College Basketball is LIFE

And life this past week was watching Barack Obama soundly defeat John McCain in the US Presidential election. Why do I mention this? Because of its similarity to the 1990 NCAA Final, where UNLV absolutely destroyed Duke (unique style/black soundly destroys regular Republican attack/white campaign) and represented an affirmation that there was a more appealing style of basketball that involved watching Bobby Hurley and Christian Laettner get their asses dunked on. Krzyzewski was like McCain at the time, having built up prestige but never making it to the top (but he didn't have a rivalry with his father and grandfather). Tark was taking on the NCAA and its monopolistic practices while chewing on a towel (and his parents were Armenian immigrants).
But now, back to the semi-sloth life I plan to live under an Obama presidency. There is nothing I love more than sitting around on a weekend and watching college basketball from noon until 1AM, but things done changed this year. I hate being obtrusive, but with no cable where I'm currently living (and probably none where I will be next semester), I have to burden someone, whether it be a restaurant or a person who actually has cable, in order to practice this comfort activity.
And fuck it I will NOT stop doing this. Not with the amazing talent and not with the prospects of my Syracuse Orange(men) (FINALLY NOT OVERRATED!) this year. College basketball looks like it will be real good this year. Everyone is talking about UNC this year, but come on, we talk about UNC every year. They didn't lose anyone but Quentin Thomas last year who was a steady replacement for the injured Ty Lawson, who should be healthier, which will make things even easier for Roy Williams. And damn, he is going to start feeling pressure. Connecting the prestige of UNC to the skill and daft recruiting of Roy Williams leads to preseason national championship predictions every year. No Hansbrough for an unspecified amount of time as well as Marcus Ginyard set to miss some time will have its effects, but the Tar Heels still have that Tar Heel talent and Williams' excellent secondary break strategy that Ty Lawson will use to easily destroy teams. Could they get trapped with that Extra Super Tuesday matchup with Kentucky? Yes. But the Heels should still be a 1 seed in the tournament, and here are my other three 1 seeds:
Louisville: Rick Pitino got off to a bad start in his return to the Big East with the Cardinals in 2005-06, the year after the Final Four. But Pitino has made excellence strides with this team, with the late run in 2007 to get into the tournament, and have parlayed that momentum to a near Final Four appearance last year and a very strong team right now. Earl Clark is going to play like a top 5 pick this year. Terrence Williams is tenacious on defense and is a great contributor. Jerry Smith, Edgar Sosa, and Preston Knowles will be improved as all Pitino-coached players do between seasons, and will help Williams keep up the intensity of Pitino's signature pressure defense . The distraction that is Derrick Caracter has left the building. At one time, Caracter was THE center prospect in high school, until Greg Oden destroyed him in an ABCD game, leading to a downfall that included him declaring for the NBA Draft last season...before the NCAA Tournament. The front court will be pretty inexperienced, especially without the amazing passing of David Padgett, who looked like Brian Brohm threading the needle on backdoor passes to the tune of 2 assists per game. Terence Jennings and Samardo Samuels are going to need to step in immediately with no other big men on the roster, and they will need to play consistently, and well, for the Cardinals to have the regular season I'm expecting of them.
Connecticut: I can't stress how much I hate UConn and Georgetown, but when Syracuse (a subject I will return to later) gets eliminated or mistakenly left out of the tournament, you have to cheer for one of these teams. And UConn is the one you can also put your money on. AJ Price may be really old and did commit a misdemeanor when he stole those laptops, but he can still play and was an amazing point guard for this team last year, and probably could have gone farther in the tournament if he hadn't torn his ACL in the 1st round game against San Diego. Hasheem Thabeet will just keep getting better and will join Clark in the top 5 next year, mostly due to being 7'3" and having a gigantic wing span, but also an improved inside game that will make him tough to deal with. And don't forget his relative touch on free throws (69.8% last year) that makes him even more valuable.
