Pappy Chalmers...A Wizard a True Star

Bravo to Dannymac. Amidst all of the nonsense he delivered something that I plan to print and hang in my office, as I knew that he would. It makes me sound so much better than I actually am, but I love that. With all apologies to Pappy for momentarily stealing his thunder, I'd like top quickly address the apparent controversy over my profile of Dannymac.

I'd like to first off apologize to anybody out there that I offended with my section about Dan's ex. More specifically to Dan's ex girlfriend Jess Getty. She's absolutely right that I know nothing about her, and did not portray her in the best light for not knowing her. Again, our average reader count of this blog can be counted (very generously) in dozens, so to say that I didn't think that anybody would really see that would be very truthful. Aside from that, I know it's hard to believe, but I was really making fun of Dan more than anything but I can see how it came across, so again Jess, I apologize...

As far as any other problems that people had with what I wrote, I really don't care. It was meant as a tribute to Dan, and that's how Dan would see it, and I knew he would understand. Did I throw in some parts to bust his chops...yes, I didn't want want to make it seem like a love note, and wanted to add some inside humor that Dan would be able to enjoy. If anyone out there really believes that I'm an asshole for writing that to Dan, than I'd like you to think back to the last time somebody spent hours publishing a tribute that basically called you the most well rounded genius in the world, and stating the various reasons why. I plan on following the same formula for Joe's tribute. So...

Joseph Dubroff...A Wizard A True Star

When I think about Joe, and our friendship, I can't help but think of the wide range of time periods, situations, and venues that we have been part of together. From 2000 onward, Joe has probably been in more memorable moments with me than any other person. Few if any people know me better than Joe does, and the same can be said about me towards him. There's a lot of detail and minutiae to sift through, but I will do my best, sectioning off his profile by titles of songs that Joe and I have jammed out to.

"The Spark of Life"-Joe's introduction to Wellwood

There's no specific profound moment that I remember meeting Joe. There were a bunch of new kids who renounced their religion to join public schools after elementary school. My memory brings me to seventh grade, being teamed up with Pappy in a handful of classes. I've got to be terribly honest, I had no idea what to think of him. Even as a twelve year old, he was a totally original prototype. Somehow he would always make me laugh though. Right off the bat we shared a unconditional love of sports, and music. As a seventh grader Joe was in tune with great music. While all of our peers were drooling over Ja rule and Creed, Joe was the only person I knew that age who could talk about Steely Dan, or Public Enemy with me.

Joe's love of sports, specifically basketball, was also something that allowed us to hit it off. Some of our favorite middle school basketball names included but are not limited to; Preston Shumpert, Allen Griffin, Eddie Griffin, Ty Shine, Jon Linehan, Troy Bell, and Ricardo Greer (obviously our focus was college basketball at that age and not the NBA...by the way, if you can name where all of those players went to college without googling than you can hang with us anytime). Joe, though at that age not looking like it, was ultra competitive, and a perfect person for intramurals, where he would become legendary at banking in straight on threes. Other fun facts about Middle School Pappy:

-Invited me over in seventh grade to watch the classic dvd "The Song Remains the Same." Probably not the best idea for two kids very interested in drugs, to watch an hour of the members of Zeppelin carrying out drug induced fantasies, as we watched in total admiration. When Joe gets married, I'm going to do my best to find the "Enjoy Coca Cola" logoed shirt, that actually said Enjoy Coccaine, and get it for an engagement gift.

-Joe's barmitzvah was an event for the ages. We trashed Temple Beth El with corn and cheerios, danced like we were all on E, and then played spin the bottle with all of Joe's cousins, and aunts. Only one part of that is made up

-In typical Joe fashion, he would drive our "soft like tissue paper" orchestra teacher Mr.Mendez out of his mind by plucking classic rock songs on his cello. Apparently Mendez had enough one day and snapped. As Joe was furiously plucking away at "Crazy Train" Mr. Mendez grabbed a pair of scissors. From what Joe told me, he looked so mad that he thought he might stab him with the scissors, but instead he cut the strings on Joe's cello, and then violently yanked them off the cello. Just take a second and imagine a gay teacher doing that to a middle school string student.

-Perhaps the event that put Joe on the map. One day during Mr.Stokes seventh grade Social Studies class, Joe needed a tissue. Joe was one of the taller kids that we had around at that point, so if he got up and walked to the front of the room, people were going to notice. I can't remember/don't want to remember the events that lead to this, but when Joe got up, the entire class was able to tell that he was thinking happy thoughts if you know what I mean. To be more specific, he was wearing sweat pants. So there Joe was, in front of twenty five pre-teen boys and girls, blowing his nose in the front of the room, with a chubby like it was no big deal.

-eighth grade English, we witnessed a substitute teacher of ours KILL A BIRD that came into our classroom. The rest of the details don't matter

"Memory Lane" by Nas...High School

I should have known that the comedy/music/sport Gods would pair Joe and I in the same home room for four years. During that crazy first few weeks of High School, as everyone feels out the landscape, it was good to have a running mate that was familiar with my game, and I'm sure he felt the same way.

