Tuesday Morning Bullshit: Gregg Easterbrook Thinks he has the Plutonium to Make this Bomb

I hate Gregg Easterbrook. He blames violent movies on anyone who is Jewish who works in Hollywood. He believes that undrafted players are the only players that NFL teams should employ, because chips on shoulder ALWAYS means good football. He also owns a gun, and not a shotgun, but a widdle pistol. Fuck, THE DUDE HAS TWO G's AT THE END OF HIS NAME. What a fuckface. Anyways, from now on, every week, we will read his column and break down the obvious dementia he is exhibiting and wondering when ESPN will send a nurse to change his Depends that he's been wearing for the past 10 years. This week's episode: Aaron Rodgers, discoverer of the Fountain of Foolproof Concussion Prevention. Modern Ponce de Leon Question mark? And later, bringing racial purity to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

All across the United States, football players and their parents -- there are 500 high school football players for each NFL player -- are worried about concussions, which a report released last week shows are rising in incidence.

This is a big deal. Players are missing a lot of time this year due to head injuries. Hell, even Toyota tried to get in on the blame game in order to deflect their stupid decision not to use Callahan brake pads.

Aaron Rodgers of the Packers, who will start at quarterback in the upcoming Super Bowl, just switched to a helmet he thinks offers superior protection. Rodgers says the helmet prevented a concussion when he took a brutal blow to the head from Julius Peppers of the Chicago Bears in the NFC Championship Game.

So, it sounds like this helmet has one recorded incident of it working, right? Rodgers must have tested this helmet in his lab repeatedly, right?

Cartman's Incredible Gift
Tags: SOUTH
PARKmore...

Yeah, something about hands.

So a Super Bowl quarterback has found a helmet that might reduce the concussion plague, protecting huge numbers of football players at the college, high school and youth levels. Good news?

I mean, once they run a study to make sure the helmet actually works, sure. But you're a bit wrong in the head, why don't you completely confuse your readers with a deranged line of reasoning?

Here's the catch -- Rodgers won't tell you what kind of helmet he switched to. Neither will the Green Bay Packers. A Super Bowl quarterback and his team have information that might increase neurological safety -- and won't share it.

Yeah, probably a good idea for Rodgers for a few reasons. First, where is the endorsement deal? Second, probably hurts your reputation to say this is the #1 concussion preventing helmet, then have a bunch of kids go buy it and smash their heads into each other and get concussions. Oh, great contrarian white dude who spells his first name like a black dude, PLEASE, TELL ME HE IS WRONG!

Each year 1.1 million boys, and a few girls, play middle school and high school football .

All risk permanent neurological harm, while few will receive a college sports scholarship and hardly any will earn a dime in the NFL. Many high school football players -- probably the majority, there are no definitive statistics -- take the field in outdated-design "shell" helmets without any concussion-resistant engineering. They do so partly because new-generation helmets cost about $200 each, and many high schools have budget problems.

Okay, so how about we wait until it's confirmed by more than one case before they go waist more than $200 on this shit, huh?

But the main reason large numbers of high school players wear obsolescent helmets is that below the level of the pros and big colleges, coaches, parents and athletic directors have no idea which helmets are best. They look to the top of the sport, the NFL, for guidance -- and receive none.

That and they're spending money on music programs and whatnot. And I'm sure the NFL makes suggestions, it's just that these people aren't about to spend $1000 on a football helmet.

Now a Super Bowl team, the Green Bay Packers, believes its quarterback is safer in a particular helmet type, and won't reveal the information that might reduce brain injury risk throughout the sport.

Again, not sure this helmet actually prevents concussions any better outside of this one incident, BUT THE PEOPLE MUST KNOW SO THEY CAN TEST IT ON THEIR FEEBLE BRAINS.

Like any athletic enterprise, the Packers have reason to keep game plans, training techniques and other such specifics private. But safety information should never be proprietary. Any information that improves sports safety should be declared openly, to all.

Like pickle juice to prevent dehydration like the Eagles used in the '90's to beat the Cowboys in Dallas that one time. I tried it, and I just got dehydrated and threw up. WHAT GIVES?!

Riddell is the NFL's helmet provider; players are free to wear other helmets, so long as they obscure the brand. This is why the white stripe on the back of an NFL helmet may say a team's name; that means the player is not wearing a Riddell, and has covered the Riddell logo.

Whoa, I'm going to do a bit of detective work on my own here right now. Bear with me, Greg(g), I think I might have something. Maybe the helmet isn't a Riddell helmet, so they can't endorse it!