The Huskies look exactly like UNC last year, with no seniors on the roster to lose, but they did add some players, although CJ Miles is gone. Kemba Walker and Scotty Haralson will provide depth at guard that will help Jim Calhoun avoid the tragedy (well, satisfying ending for me) to the UConn season last year.
Michigan State: Drew Neitzel was a consistent presence last year, but playing to his style made the Spartans boring. Their lack of true punch led them to be eliminated by Pitt in the 2nd round. Raymar Morgan will be the featured member of this team, with his size and ability to step outside and penchant for great defense. Marquise Gray and Goran Suton further solidify the frontcourt. Kalin Lucas will be a great pacekeeper for this team, and they will destroy the Big Ten with ease. And this.
#2 seeds:
Duke: Like Andre Nickatina does you, I hate Duke with a passion. But Krzyzewski has a nasty squad fielded this year. Nolan Smith will probably take over for Duke's all-time underperformer (well, second to Chris Carrawell) Greg Paulus at the point. Lance Thomas, Kyle Singler, Jon Scheyer and Gerald Henderson (most of all) will be nasty as usual. You know Coach K reloaded with another amazing recruiting class, led by big Miles Plumlee, who will probaly be platooning with Thomas unless Zoubek magically starts to improve his game, meaning that he will be platooning with both Zoubek and Thomas.
UCLA: Ben Howland adores every round of the tournament except for ones after the Round of 16. He took the Bruins to the Final Four two of the past three years, and to the Elite Eight last year, each time being eliminated by a championship game participant. Ben may have trouble getting this team to the Sweet 16 this year, especially since the 2 most talented players from last year's team were lottery picks (Kevin Love and Russell Westbrook) and the most powerful player (Luc Richard Mbah a Moute: he is a fucking prince!) was picked by the Bucks in the 2nd round. Jrue Holiday and Malcolm Lee will lead a solid freshman class, and Darren Collison and Josh Shipp are back. The post will not be as strong this year, as Alfred Aboya is not the offensive player (in scoring or in passing) that Love was. And Nikola Dragovic assaulted his ex-girlfriend!
Pittsburgh: I find it funny when a team falls victim to Jeremy McNeil. And the year that Syracuse won the national title, Pitt, at the Dome and by default about to become the #1 team in the country with a win (Arizona lost earlier that week to Stanford), Jeremy McNeil pulled the rug out from under them by hitting both ends of a one-and-one (Carmelo said after the game: "He never could do it in practice, and then we always gotta run.") and then tipping in a miss to put Syracuse up by 2 with less than a second left. Probably the most ridiculous celebration that side of the Hakim throwing the ball in the air against Notre Dame with way too much time on the clock later that year. Now, things are different. Still, Syracuse has been ranked #1, and Pitt, still never. Sam Young and Levance "Broken Legs" Fields are back, along with local hero DeJuan Blair. Jamie Dixon has by far his best recruiting class ever coming in led by Nasir Robinson.
Oklahoma: If I were to play against Blake Griffin, I'd shit myself too. Jeff Capel also has some real solid guards in Austin Johnson and and Kyle Crocker, whose mom made brownies for the team before their first game. Willie Warren is a welcome addition to the back court depth. But fuck, Blake Griffin is a fucking force. Sorry for cussin'.
#3 Seeds
Texas: I wasn't a firm believer in DJ Augustin last year, and now that he is with the Bobcats, I still am not. Damion James started playing really well, finally getting the chance to be out of the shadow cast by Kevin Durant (not doing so well himself in Oklahoma City). Dexter Pittman and Connor Atchley are solid up front. AJ Abrams is still there, and Justin Mason may be able to put together his freshman year (great shooting numbers and mediocre assist and turnover numbers) with last year (mediocre shooting and improved assist and turnover numbers). From among Harrison Smith, freshman Varez Ward, and Dogus Balbay, someone must improve or their back court will be weak like Syracuse last year (more on that later).
Kentucky: Billy Gillespie is about to work a miracle, and might get himself some Ashley Judd poon as payment. He did have a tough year last year but managed to beat Tennessee and get a tournament bid. This year? I bet Patrick Patterson is way healthier and he is definitely a dark horse first-team All-American pick, but I think he will have that solid year. Jodie Meeks in the back court and Perry Stevenson in the front court need to step up in order that Kentucky can play up to their potential.
