What if...

At this point, as a New York sports fan, things are looking a bit grim. The Yankees, after rattling off an impressive run during their homestand, just got swept by the Colorado effing Rockies, only managing to put up five runs in three games at Coors Field, where I think they actually turned on the "Moon Physics" cheat from Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. Now the Yankees head into San Francisco where Kei Igawa will be returning to the rotation... Barry Bonds may well reach 756 tonight!

And looking past the Yankees, the Knicks are abysmal, the Nets are geriatric, and the Mets are becoming the Yankees of mid-May. But I think the team worst off is the New York Football Giants. They have a terrible head coach whom the players hate trying to install an offense that that quarterback is completely unable to run. (Maybe he'd have a better time if his offensive line weren't of approximately the same effectiveness as the cardboard cut-out holding Justin Morneau's place in line in the New Era commercials--oh wait, that thing probably wouldn't tip over and be called for a five-yard offsides penalty every other play.) Giants fans are REELING right now, but Yankee fans are also looking at their ten-year AL East Pennant streak (and possibly their eleven-year playoff streak) coming to an end.

So I ask you... which athlete would you rather have come out of retirement and play for a New York team starting tomorrow? The choices:

Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea, FB, Little Giants; or Henry Rowengartner, RHP, Chicago Cubs.

This is such a difficult decision that I might just vomit in frustration. I mean--the Yankees need starting pitching, there's no question. With the aging arms of Clemens, Mussina, and Pettite in the rotation, Henry Rowengartner, of Rookie of the Year fame, would be a much-needed injection of young blood that could last for years, barring injury problems--that is, him recovering from his freak arm injury. Think about this starting five in a couple of years: Phil Hughes, Chien-Ming Wang, Rowengartner, Tyler Clippard, and some lousy free agent that'll eventually flame out but will still give you a few wins (think Jarret Wright, Esteban Loaiza). That's not a rotation I'd want to face as an opposing manager. Or opposing player. Or opposing bench coach, even. Rowengartner, in his lone season with the Cubs, had a bit of trouble against lefty sluggers, but he retired most right-handers and lesser lefties with ease. He only works with two pitches, a lethal four-seamer that probably tops off around 110 MPH, and the changeup that won the NL Pennant for the Cubs when his fastball lost its effectiveness.

My only concern about Rowengartner is his ability to transition from the National League over to the American Leauge. In this age in baseball, the NL has basically been reduced to AAAA ball. (A name simultaneously coined by Bill Simmons and me, unbeknownst to either of us; kind of like how Newton and Leibnitz both discovered Calculus, but Newton gets the credit. Not fair.) The big hitters that Rowengartner was facing in the NL were not of the same pedigree as some of the AL sluggers Rowengartner would face as a member of the Yankees: 'Big Papi' David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Vlad Guerrero, and Gary Sheffield, to name a few. So while Rowengartner may have a few tough outings while getting used to the different culture of the American League, I think he would be a very effective pitcher.

The Yanks may also want to think about making him a closer, once Mariano Rivera retires; that kind of overpowering stuff may work best if he only has to throw one inning and doesn't have to worry about getting tired out.

On the other hand, you have the most dominant football player of the 90s, with the possible exception of Bo Jackson from Tecmo Super Bowl: Becky O'Shea from Little Giants, best known as "The Icebox." O'Shea would be a much-needed reinforcement for the tired Giants backfield corps. With the retirement of the Giants' all-time leading rusher Tiki Barber setting the tone for this offseason, the Giants are left with bruising but unpredictable and turnover-prone RB Brandon Jacobs, aging FB Jim Finn, and newly-acquired RB Reuben Droughns (who has exactly 19 career touchdowns). The solution? Sign O'Shea, and make her the featured back. Droughns is her backup, Jacobs is the third-down and short-yardage situational back, and the soft-handed Finn--also a good blocker--is converted to TE to back up Jeremy Shockey and play in two-TE sets. The Icebox would open up the passing game for QB Eli Manning to a huge degree. O'Shea could eat up clock with her grinding running style, and lay blocks from the backfield in passing downs. She would be the new face of the franchise and probably shatter every Giants rushing record, making Tiki Barber a forgotten memory, relegated to the purgatory of the Today show.

There are only a few problems with bringing in O'Shea, and unfortunately, they all have to do with the fact that she is a woman. The Icebox, in her days with the Little Giants, showed a tendency to develop a crush on her quarterbacks--notably Junior Floyd--and a desire to forgo her pads and cleats in favor of a cheerleader's outfit to attract the QBs' attention. This, however, probably would not be an issue for the Giants, as their quarterback is an insecure misfit from the shallow end of the gene pool... unless she gets to meet Tim Hasselbeck. O'Shea will also have to worry about the coaching situation in New York. While she will probably do fine under current head coach Tom Coughlin, if and when Couglin is sacked, The Icebox had better get on her knees and... pray that the Giants don't bring in former Colorado head coach Gary Barnett, who would probably try to convert her to a kicker with the sole intent of lambasting her in the media/having sex with her. This, however, seems unlikely, as Barnett is a terrible coach, but given the Giants' hiring patterns, you really can't rule anything out.



I would love to see Mike and the Mad Dog tackle the Rowengartner/O'Shea debate. Both players would be such a needed boost to their respective teams, and their impact on both their teams and the city as a whole would be unimaginable. So, who would you rather have on YOUR team? Sound off!