Riddell's advanced Revo Speed model (which my older son wore when playing college football) and the Schutt DNA (which I bought my young son when he played JV) are designed to reduce concussion risk, and data show this works.

Hey, great research! Why don't you go buy one of each of these suckers for all the youth football players you named earlier in this article? It'll only be, what, a little over $200 million out of your pocket?

Is Rodgers wearing a Riddell Revo Speed or a Schutt DNA? The Schutt Ion helmet also has advanced engineering -- is Rodgers wearing an Ion? Is he wearing a Xenith X1, a new helmet brand designed around concussion prevention? Is he wearing the new Rawlings Quantum, which goes on the market soon, and was designed to reduce concussion risks? The public needs to know.

The public needs to know once we've done enough research to prove that these helmets are effective, and then somehow the public needs these helmets to be available for purchase at a lower cost. But that would mean underprivileged showboaters would get these helmets, and we know how Greg(g) hates black people who are drafted in the NFL Draft.

Getting improved helmets onto every football player's head will be no panacea -- other reforms are needed to make the game less dangerous. But getting a concussion-resistant helmet onto every player's head is an important first step.

Too bad a concussion-resistant helmet will probably never exist, unless we're all in our surries playing football. Maybe the best reform would be no helmets at all? There are fewer concussions in rugby than football, because rugby players don't have anything protecting their heads.

Though the NFL has been encouraging players to switch to any of the advanced helmets mentioned above, the NFL does not mandate their use. This is a short-sighted policy TMQ has been objecting to since the Riddell Revolution, the first-generation helmet engineered to reduce concussion risk, went on sale eight years ago.

Surprisingly, I agree here. Especially since the NFL is ponying up for these guys to get insurance.

Regardless, a starting quarterback in Sunday's Super Bowl has found a helmet brand and model that he believes offers superior protection against concussions. Yet he won't say what the helmet is, and the Green Bay Packers won't say either. Rodgers and the Packers should be widely criticized for this. Why won't they tell the country's million high school football players, and the players' parents, what the NFL knows about safety?

So, Easterbrook essentially learns nothing through this. The NFL is conscious of its official suppliers.

Question:Do you think they'll let it slide if Ocho Cinco comes out to Bonnie Bernstein after a game and immediately say, "Yeah, FUCK REEBOK! Assholes make the gayest jerseys ever. Gayer than Lance FUCKIN' Bass!"?

Answer: No. His twitter would disappear. They'd make him change his name back to Johnson and send him to a Protestant Church for every service for six months before even giving him a reinstatement hearing.

TMQ also offers this little gem. I am currently unemployed, but I was curious to see what this:

would do. Well, let's just say Greg(g) really is into that whole Protestant work ethic:

Well, of course it's just the PRINTED VERSION OF TMQ! How else would he do it?

"You think I'm gonna help you pretend you're working? No one helped Wes Welker pretend to be the first to come and last to leave when he got to the Dolphins. You have to earn your keep! And reading my batshit rant about why blacks and Jews are the scum of the Earth is how you will learn your god damn lesson. It's more than appearances. Except for the Jews who don't have hook noses. Fucking masks!"

--Proposed TMQ Ringtone, yelled by Greg(g) and only playable at the highest ringtone volume on your phone.

In other football news, it's hard to think of a more appealing Super Bowl pairing than the Packers, winners of the first two Super Bowls, versus the Steelers, with a league-best six Super Bowl trophies.

Also, Rush and I are both so proud that neither starts a black quarterback. Power to the whites!

The pairing is especially appealing since the Packers were established in 1919 and the Steelers in 1933, yet they have never met in the playoffs.

And they were in completely separate leagues until 1970. So, not that reasonable when for the first 37 years of coexistence they would only be able to play each other in the playoffs or an exhibition, which would usually be against geographically proximal teams.

Greg(g) offers up this stat:

Stat of the Week No. 10 The Packers and Steelers enter the final game on a combined 8-0 postseason streak.

Who would have thought? Somehow, these teams had to win multiple games to get here? That's mindblowing!

Of course, Greg(g) also has a taste for the ironic that would make Dave Barry have an orgy with the family in Family Circus, so here we go:

Disclaimers of the Week: Reader Andrew Smith of Stanley, N.C., purchased a gizmo that emits high-pitched sounds to condition a dog not to bark. The packaging included this disclaimer: "Warning: deaf dogs cannot hear."

