of Ross Ohlendorf. The Yankee bats might as well have been those Noodle things you played with in the pool as a kid, because, as with the entire week before, nobody could find a hit and the Yanks mustered only two runs. There was also a report before the game that Chien-Ming Wang had an MRI done on his legs before the game.

So, was it really the end of the world Tuesday night?

You wouldn't think so if you listened to Sterling on Wednesday night, where Darrell Rasner once again pitched a gem, the Yankee offense got hot quickly, and it was morning in America again. Mark Feinsand joined the booth for the "Daily News Fifth" inning, and Sterling's only words were a sighing, almost fawning utterance: "Darrell Rasner."

Two nights, two games, two completely different moods on the Yankees radio broadcast. What gets me fired up here is the fact that nothing has really changed after one night. Even with last night's win, the Yanks are still four games under .500. This is terribly cliched, but it really is a long season. The Yankees are 46 games into a 162-game season. They've started terribly, and it shouldn't have been too much of a surprise. Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy have been pretty disappointing. A-Rod and Jorge Posada have missed significant time. Robinson Cano still probably couldn't hit a beach ball with a 2x4 at this point.

In the end, however, things tend to regress toward the mean and unfold as they should. All told, A-Rod will probably end up hitting 40 HR and OBPing near .400 again. Cano will find his stroke. Hughes or Kennedy, or both, will likely pull a Stella and get his groove back and end up with a respectable year. And if Joba is nearly as effective in the rotation as he has been in the bullpen, the Yanks could make a playoff push after all -- or at least finish over .500.

Realistically speaking, is it a team of aging stars? Yes. Is it the best team in the AL East? No. But, given their lineup, will there likely be a stretch this season where the Yankees play out of their minds and win 18 of 21 or something? If the pitching settles down, sure. Could they make a playoff push? Yeah. The Yankees were in a bigger hole last year and still managed to win the Wild Card. In other words: John Sterling, Sal in Brooklyn on line two on Mike and the Maddog, and Yankee fans in general: relax. There are too many games to declare the season over after one game and then saved after the next. I'm as passionate a Yankee fan as there is, but restraint and order rule the day.

If the Yankees continue to play like garbage, well, people will be frustrated and disappointed, but save the apocalyptic tone for when Hank Steinbrenner, in a drunken stupor, orders that the Yankees trade their entire starting rotation and bullpen to the Cubs for reliever Carlos Marmol and a prospect to be named later. Or, maybe when the Yanks lose a few key games in September to another Wild Card contender. Or something seriously catastrophic. Until then, level a bit. As bad as things look when the score's 12-2, morning will indeed dawn in America again when the Yanks lead 8-0.

Welcome to "The Machine"

In honor of Sasha Vujacic calling himself "The Machine," I decided it would be interesting to incorporate Vujacic into parts of Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" to show how ridiculous in makes Vujacic seem:

Welcome Manu,
welcome to "The Machine."
Where have you been?
It's alright Sasha Vujacic knows where you've been...
Welcome my son, welcome to the machine.
What did you dream? It's alright Sasha Vujacic told you what to dream.

As you can see from these samples, Vujacic is a fucking robot. He's like HAL-9000 but more Russian and a better flopper. And he makes it hard for Ginobili to go left, which it seems is one of the hardest things to do in the world judging from the Suns' and Hornets' inabilities to stop him. To summarize, "The Machine" can d the fuck up, trash talk, and tell you what to dream. Pretty frickin' good if you ask me.

Wednesday May 21st was Redonkulous

So, for a while, I promised that the Buzzer blog was back, and then there was this extremely hypocritical two-month and two-day hiatus, and now it truly ends. I'm flipping over the money tables to be your sports blog Jesus.

