World Cup Semifinal I

Now that we are this close to the matchups that few expected. (Where is Brazil? A better question: where is the head of that idiot Felipe Melo?) So let us preview your World Cup semifinal that will take place in less than an hour.

Uruguay vs. Netherlands
This was the most unexpected of matchups. Alas, what do you expect from the weakest quarter of the knockout bracket? Ghana's Asamoah Gyan choked in the most major of ways and Luis Suarez now looks like a genius, albeit an idiot of genius. While La Albiceleste lives on, Suarez's extremely purposeful handball keeps him out for the semifinal. He will play another game, but it is very likely to be extremely meaningless if the Netherlands wins. (Even the Dutch can squeeze in a good joke about it) Otherwise, expect Suarez to be the newest of Ajax's asset to be sold off for a gigantic profit for the good of the health of Dutch football.

The Dutch fans of Ajax will thank Suarez with all that money. Their path to the final has been made that much easier as their defense does not have to deal with a striker of skill like Suarez. The Dutch defense had an embarrassing showing on Robinho's opening to the scoring in the quarterfinal, on a pass right through the center. The Uruguayan defense has been excellent of late, but their will will be tested by the numerous attacking options owned by the Dutch. Wesley Sneijder has had a masterful tournament, but Robin van Persie and Dirk Kuyt are poised to break out soon. And don't count out new starter Eljero Elia, who has proven that even with a hot girl behind him, Rafael van der Vaart is pretty damn overrated.

Anyways, I have to take the Oranje to win this one. Uruguay has had an easy run, and this will be the best team they play so far, and it will be without their best finisher.

World Cup: Group C and Group A recap

This World Cup fight is so 1980's, and I hope it breaks out tomorrow in Rustenberg. It probably won't though. This group presents a quagmire for the betting man. To take what looks like the weakest American squad in years in hopes of upset glory not seen since 1950, or take England, who look ready to stomp this group out like a small, pale Michael Strahan. I will be cheering for the US tomorrow, but in no way can I put money on them. This team will be nowhere near as good as the two that were put out by Arenas in 2002 and 2006, the latter of which fell into a deceptively strong group. And Peter King is hoping his British counterpart (an SI sign of the apocalypse if he exists) is ready to use protection if their bet on the game tomorrow involves some sort of reenactment of the movie Deliverance. Anyways, the team capsules please?

England
Nickname: Three Lions (on the shirt. I know this because my asshole camp counselor from Manchester in 1998, Neil, played this shit over and over and over again. He loved that team. Then they bowed out to Argentina on penalties (FUCK YOUR ARMY, YOU CAN'T PLAY SOCCER, BITCH!) and I mercilessly mocked him. Keep in mind, I was 11 years old. Never play the same song over and over again when I wake up. I will end you using words.
Abbreviation: ENG
Last World Cup: 2006: Keep in mind, they qualify every year, and they find new and exciting ways to choke and drive their country to depression. Anyways, Wayne Rooney hit the jackpot by STOMPING ON A DUDE'S NUTS in frustration, and his teammate at the time, Cristiano Ronaldo, working the referee hard to get him thrown out.

Somehow, they won a Champions League together two years later. And managed not to kill each other. Ah, to have lots of money.
How did they get here?: Breezed through their qualifying group, losing one to Ukraine, but ending up with a +28 goal differential. Yes, get your hopes up, Englishmen, it's almost time to choke in the knockout stage!
Manager: Fabio Capello, the first non-Englishman in charge besides village idiot Sven-Goran Eriksson, but definitely not a village idiot. He took over for Steve McClaren, who couldn't translate his lack of success in Middlesbrough into success for the national team, but did take a Dutch League title this past year with FC Twente (their first ever, mind you). Capello is a tactician, and he actually seems to have England in great form coming into the tournament. He has had quite a bit of success as a club manager, winning Serie A seven times, two of which were revoked after the Juventus betting scandal. He also won La Liga twice with Real Madrid. And he also won a Champions League with Milan. Basically, he is overqualified.
Player to watch: Wayne Rooney at striker. While Ronaldo left Old Trafford for Madrid, Rooney stayed and has shown Ronaldo to be overrated by continuing to poach goals with ease as Ronaldo struggles with "injuries" at the Bernabeu. Rooney may be small, but he'll put the ball in the back of the net with ease. I already showed his temper in the video above. I think Capello has him under control, so expect him to be in the running for the Golden Boot this year.
Player not to watch: Theo Walcott, Arsenal. The young Gunner was left off of the final roster by Capello, a shock to many after he played well during spells of qualifying. His speed and value as a reserve will surely be missed when England chokes out of the tournament. But I'm sure Arsenal fans who are not from England will be happy he is out: Arsenal bit the injury bug pretty bad last year and ended up with no trophies with about half of their starting lineup in wheelchairs by the end of the year.
Prognostication: Like France, England lucked into a very easy group. They'll have no trouble getting out of this group. The question is whether Capello can keep them from making a complete collapse during the knockout rounds, and I think he will be able to put it off for longer than other coaches have been able to.

