An Interruption in a Series to Make it have Betterness

For those of you anticipating Transformers: Told Using Past Sporting News, Part 2 of a Series, I have some bad news. Change the 2 to a 3 in the aforementioned title and wait two weeks for the release. But there is some delightful news; to replace it, we bring in 300: Told Using Past Sporting News, Part 2 of a Series. (I just realized I used a semicolon in that last sentence. Thanks a lot, college.) Anyways, here we go:



300: Told Using Past Sporting News, Part 2 of a Series

I think everyone saw the movie, but here is how I see 300: the beginning of the grassroots basketball movement (with King Leonidas playing the role of Sonny Vaccaro). Vaccaro wishes to gather the best high school players at his ABCD Camp (now defunct) every summer in early July in Teaneck,NJ. However, Phil Knight, the greatest proprietor of the game and all of sports (aka King Xerxes), wishes to control the ABCD Camp besides his already vast empire (running shoes, Dunks, Michael Vick playing high school football under the watchful eye of Don Shula and Urban Meyer and somehow never getting a slap on the wrist for the dog fighting (of course, he wasn't really the star of this team)). A messenger from Knight brings in an autographed poster by five Nike endorsed superstars: his Airness, the Round Mound of Rebound, Moses, Silk Wilkes, and Coop, who would not have been used in the movie had it taken place after he was hired as coach of the Los Angeles Sparks. (Somehow in the movie, they chose to represent them as skulls (sans skin or flesh) with crowns on them? What absurdity!)

Back to our story. Sonny decides he doesn't like the ring of Nike ABCD Camp and the inclusion of such terrible players, so the high school versions of LeBron, OJ Mayo, Greg Oden (hard to believe there ever was one), Melo, and Kobe (they are Spartan soldiers) take the messengers to school (LBJ ran the point and finished with a triple-double of 25 points, 12 boards and 15 assists and Oden also had a triple-double with 18 points, 15 boards and 11 blocks), killing one messenger who actually got the job from knowing Knight and didn't like basketball, Steve Prefontaine.

Sonny then goes to Adi Dassler and the adidas board of directors (the Priests) and asks the Oracle (played by Kareem Abdul Jabbar) to create an AAU team with these talented youngsters that could dominate the Persian squad and send them back to Tehran sans trophies at the upcoming tournament. The oracle says they can't create the AAU team because they are in the middle of the regular season, even with a guarantee of big prize money if they take 1st. Since no one will let them play, Sonny takes his boys out for some barnstorming at Hot Gates in Harlem with Reebok apparel, where they are joined by a WNBA team from Athens. Though Athens brought a lot of players, they didn't bring superstars like the ones that Vaccaro did. Vaccaro shored up his lineup by adding high school versions of Mike Conley, Ben Gordon, Kevin Love, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, Juan Diego Palacios, Dajuan Wagner, and Kevin Durant. Also, Vaccaro had Rick Pitino and his full-court pressure defense to coach his young talented squad. Quite a solid group with great bench depth, a team that Jay Bilas believes has tremendous upside potential.

While waiting for the run to start, Vaccaro see one of Knight's private planes attempting to land at JFK. However, there is a huge storm, and the plane crashes, causing Pitino and his players to get hyped up to play a team missing some of its best...but Vaccaro remains stoic, waiting for his payday. The Spartan AAU Club later sees that only a fraction of Knight's squads is gone (though it looked like a lot more), and a lot of great talent wasn't even close to the crash.
Also during the shootaround, Vaccaro is approached by Jay Williams, playing the role of Ephialtes with his fucked up leg caused by the motorcycle accident, shows up asking for a tryout, telling Sonny that his experience as a Duke player against this defense will help them. But Vaccaro says his leg is too fucked up, and besides, have you seen the fucking lineup, Jay? It is absolutely delightful in every way possible. Williams is pissed, so he goes to Phil Knight saying that Coach K taught him how to beat this offense (even though Coach K just bribed the refs so that Duke could win(also, Coach K plays Ephialtes' father, and they also do not accept American Express in Sparta)), so Knight, not knowing anything about basketball, gives him a contract and a clipboard, showing him all the trophies that Nike AAU teams have brought in (including lesbians who look pretty hot in one profile shot, but turn them 180 and you start vomiting incessantly). Jay is overcome with joy and takes the job.