If I was confused by the enigma of Joe Dubroff when I met him, then I'm sure many of the new people had to be equally as puzzled/intrigued. A few qualities of Joe were abundantly clear by this point though.

1. Another highly intelligent, bright friend of mine. Nothing but accelerated classes and good grades.

2. Made everybody in his classes laugh with his one of a kind sense of humor

3. Despite his different physique, and somewhat lack of speed-the dude could ball. He made up for whatever lack of athleticism he had by developing a game that highlighted the things he did well (and the things he did well he did very, very well. More to come)

These three things, among others, helped Joe become almost an underground legend amongst the land of the Hornet. Joe would never be the type that tried to please everybody, or try and fit in with everybody. For the most part that didn't matter. Being the enigma that he is, it's very difficult to explain Joe to somebody who hasn't met him. What he does have, are a series of stories and anecdotes that would make Eric Devendorf jealous. Here are some of the best, and I feel describe Joe the person to a stranger;

-Starting our freshman year, Joe decided that the everyday pledge to the flag was just too mundane. Now 99.999999% of the kids in our school wouldn't even know who John Carlos and Tommie Smith were, leave alone pick up on a tribute to them. This did not deter Joe from giving me what has to be the most underrated, and bizarre memory I have of High School. For at least four or five months, Joe, A curly haired white Jewish kid from Manlius, would imitate John Carlos during our pledge to the flag. Black glove and all, Joe would put his glove covered fist into the air with his head down as he stood for the pledge. The confused look on kids faces is with me still today. Looking back on it as in adult, it's the type of absolutely bizarre, ahead of its time humor that honestly could have warranted it's own Dateline Special, if not at least a Chapelle segment. If you weren't there to see it, and understand what the tribute was for as it was happening, then you will never understand just how funny that was.

- As mentioned in Dannymac's profile, Joe spent four fun filled years in orchestra with his Buzzer mates. To be honest, the genesis of this blog started in those classes (in my opinion at least). In a way that only Joe could, he transformed the ho-hum assignment of writing a review of our concert performances after watching them on tape, into a three time a year off the wall sports column. How did he do this you ask. Well here are a few gems from these reviews that I will attempt to paraphrase (or at least give you the comparisons) over five years later:

-' The violins in Concierto reminded me of Villanova's four guard set, with Natalie Brandt being Randy Foye.' I don't remember for sure, but I seem to remember him comparing our lead cello player Brain Howe to Curtis Sumpter as well

-'The violas as usual were a half a beat late, a la Levon Kendal's haircut being half a decade late'

-'The second violins were shaky again, a la Rajon Rondo's end of game free throw shooting

-there were a trillion other brilliant references that I can't remember unfortunately. If anyone were ever to get their hands on these though, I would guarantee that it will be the hardest you laugh for weeks

- Joe was my most trusted teammate on a series of bball squads. The members of our team were beyond stoned for all of our games, meaning that a) Nobody but Joe or I played a drop of defense, and b) there wasn't a lot of good decision making going on in those games. In order to win the most satisfying league title I've ever had (senior year basketball), I needed Joe to do his thing. I was rarely let down. Amongst the gunners and strong personalities on our team, it would have been pretty easy for Joe to quit playing, as I'm sure he was frustrated at getting stuck with us his share of times. In the end, he would provide his share of spectacular games (GET UP MR. BURNS!!!), and always a solid presence

- Submitted multiple 1,000,000,000 word editorials or sports pieces to McKeever, the editor of the school news paper

These stories scratch the surface of High School Joe Dubroff. Day to day Joe never let down when it came to always saying the funniest possible remark/comparison that our classmates served up. The best was yet to come...

"Stone Free" by Hendrix. A man with the world in front of him

Our boy Pappy went down to Penn, and graduated, which should pretty much speak for itself. The great thing about Joe is that the good things about him never changed despite being in such a different culture (except for the fact that he abandoned all his non SU sports roots, and began to root for the Phillies, Eagles, and Flyers like he grew up there, but whatever). On Joe's visits home, he always acts like we haven't missed a beat, which is the way I would rather it be.

The first few times that Joe returned from school was when I really began to notice that he had really elevated his bball game. I mean he could literally shoot from anywhere inside of 20 feet with lethal accuracy. I think he gained (or bought) a little speed and agility down in Philly, but at this point Joe is somebody that I can take with me in any venue, and know that he'll compete.