USA
Nickname: Sons of Sam, The Yanks
Abbreviation: McGuigan's favorite, USA
Last World Cup: 2006: The US got used by Ghana and the Czech Republic, and were the only team to not be defeated by Italy at that World Cup in quite the bloody match. It was quite the disappointment, especiall because people didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to watch it as they did in 2002. Well, it should lower expectations for this year, but it didn't.
How did they get here?: The standard qualifying with CONCACAF left Mexico and the US on top.
Manager: Youth soccer nepotism lives on! Bob Bradley coaches, and you won't believe who will probably be starting: his son! Bradley did help lead the US to their biggest victory in history when they took out Spain in the Confederations Cup last year. However, he also oversaw their collapse in the final at the feet of a Brazilian team that didn't even try during the first half.
Player to watch: Landon Donovan. Sorry, Cobi Jones, but you were one of the worst midfielders in the history of US Soccer. Donovan is the heart of this team. His struggles made everyone around him look like crap in 2006, and the team did nothing. They need him to step up once again like he did in 2002, especially with a much weaker squad than in 2006.
Player not to watch: Charlie Davies. Davies has something of a cult following, but boy is it deserved. Davies is by far the best strike in US Soccer right now, and may end up going down as the best ever. He should be starting and combining with Jozy Altidore, but his club, Sochaux, has not cleared him to get back to playing after his near-death auto accident on the George Washington Parkway. He will be missed, especially when the US makes an early exit.
Prognostication: Another exit after the group stage. The US is going in too confident again, and I just don't think this team has the capabilities to get the points necessary to progress. Algeria and Slovenia have advantages in athleticism and tactics, respectively, and if the US goes down tomorrow to England, it'll make the games even harder as both will become must-wins.

Algeria
Nickname: Les Fennecs (The Desert Foxes)
Abbreviation: ALG
Last World Cup: 1986: Les Fennecs were defeated by Spain and Brazil in the group stage, managing only a point on a tie with Northern Ireland. 1982 was better, as they managed to beat powerhouse West Germany in their first match in the tournament.
How did they get here?: Tied with Egypt after the last round of African qualifying, a one-off was called for and would be held in Khartoum, Sudan. Algeria got one goal from defender Antar Yahya, and it would probably have been pretty dope to have been there (at 0:52):

Of course, there is also the diplomatic row between the two countries due to the rioting following a match in Cairo.
Manager: Rabah Saadane, who presided over their last trip in 1986.
Player to watch: Abdelkader Ghezzai, Siena. A striker who has been moderately successful in Europe. If he is on point, some people are going to win a lot of money. Not me, I didn't bet on them.
Player not to watch: Mourad Meghni, Lazio. Probably the most accomplished player in Europe left off the roster. Sorry, I know nothing about this team.
Prognostication: Maybe a surprise? The US does not do well against Muslim countries in group play (see: Iran in 1998 handing asses to us like the handed back the hostages following Reagan's inauguration). This team may get the US, but I don't think they have a chance to get out of the group.

Slovenia
Nickname: We don't do nicknames
Abbreviation: SVN (SLO would be pretty bad)
Last World Cup: 2002: Three losses, including one that was the first victory in a World Cup final history for this year's hosts.
How did they get here?: Dominated Group 3 with the team they are often confused with, Slovakia, but coming up two points short put them in a playoff with Russia, which they took on away goals surprisingly following the Russians' amazing showing at Euro 2008.
Manager: Matjaz Kek, who led the U-15 and U-16 teams for Slovenia before getting this job and getting them to the World Cup.
Player to watch: Samir and Jasmin Handanovic, both of Serie A, are cousins and both play keeper. It's funny that their last name is Handanovic and they get to use their hands when playing football. MINDFUCK!
Player not to watch: Not really anybody notable who was left off or anybody notable from history.
Prognostication: This team is tactical, which will present a problem for the organized chaos that is US football and Algerian football. I see them in the knockout stage, but that will be it.