Knight sends an emissary, Bo Jackson, who wears football shoulder pads and wields a baseball bat, to give a warning to Vaccaro's team, but he sees the sweet bulletin board they have with the newspaper clippings from all their wins at Hell's Gate so far (think: dead bodies holding bricks together in a wall). He says that Knight's squad will win anyways because they have so many good players. Kevin Durant then uses his length and athleticism to cut off Jackson's arm with a nasty crossover during a game of one on one, permanently ending Jackson's career as a two-sport athlete.
Pitino sends some of his players (along with a few WNBA players) to scout out Knight's team, which took the NBA's Injured List restriction of 3 and multiplied it by 333.329.33. The WNBA players are scared, because they only have fundamentals, not the athleticism required to deal with Knight's lineup. The first sent to scrimmage them really sucks, and Vaccaro's squad manages to shut them out (a la The Green Team in 2004 beating the Wild Cardz). Many more squads are sent to play Vaccaro's ABCD Crew for the start of the Hell's Gate Invitational, brought to you by Cisco Systems. Teams are continually brought in and the ABCD Crew marches on with victory after victory. Finally, Knight starts bringing out a team filled with giant animals: a larger version of Sloth from The Goonies (Gheorghe Muresan), an elephant (Manute Bol), and a rhinoceros (Hasheem Thabeet). All are handedly defeated by double-teaming down to the post by Conley and Gordon (starting this game to do just that.)
Knight then gives Vaccaro a chance to develop high schoolers for Nike at the Nike All-American Camp, as long as he kneels before Knight. Vaccaro tells Knight about his knee replacement and says that he can't...and he wouldn't if he could. Knight is pissed, and Jay Williams offers him a second chance to join. However, Vaccaro still refuses. Knight then decides to "bring the rain"...in two forms: clones of JJ Redick draining 3's (COLLEGE JJ REDICK, NOT NBA) and Pacman Jones clones who have been given LSD, $81000 in singles, and told to believe they are in a high-class strip joint in Vegas. However, Vaccaro throws a dagger into Knight's operation, telling the world that he actually bribed some kids to join his AAU teams as a North Korean assassin kills the ABCD squad. (the WNBA players decided to start fighting after the ABCD players are on vacation, where still no one cares about them.) A messenger (Dilios in the movie, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute in this because he is a prince) goes back to the ABCD Camp main campus, convincing even more players and convincing David Stern to send the whole NBA that hasn't been taken by Knight. The new squad easily captures the title and accepts a trophy from Myles Brand.

And that is how the NBA switched its main apparel provider from Nike to Reebok.

New Idea: Good Summer League=Endorsements?

Look, I try to not insult people too much (sorry about that Cho Chang, but snitches gotta die), but this is absolutely ridiculous. JJ Redick had so little impact during his rookie season that most Duke fans forgot who he was. He put up raucous numbers like 6.0 PPG, 1.2 APG, and .5 APG. He also shot 38.8% from 3. And he played 42 games. 42 FUCKING GAMES! How the hell do you look back fondly at a first round pick who could barely get off the bench to play in 42 games after playing 4 years ? Well, JJ did look better in the Pepsi Pro Summer League, going for 19.8 PPG and 3.8 APG (1st and 3rd in the League, respectively), but then this happens:

http://www.betterbasketball.com/basketball-shooting-video/

Yes, that's right. JJ Redick got an endorsement for having a good summer league. What the fuck is that? Yes, he was the greatest 3-point shooter in the history of college basketball, but he's done jack squat as a pro to merit this extra dough. If anyone should be in that video, it should be Reggie Miller, who is about to (maybe) come back and stand behind the 3-point line waiting for Pierce, Allen, or Garnett to dish it off from the triple team. He was the best 3-point shooter in NBA history, much more meaningful than Redick, who has given every indication that he will bust quicker than the buttons on Eric "Badlands" Bookers shirt after a matza ball eating contest.

A (or is it An) SAT Analogy

Football:Soccer::Bighead:Wallbangers

In what is quite possibly the strangest commercial ever shown on Fox Soccer Channel, "Soccer does the most obvious adapting of one commercial for another group of people: the effects are EXACTLY the same as the Big Head commercials. If you got Cristiano Ronaldo to be asking questions to a camera as if the camera were Helen Keller, it would have an identical storyboard to the American version (also, an English dude does the voiceover.).