I'm somebody that has a bunch of different groups of friends that are of all backgrounds to put it mildly (think George Costanza's "worlds" rant), and Joe has not only been able to fit into all of them, but can crack every single person in the group up. I don't know any other person that I could say that about.. A few relevant post High school stories;

-Sadly, the actual quote is unprintable due to it being through the roof offensive to some. Let me just say that on a winters night in 2008 at Tully's, Dan and I were treated to a moment that I can really say is in the top five moments of my life. (Even this sentence may be offensive) Joe's quote about a recently deceased person in the Syracuse area, was so unbelievably funny, that Dan and I laughed for ten minutes straight legitimately. I'm talking like no breaths or words spoken, just falling over laughing. The only sports play that I can compare it to is the helmet catch by David Tyree in the Super Bowl against the Pats. Joe took a subject that was going nowhere, and seemingly had no options, and turned it into pure comedy gold, that both delighted the comedy gods, and made them blush at the same time. Perhaps when another five years pass, we can safely print what he actually said

-Joe was part of what would become (sorry to the fantasy football league that Dan, Joe, Ben, and others are in every year) the greatest, most competitive fantasy league in the history of fantasy sports. We had real fights, real personal bashing that went on daily, over 100 trades, name changes, and true villains. Joe unleashed some of the greatest team names I've seen, in gems such as Dutch Like Smits, SBD's A La Tayshaun, and DocEllisAndTheLSDNoNo. As a side note, Joe did NOT win that league.

-amongst my inner-city friends Joe has been given the surname Chad, because I guess he just looks that white

-I was able to meet his girlfriend over the summer, and I will give her my stamp of approval for Joe.

Overall, no profile that I write about Joe can properly describe him or give him enough accolades. He truly is as unique a person as I've ever met, and you have to be around him for long stretches to even begin to understand him. What I can say, is that Joe is the funniest person that I've ever met in my life. I can say that I doubt a person out there has more knowledge of sports, music, or even pop culture. Thanks for years of adding laughter, for being able to talk NBA, and for being as good a friend as I have.

This concludes our profiles. Hopefully you take these pieces as some insight into the minds, and histories of our contributors, and not as a chance to compliment, and make fun of each other. All five of you that got a chance to read these know that if nobody but these two read my blogs I wouldn't care, and that being able to take part in the Manual Buzzer with these guys is a blast. I hope that we continue to grow and improve.

Dan McKeever...Warrior of the Mountains

I'm not sure that there's a less interesting time of year in sports than early August. I refuse to talk NFL Training Camp, and I pretend that the NBA isn't about to cancel what would have been it's most talked about, and watched season since twenty three stopped playing. Baseball has provided some good summer hijinx, but it seems kind of pointless to do any true analysis until September, especially given the fact that there are only four teams that can win it all this year. What I was thinking instead, was to mix it up a little. The Manual Buzzer, in my estimation is somewhere in the ballpark of five years old. Currently, our staff consists of Dannymac or as my mom calls him, Danny McKeever, Pappy Chalmers, better known as Joseph Dubroff (or as the ancient Israelites called him-The Burning Bush), and myself-Steve DePaulis. If there are any readers out there, no doubt they've been given a small look into our sometimes original, sometimes factual, and always impregnable minds and writing styles. What makes up the men behind these words? Well, you are lucky enough to find out. Instead of a forced sports piece, I'm profiling my partners in crime (and our friendships) in a two part tell-all, starting with Dannymac. (These profiles will be 95% fact and sometimes sappy)

The Early Days

My first experience with Dan, was on the bus in Kindergarten. Dan and I both lived on the same street, hailing from the same lower middle class area, in an upper middle to upper class school district. Now a kindergarten bus generally consists of two types of boys. The first is your totally over-matched momma's boys, who hide on the inside seat next to either a member of the opposite sex (think Forest Gump and Jenny), or a polite immigrant. The other is your loudmouth, destructive little boy. Fart jokes, action figures, and bullying usually make up this group. Dan McKeever fell into neither group. The first time I remember Dan, was that year on the bus. Somebody nudged me to go take a look at this crazy kid at the back of the bus. Upon going back, there was Dan, with a full sailors outfit on(dead serious). Even better, he was ranting about how he loves fish, and kept repeating "FISH! I LOVE FISH!!!" It was so bizarre that I can remember it to this day. I really wouldn't have much interaction with Dan until around the time that he was nine or ten, but that story seems relevant in profiling Dan.

When Dan and I truly hit it off was middle school. Being paired in Ms. Cosgrove's fifth grade puberty factory, we quickly realized that we weren't quite like the other kids. I'm guessing on that first day of Middle School, Dan surveyed the classroom. I'm sure what he saw was every person in that room wearing brand new Old Navy, Gap, or whatever was trendy for kids to wear at that point. His eyes probably next went to me, sporting a shirt that had sleeves too long to be a t-shirt, and too short to be long sleeved. This shirt went perfectly with my jeans that I also happened to wear on the first day of fourth grade, and my shoes that looked like they were straight out of the donation boxes from the holiday drive. I don't recall exactly what Dan was wearing, but I'm sure it was something eerily similar. Right there we had an understanding. While we certainly made other friends, there was always an unspoken understanding that Dan and I were raised in entirely different worlds from the ones our classmates were raised in. It didn't bother us in the least, and aside from some really embarrassing times (like when Dan said he wore a T-shirt down to his knees to cover up what was/wasn't on underneath, or when I had a boot and a shoe on at the same time) we made light of it. Obviously, we both knew/know that there were kids who grew up with less money than we had, and in far worse living conditions. The difference is that when it came to school, those kids were at least on level playing fields with their classmates. When you have no money, and you live in a district that the most affluent in the county, it makes you incredibly aware of your situation.