I'm not sure who is dumber: the person who thinks this is funny, or the person who needs to read this in order to know not to buy the product. And what's with ragging on them? The law making sure this is printed on something is up there with the law that allows you to carry your little girlie gun that adds that half inch that makes your penis look twice the size, right?

The Packers and Steelers, squaring off in the Super Bowl, are almost entirely home-brewed. Of expected starters Sunday, all of the Packers' starting offensive players were drafted by Green Bay, while seven of the Packers' starting defensive players either were drafted by Green Bay or signed by the team out of college as undrafted free agents. That's 18 of 22 Green Bay starters who have spent their entire pro careers in the Packers' organization. Of the Packers' four starters obtained in free agency, only one, Charles Woodson, received a megabucks contract. No Green Bay starter was obtained in a trade.

Of expected starters for the Steelers, eight of the offensive starters were drafted by the Steelers, with a ninth signed out of college as an undrafted free agent, while on the Pittsburgh defense, eight of the starters were drafted by the Steelers, with a ninth signed out of college as an undrafted free agent. That's 18 of 22 Pittsburgh starters who have spent their entire careers with the Steelers' organization. Of the Steelers' four starters obtained in free agency, none was a big-money acquisition. No Pittsburgh starter was obtained in a trade.

That sound you hear. It sounds like sandpaper rubbing down wood, right? It's actually Greg(g) Easterbrook masturbating to what will happen in this Super Bowl. And he softend whenever Charles Woodson is shown. "Not...gritty...enough...chip...on...shoulder...too...small...I NEED MORE LOTION!"

Is he going to talk about the Hall of Fame? Of course he is.

This weekend, the Hall of Fame selectors will choose the next class to wear the garish yellow jacket at Canton. As with past years, only the on-field performance of players, not their off-field failings (or accomplishments), will be weighed, while no one who's already been admitted will be expelled.

Sounds like a regular Hall of Fame to me.

This must change.

And let me tell you, I have a few black folks who should definitely be kicked out.

Consider: O.J. Simpson, a criminal, is in the Hall of Fame.

Oh, here we go.

Simpson currently is serving a 33-year sentence for armed robbery. In 1997, a California civil jury found him liable for wrongful death in the murders of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. Yet Simpson's bust, jersey and memorabilia are displayed at Canton. "Look, kids, here's the criminal the Pro Football Hall of Fame wants you to admire!"

Again, just a football player. Though I hear they're going to get the knife from the LAPD by induction weekend this year.

Lawrence Taylor is in the Hall of Fame, though in his own 2003 book, "LT: Over the Edge," Taylor said he spent up to "thousands of dollars a day" on cocaine when playing in the NFL, and often broke narcotics laws. Recently, Taylor pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of paying an underage girl for sex. To avoid a felony charge, he agreed to become a registered sex offender. "Look kids, here's the child abuser the Pro Football Hall of Fame wants you to admire!"

And to celebrate him, they're going to bring in his favorite $100 bill to do lines with and the bloody sheet from the night in question.

Though Simpson and Taylor are in the Hall of Fame, Jack Kemp -- who was the AFL's all-time leading passer, then went on to a life of highly distinguished public service, including being the Republican Party candidate for vice president in 1996 -- is not. What's the distinction?

Oh, I know! Simpson and Taylor voted for Obama, and Kemp voted for McCain?

Simpson and Taylor did terrible things off the field, Kemp did good things off the field. And the Hall of Fame averts its eyes from off-the-field behavior.

You know, like draft dodging via a bum knee. Not a torn ACL, mind you. Way to go, Republicans!

In bygone days, the sports writer was like an independent publicist for athletes, producing gushing praise while saying nothing about the personal faults of sports stars. That certainly has changed -- today, for example, nearly every sportscaster's reference to Brian Cushing of the Texans includes mention of his drug suspension.

Sports writers have become a lot like you and Jay Mariotti, people who criticize athletes without ever speaking to them and hide behind the cloak of journalism. Get a fucking life.

But the old way of thinking still dominates the Hall of Fame, where the selectors, the former players and owners who trek to the annual induction ceremony, and ESPN and NFL Network, which broadcast the ceremony, prefer to steer clear of the character question.

Why don't you talk to Gooddell about setting up Character Hall of Fame? I know Akili Smith would really like to be in it. Ty Detmer is still a good Mormon, vote him in!