Gonzaga: By far my favorite mid-major for being the birthplace of the Morristache. Austin Daye is what Pat Calathes could never be: a 6'10" guard who can dominate games. Josh Heytvelt is back, and no word whether he will get any magic mushrooms references from announcers is the Zags go far in the Dance. Jeremy Pargo, Matt Bouldin, and Micah Downs will handle well, and Mark Few also brought in a good class of freshmen that will make this team even more dangerous with their depth.
Purdue: A team with a nasty streak is the best way to classify the Boilermakers under Matt Painter. Gene Keady taught him how to play Purdue basketball, and his teams sure play it better than any of Keady's ever did. The core of E'Twaun Moore, Robbie Hummel, Keaton Grant, and Chris Kramer. Scott Martin would be on this list, but he transferred to Notre Dame for undisclosed reasons. But Purdue still returns 7 players who averaged more than 15 minutes per game and I think they will improve on their second round appearance in the tournament, as long as Keady didn't teach Painter how to choke.
#4 Seeds
Memphis: A lot was lost last year, including what seemed like a sure national title, but also the amazing Derrick Rose, who returned to Chicago to suit up for the Bulls, and the maniacal Joey Dorsey, who might actually make me shit my pants more than Blake Griffin if I were to guard him. Calipari brought in Tyreke Evans and Wesley Witherspoon to help make up for the loss, and Antonio Anderson, Robert Dozier, Shawn Taggart, Robert Dozier, Willie Kemp, and Andre Allen will be more than ready to increase their output to fill the void. And Pierre Henderson-Niles? Well, PETA had some choice words that may have led him to devour a few PETA members.
Davidson: I'll be the first to say that this ranking may end up being too high. Stephen Curry may be the best player in the country this year. I think he may have been the best last year, but Tyler Hansbrough just makes all hose sportswriters ejaculate with all his grit and being white. Stephen will have a but of a tougher year this year, especially without the dude feeding him the ball as Jason Richards, last year's national assists leader, graduated. The bulk of last year's team is gone, so Andrew Lovedale, Stephen Rossi and Zach from Saved by the Bell (Amirite? AMIRITE?!?!?) will have to step up, as well as the coach's son, Brendan.
Arizona State: Geez, it's been a while. Herb Sendek built up a team at NC State, and now one from Tempe is about to rise. James Harden could end up being a first-team All-American if the Sun Devils live up to expectations this year. Jeff Pendergraph wants to earn his own honors in his senior year, and Harden's fellow sophomore Ty Abbott will also be key to a good season.
Florida: Billy Donovan got a tough break when Jai Lucas asked to transfer because he wanted time at point guard, a position filled easily by Nick Calathes, who was solid last year. Billy did lock out his team last year, and if that doesn't make them angry about playing in the fucking NIT, I don't know what will. Eloy Vargas and Kenneth Kadji lead a group of 6 freshmen to add to 5 sophomores and only one junior and one senior. Give Billy a year to get back to the Final Four, because this group can definitely do it.
Meaningless Preseason Award Tour with Mohammed my man, going to each and every place with a mic in my hand:
Player of the Year: Hansbrough will win it, but I think Blake Griffin may just do so much at Oklahoma and Hansbrough may be out indefinitely for so long that Griffin will take it.
Coach of the Year: Vast improvement is the hallmark of this one, so I'm giving it to Billy Donovan, who may next make his players go kill an alligator to eat if they end up in the NIT again this year.
Freshman of the Year: USC lost a lot last year. OJ Mayo is with the Grizz in the League, and Davon Jefferson is with the Heat...the Maccabi Haifa Heat. USC is left with a team devoid of a scorer until Master P shows up and offers Demar DeRozan as long as his son, Lil Romeo, also gets a spot on the team. Now, no other team showed interest in Miller, who might not even be good enough to play in the Ivy League. Actually, I'm 100% sure Lil Romeo would not be able to compete in the Ivy League. But Demar DeRozan should be dominant in the PAC-10, and will probably be way more efficient than OJ ever was.