South Africa vs. Mexico
First off, fuck Sal Masakela. Dude works for E! and he gets to go to the World Cup? A bunch of bullshit. I'll go to Soweto and report on people watching the game. Anyways, Siphiwe Tshalalaba put in an amazing strike from the left for the first goal of the tournament. Amazing to see it from South Africa. But a free kick left Rafael Marquez open to level in the 79th minute. Coming away with a point was a disappointment for Mexico, but a big victory for South Africa. Parreira could probably make a home in South Africa for the rest of his life following that match.

France vs. Uruguay
Two national teams heading in two different directions, and France held off on a collapse for a little longer. Forlan missed a chance in the 72nd minute, and Thierry Henry and Florent Malouda could make no magic off the bench for Les Bleus. Still looks like Uruguay will progress, but will France step up their game? I'm thinking the performance will be like World War I, because I don't know how a soccer team can have a performance analogous to the French capitulation in World War II on the pitch.

Anyways, keep enjoying the matches tomorrow. I'll be tweeting at 7:30AM tomorrow through the games, follow me @dubsj

World Cup: Group A

With kickoff less than 24 hours away for South Africa, who seem slated to be the first host nation to not get past the group stage, the Buzzer is back to preview each group, team by team. I was thinking of starting with Group B or something, but then I thought about the alphabet and being organized and stuff, so I went with Group A.
A few notes on the World Cup to start: this is of course the first tournament held outside the friendly confines of North America, Asia, Europe, and South America. It took enough time to expand the tournament to get it to this. However, this is also the first time the tournament is being held in the autumn. Some people think this will leave teams at a disadvantage when coupled with the high altitudes. Personally, I prefer running around with a slight breeze as opposed to the deathly heat that characterized nearly every game during the tournament in Germany. But the altitude should have some sort of effect on the teams appearing in the tournament.
Otherwise, while US ticket sales are very high, the State Department seems to be playing into Blackwater's hands by telling Americans to be very, very scared of all the crime they will probably fall victim to since they aren't in the suburbs anymore. Really helping with that flow of goods and capital that is part of globalization. USA! Anyways, to Group A we go...

South Africa
Nickname: Bafana Bafana (Zulu for The Boys)
Abbreviation: RSA (Republic of South Africa-mindblowing, right?)
Last World Cup: 2002, they actually won four points in the group stage but didn't advance due to having one less goal scored than Paraguay.
How did they get here?: Easy, they hosted the damn thing and somehow got everything ready despite a giant strike that included the people building the stadiums.
Manager: Carlos Alberto Parreira. The Brazilian won one World Cup in 1994 with his homeland, then in 2006 proceeded to lead them in their biggest national embarrassment in a loss to the French, which was ameliorated by the fact that the French made it to the final and were probably a headbutt away from lifting the trophy in Munich.
Player to watch: Steve Pienaar, who plies his trade at Everton. Also has the same name as that dude that Matt Damon played in Invictus who united the country through rugby. He is a strong playmaker who played some amazing football when he coupled with Landon Donovan in central midfield while the American was on loan. Can he do the same as Francois did with the rugby team and unite the country? Remains to be seen, but I'm not putting my money on it.
Player to not watch: Benni McCarthy of West Ham. Dude got cut because he was overweight and sex wasn't helping him lose it. Hell, I'm fat and out of shape, but YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. Way to make your country proud. He actually scored a couple goals for Bafana Bafana in 1998 and 2002.
Projected finish: Not making it out of the group stage. Despite being the economic power of the continent, South Africa is in no way the soccer power. If you're looking to put money on an African team, Cameroon, Ghana, and the Ivory Coast are much more stable bets. But more on them later.

Mexico
Nickname: El Tri (The three-colored)
Abbreviation: MEX (mindblowing, right?)
Last World Cup: 2006: An easy group draw helped them easily take second over Angola and Iran while Portugal got out unscathed. Then, in the round of 16, fellow former Spanish colony Argentina took them out with help from a Maxi Rodriguez wunderstrike