Dan used this to his advantage. Instead of being embarrassed that he wore shirts twice or three times in the same week, I'm guessing that he appreciated things more for going through that. The genesis of the the hard working, down to earth Dan was created in those years. Some other fun facts about middle school Dan:

1. Had a different crush on a girl every week seemingly. Erratic even for a middle school boy. The JP-C era being his Matt Clement, Edgar Renteria period if his relationships were Red Sox free agents.

2. Dude was tiny short all the way through middle school. Picture a fifty inch color version of Dick Van Dyke wearing a shiny Puma jersey and you have an idea of Dan.

3. Dude already was the smartest kid in the district by seventh grade. He probably could have taught most of our teachers at Wellwood (our middle school)

4. Dan was one of those kids that was popular without having to hang with the popular crowd if that makes sense. He had the respect of the jocks, stoners, preppy kids, and nerds. If he was an athlete, he'd probably be Robert Horry, seamlessly fitting into any team he was put on and contributing.

5. For all of sixth grade Dan rocked a flip up hairdo in the front, that aside from his Dick Van Dyke look, also gave him a Pee Wee Herman undertone

The Later Days

If the friendship of Dan and I were a movie, I would definitely have to go with the classic Stand by Me. I've often told Dan that I was River Phoenix's character, with him being whoever that main character was that had a leech on his dong in the swamp. While I was thinking it was cool to under achieve and apply no effort to a GPA probably a point lower than it should have been, Dan was in classes at least a level above me, also not seeming to care about his grades, and still managing to bang out grades that would given Bittner a wet dream. Our high school lives were probably a little different.

Our fall back was that Pappy, Dan, and I were all in (gulp) orchestra together. For four years we were able to embrace the fact that we were surrounded by orchestra nerds. This produced some of our best times together (more detail to come in Pappy's profile). We also got the chance to hit on two different hotttt(at the time) student teachers, with Ms.Missildime being Joe Dimaggio to Ms. Baretta's Micky Mantle. We got the pleasure of wearing tuxes , while our female counter parts had to dress like 85 year old Italian woman in the kitchen during our concerts. All in all, it was a fairly solid experience. When the bell rang after that first period orchestra, Dan and I would go our separate ways for the day.

Dan was always way ahead of his time. Most people early on High School try to latch on with a group, and form the next four years of their lives with their group of friends. While I was trying to fit in to all of the most popular crowds (encountering a large amount of dbags along the way), Dan found a group of solid friends who didn't care about popularity-though not losers by any means. What speaks to this group's character is that for the most part they are all very close even now, five years after graduation. What speaks even more to their character, is that despite the fact that I was a total prick, and if not totally aloof to a lot of these kids, they have always been as nice as possible to me. Looking back, I would have joined that group of high character, people with substance, over 99% of the kids that I called friends in High School. Dan was able to see that.

High School is when I remember Dan really developing a love for sports, and a great ability to write about them. I like to think that a lot of our sports conversations that took place at seven am on the bus were the inspiration to some of Dan's best work. Around our sophomore years it for some reason hit me that Dan was a Red Sox fan. I could put up with him because I could tell that he was an authentic Sox fan, and not somebody rooting for them just to be a contrarian. I've got to be honest, as much as I usually loathe Sox fans, it was hard to look Dan in the face after Boone's dinger, because I couldn't imagine how much that morning must have sucked to be a real Sox fan like Dan (until about a year later when I completely understood). Other sport memories included Dan being our backup goalie on the greatest hand ball team ever formed. Dan stepped in a la Drew Bledsoe in the 01' AFC title game in our final game, to preserve a victory in a surprisingly closely contested game. The enduring memory I have is of our "Seniors v. Weiners" backyard baseball games that featured Dan and my brother squaring off against yours truly. You only need to know a couple of things about Dan's game; He used a bat that was so small and light that he literally never swung and missed. It pissed me off so badly that I could blow the ball past every other person I'd ever faced, and yet Dan was up there swinging a 2 oz. bat that ensured contact. Dan the pitcher was hysterical. Though he supposedly had about five pitches (one of which was called "junk"), they all looked the same and were the same speed-think Phil Hughes earlier this year. Every game ended with the following things happening. Neither team could get anybody on the other team out, resulting in a score that looked like a multiples of 5 times table. Dan and my brother would seriously argue with each other over who should pitch, because one of them was getting shelled (always hysterical to me since I think each of them averaged getting about one out per game as there was a five run per inning rule). Fantastic stuff. A few other fun facts about High School Dan;

1. Had one of the all time funniest girlfriends. He went out with this girl for at least a few months, and nobody ever heard her talk. She looked and acted like Dan beat the daylights out of her (he didn't) and was keeping her mouth shut to ease her pain. That era being summed up by one of my friends asking me "did McKeever kidnap that girl?" As randomly as the relationship started, it ended, with both of us pretending like it never happened. They met over a managers special in the P&C break room, and ended it the same way. Pour one out for...um whatever her name was. (editors note: McKeever's ex Jess Getty is an avid Manual Buzzer reader and was able to point out to me that there were some parts about this point that were false. While I really only stated that she was very quiet, she took offense to the way she was portrayed. I do sincerely apologize Jess. You do have social skills I'm sure. As a matter of fact your comment on Dan's wall may have been the funniest single thing I've ever seen in print, and probably tripled our viewers. I hope that you continue to read the Manual Buzzer and comment on our articles in the future.)