First Team All-Americans:
C: Blake Griffin, Oklahoma
F: Tyler Hansbrough, UNC
F: Patrick Patterson, Kentucky
G: Stephen Curry, Davidson
G: Ty Lawson, UNC

Second Team All-Americans:
C: Hasheem Thabeet, UConn
F: Earl Clark, Louisville
F: Sam Young, Pittsburgh
G: Gerald Henderson, Duke
G: James Harden, Arizona State

Freshman All-Americans:
C: BJ Mullens, Ohio State
F: Al-Farouqq Aminu, Wake Forest
F: Demar DeRozan, USC
G: Scotty Hopson, Tennessee
G: Jrue Holiday, UCLA

Teams for which I have a rooting interest, analyzed:
Syracuse: I fucking love Jonny Flynn. I could give a shit if Donte Greene is getting time in the League (he barely is, but probably will when the Kings miss the playoffs and stop caring), because Jonny Flynn is going to do big things at Syracuse. 5.3 assists last year? With Rautins and Devendorf back, that number will rise. He shot 46% (I am pissed about that, he should have been shooting more with his much more accurate jumper than Donte was) and 35% from 3. Jonny is the barometer on this team, and he will lead them however far they go.
Arinze is fucking solid inside, and hopefully his free-throw touch will be better. And if Rick Jackson can actually make shots in the post (the moves were great, the touch was not)? The inside will be solid. Maybe even Sean Williams will be solid too. Paul Harris will continue to be a bull on the boards and might not be as stupid as he was last year, which includes cooling it with the 3's. Devo and Rautins will make it way easier for everyone if they are on mark, which is highly likely. Mookie Jones and Kris Joseph will be solid additions to the team to replace Donte. I am very excited. Bring on Florida, bring on Memphis, bring on the Big East, and let's see what this team can do.
Penn: That transition year was weird last year. Ibby Jaaber seemed fine without a transition year. So did Mark Zoller. Now, Glen Miller builds. WTF???!?!?!?!? Kevin Egee (cheated on an astronomy exam, off of yours truly) and Brennan Votel are the leaders, although their experience doesn't seem that useful. Darren Smith returns from a year spent being injured. Will he be better? Will this dude from the Bahamas be any good? The sophomores should be ready, as Tyler Bernadini took home the Big 5 Freshman of the Year award last year, and Harrison Gaines looks poised to be the floor general of this offense. There was much turmoil in the starting lineup last year, so if Miller can settle on a 5, the Quakers will be solid. Just wait until after the 1st game (lol UNC).
In one week, Extra Super Tuesday begins, and by golly, I will have a change of pants available. Or a catheter installed.

The Republican Party's Fall As Told Through Sports

As far as we can see, Republicans are nearly extinct. Hell they've been on their way down since Reagan lied his way through making us feel happy while actually letting the savings and loan crisis slip through his teflon hands. But right now? Things not looking too good, especially as John McCain chooses "the Gipper" as the movie character most similar to him on "Meet the Press." McCain thinks he will die and become a rallying cry for the Republicans? That's not what I call optimism, but I digress.
Let's just go back to 2006's Gubernational election on Pennsylvania, which boiled down from Democrat vs. Republican to Eagles vs. Steelers, as Ed Rendell, former Philadelphia mayor and still contributor to Eagles postgame on Comcast Sports, beat out Lynn Swann, a HOF Steelers receiver. That really didn't help the Republicans make any headway in our swing state, and Democrats have made huge gains. But how bad is it? Hell, look what Franco Harris is up to right now. Sure makes the Republicans look lacking in the endorsements in Pennsylvania, especially since Rick Santorum has (thankfully) disappeared for good. Even a populist figure couldn't even get close to pulling off an election? Not a very good sign, even with Swann's complete lack of political experience.
And McCain? Look no further than fellow white-haired, aging-so-fast-before-our-eyes Arizona icon Lute Olson, who stepped down from his post as head coach of the Arizona Wildcats last week amid a divorce (his first, as his first wife died of cancer) and a VERY possible NCAA violation (NOT A SMART THING TO DO!) and probably had a stroke (taking care of himself as well as McCain keeps his medical records complete). Probably makes him look worse than McCain, but with this, I'm not sure:


Wow, well, let's go Phillies!
And now for this: this a proper way to do something, and then there is the completely wrong way to do something. Bud Selig did the right thing for Game 5. But he just did it the completely wrong way. Seriously, the adverb to describe how he suspended Game 5: fucktardedly. You either stop it before it becomes official, when even a Sri Lankan would call it a monsoon in the 3rd. But just letting the Phillies fuck up? I don't think so. I can't believe MLB has this fucking stone robot under contract for another 4 years doing a job that he seems to do extremely terribly, except the owners LOVE money, and Selig makes sure they get a shitload. Whatever, like I care about baseball that isn't the Fightins'.

SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET ROWDY

Philadelphia hasn't been this happy since Super Bowl XXXIX, when Donovan reportedly threw up their chances in the last minute. And this is quite a bit more definite. As I am here, I thought I'd write about the atmosphere, because it extends way beyond the South Philadelphia Sports Complex area. EVERYBODY is gettin' perked, both through foreign materials as well as through the success of the Phillies (and some with the foreign materials because of the Phillies). I saw one dude walking around in a Mets hat and generally just getting jeered. People weren't even trying to kick him or anything, just mocking his hat choice! It is amazing.
The day that Philadelphians had yesterday was ethereal. For the first time in the history of the South Philadelphia Sports Complex, two teams played home games on the same day. And The Who played a show at the Wachovia Center while the Phillies played Game 4. Both were preceded by the Eagles beating the Falcons easily. But for all of this I just want you to close your eyes and imagine this: tailgating the Eagles game at 11AM, going to the Eagles game, leaving the Eagles game perked from the victory, having to find a new parking spot (probably not possible, even as Lincoln Financial was, as usual when they are in contention, filled up), tailgating for the Phillies, going into the Phillies game and watching the mass extinction of the World Series' hopes of a species, and then leaving to revel on Broad Street? I'd fucking dig that. That is the opposite of sports fan suicide.
Tonight, I'll be watching at a local bar, and then hopefully tomorrow, I'll be at a parade. To those who doubt my plans, I say, WHY CAN'T US?