Here is the video:

Harry Potter 5: Told Using Current Sporting News, Part 1 of a Series

In this case basketball. Harry is Tracy McGrady. Harry has been knocked out, but managed to salvage his rep against Voldermort (who is the first round of the NBA Playoffs) with some nasty performances (See: games 5 and 7 against Utah in the '06-'07 1st Round. ****SPOILER**** As all of us who are reading this sentence know (and shortly you will know too, person who has covered their ears while someone reads this out loud (well, I actually don't think anyone reads this out loud) or thos who have glanced over this sentence after seeing the spoiler warning), Harry Potter defeats Voldermort (I'm probably spelling this wrong). Well, Tracy MccGrady has been in the playoffs 6 times so far in his NBA career. Next year should make it 7, and if T-Mac's career plays out like Harry Potter's, T-Mac will make it past the 1st round next year (I think that's the spoiler I just avoided giving to you. My bad.) Here's how the rest of the characters apply to the Rockets:
Weasley twins=Juwan Howard and Dikembe Mutombo
This one is pretty simple: veteran leadership in addition to the world class talent leading the way (Harry/T-Mac). Also, they bring some lightheartedness to the locker room in the form of fireworks andf exploding candies.
Cho Chang=Yao
Being Asian is huge here, and like Yao in Houston, Cho Chang is the only Asian at Hogwarts. And she gave up the location of Dumbledore's Army a la Yao getting hurt and giving the Rockets a lower seed than they should have in the 1st round, leading to a tougher opponent.
Snape=Bobby Sura
Very sneaky and vengeful, a la Bobby getting that extra rebound to secure a triple-double.
Dolores Umbridge=Jeff Van Gundy
Brought in to teach some fundamental offense and tough defense to the Rockets, ultimately unsuccessful, fired and replaced by flashier dude with more hair, being...
Professor Dumbledore=Rick Adelman
Brought in to get the most out of Harry for the best offense possible.
Cornelius Fudge=David Stern
No fucking around here people, buttondown shirt, no wands with phoenix in them, you know the reputation we look to have for the world.
Ron Weasley=Moochie Norris
Only there because of the bobblhead night from the funny hair.
Hermione Granger=Shane Battier
Brings good wizarding fundamentals and hustle to Dumbledore's Army.
Added 7/30/2007
Rubeus Hagrid=Patrick Ewing
A big wizard who always had the necessary skills but could never go the distance as a pro, but brings invaluable experience and leadership to the bench, as well as a wonderful ability in making post play better.
Come-and-Go Room=Westside Tennis Club, Houston
Where Dumbledore's Army lifts and holds practices, a perfect spot that is very private and makes sure the public does not intrude as they prepare for battle.

That's all for today, stick around for Transformers: Told Using Past Sporting News, Part 2 of a Series

Scouting Report for UNC Basketball

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/news/story?id=2941385

How to beat them: Put Roy Williams in a large edifice, at least 6 stories high.

Oden goes #1!!!!!!!!!!111!1!!!!!oneone!!!! Durant goes to Seattlololololololol...Plus one serious thing

Mike Tirico was just hired as Stuart Scott's translator (Jive to English). I expect this with every pick this whole night.
Anyways, Durant could possibly be part of the greatest wholly perimeter-based offense since the Warriors last year (Luke Ridnour, Jesus Shuttlesworth, Durant, Rashard Lewis...Robert Swift?). I'm pretty excited. Also, Lisa Salters, did you learn anything from this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-pcgQElchI)? LET HER BE HAPPY FOR A FEW SECONDS! I'm happy that Stu moved up to the interview desk. It's much more dramatic when he asks draft picks questions that make them feel terribly uncomfortable.
Oden was the right pick at #1 for the Blazers. I don't think he'll win the 15 championships he promised (Stu also said Oden wanted to play in college, which is funny because a few years back, in an ESPN the Magazine article, Oden said he was MAD that Stern changed the rule...which will it be, Mr. Oden?)
To the serious stuff: professional wrestling. Chris Benoit killed his wife and his mentally retarded son and then killed himself this past weekend. Probably caused by roid rage (WWF claims it was a dispute over how to take care of Benoit's son...BULLSHIT!), the WWF had a 3 hour special about him. Plus, according to the storyline, Vince McMahon is dead. This is probably a good time to end this act. Somebody actually is dead, and you're still leading people to believe you died when your limo exploded? Maybe you should consider ending the trashy image portrayed by your company and act like regular people would when an employee dies. If the Cardinals don't play a game when someone dies, the least you can do is actually appear on some WWF show and acknowledge the loss. Otherwise, you just remain a trashy piece of shit. And you're doing pretty well.

Enjoy 55 more picks. And a few stupid trades.