2. Mckeever's greatest quote of High School. "Dude I'd do (name of hot girl from High school removed to protect the totally unaware) if she went bald." It was a million times funnier in person, especially since we were totally sober.

3. Senior year, Dan would take on one of the great straight man roles in high school history. Improbably, Dan landed in a statistics class that made Mr. Kotters class look like an episode of Leave it to Beaver. With the greatest collections of comics since the Farley years of SNL, Dan was perfect at setting up the willing heavy weights of comedy in our class. That class also included a senior picture of teacher hung up, that doubled as the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.

4. Never saw the guy in a bad mood honestly. Very underrated good trait

Post Graduate to present

When I talk about Dan to my parents, I usually make one statement. He's the only genius I've ever met who's not crazy. When you're as smart as Dan is, there's supposed to be baggage. He should be cutting out old SI's trying to find the formula to build a sports code to predict future games like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Instead, you can talk to the guy about anything under the sun, and you wont feel over matched (even though you are). The only thing that may offend you is his facial hair, that looks like Ben Nelson gave to Dan when he kicked the bucket in 2003.

As far as accomplishments, well...

-Graduated from Ohio State (I will never make Dan and Chuck high five eachother by saying "the ____ _________")

-got in a 2PAC Biggie level beef with his schools newspaper (I want to say The Lantern?)

-became a master with wood (paging Beevis)

-the only person that can go toe to toe with me on random FM trivia

-got a saweeeet job in our nations capital

-Is building my wife and I a hand made crib for our daughter

-is the only person in the world I would trust with such a task

-Most well rounded person I've ever met...and really those last two are the highest compliment that I can give

-Thanks for the years of being a true G and a great friend Dan...Pappy's profile to come

Most Offensive Fan Bases in Sports

In this era of 24/7 sports coverage, social media, and sports talk radio, people have never been more passionate about sports. More and more fringe doofuses are becoming at least casual fans. The result? A mixed bag of uninformed opinions, band wagon fan bases, and general douchery. This nicely compliments the fans that already were obnoxious and made me sick. McKeever's Mets fan from his last post only backed this furher. Why just pick on our greasy black sheep little brothers from Queens though? Here's ten of my least favorite fans in sports. (Note:this is fairly offensive...you've been warned)

10. Philadelphia Eagles Fans

Typical Eagle Fan: Loud mouth white guy with an away Mike Vick jersey. Wide range of ages. He's 20-30 pounds overweight, and always has his intense game face on.

Why they made the list: Simply put; their delusional view of Donovan McNabb. Anybody remember how the eagles landed Donovan in the first place? Probably because they had sucked donkey balls for about a decade before he arrived, and were able to pick him that high in the draft. After being booed on draft day (I'm still not sure why) McNabb overcame that adversity to turn the Eagles into the most consistent team in the NFC from 2000-2009. Did he have a few shortcomings in some NFC Championship Games?-sure. Were the Eagles participation in those games light years ahead of where they were before McNabb arrived?-yes.

Oh and did I mention that there was only one season where McNabb had a decent skill player (T.O) that wasn't an injury machine (Brian Westbrook). That also happened to be the year that the Eagles made the Super Bowl. Other than that year-where they were one possession away from beating a dynasty-McNabb carried their offense. Donovan totally changed the culture of the Eagles, helping them transition from a joke team with a joke home field, to a perennial contender with a brand new stadium.

That's where the loudmouth's in Philly irk me. For every fan that's had a crush on Kevin Kolb and now Mike Vick, I'd like them to tell me what exactly those two have accomplished. Prison sentence aside, Vick's career has basically been the poor mans Donovan McNabb. All of the Philly fans who've blasted McNabb complained most about his sometimes shaky accuracy in missing open men. Those same people are cheering for perhaps the NFL's least accurate QB, and someone who will lead similar or lesser results to McNabb, especially given the league now has had a year to scout post prison Vick. I think it's cool that once McNabb began to decline late in his stay in Philly that the fans wanted him out. It's the total lack of appreciation and perspective about McNabb that makes me add Eagles fans to this list.

9. Los Angeles Lakers Fans

Typical Laker Fan: A wide variety. It can range from an over weight guy in an 85 Prism with a purple Laker flag in the back window, to David Beckham and Jack.