Yeah, that burns. Especially when Martin Tyler knows it was a goal coming off his foot.
How did they get here?: Easily skipping through CONCACAF qualifying alongside the US minus some trouble with Honduras and the whole business of Sven-Goren Eriksson slowly digging a grave for the team before he was fired.
Manager: Former national teamer Javier "El Vasco" Aguirre. He managed to beat the US outside of Mexico (something he failed to do in 2002 that led him to Osasuna in Spain's La Liga) for the Gold Cup in 2009. He deals with stress better than Mexico's 2006 manager, Ricardo Volpe, who was known to lord over the sideline while going through two packs of Marlboro reds and then falling into a delirium when the game would go into extra time. Aguirre is also an improvement over known incompetent Sven-Goren Eriksson, who will actually somehow be at this World Cup with the Ivory Coast following almost letting the Mexicans not qualify. Luckily, someone knew to fire him.
Player to watch: Carlos Vela, Arsenal. The striker will most likely be coming off the bench, but he should have a huge impact on the El Tri's chances. He showed flashes in his moments on the pitch with Arsenal this year. Expect more when Aguirre calls on him.
Player not to watch: Omar Bravo, Guadalajara, who at 30 is too damn old for this team, despite putting up a brace against Iran in 2006.
Projected finish: The first three of this group are a crapshoot, with Mexico, France, and Uruguay all having solid teams but not exactly anything to call the bookie about and put up your last paycheck. I'm going with third, as France and Uruguay have a lot more guys making their livings in Europe that will ultimately put them over the top.

Uruguay
Nickname: La Celeste (The Sky Blue...OMG IZ DAT DUH CULUR OF DARE UNIFORMS?!?!?!?!?!?!1/1/1/11/1? Or delicious cheap frozen pizza?)
Abbreviation: URU
Last World Cup: 2002: Pretty embarrassing. France had their worst showing after winning in 1998, as they only got one point, and they got it against Uruguay. Needless to say, they are looking to improve on that in South Africa.
How did they get here?: Maradona managed to motivate Argentina and get them to beat Uruguay and not need to play in a playoff against the fourth team from CONCACAF, a fate which fell to La Celeste, who beat Costa Rica 2-1 on aggregate to advance to the Final.
Manager: Oscar Tabarez, a former AC Milan manager, where he sucked, also known as El Maestro, this commie bastard plans to teach and attack. Poop your pants before the proletariat poops in them for you.
Player to watch: Diego Forlan, Atletico Madrid. Once considered a huge failure at Old Trafford for only giving the Red Devils 10 goals in 63 matches, Forlan moved to the continent and put in work in Spain for Villareal and now Atletico, making everyone regret that he couldn't get up to speed with the English game. He helped Atletico to the Europa League title with 2 goals against Fulham. If he is in form, expect big things from Uruguay.
Player to not watch: Fabian Carini, keeper, Atletico Mineiro. Carini is the second most-capped player/keeper in Uruguay history, but he will not be with the team after retiring last year. Weak goalkeeping usually doesn't mean lifting trophies and Uruguay's three keepers have a total of 18 caps between themselves. Just ask the English about unsteady keeping (more on that later).
Projected finish: Come on down to the knockout stage, Uruguay. Advantages in the field help outweigh advantages in the net. They should have little trouble with South Africa and they will tie Mexico. Then again, what about France?

France
Nickname: Les Bleus (The Blues)
Abbreviation: FRA
Last World Cup: Can I put .gifs in here? Yeah, too much of a hassle.

How sad is that? Zidane has an absolutely masterful tournament, then Materazzi says something to him and he goes off. He gets the Golden Ball, but he must walk past the World Cup trophy. And Zidane carried this team in the knockout stage after missing the third group game with Togo following two yellow cards in the first two matches.
How did they get here?: Cheating

Manager: Raymond Domenech. Somehow, the man who relies on the stars to set his lineup and needed a no-call on a handball to qualify is still the coach. And I can't get a damn job anywhere. Maybe if I win a World Cup, Chipotle will hire me...
Player to watch: Franck Ribery of Bayern Munich. Zidane's heir has a lot of work to do and will be carrying this team from midfield with his amazing runs. Hopefully he won't be driving the bus.

Basically, he isn't a good driver.
Player not to watch: Zinedine Zidane. Since he retired from football, the French team has been in the water closet. Euro 2008 was a huge disappointment, and needing a no-call to qualify shows how desperate things are for Les Bleus. Who knows, maybe Zidane will return and not look as close to death as every old professional wrestler who keeps going into the 40's.
Projected finish: Domenech should thank his lucky stars that he got such an easy group. Les Bleus will overpower with their talent, but the knockout stage will be a very different story for this team.

Group B and Group C will be posted tomorrow, Group D and Group E Saturday, Groups F, G, and H on Sunday.