NBA Begins Anew with Donaghy Headed to a Jail Cell

Best part of the night so far: The Rockets and Lakers benches standing up for a really long time at the beginning of the game, waiting for their respective teams to put in their respective first points of the season. Check this out: http://scores.espn.go.com/nba/playbyplay?gameId=271030013&period=1
As you can see, it takes a while for the bold print (aka made basket) to appear as you scroll down the summary of every shot attempt and call made. So, for 3 minutes, the Lakers bench stood, and the Houston bench waited 5 minutes and 23 seconds. Nearly half a quarter to get your first make of the year? Pretty rough, but the Rockets now have an 11 point lead with 2:03 left. Anyways, here is four sentences or less about every NBA team, ranked by conference, with playoffs picks. Probably some awards picks as well:
Eastern Conference:
1.) Chicago Bulls
A very solid starting five, and first four off the bench are Thabo, Duhon, Nocioni, and Joe Smith (soon to be replaced by the Red Bull injected into Joakim Noah's veins). If Kobe comes over, there will be a shake up here. I think this team can break through this year, but Kobe isn't a part of it. This roster will do it better.
2.) Detroit Pistons
Coming off of being LeBron James first stepping stone to legend, they got two quality draft picks in Arron Afflalo and Rodney Stuckey who will both learn to take over for Rip and Chauncey. Sheed, Chauncey, Tayshaun, and Rip remain from the title winning starting five. Solid depth at power forward with Dice and Maxiell (both probably also helping spell Nazr Mohammed a lot as there is no other center game-ready on this roster (Talking about you, Cheick Samb, you weigh 195 lbs.)). Definitely a Conference Finals appearance this year, but can they get back over the mountain?
3.) Boston Celtics
I need you to bear with me here: the 2007-08 Celtics are like the band Cream without the conflict between Ginger Baker and Jack Bruce. You have three superstars in their respective positions (Eric Clapton being Ray Allen because he is just virtuoso on threes like Clapton on a Fender, Garnett being Ginger Baker because he's the tallest and Ginger is consistent with rhythm as Garnett is consistent with rebounds, and Paul Pierce as Jack Bruce because he will be setting the tone on this offense: if he can play well, he will make life much easier for Jesus and KG with his ability to slash). The truth is they all need each other, and hopefully, they won't have conflicts amongst them. If that happens, they probably can make it to the Conference Finals. Also, funny white dudes in "Pregame Slam Dunk Display" Scalabrine and Scot " 'do " Pollard.
4.) Cleveland Cavaliers
LeBron of course started his playoff legend with 29 of the Cavs' last 30 on the Pistons in Game 5. Not much change to the roster, which is not helpful to LeBron. LeBron couldn't beat the Spurs because all the attention was on him. A shooter (Had a shot at Michael Redd when he was a free agent in 2005, but it didn't happen (need to pony up some bills)) would be nice, and so would many other players, but Danny Ferry refuses to make cap space and take a chance. So here is a less-than-spectacular season from your 2006-07 Cleveland Cavaliers...in 2007-08.
5.) Orlando Magic
Rashard Lewis at power forward will help key a trip out of the first round for the first time since 1996. Jameer Nelson and Carlos Arroyo need to get the ball to Lewis and Howard early and often for the Magic to play well. Also, one of the funniest things I've ever seen: At Shaq's roast of Emmitt Smith, Guy Torry gave one hell of a performance, and also took a poke at a Maloof brother with a joke about Hedo (it was pulled from YouTube, but if I ever find it, I'll post it here).
6.) Toronto Raptors
No longer the strongest team in the weak Atlantic, but still a solid playoff team. Raided Maccabi Tel-Aviv after the Israeli outfit beat them during the preaseason in 2005 and came back with Maceo Baston and Anthony "My Sis Sure Can Dunk" Parker. Bosh will be First-Team All NBA, and I expect a classic between the Celts and this team in the first round...and I mean series, not just one or two.
7.) Miami Heat
Ricky Davis takes Antoine Walker's spot in the starting lineup, and James Posey, a key contributor from the 2006 title team, is now a Celtic backing up Paul Pierce. Shaq is Shaq, but he's still older. And Wade is just...Wade. No question that will be scary if he's healthy the whole year, which should be possible since he missed the Olympics to rehab his knee and his shoulder.
8.) New Jersey Nets
The Kidd-Jeff-Vince triumvirate returns for another installment of underachieving in the playoffs. Carter returned because he was so terrible in the playoffs. He better show some fight against their first-round tilt, or Vince cannot expect to be the featured player on a contender ever again.