THE BUZZER MAKES QUANTUM LEAPS AND OTHER BIG NEWS

So I submitted a list to McSweeney's and LOOK WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. Just like Scott Bakula in terms of making the leap, but more of staying in my own body. Okay, stop jumping on my back all of you followers of this blog. Seriously, the four of you have hurt me greatly with this celebration! I feel like fucking Kevin Everett (I know, TOO SOON.). Really, this is the easiest shit to do...ever. It doesn't even take balls, I think it's just consciousness and a pinch of wit. But seriously, Mike Mussina does crossword puzzles everyday, and he's turning to Joba for help compiling a list? No wonder the Yankees missed the playoffs.
Moving on to more meaningful current events, but because of our recession, it seems that Wikipedia has also devolved. I couldn't believe this shit:



The featured article of the day for the English version of Wikipedia...is TYRONE WHEATLEY?!!!?!!111//1/1?!?!?!?1/1/!?1?1?!?! If Wikipedia were the true measure of American attitude to the depression, here is what would be happening right now:
1.) All universities would burned for warmth and the metal scrapped.
2.) In an ode to the Dominican impoverished population's dedication to baseball, children would take all their parents' checks and cash and paper mache them into helmets and pads to play football.

Well, that sounds pretty god damn sad, so I think I'm going to keep it political and move onto some presidential campaign bullshit. First off, on Deadspin, I read that John McCain is getting herbal supplements from Bill Romanowski (The link is so worth it to see the face John McCain will make when he shits himself to death in 4 years). Also, this whole situation implies one thing: John McCain is a steroid user. Look, "Romocop" may be off the juice now, but really, he's probably still on it because who the fuck is going to drug test him now? Does Roger Goodell give a shit about Bill Romanowski? No. But I guess John McCain does, and that shit is big enough that he is willing to take steroids. Didn't Jason Grimsley get busted while he was playing for the Diamondbacks? From what I'm reading, John McCain is very pro-steroid. If he is elected, I'm thinking lots of dudes' balls will shrink and further decrease the birth rate, which should help the approaching overpopulation of the planet. But Sarah Palin will probably grow balls.
And the vice presidential debate! Never has losing looked so much like winning to every idiot pundit in our country! I went to the gym after the debate and I was only listening as those idiot talking heads "analyzed" the debates. And for some reason, the fact that she didn't lose that badly was a victory for the McCain campaign. I'm sorry, but she came off, and I know this next sentence will be the most offensive thing I will EVER put on this blog, but she came off to me as being even more retarded than her infant child. In foreign policy, she made the most common bullshit Republican misconception on Iran her main point: Ahmadinejad is in control of Iran. In reality, it was sort of like how Lane Kiffin was reportedly in control of the Raiders. And her plan to put the American embassy to Israel in Jerusalem? That one was pretty much out of left field no country has an embassy in Jerusalem proper and no one is proposing it), and will pretty much piss off every Palestinian ally and make a peace deal that much more unlikely if she and McCain do bring that up. She only had talking points. She had no response to anything that Biden said, and he gave her something she couldn't even defend herself about when he made fun of the Bridge to Nowhere, which she reportedly actually took the money for but then didn't have it built. Funny thing is that in Wasilla, if you get sexually assaulted, you have to pay out of your own pocket for the pap smear, and she has all that extra money, and NOW she is about women's rights? Sarah Palin is a sick fucking joke who in reality has such a lack of foreign policy experience that I could teach her something in a debate, which is sad.
Anyways, all this shows is that McCain is Bob Dole redux (he was also a war hero you know, and essentially also an incompetent liar). And if our country somehow elects him, well, I'll just miss Bill Clinton a whole lot more. Please don't elect him. PLEASE. Too bad Syracuse can't lose a game to increase my faith in the world.