"Many current Hall of Famers had off-field issues that were well-known at the time they were being considered, so to change the selection rules now would skew historic perspective on Hall of Fame selections and create a line of demarcation -- pre off-field considerations and post off-field considerations," Frank Cooney, one of the selectors, told the St. Louis Globe-Democrat last year.

That's a reasonable way to put it. Same parameters for each player to get in. Thought, Greg(g)?

So because the Hall of Fame didn't care about character in the past, it shouldn't care about character now? "That's the way it's always been" is the cheapest excuse in the book.

The cheapest move though? Jumping on someone's reasonable statement to make it your soap box.

When Hall of Fame selectors and Hall of Fame management maintain they should consider only performance on the field, this conveniently excuses them from dealing with personal integrity. Disregarding integrity sets a terrible example. Hall of Fame officials and selectors who have children: Do you tell your children that character does not matter? Of course not. So why do you tell this to other people's children?

Hall of Fame selectors respond: "Actually, we don't say anything to anyone else's children. We just show who were statistically the best players of their time."

This is especially disturbing because the Hall of Fame is a tax-exempt 501c3 nonprofit organization -- officially, an "educational museum." Tax exemptions subsidize the Hall of Fame, which most emphatically does not behave in an "educational" manner.

Telling the history of football through its best players through the years? Sounds pretty educational. This section has to be a ploy to get someone to send him free tickets to the induction ceremony. What a joke.

A Hall of Fame official might say, "OK, suppose we toss out Simpson and Taylor. Do you want us to go through the entire list and expel any player or coach who later committed a serious crime or harmed others?" Yes. That's exactly what you should do. Cooperstown and Springfield should, too. Membership in a sports hall is a privilege, not a right -- a privilege that those who behave dishonorably should lose.

Yeah, like Ty Cobb, who had a penchant for calling Babe Ruth the n word. Oh, we're keeping the whites in?

Roger Goodell said last year, "I believe that it's more than just how you conduct yourself on the field. I believe very firmly that it's how you conduct yourself on and off the field. That's part of your contribution to the game." Not according to the people who run Canton.

Which is definitely not Roger Goodell.

Seriously, this is the stupidest moral grandstanding ever written in human history. But wait, you have to see what he calls one of his next chapters:

More Proof of the Decline of Western Civilization:

You have got to be SHITTING ME.

Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio filed a lawsuit last week against the operator of a House of Representatives cafeteria, claiming he is owed $150,000 because a sandwich he bought contained "dangerous substances" -- namely, an olive pit. The lawsuit claims Kucinich suffered dental harm plus "pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment."

This is actually funny, seeing as the plaintiff is a 5'5" man married to a statuesque 6'0" woman. But seriously, who puts a pit or a seed in a sandwich a man is going to bite into? Evil people.

According to the White House transcript, President Barack Obama was interrupted by applause 79 times during last week's State of the Union address, including for such generic pronouncements as, "We need the fastest, most reliable ways to move people, goods, and information, from high-speed rail to high-speed Internet." The president received 45 standing ovations, including for such generic pronouncements as, "Let's fix what needs fixing and let's move forward."

I don't want people to be excited about the future of our country, and catchphrases are Satan. He laid out a plan, too, but just like me reading your shitty, long, diatribe-filled, bowel movement of a column (someone needs to stop drinking all this metamucil), you decided to forgo the parts with a plan. Good for you. Get your little pistol ready, THE CHINESE WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES! GET TO THE BUNKER, TMQ FAMILY! GOOOO!

Standing ovations for generic comments -- in 2010, Obama brought the crowd to its feet merely with the words "small business" -- have become part of political theater. Obama received 37 standing ovations during his February 2009 speech to Congress, and 46 standing ovations in his 2010 State of the Union talk. Members of Congress know that when the president speaks, standing to clap is a way to get television cameras to pan off the president toward them.

And to show they want to actually get something done. And why not show these legislators sitting mixed together as opposed to the usual separation along party lines. It's refreshing after the shooting in Arizona, despite all this ridiculous rape talk.

But there's a larger problem at work -- too many standing ovations at theatrical shows, awards ceremonies, all kinds of public events.

Yeah, you don't spend 2 days following the NFL games passing stool onto a typewriter and making some intern put it all down and update it for the 21st century. Those are MY precious god damn MINUTES!

The Oscars and Golden Globes stop so often for the audience to rise that the evenings are like aerobics classes for the Hollywood elite.

Lord knows Kathy Bates needs it.

Today's Broadway shows, no matter how bad, often end with standing ovations, while rare is the high school musical that does not conclude with the audience on its feet.