9.) New York Knicks
Who knows if Isiah will even be working by the time the season ends. He already cost the Dolan's $11.6 million by sexually harassing Anucha Browne Sanders, so the pressure to win will be even more heavy for him with Stephon Marbury getting busy with new employees in the back of his car and an otherwise pretty much mediocre lineup with two sparkplugs off the bench in David Lee and Renaldo Balkman. Zach Randolph needs to either dominate the East immediately or else get to Scores while he's supposed to be at a funeral.
10.) Washington Wizards
Big three of Caron, Zero, and Jamison are headed towards not being in the playoffs this year. They're great, but they have Etan Thomas coming off open heart surgery, so only Brendan Haywood is available to start at center. Shooting guard Deshawn "Last Name Tattooed on my Back" Stevenson has 2-3 years before Nick Young should be ready to replace him (more on Mr. Young when I get to the Hornets)
11.) Indiana Pacers
Good enough to be the best of the worst third of the conference, but not ready to breakthrough. Give Granger a season to really start working well of Jermaine O'Neal. Marquis Daniels managed to get a huge deal from the Mavericks and then disappeared after learning he was not going to replace Steve Nash and Devin Harris got drafted. He will not be able to get another contract like what Cuban gave him unless he starts playing like he did in '05-'06. He could also be key to this squad getting to the playoffs if he can regain that form.
12.) Atlanta Hawks
For the first time in a long time, the draft is actually going to make the Hawks better. And by draft I mean the past three. Acie Law IV and Al Horford will be competing for playing time immediately. Joe Johnson will continue to put up numbers as he did for the National Team during the summer, so a possibly very dangerous starting five could emerge by the end of the year with Law at the point, Joe Johnson at the 2, Josh Smith at the 3, Marvin Williams at the 4, and Horford at the 5. Atlanta could make some waves at the end of the year playing some spoiler, but will probably rest these guys and try to make a run next year not hindered by injuries.
13.) Charlotte Bobcats
Is Jason Richardson really the key to this team, key enough to trade away Brandan Wright? MJ sure thinks so, and he also thinks Sam Vincent will do better than Bernie Bickerstaff. I agree with the last part, and I also think Richardson will be able to add some scoring and possibly 1 or 2 steals a game to this team (aka mediocre defense). If you ask me, a step backwards for a young franchise that is struggling to start any sort of winning.
14.) Milwaukee Bucks
Yi Jianlin might need a little bit of time before he can be an effective player as can be seen from his preseason and most of his summer league. Michael Redd is just sick, but not much going on around him except for Mo Williams, who just keeps getting better, and Andrew Bogut, who just keeps getting weirder (http://blog.mlive.com/fullcourtpress/2007/07/andrew_bogut_has_the_nbas_new.html) and seems to lose value a little more each game, and Charlie Villanueva is solid at power forward on offense, but not much time spent playing defense for him.
15.) Philadelphia 76ers
On Comcast SportsNite two days ago (Monday night), they said it would be the first time that the Sixers have started the season without a superstar. No expectations, and a ball-grabber named Reggie Evans was signed. Andre Miller looks better, but is still in terrible shape. Samuel Dalembert is somehow now a Canadian. Kyle Korver still can't play defense. Oh, and Andre Igoudala still hasn't received the Slam Dunk Contest trophy from 2006.
Western Conference
1.) San Antonio Spurs
Last year's champs have the same lineup, but this is not a problem for the Spurs as it is with the team they beat for the title, the Cavs. Darius Washington might be able to stay a Spur all year, if he keeps playing like he did on Opening Night. Duncan is there until 2012, and he won't be stopped until he retires. Back to the Finals is what's expected, and they will probably do so with ease.
2.) Phoenix Suns
Good as ever, and revitalized Grant Hill will definitely be able to help Steve Nash get to the Finals, but Hill cannot get hurt, and he has to be as consistent as he was last year in Orlando. He also has to be good on the defensive end if the Suns want to go deep in the playoffs.
3.) Utah Jazz
Defense. AK-47 was ridiculous last night swatting 5 Golden State shots last night. Deron Williams had 24 points on 8-15 shooting and 8 assists, basically numbers every coach would love from their 1. Maybe this year, when Mehmet Okur d's up Tim Duncan, the rest of the Jazz could d up the rest of the Spurs, and maybe they could win the series...but only if that second part happens.