Why they made the list: Here on the east coast we just can't relate to the type of fans that attend Laker games. Nothing is more irritating than watching a huge Laker home playoff game, and not being able to tell the difference from a mid January game. In L.A the games are just an event, and for those in the lower deck, a cheap way to get some publicity if you're a "B" list celeb. The 2010 Finals were the most pathetic display of crowd noise/intensity I've ever seen in the Finals, and this was against their biggest rivals. As a success starved Knicks fan it makes me so mad to see a fan base treat a Finals appearance something to do before their dinner reservations.

As for the other kind of fan (Prism guy)I've never met one who had a drop of perspective or sense. For the most part they are vile leaches of society that destroy the very fabric of this nation. If one of the Prism guys Laker fans was on fire, Mike Dobesh and I would intentionally place spikes in the middle of the road to blow the Fire Trucks tires. I hate those Prism guys.

8. Phil Mickelson Fans

Typical Mickeslon Fans: White male age 35-65. They have no facial hair, and tuck their IZOD shirts into their Khakis. They are the kinds of guys you see hanging out at the bar after a round of golf hitting on the hot young bartender who's playing along to get a big tip. This is where you will also find a good number of your closet racists.

Why they're on the list: Perhaps that seems a bit extreme. I can only go off personal experience. There have been many a family reunion where a certain anonymous group of my relatives sit there and bash Tiger (pre-scandal Tiger mind you) for bringing a showy element to the game, and they would rather root for a clean cut family man like Mickelson. In other words, there's no way I'm rooting for a black dude to win the Masters. Mickelson hasn't really ever said or done anything that warrants his title of charismatic, other than just choke in a bunch of final rounds. His wife did survive cancer, but we know nothing of him personally beyond that. (Quick tangent: 99.99999% of our favorite athletes are doing grimy things in some way behind closed doors, only some happen to get caught. A brief story just to make a Red Sock less likable...In 2008 I was flying from Cancun to Philadelphia. There happened to be a rather fetching blond sitting next to me on the flight. This was in the days before Lady DePaulis and I were an item, so I figured I might as well talk to this gail. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but it came up that she was Jon Lester's ex-girlfriend-Roxy was her name. They had been together from the time they were fourteen living in Seattle, and she showed me pictures of them together as a couple over the years. She was with him when he was in the minor league's and first got called up to the majors. She was with him when he had cancer and took care of him every day. When he made his comeback they were still together. As Lester began getting healthier and dominating hitters she was at almost every game. All of a sudden one night, he sent her a text message that after seven years it was over. He wouldn't even return her calls, and was walking around with some bimbo. Now Jon had every right to break up with a girl, but it's a pretty classless manner to do so, something most people wouldn't do to somebody. If you hadn't known someone personally involved, you would only know Lester as the dominating lefty who overcame cancer, instead of being a dominating lefty who gracelessly left a seven year relationship when he became famous...Back to real life). This is probably the one group that I have the least to back my claim up with, other then every lefty fan I've ever met falls into the same arrogant, hidden racist genre. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.

7. AND1 Basketball Wannabees and Fans

Typical fan: Below average (basketball wise) inner city white kid that frequents the local YMCA and talks in broken Ebonics. Trashy facial hair, acne, stained beater or knockoff AND1 jerseys, and fake Tims are a must.

Why they make the list: Anytime these kids are involved in a real five on five, it makes the game 75% less enjoyable. Anytime these kids talk about an AND1 episode, it makes everyone sick to their stomach. I thought that this fan base would be extinct by now. However, when I spent a month going to the Downtown Syracuse YMCA, there are PLENTY of these kind left. For the most part they are rude, obnoxious, and most of the time smell like spoiled milk. To quote Peter Griffin, "they are offensive to all five senses." Good riddance and good day!

6. Auburn Football Fans

Typical Fan: Barely understandable male anywhere from 10-85. If you know how many yards the third string full back had in the big Spring football game-and yet don't know who won the NBA, MLB, and NHL titles this year, you most definitely qualify for this fan base.

Why they made the list: Really I could have put any SEC football fan in this group, I just happened to choose Auburn. For the most part, football in this part of the country is more important than family or religion. While that's fine to be a huge sports fan, football in these parts of the country is so big that a good number of those fans are oblivious to other sports going on around them. I remember an article in the Post Standard in 2003 profiled one of Auburn's finest. In March of 03' Auburn's basketball team was in the midst of a surprise run to the sweet sixteen as a ten seed. This particular fan that we'll call Bubba was interviewed by Bud Poloquin as to what he thought of Auburn's chances against Syracuse. His answer was that he had no idea, but went on to to basically name the entire A and B rosters for the annual Auburn Spring Football game. It's a fan like him that is so uneducated it's irritating. Football is the easiest to understand of the four major sports, which explains why most of the South gets 100000 fans for a college football practice, and the Atlanta Hawks and New Orleans Hornets draw about 10000 fans for a game. As a matter of fact, I'm going to group Nascar fans in with the SEC football fans at #6. They're all the same people anyways. If it wasn't for Disney World we could give the whole Southeastern United States to China and it would be cool with me.