A Tribute to the Greatest Relief Pitcher of Our Time

And by that, I mean Rod Beck, who passed away in his northeast Phoenix home on Sunday. Beck was the first player I could recognize as a child due to his absolutely ridiculous moustache and nasty stuff that he used to close games most notably for the Cubs and Giants, but he also pitched well for the Red Sox, where he had a great regular season but was not as effective in the postseason, and the Padres, where he converted 20 of 20 saves while Trevor Hoffman was injured in 2003, but was ineffective as a 7th inning man when Hoffman returned.
Before Beck got signed by the Pads, he played AAA ball for the Iowa Cubs. Even though he had a bit of his major league salary left, Beck decided to make his home in Iowa in an RV in the parking lot...just past the outfield fence. Beck would welcome in fans for a beer and a chat, something that I would have driven to Iowa for had I been of age at the time. Beck became a cult hero for this choice of living arraingments. Beck was an everyman, though a little more guarded from fans in the majors, where his beer and cigarettes and chilling was done with teammates after games.
Beck was the reason I started playing baseball. As a kid, I saw a dude just having fun and closing games. His time in Iowa made me believe him to be the coolest man to play the game, and for that reason, I will miss you, Rod Beck. Rest in peace, dude.

What if...

At this point, as a New York sports fan, things are looking a bit grim. The Yankees, after rattling off an impressive run during their homestand, just got swept by the Colorado effing Rockies, only managing to put up five runs in three games at Coors Field, where I think they actually turned on the "Moon Physics" cheat from Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. Now the Yankees head into San Francisco where Kei Igawa will be returning to the rotation... Barry Bonds may well reach 756 tonight!

And looking past the Yankees, the Knicks are abysmal, the Nets are geriatric, and the Mets are becoming the Yankees of mid-May. But I think the team worst off is the New York Football Giants. They have a terrible head coach whom the players hate trying to install an offense that that quarterback is completely unable to run. (Maybe he'd have a better time if his offensive line weren't of approximately the same effectiveness as the cardboard cut-out holding Justin Morneau's place in line in the New Era commercials--oh wait, that thing probably wouldn't tip over and be called for a five-yard offsides penalty every other play.) Giants fans are REELING right now, but Yankee fans are also looking at their ten-year AL East Pennant streak (and possibly their eleven-year playoff streak) coming to an end.

So I ask you... which athlete would you rather have come out of retirement and play for a New York team starting tomorrow? The choices:

Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea, FB, Little Giants; or Henry Rowengartner, RHP, Chicago Cubs.

This is such a difficult decision that I might just vomit in frustration. I mean--the Yankees need starting pitching, there's no question. With the aging arms of Clemens, Mussina, and Pettite in the rotation, Henry Rowengartner, of Rookie of the Year fame, would be a much-needed injection of young blood that could last for years, barring injury problems--that is, him recovering from his freak arm injury. Think about this starting five in a couple of years: Phil Hughes, Chien-Ming Wang, Rowengartner, Tyler Clippard, and some lousy free agent that'll eventually flame out but will still give you a few wins (think Jarret Wright, Esteban Loaiza). That's not a rotation I'd want to face as an opposing manager. Or opposing player. Or opposing bench coach, even. Rowengartner, in his lone season with the Cubs, had a bit of trouble against lefty sluggers, but he retired most right-handers and lesser lefties with ease. He only works with two pitches, a lethal four-seamer that probably tops off around 110 MPH, and the changeup that won the NL Pennant for the Cubs when his fastball lost its effectiveness.

My only concern about Rowengartner is his ability to transition from the National League over to the American Leauge. In this age in baseball, the NL has basically been reduced to AAAA ball. (A name simultaneously coined by Bill Simmons and me, unbeknownst to either of us; kind of like how Newton and Leibnitz both discovered Calculus, but Newton gets the credit. Not fair.) The big hitters that Rowengartner was facing in the NL were not of the same pedigree as some of the AL sluggers Rowengartner would face as a member of the Yankees: 'Big Papi' David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Vlad Guerrero, and Gary Sheffield, to name a few. So while Rowengartner may have a few tough outings while getting used to the different culture of the American League, I think he would be a very effective pitcher.

The Yanks may also want to think about making him a closer, once Mariano Rivera retires; that kind of overpowering stuff may work best if he only has to throw one inning and doesn't have to worry about getting tired out.