4.) Dallas Mavericks
Only here because of last year's first round. The Mavs were shown to be beatable by the Warriors last year after the great season, and it just really took away from their rep coming into this year (easily dealt with the Cavs earlier tonight, but when they play a team that improved from last year or maintained a solid lineup, I wouldn't bet on the Mavs). Nick Fazekas looks to learn to prepare himself to take over at awkward yet effective and very skilled big white dude for the Mavs.
5.) Houston Rockets
Tracy McGrady looks to fulfill his destiny as Harry Potter
(http://manualbuzzer.blogspot.com/2007/07/harry-potter-5-told-using-current.html) and get past the first round. Luis Scola is 27, yet still looking to win the Rookie of the Year award. I'll tell you why they fired Van Gundy. He gets so tied up in his emotions and forgets to do stuff, like coach McGrady out of the first round, just as he had to watch Hoosiers in that NBA on ESPN commercial and not drive the RV.
6.) Denver Nuggets
AI and Carmelo needed a summer to get better, and there will definitely be improvement for them this year. Nene and a supposedly healthy Kenyon Martin platooning at power forward will be tough to handle. And Marcus Camby, Defensive Player of the Year? The bench is otherwise thin, and Steve Blake's shooting will be missed. JR Smith's return to the lineup will be the most important factor this year. If JR can return to pre-brawl form (16.7PPG and shot 45.8% from 3 in 9 games in December), the Nuggets can probably move up a few spots on this list.
7.) Los Angeles Lakers
As long as Kobe plays here, he will try to win. It's just his nature. No matter how bad Kwame Brown is, no matter how little talent is around him, Kobe finds a way. He found a way to put up 81 on the Raptors in 2006, so he'll find a way to make this team win. If Andrew Bynum can play some defense, look for this team to get a few wins.
8.) Sacramento Kings
The Kings starters intrigue me, but their bench just makes me giggle. Mikki Moore was good in the East, but the Kings will get a rude awakening when he doesn't play like he did in East Rutherford.
9.) Golden State Warriors
I am having some doubts about the Warriors after they got shelled by the Jazz. They need a consistent double-digit rebounder and to cap opponent scoring at around 100 to be able to be consistently in contention. Otherwise, the Baron will just end up having to get them in during the last game of the year.
10.) New Orleans Hornets
David West, CP3 and Tyson Chandler are a solid core to build around, but the Hornets definitely should have taken Nick Young instead of Julian Wright at 13. That would have made this team extremely dangerous with Young's amazing shooting-slashing balance. Young is in Washington, so I don't expect the Hornets to make much noise in the West. How touching that the Hornets will play in New Orleans for 41 home games. Don't give Oklahoma City a basketball team, it would make everything really weird.
11.) Portland Trail Blazers
LaMarcus Aldridge looked amazing last night, scoring 27 but pulling only 3 boards. Even without Oden, the Blazers looked really good. Good enough to not have that good a chance to win the lottery this year. Brandon Roy was limited by Bruce Bowen but still managed to get 6 assists and 5 rebounds. He will be a solid player this year, but he will definitely become a perennial All-Star type player if he keeps playing good defense and stays consistent on offense. Also, playing more than 70 games would be ideal.
12.) Memphis Grizzlies
Mike Conley Jr. is not starting yet for the Grizz, but Iavaroni is getting him ready to play the role Steve Nash did in Phoenix. Conley will need to learn to shoot to give him that dimension that Nash has, but otherwise, he's not playing just because he needs to learn this offense. He will have weapons if Rudy Gay learns to play hard, which he seems to have not done since he was in high school. Darko? What the fuck?
13.) Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers go as Elton Brand's ACL goes. Thornton should be a nice small silver lining to Brand's dark cloud.
14.) Seattle SuperSonics
Well, Kevin Durant is a hucker. And Jeff Green should be pretty good. People in Boston will regret not having him when the Big Three retire.
15.) Minnesota Timberwolves
You were so pathetic that you had to trade away the best player in your franchise's history. You'll also probably end up seeing that as a curse. This team could get interesting next year when these guys have a year together under their belts. Pretty youthful team with the trading away of Ricky Davis. Hopefully Antoine doesn't look around and decide to shoot a 3 every time down the floor, but that's probably what will happen.