Champions League Final

I took in the game with one of our new blood (whose identity will remain under wraps until he chooses his identity since we are a free society here) at Tully's. Chelsea has yet to become a global brand, as evidence from the 3 Chelski fans there compared to the 10 ManU fans (It's fucking Syracuse, which attracts international talent (for benefit glorious economy) the way Greg Robinson attracts top D-1 football players: terribly). The first half set the tone of the match to be on a classic caliber, as ManU dominated possession but a costly bounce off of Ferdinand's back right in front of the goal was enough of a chance for Lampard to equalize in the 45th, offsetting Ronaldo's header off a Wes Brown cross in the 26th. Things got chippy, as expected from two teams that finished 1-2 in both England and Europe. Scholes ended up self-flagellating while trying to cheap shot a Chelsea player and looked like Silas in The Da Vinci Code in paleness and bleeding-ness. After the half, Chelsea took over as aggressor. Michael Essien started the game at right back, which is awfully out of position for him as he is usually a central defensive mid. He wasn't up to the challenge and let Ronaldo get free for his goal, so for the 2nd half, Grant switched him with Makelele and Essien definitely helped get some pressure on Van der Sar. Drogba managed to hit some pole on a strike from right outside the box in the 77th. Extra time was Chippy McChippers as both teams realized they wouldn't score, so they essentially turned to baiting. Grant chose to ruin his suit in the rain as Ferguson covered up his fly-ass suit with a jacket (25:1 ratio of price of Ferguson's suit to Grant's Israeli attempt to wear a suit) while both stood for the first time in the match to direct the baiting. And the winner was Manchester as Drogba tried to hook Nenad Vidic like a fish with his finger and saw some red and proceeded to take 2 minutes to walk off the field. And then, 2 minutes into extra time, every player on the field magically cramped up. The funniest part: while two sets of players tried to stre...I really can't explain this, so I will wait to find video of it and see Ashley Cole. To summarize: 1-1, 120 minutes player, 4 yellow cards per team, 1 red for Chelsea who would be key for penalties in Drogba.
Ronaldo should stop doing the little stopping thing on penalties. It's like how Tim Duncan stops at a weird point in his free throw during the playoffs, causing his percentage to fall 10% from the regular season (more to come on Lakers-Spurs); he leaves the flow and it's hard to get back into it. But lucky for him, Terry choked and Anelka shot the ball right into Van der Sar's hands (Source: awfulannouncing) and saved Ronaldo's ass for the FIFA World Player of the Year award (Terry deserves to be in Ronaldo's speech, but he probably won't out of fear for the revenge that would come to him on the field). My player of the match was Van Der Sar, because he won the game (goalies win penalty shootouts in football and hockey).
Terry Smyth was on SportsCenter after the game, and Brian Kenny asked him some of the stupidest shit. If I may quote:

Isn't there a better way to settle this than penalty kicks?

Now, I will answer this question because obviously there isn't since if someone knew, FIFA would know and they would be doing that instead of penalty kicks. But seriously, Brian Kenny, how dumb are people? I'll tell you: those that switched over to ESPN to watch Around the Horn at 5 because that is how their day was planned. Don't talk down to me, it just makes me want you to spontaneously combust even more.

To end the night, I capped with Lakers-Spurs, where the NBA wishes that Tim Donaghy hadn't been caught so they could have used him to influence the series to be a 4-0 LA sweep. Ginobili had one of the worst games I've seen him play, period. Kobe just waited for the second half to have a ridiculously clutch peformance and lead a comeback over the visitors. Only 2 points in the first half, and then 25? Kobe is playing like he will replace Jordan as the cornerstone of the league and be the influence on a generation of players that Jordan was for Kobe's generation. The sections of careers are comparable in the form of SAT analogies:
Kobe's 1st dynasty years: Kobe::MJ's time at UNC: MJ
Both grab our attention and begin to truly show glimpses of the mastery we will soon see from each, and each is surrounded by top level talent: Jordan has Perkins, Worthy, and Matt Doherty to fall back on at Carolina, while Kobe had Diesel in his prime in LA.
Kobe:Kobe's middle years sans Shaq::MJ: MJ's early years in the NBA
Both have begun to have to work with minimal talent around them and learn how to be cold-blooded. MJ fucks Craig Ehlo's whole day up against the Cavs in the playoffs just as Kobe decides to put in 81 on the Raptors to celebrate Papa's birthday (Papa, for all you curious ones out there, is Steve Perry of Journey). Both build up some fucking intense mean streak, but still can't break through because they need some god damn help around them, leading to...
MJ:First 3-peat::Kobe:Now
Kobe gets Gasol, MJ gets Pippen. Both don't need to work as hard on either end, but put up huge games. Both are coached by Phil Jackson, who gives them their opportunities on offense but plays them on worse offensive players so they can wander and make big plays on defense (See: game 6, 1998 Finals, MJ strips Malone late during his masterful "last supper" (last 5 minutes of his real career) and Kobe wandering while guarding Bowen right now).
So, there you have it, explained in its entirety. Kobe might end up winning more rings, especially after Bynum comes back and plays with Kobe enough (I'm pretty sure he'll stay with the Lakers for a while after his rookie contract is up) that the Lakers can win a title with Kobe shouldering half to less than that of the load he has right now.

More buzzer to come...