5. Fake Soccer Fans

Typical Fan: Male, age 15-40. Considers himself "cultured," and plays in a co-ed league once a week. Watches both World Cups...and no other kind of soccer. Will get into spirited arguments with non-soccer fans for their lack of prospective on the "World's Sport," yet can't name five soccer players in the MLS, and can't name ten players world wide. More than likely they played soccer in High School.

Why they make the list: Soccer has real fans like my friend Justin, who stays up until four in the morning watching soccer that's being played half way around the world. That takes dedication that most fans don't have (as well as the ability to sleep until 2 PM everyday...something also that most of us don't have). From what I can tell, people like Justin are the minority when it comes to soccer.

I've been in more arguments with soccer fans over the years, than all other sports arguments combined, and typically it's provoked by them. After they watch a big game (like the U.S Women's Finals match in the World Cup) they usually ask my thoughts or analysis. When my reply is something along the lines of 'I don't watch soccer,' they look at me the same way the kid my mom cleaned for looked at me when he realized I was wearing his hand me down shirt in school that his mom had given to our "less fortunate" family. I don't enjoy that condescending attitude, which usually leads to a long argument. The same checklist is used against most of these cultured soccer fans.

-Is the person arguing with me a mediocre to poor athlete, who's not good at any sport that involves the use of their hands (99% of the time-yes)?. More than likely they play in a mixed league, where the best players are actually the very muscular females. If you're a terrible athlete/soccer player nobody really knows. There's no real quantifiable way to prove that you suck, because they can hide you on defense, and because you know most games are 1-0 and there are no stats to say that YOU SUCK.

-Do they try to make the ridiculous argument that soccer players are the world's best athletes? I always enjoy when I try to get them to name categories other than endurance, foot-eye coordination(is that a term?), and being a pansy that they are better athletically than other sports. For instance, is whoever soccer's best athlete in the same stratosphere athletically as LeBron James? Derrick Rose? Eddy Curry? Seriously? GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!

-Most importantly...Is their motive in watching soccer to be a man of the world, and act like a total douche to uncultured non-soccer fans? A resounding YES!!!

The next time you see one of these fans at your local Mall Barber Shop rooting for their "favorite team" during the next World Cup, just save your breath and walk away if they try and educate you on the World's game. (Please note that this isn't towards people who really are good at soccer, or do watch soccer year round).

4. Miami Heat Fans

Typical Heat Fan: Either a powerful CEO from Miami who attends games with a woman so tan that race is impossible to determine, or urbanite (in any city) who wants the Heat to stick it to the white collar dudes who are hating.

Why they make the list: Both of the above groups are out of touch. The CEO is exactly like our Laker fans, only 1000000 times more bandwagon, since nobody was at Heat games in 2009. They don't make noise, AND they wear those ridiculous white out T-SHIRTS (the only two times that the mandatory T-Shirts ever worked for me was when OKC did it the last two years, and the best ever with Golden States Golden "We Believe" shirts in 2007).

The Urbanite makes the list for supporting what LeBron did to Cleveland, the Big 3's welcome celebration that might as well have taken place at DZ it was so childish, and their blind argument that LeBron hasn't choked in the playoffs for a good percentage of his career. Being a fan of someone is understandable, but at least admit their shortcomings.

John Starks was my favorite player as a kid. I actually rooted for him at each stop after the Knicks, so I can relate to following a player to different teams. However, would it be irritating if I refused to acknowledge that he had one of the all time worst individual games in game 7 of the 94' Finals? Obviously. LeBron is synonymous with the Heat now, so by rooting for the Heat and LeBron, you fall in the category of a clueless fan, who's lack of self awareness only rivals that of LeBron himself (do all five of you readers like the total flip flop I've done on LeBron since the Finals?).

3. Chicago Cubs Fans

Typical Cub Fan: I will let a former manager familiar with the Cubs do the talking."...For the f*ckin' nickel-dime people who turn up? The motherf*ckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the f*ckin' game. They oughta go out and get a f*ckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a f*ckin' living. Eighty-five percent of the f*ckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A f*ckin' playground for the cocks*ckers. Rip them motherf*ckers. Rip them f*ckin' cocks*ckers like the f*ckin' players..." Lee Elia did a pretty good job summing that up.

Why they make the list: When I began drafting this piece, I actually had the Cubbies at number one. Perhaps my biggest problem with Cubs fans is that they are so casual about being the biggest losers in all of sports. They believe it's some badge of honor that they've continued to show up for day games to relax and have a hot dog, while their favorite team is an embarrassment. I will tell you what a good fan base does when the owners screw the fans year after year. The fans stop showing up. Want to know how I know this? I'm a Knick fan. In the words of the Mad Dog "you could have had awchewy (archery for those of you unfamiliar with dogs speech problems) pwactice in the gaadan Mike...AWCHEWY PWACTICE!!!" Knick fans simply got fed up with Isiah, Dolan, Marbury and the rest of the gang that were running MSG into the ground. The fans made a statement, and forced management to act. If Knick fans hadn't, then our favorite team easily could have turned into the embarrassing side show the Cubs have become.