Playoffs:
Eastern Conference Finals: Celtics over Pistons 4-3
Yeah, classic.
Western Conference Finals: Spurs over Suns 4-3
Yeah, Spurs always win.
Finals: Spurs over Celtics 4-2
Maybe the Big Three can pull off 2, but the Spurs have a much more dangerous team that involves five players working together than the Celtics dependence on three.

Awards:
MVP: Steve Nash, Phoenix Suns
Dirk did not deserve it when Nash had the best year of his career after being MVP twice. Kobe will round out the top 3 in voting as he continues to carry the Lakers.
ROY: Al Thornton, Los Angeles Clippers
With Elton out for a long time, the former Seminole should take on a load of the scoring and probably get some good stats for the lowly Clips.
Sixth Man of the Year: Leandro Barbosa, Phoenix Suns
He consistently is putting up huge numbers off the bench, and Boris Diaw will challenge him for the award as he platoons the 3 with Grant Hill, currently listed as the second best on the depth chart. Wait, wouldn't one of these guys be considered a seventh man and therefore not be eligible for the award?
Coach of the Year: Scott Skiles, Chicago Bulls
Basically, if they get the best record in the East, Skiles will be considered a genius and run away with the award. But if he doesn't, Bob Swerski and Todd O'Connor will shove a rack of baby-back ribs, whole, down his throat, killing him immediately of a few heart attacks. They also demand that the Bulls have an average winning margin of +103.6.

That's all, enjoy it while you can, because soon college basketball (AND A COLLEGE BASKETBALL PREVIEW) will be coming our way soon, and we'll forget about the NBA, and everybody will start to not play hard until the season is almost done.

ESPN Classic Aims to Curse the Red Sox

Check out this schedule of games where teams have rallied back from deficits in World Series:

8:00AM: Who's #1? Game Winners: They probably won't show Ill-bay Uckner-bay, but don't game winning plays always make you think of game losing plays?

1:00PM: 1968 World Series Game 1: Tigers at Cardinals: This one was sort of a miracle: the Tigers went 1-2 at home, but somehow were able to win all 4 games played at Busch Memorial. Be scared of miracles.

2:00PM: 1969 World Series Game 5: Orioles at Mets: "Miracle Mets" went 100-62 after going .348 from 1962, their first year in existence, and 1968. The Mets also had a miraculous downfall this year. Lots of miracles floating around this one.

3:00PM: 1971 World Series: Pirates vs. Orioles: not sure which game is on: Orioles, the defending champs (as well as obviously being the favorite), came back from being down 2-0 to win in 7. I think I heard about a World Series that started out like that pretty recently...

6:30PM: 1986 World Series Game 7: Red Sox at Mets: Bringing this game up in conversation with a Red Sox fan is like bringing up the fact that someone got crabs from a hooker: you just don't talk about past losses like that when you're trying to get another championship. So basically, ESPN Classic will have 0 viewers at this time in the Boston metropolitan area and most of New England.