Again, people not working hard enough for Greg(g). But come on, did you see Ricky Gervais? And did you see someone get concussed at Spiderman in musical version? I bet Greg(g)'s kids look out into the audience after their school plays and start bawling when they see the one seat where DEAR OL' DAD is still sitting, unappreciative of your terrible performance as Nathan Detroit.

Standing ovations are supposed to acknowledge a remarkable insight or moving performance -- not merely that a politician spoke, or a curtain closed.

Look, I don't give a standing ovation for every play I see, but usually I see good plays, not the ones you've been seeing:

Literally, shit ones.

This column makes me want to kill myself

Next Week: That Super Bowl thing you might have heard about.

When is ESPN going to realize the mistake of paying the way for a bigot who hates blacks and Jews to go to the Super Bowl? I'm not linking to his column, and you shouldn't actually read it. It is worthless. I promise to open it up once a week in order to write this critique, and that is it. Boycott Easterbrook, because I want to see his sons wear football helmets that put them at greater risk of getting a concussion.

Marc Jackson is Nuts (/Stifles Laughter)

Okay, I just watched this again over at Deadspin, and I embed it so you all (someone reads this, right?) can judge the mental capabilities of one Marc Jackson, who once said he admired the moral character of Rick "Doin' it on the Restaurant Floor without Protection and then forcing her to get an Abortion" Pitino in anticipation of his son having Rick en locum parentis at Louisville. Watch:

Somehow, this is a good closeout. Good closeouts DO NOT involve touching the shooter's groin. Do you think that was a flop by Frye? I'd just like to see Frye and Jackson have a face to face at a later time, where Frye will punch Jackson in the nuts. This analysis is definitely "on point" Mr. Jackson, and by "on point" I mean you could be admitted to a psych ward for it.

Also, not sure how Jeff Van Gundy deems that touch to be at the stomach area. How high is Van Gundy pulling up his pants nowadays?

Proof that I am very capable of working at ESPN

Good evening. It has come to my attention that Antonio Cromartie is making a lot of headlines recently for his opinion on the coming NFL lockout, and who wouldn't want to be on it more than ESPN New York, the WWL's army sent to take over the largest city in the United States. With each article comes a new ridiculous quote line, and today's exchange with Matt Hasselbeck did not disappoint. Black players own twitter, and Hasselbeck's cowardly move means he should be praying for a lockout or that Cromartie doesn't make it to one of his opponents via free agency.

But the best part of the article, for me, the unemployed stooge writing a blog in his sister's apartment, has to be the glaring errors that these reportedly qualified employees of the WWL put out, as of 8:40PM on January 27, 2011.

[DeMaurice] Smith countered that if they can get a deal done by the Super Bowl, he'll take a pay cut to 68 cents.

This seems a bit wrong. Wouldn't he be happy getting his constituents back to work, and wouldn't they be paying him for having done his job? And you have to love his spirit for competition with Goodell, who will be taking his down to $1. Moving on to the next one sentence paragraph (reminds me of the writing style on ESPNSoccernet, where a story can sometimes just be 12 paragraphs, each of one sentence):

Smith wasn't worried that he was called out by Cromartie, who also called Patriots quarterback Tom Brady an "ass----" before the AFC title game.

That seems like a pointless action, mainly because they played them in the divisional round, and you guys wrote only, hmmm, at least a half dozen articles about that one quote? Impresive amnesia, ESPN, VERY impressive.

Fun with Quotes

When you were in school one of the signs that the year was coming to a merciful close was yearbook day. In elementary and middle school this was a rather large day for a couple of reasons. You got to sign your guy friends year book with one of three statements: 1) (whoever's book you were signing) is gay/loves cock. 2) A foul joke about someones sister or mom, and 3) some kind of inside joke. If it was a girl you liked than you probably would stiff arm other girls trying to get you to sign your yearbook (like I did in sixth grade with Anne Branson) to get to your prize (Briana Mott in sixth grade). In the end it was usually disappointing to get the perfunctory "Have a nice summer" in neat writing. Around eighth grade yearbooks became incredibly uncool for some reason, and you don't think about them again until your senior yearbook. Yes for roughly $2000 you get to have a picture of yourself that looks way better than real life, and add your own "unique" quote to really leave your mark on the school that you called home. Recently I looked back at my senior yearbook and found some absolute gems for quotes.
My twisted self can relate most things to the NBA, and some of the quotes by our scholar peers I thought fit NBA teams perfectly. Each of the seven teams that have a shot at the title this year has their very own quote from the F-M 2006 yearbook to sum up their teams state and chances at a title.