What a friggin cop out to blame curses, black cats, and Bartman for your failures. If there's a baseball team that's snake bitten, it's the Indians, not the sorry Cubs. The Indians have put together GREAT teams that were put together right in the middle of the Braves and Yankees dynasties. They blew a game seven of the World Series thanks to some tough bounces, and blew a 3-1 ALCS lead in 2007 mostly out of youth. Those fans deserve a title. The Cubs have had one year where the stars aligned for them allowing them to contend, and they still blew it.

Bill Simmons tackled the topic in his mailbag this week, but it's worth repeating. It's a total disgrace to everyone involved that Steve Bartman caught the heat that he did. Mostly I blame Cubs fans though. It was OK to me that Alou got as heated as the did. Even though he probably wouldn't have caught the ball (no seriously he has maybe a 10% chance at that ball), he was in the heat of the game and reacted. The rest of the Cubs did their typical Cub duty by totally imploding (Alex Gonzalez error, Prior gagging, Kery Wood gagging in Game 7), and that was that.

Like the typical idiot fans that they are, the Cubs fans blamed Steve Bartman, and ruined the guys life as he knew it. So basically, after 100 plus years of terrible owners, ranting lunatic managers, choking over rated players, the person you're actually going to get mad at is Bartman? Let me clue you in Cubs fans, even if Bartman hadn't touched the ball, your team still would have found a way to choke. You root for the Cubs, where the only thing more pathetic than the team you root for are you the fans. I hope the Cubs go 1000 years without a World Series just to torture these losers.

2. Bandwagon Yankee/Red Sox Fans

Typical Fan: Either a celebrity who knows nothing about sports, or a regular person who knows nothing about sports. The celebrities who know nothing typically root for the Yankees, unless they are from New England.

Why they made the list: Simply put, they make the real fans of these guys look bad. If you were a Yankee fan before 1996, and Red Sox fan before 2003, than you are probably a real fan of this team. A short three person player quiz will quickly determine if you have a real Red Sox or Yankee fan.

For the Red Sox, have you heard of these three players?

1.Mo Vaughn

2. Jim Rice

3. Carl Everett

For the Yankees, have you heard of these three players?

1. Don Mattingly

2. Dave Winfield

3. John Wetteland

Most real fans of either team would think that those questions are a joke. Don't be surprised though, when about 50% of the people who claim to be fans of these teams won't know every player on the quiz.

When the Red Sox won in 2004, the whole world was captivated. The result was Fenway and the Red Sox became a merchandise machine, and the real Red Sox fans had to learn to deal with the people who fell in love with the team through "Fever Pitch," and subsequently represented themselves as a Red Sock fan wearing a green or pink Sox hat, and knowing next to nothing about baseball. Red Sox also got their fair share of bandwagoners who are natural contrarians, and like to claim they root for the Sox.

Being a bandwagon Yankee fan became the in thing when JayZ starting rocking the interlocking NY cap. Celebrities like to think of themselves as their own empires, so the idea of being a celebrity and rooting for anything but what's considers basesball's evil but most famous/successful empire is appealing. The result? Any big Yankee game you see get your Tiger Woods' and your Tom Cruise's in the front row hogging attention while the game is going on.

The thing that makes these two types of scum bag bandwagoners so annoying is that the real fans of these teams are the best in sports. Even despite being racist, and all looking like 26 year old frat boys, you can't question a Red Sox fans passion (their intelligence is a different story). Same about the real Yankee fans out in the bleachers and in the upper deck. One day, the real fans should team up to exterminate the fake fans, and go back to loathing each other after it's done, a la Mike Williams and Adam Cauger teaming up to steal weed from Aga. Until then, we're stuck with these useless pustules. However they still aren't as bad as...

1. Duke Basketball Fans

Typical Fan: Either a nerd of any race who attends Duke, or just a total 100% DBAG

Why they made the list: What's not to hate honestly. I've heard some people compare rooting to Duke with rooting for the Yankees, but that is just silly. Yes, both teams have competitive advantages due to having more resources than their competitors. The difference is that Duke has all of those advantages, AND only recruits white momma's boy who breast feed until they're twelve, and could recite you their alma matters, and would probably do a tap dance as they sang it, or they recruit something that rhymes with Smuncle Smom's who have the same conceited attiitude as their white counter parts. I've never met someone who rooted for Duke that wasn't a gut wrenching, vomit inducing prick. Anybody who could root for the ADD assistant coaches, and coach K's smug welcome back Kotter looking face is as bad as the trolls who attend the school. One day, the Cameron crazies will be stomped about by a group of wild B.C fans, and taken out of our lives. Until then, we have to deal with thier wealthy, my daddy's a captain of industry attitude. The rest of us will just have to deal.

I welcome Dannymac and Pappy's list...