7:00PM: 2001 World Series Game 7: Yankees at Diamondbacks: You guys are starting to look like you are going to start winning like that team you really hate...yeah...so don't try to win too many times, because then you could end up signing Kevin Brown and destroying your abilities.

But don't forget about 63 at 10:00PM. Even though Jordan dropped that number on a Boston sports team, that Boston sports team still won! So, if Matt Holliday manages to score another run while not touch home plate, maybe the Red Sox can still have a chance to win somehow.

Rutgers Proves that ESPN is a False Prophet and also a Fascist Government. Plus, Joe Buck and

Tomorrow night, for the second time in two weeks, Boston College will be the second #2 BCS team to play on Thursday against a very worthy and ranked conference opponent on ESPN. Oh, and two #2 teams were upset in the two weeks before, as both USC (to Stanford) and Cal (to Oregon State) fell to unranked opponents. Last week, of course, unbeaten South Florida lost possibly the best game of the year to Rutgers. Now the greatest SportsCenter commercial ever:



I did just digress right there, but for good reason. ESPN is like the English government in V for Vendetta (If you haven't seen it yet, PROBABLY A GOOD TIME TO STOP READING THIS). One dude releases a virus, then a little while later, they also release the cure and force the citizens to get involved in this ridiculous At 17 seconds in, you see the Rutgers Scarlet Knight pulling a Josh Thomas on Josh the Husky (official name, which probably makes some kids think to back in the day at JC Penney, me included). ESPN told us that this was a sign of the apocalypse, but now it is real. Though not in basketball, Rutgers has somehow risen to become a contender for the Big East football crown. I actually thought the apocalypse would come when Syracuse lost to Rutgers in 2003 for the first time in 3000 years and Rich Scanlon tried to kill a Syracuse fan in the crowd who was yelling at his mom. Then again, I thought it would happen when Herve Lamizana banked in a 3 to beat Syracuse at the RAC earlier that year, but then they won the national title. My point is: Rutgers came the fuck out of nowhere, bringing in miracle man Greg Schiano, and we are all shocked. ESPN took advantage of our shock and now makes us listen to every expert's pick because it could be another apocalypse. We need to reject them. If we do not, they will destroy sports. Mark Schlereth already has started to destroy sports by not playing himself in a cameo on a soap opera as Roc Hoover. How sporty is that? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being shaving legs for smoothness and 10 being a bone-jarring hit, I'll have to go with a -2.5. And Steve Phillips with his pretending to be GM of every team in the MLB? Steve Phillips signed Mo Vaughn to his Mets contract, end of story. Subway Series means jack shit, buddy, because the Yankees rocked "your" Mets. Remember my warning to you all: watch out for the beast that is ESPN.

Other news: Within the span of one half inning, Joe Buck and dugout reporter Michael Rosenberg of FOX made terrible identification errors and were not crrected by others or themselves. In the bottom of the 4th, Joe Buck first claimed that Dustin Pedroia, whose stats were at the bottom of the screen, was Jacoby Ellsbury. And then Michael Rosenberg claimed that the Rockies played the Cubs in the NLDS. This is my formal request for Tim McCarver to grow a cerebrum and some balls.

I'm off to Imaginationland. PEACE!

Long Overdue Notice that Makes the Isiah Trial Even Funnier

As we continue to laugh at Isiah's ridiculous actions that were made public knowledge 3 weeks ago, we can find one more thing that just makes this sort of sad: Isiah Thomas' son, Josh, who goes by the handle "Little Zeke" (Really, do you think you can assume any position of team building or management by using the nickname of the worst executive in NBA history?), doesn't like gay people and the way they talk to him. According to an anonymous source who was a freshman at the same time as Little Team Destroyer at George Washington University in 2006-07, Josh came back drunk to his room last year, where his roommate was up (oh, and also gay). He started talking to Josh, but Josh thought he was coming on to him, and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. Injury details weren't given, but it was reportedly pretty gruesome. Josh is probably now back in New York helping to quicken the downfall of the Knicks. Oh, and I can't wait for the sexual harassment suit from the gay MSG employee.