On the other hand, you have the most dominant football player of the 90s, with the possible exception of Bo Jackson from Tecmo Super Bowl: Becky O'Shea from Little Giants, best known as "The Icebox." O'Shea would be a much-needed reinforcement for the tired Giants backfield corps. With the retirement of the Giants' all-time leading rusher Tiki Barber setting the tone for this offseason, the Giants are left with bruising but unpredictable and turnover-prone RB Brandon Jacobs, aging FB Jim Finn, and newly-acquired RB Reuben Droughns (who has exactly 19 career touchdowns). The solution? Sign O'Shea, and make her the featured back. Droughns is her backup, Jacobs is the third-down and short-yardage situational back, and the soft-handed Finn--also a good blocker--is converted to TE to back up Jeremy Shockey and play in two-TE sets. The Icebox would open up the passing game for QB Eli Manning to a huge degree. O'Shea could eat up clock with her grinding running style, and lay blocks from the backfield in passing downs. She would be the new face of the franchise and probably shatter every Giants rushing record, making Tiki Barber a forgotten memory, relegated to the purgatory of the Today show.

There are only a few problems with bringing in O'Shea, and unfortunately, they all have to do with the fact that she is a woman. The Icebox, in her days with the Little Giants, showed a tendency to develop a crush on her quarterbacks--notably Junior Floyd--and a desire to forgo her pads and cleats in favor of a cheerleader's outfit to attract the QBs' attention. This, however, probably would not be an issue for the Giants, as their quarterback is an insecure misfit from the shallow end of the gene pool... unless she gets to meet Tim Hasselbeck. O'Shea will also have to worry about the coaching situation in New York. While she will probably do fine under current head coach Tom Coughlin, if and when Couglin is sacked, The Icebox had better get on her knees and... pray that the Giants don't bring in former Colorado head coach Gary Barnett, who would probably try to convert her to a kicker with the sole intent of lambasting her in the media/having sex with her. This, however, seems unlikely, as Barnett is a terrible coach, but given the Giants' hiring patterns, you really can't rule anything out.



I would love to see Mike and the Mad Dog tackle the Rowengartner/O'Shea debate. Both players would be such a needed boost to their respective teams, and their impact on both their teams and the city as a whole would be unimaginable. So, who would you rather have on YOUR team? Sound off!

Open Letter to Fitty

Dear Fitty,
When did symphony play-by-play come into existence? If you were going to make this commercial really work, you should have had Mike Tirico and Hubie Brown do this. Hubie could act just as oblivious as when Baron dunked on AK-47 (Video evidence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38s5qh4DMTE). Anyways, Mr. McFitty, get on that.

Sincerely,
Dubroff

Rick Reilly Should Just Shut Up

Dear Rick,
Today on NFL Live, you said that LeBron James should play quarterback if he played in the NFL. First off, I'm surprised you are considered either a basketball or football expert by anyone. Second, you sure seem to like plugging your book. And finally, LEBRON PLAYED WIDE RECEIVER IN HIGH SCHOOL. You don't deserve your column, especially after you complained about how much work it was.


Nice talking to you,
Dubroff

Addition to My Top 30 Sports Moments in My Life

Today after class ended at 1, I decided I wanted to get some pizza, so I headed over to Allegro's, the best place at Penn. They have a plasma with sports on all the time, and the place was packed (probably for the air cconditioning since it's hot outside). Turns on ESPN was showing last year's Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee, and everyone there was riveted (except for 2 delivery guys debating which escort service is the best). It was truly amazing to watch. Heads turned to that one TV just to see if Rajiv could nail the coffin on Yizkor (absolutely, 100% politically incorrect pun...but effective). And it wasn't just Penn kids sitting at tables. The guy taking slice orders and the manager were providing color commentary too. At commercials, everyone talked amongst themselves. But right when the action came back on, BOOM! every head there turned to watch. Really amazing to be there.

Also, Robin Roberts and Chris Connelly? Could they get two more people who share alliteration and the penchant for awkward banter? I think not. And that's probably why ESPN gets away with showing reruns of the Bee.

DA CHAMP-YONS!

Never seen a UEFA Champion's League running blog, and I happen to have the free time, so here it goes:
2:45PM: Liverpool and AC Milan come out onto the field to begin their (hopefully) epic rematch of the 2004 Final in Istanbul, where Milan squandered a 3-goal halftime lead in 15 minutes and ended up losing on penalty kicks. Also, today's referee, Herbert Fandel, is the 1st referee of a Champion's League Final who is also a classically trained pianist.
2:46PM: Liverpool actually had a chance in the first minute...seriously. I thought we were going to see them hold the ball like Hoosiers for 90 minutes. The cross was too far ahead, and Dida got a goal kick.
2:48PM: The ball has been in Milan's end for all but 30 seconds so far (3:15 in).
2:50PM: Pepe Reina kicks a goal kick. I wonder what type of security he got at his house back in England tonight after the last Liverpool Champion's League game, where his house got robbed and his Porsche Cayenne wasfound burnt out on the side of the road.
2:52PM: This game is moving really really really really slow (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=1f4_1179038976).
2:53PM: Milan is playing likee they got castrated last night...or Steven Gerrard pulled a Lawrence Taylor and sent some Turkish crackwhores to a bunch of Milan players.
2:56PM: Liverpool gets a good chance, and Dida makes a good save that Maldini cleared from danger. Finally, someone tries to shoot at the goal!
2:58PM: Another Liverpool chance, and Jermaine Pennant's pass is a second too late.
2:59PM: Filippo Inzaghi manages to not be called for offsides (a trademark of his is to walk the line), but the long ball is just a bit too long. Usually Inzaghi gets 5 offsides a game, so the watch is on.
3:03PM: Kaka's first attempt of the game from 10 yards outside the box, and Reina makes an easy save.
3:04PM: Gerrard is fouled near the sideline outside the box. Time for some Gerrard magic...or not. Pennant and Bolo Zenden...and it's sent way too long.
3:06PM: Tommy Smyth (with a y) gives his first shoutout of the day to who else but the Irish National team, who are in the US playing Ecuador at Giants Stadium.
3:07PM: Sounds like a lost child announcement that stops our announcers. That's how we know it should be a classic
3:08PM: Kaka pulls a Ginobili (it should be the other way around)
3:10PM: Derek Rae mentions Gattuso calling Liverpool outdated ("like an Italian team from 10 years ago.") after Gattuso fouls John Arne Riise pretty hard.
3:13PM: Xavi Alonso shoots just wide. Pretty lucky there, Dida.
3:15PM: Bolo Zenden mounts Andrea Pirlo (sounds straight, but this isn't 90210). Pirlo gets a free kick attempt (Rae calls him the best in the world, and I agree because I play a lot of FIFA). Pirlo's kick looks good, but it goes straight to Reina.
3:16PM: Liverpool wins a corner and gets nothing out of it.
3:18PM: Riise shoots it way too high, putting shots at 4-1 Liverpool...and shots on goal is tied at 1-1. This state makes me think Milan has a very good chnce to win.
3:19PM: Massimo Oddo crosses right to Reina. Milan needs to improve the crosses if they want to win this
3:22PM: Marek Jankulovski trips, and Liverpool squanders the chance.
3:24PM: A little water break and Gattuso got hit in the nose by Zenden...accidentally. I prefer brawls, but whatever, let's see some football.
3:25PM: Jankulovski has the potential to pull a Claudio Reyna vs. Ghana. Hopefully he doesn't get the injury too.
3:26PM: Pennant gets called offsides, Inzaghi still has not. Probably because Milan just isn't aggressive right now. Milan is still playing quietly
3:27PM: Gattuso gets a yellow card for, as Smyth puts it, "walking right through Xavi Alonso."
3:30PM: Has anyone seen Curtis Pennant's uncles? I was right, a lost child announcement! Derek and Tommy, you guys need to play through the announcement (by...announcing.)
3:31PM: Andrea Pirlo is nasty at free kicks. 45th minute, Inzaghi semi-"Hand of God"s it into the net (it was off the chest, so it's legit). It's his 37th career Champion's League goal. Gattuso kind of looks like a hypocrite now, with his team scoring on free kicks.
3:33PM: Halftime, be back in a few.
3:47PM: Halftime is almost done, and while looking up Massimo Oddo, I found this gem: Oddo has been tricked twice on the Italian Candid Camera type show "Scherzi a Parte." If you're a celebrity, aren't you supposed to get a security detail to make sure that doesn't happen again? I think this makes Oddo the Johnny Drama of footballers.
3:49PM: And we are under way!
3:50PM: The ball is somehow still in Milan's end...and
3:51PM: Streaker! Carrying a Greek flag and easily dealt with by security, and Liverpool can't execute the corner. And Curtis Pennant's uncles are proably still drunk and not willing to go find Curtis.
3:53PM: Gerrard is not passing well as an attacking midfielder, so Liverpool should be getting Crouch in to play up front and moving Gerrard back to midfield.
3:56PM: Reina almost gives up an empty-netter but Liverpool manages to clear the ball before Seedorf can get a foot on it.
3:57PM: Marek Jankulovski is having a bad day. Yellow card.
3:59PM: Inzaghi goes offside, and that makes the count 1.
4:01PM: Kaka gets tackled from behind by Javi Mascherano and Kaka pulls a Sheed and complains.
4:02PM: Mascherano gets a yellow. Fandel "could have mailed him the card it took him so long to pull it out." Tommy Smyth is hilarious.
4:02PM: Zenden, who has just played like a Divac-Stojackovic King dump, is replaced by Harry Kewell.
4:04PM: Jamie Carragher is given a yellow for a tackle on Kaka (makeup call?) and Pirlo misses. Olivia Matthews, contact the steward!
4:05PM: Kewell takes a dive, saving Gattuso's ass from a red.
4:06PM: Gerrard gets past Nesta on an errant pass and Dida stops it and gets control.
4:06PM: Inzaghi is offside again. Make it 2.
4:09PM: Johnny Drama gives Liverpool a free kick chance on a foul. Free kick is not played well, and Jankulovski gets rid of it.
4:10PM: Milan is playing plain good defense.
4:11PM: Steven Gerrard is having a bad day. He just got a cross with no one near him, and he gets called for a handball.
4:16PM: After 5 minutes of nothing, Gerrard finally takes a goos shot and barely misses.
4:21PM: Finally, Mascherano is taken out and replaced by Peter Crouch...which is what Rafael Benitez should have done 20 minutes ago.
4:23PM: Carlo Ancelloti obviously wants some security in the defense, so Kahka Kaladze replaces Jankulovski.
4:24PM: Inzaghi isn't offsides, but he lets the ball right between his legs. And Derek Rae talks up the Indianapolis 500 talking about how special it is. Kind of like having Joe Morgan talk about the World Cup of Cricket during Sunday Night Baseball.
4:26PM: Inzaghi plays the line just right and beats Reina with a dribbler. Liverpool needs a miracle now. An 82nd minute goal for Pippo.
4:28PM: Inzaghi takes a ball to the stomach and refuses Harry Kewell's help up. Kewell is PISSED.
4:29PM: Peter Crouch tries to make things interesting, but Dida taps the ball over the crossbar. Liverpool fucks up the corner again.
4:30PM: Inzaghi is offside by a mile. That is 3 and will probably be his last with Gilardino ready to come in.
4:31PM: Inazghi comes off for Gilardino and a standing ovation. Xavi Alonso comes off for Alvaro Arbeloa.
4:33PM: Dirk Kuyt heads in the ball in the aftermath of the corner right after the substitution to make things interesting in the 89th minute. 3 minutes are added on. And Rae calls Gattuso "a cat on a hot tin roof" as he tries to avoid another card.
4:35PM: Seedorf comes off for Giuseppe Favalli in the 2nd minute of extra time.
4:37PM: Time is called, Milan are the champions of Champions! And Benitez is running down officials like JoePa while Gattuso is pulling a Joakim Noah ("That girl just dunked.") and running to the fans. Kaka belongs to Jesus. And Oddo yells "VICTORY!" Inzaghi is my player of the game.
4:42PM: Sore losers? AC Milan's wikipedia page reads like this: GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY
Real original.
4:51PM: Maldini raises the trophy, and a terrible Sarah McLachlan cover band begins playing. I really cannot understand European taste for American music, can someone speed them up 12 years? There'd probably be world peace if a program could be implemented to do that. And this "One Shining Moment" ripoff to end the game is terrible. Better music is necessary. Okay, I'm out, can't wait for next year's Champion's League. Thanks for making this possible, Sony and Heineken. Peace.

Well, the Yankees' pitching woes continue, as Darryl Rasner got taken out of the game this afternoon after he got struck in the pitching hand with a line drive. He has a fractured index finger and will probably be on the DL as of tomorrow. I know that the shoddy pitching has been a big reason for the Yanks' awful start, but that's not it. This is the first year that I really believe the media's talk about a lack of chemistry in the Yankee clubhouse and that contributing to their decline. They just don't look loose, they look like they're playing tense and uneasy. I don't have too much evidence for this besides just watching them compared to the Mets and Johnny Damon's awful pregame introduction, but the losing, injuries, and now the Giambi steroids thing don't help.

This just hasn't been a fun team to watch the last couple of weeks and I say this as the most diehard of diehard Yanks fans.




A quick headline: Lazy Tom Glavine adds to all-tme record for sacrifice bunts rather than be beleaguered to hit, run bases.

Andy Katz Has "Inside" Info

Dear Andy Katz,
I read this story of yours (http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/news/story?id=2871275), and I just wanted to say that EVERYONE IN SYRACUSE KNEW THIS IN DECEMBER.

Thanks for your concern,
Dubroff

Suns-Spurs is Making the NBA Into a Joke

I don't like the Spurs. They play the type of basketball that makes people throw up from seasickness, rocking you to sleep until there's five seconds left on the shot clock and someone is magically open. Their titles are the reason that the NBA was stuck in a funk and their style of play continues to hold the League back. But Game 5 was a joke. Let's go back to 1997 for a second: The Knicks had it bad with John Wallace (a great Syracuse player, but a terrible NBA player) starting in place of the suspended Patrick Ewing in the deciding Game 7 in 1997 against the Heat. The worse team kneeled before the Bulls with nearly no resistance while the Knicks went home for the summer. This might be considered a milestone in the history of the Heat, but the win was completely illegitimate. When Alonzo Mourning is being guarded by Herb Williams and John Wallace the whole game, there is quite an advantage for the team with 'Zo. And who started the fight? PJ Brown body-slammed Charlie Ward after a free throw. The same applies here: Duncan had 4, 4, and 5 personal fouls in the 3 games against the Suns before Game 5, because he had to guard Amare. It makes the game an illegitimate win for the Spurs. If both teams were on even strength, Suns in 6 would have been the result. But Horry's forearm shiver on Nash gave his team a distinct advantage, and this series should be seen as tainted for his actions.

Welcome

Hey guys, welcome to the new ManualBuzzer. Props to Dubroff for the idea of the blog. I'm sure it will be updated much more often than the old website; anytime I have something quick, or substantial, to say about sports, I'll say it here.

I'm out for now though.

--bj

Taking This Here Blog's V-Card

Welcome to the Manual Buzzer blog, which should be updated a tad more than the website. In the tradition of Jim Rome, I'm burning on something, and that would be Dirk Nowitzki reportedly taking home the NBA MVP this year. There are three reasons for this:
1.) Nash was just better
Simply, Steve should be tied with Moses, Magic, and Larry for 4th all-time with 3 Maurice Podoloffs. Steve was great the past two years ('04-'05: 15.5 PPG, 11.5 APG, 50.2% FG, 43.1% 3FG; '05-'06: 18.8 PPG, 10.5 APG, 51.2% FG, 43.9% 3FG), but he improved everything but scoring this year, coming up with 18.6 PPG and 11.6 APG (career high) on 53.2% FG (career high) and 45.5% 3FG (ties career high). He's a point guard who set career highs in accuracy and assists. Dirk did nothing notable this year besides shoot over 50% for the first time in his career. Are people taking Nash's yearly improvement for granted? Can this guy step up his game more? What are voters expecting from him? Nash really should have that award, and his numbers are amazing enough to merit the award.
2.) Was Dirk Really That Valuable?
Without Dirk, the Mavs were 3-1. Without Nash, the Mavs were 2-4. In '04-'05, the Suns were 2-5 without Nash and 0-3 in '05-'06 when he didn't play. While Nash is integral to the Suns' success, Dirk is just something extra that makes the Mavs a bit better. The Mavs are the Pistons of the West, minus the killer instinct, which brings us to...3.) Dirk's Award CeremonyNever in my lifetime has there been an MVP like Dirk. The reason: Dirk is the 1st MVP in a very long time (we're talking '70's being the last time...maybe) to not receive his award before a home playoff game...BECAUSE HE LOST IN THE 1ST ROUND...AND HE CHOKED. A 5 POINT DIP in scoring average from the postseason to the playoffs? 12% drop in FG%? Give me a break. MVPs should be stepping up in the playoffs, and as almost every analyst is saying after the fact, he shouldn't be the MVP.
And one more thing: the whole European invasion thing in the League...and the 1st MVP they give us chokes like this in the playoffs? We could be looking at the beginning of the fall of the European white guy in the NBA.
I leave you with the dunk of the year, to which Hubie Brown physically cannot show an excited reaction using his vocal chords: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGH3OuP9Sek
(Bonus appearance from Colgate alum and Warriors benchwarmer Adonal Foyle (known in the Jewish community as Adonalam) making a DIIIIISGUSTING face)