Miami Heat
"I graduated didn't I"-Colin Simmons

Simple, intimidating, doesn't totally make sense. Colin made this quote more than likely in an effort to flex his muscle over Ian "M-trax" Motonse and Chris Dohr as the dominant minority in the F-M halls. He succeeded in being intimidating, and being simple, but as with a lot that my good friend said, there wasn't enough thought and it left you scratching your head.
The same is true for this version of the Miami Heat. This recent four game skid has shown what will happen to the Heat when one of the big three is either hurt or not playing at their best. In an 82 game season where your body gets pummeled, and there's en extra two months of playoffs if you advance, having a three man roster of James, Wade, and Bosh is simple, and intimidating-but it doesn't totally make sense. I expect next year to parallel the real Colin Simmons and round into shape with more structure once they bring in better support/role players to surround them.

Orlando Magic
"If you believe in the "S" you'll be relieving your stress"-Steve DePaulis

A quote from Snoop Dog that was stolen by yours truly. I love that the Magic shook their roster up mid season like that and brought in guys who were way more talented than what they had before. That having been said, having Gilbert, Hedo, and to an extent Dwight kind of scares me. I don't feel like their bball I.Q is very high, and each can become very undisciplined. Thats why they need to believe in my main man Stan if they have any hope at a title.
Stan to me doesn't get nearly enough credit for being a great coach. He's not only a good motivator, but I think a great X's and O's coach (look no further than one of the great play calls ever at the end of regulation in game 2 of the 09 finals, when Courtney Lee blew the game winning layup on an unreal inbounds play that was drawn up). For this group to go anywhere they are going to have to put their faith in the master of panic.

OKC Thunder
"Run all Day and Run all night"-Maggie Terpstra

Until Serge Ibaka is the starting center and playing 35-40 minutes a night, the only way the Thunder can beat elite teams is by turning the game into a track meet. If in the Western Conference semifinals they square off against the Lakers, they have proven that if the game is in the 90's than they have no chance. They need to use Westbrook to play almost a 05 Suns style of ball, especially when he gets a defensive rebound. OKC wearing out the Lakers and using their distinct athletic advantage is the only hope that they have to come out of the West.

Boston Celtics
"I wake up with nothing to do and go to bed with it still not done"-Joe Willet

I felt this quote applied to them mainly because I feel like it's something Shaq would say. For the most part this Celtics team has nothing left to prove to anybody. Unlike our lovable poet Joe Willet, this team will not go to bed with it not done. The Celtics have a quiet confidence about them that I love. I think that Rondo needs to step up as weird as that sounds. They need his scoring to be closer to 13-15 a game instead of around 10. The Celtics are an older team and will need his help picking up the scoring load in the second half as they shoot for the number 1 overall seed, which can be quite convenient in a Game 7.

Chicago Bulls

"I dreamed I ate a ten pound marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone."-Nick Kelly

The night that Nick had that dream he must have thought it was a pip dream that he could eat either a ten pound marshmallow or a pillow. When training camp broke for the Bulls most within the organization thought that they were probably another year away from a title run. Hover, much like Nick with his pillow, the impossible can come true. They are such an athletic team(with good motors) that it turns Jay Bilas on. That elusive shooter to stretch the defense especially in crunch time can make that impossible dream become a reality.

San Antonio Spurs
"My name is Jonathan Rothwell. I like computers and animals. Hello to all my friends."

Slightly breaking the mold here, as this is from the 2000 Wellwood yearbook, but it applied so I had to use it. A simple unassuming formula towards a quote, became perhaps the greatest quote anyone has churned out in a long time. The Spurs have used the same formula. Slap three great players and teammates together, and pray for good health. I believe that like Mr.Rothwells quote, these Spurs can stand the test of time, and will not fade away. I predict an epic 7 game series in the Western Conference finals (like the 02 Kings Lakers) where their simple formula may validate itself.

Los Angeles Lakers
"I didn't fall to peer pressure, my peers fell to me."-Justin Miller

The Lakers have sat back and watched everyone else clown around these last six months just to try to fit in, just to try and get on their level. Problem is, the LAkers are already cool, and already better than the other teams. I expect nothing different this year. They can be singing their peers fell to them again, when they take home another title in June.

A Reaction, Albeit Belated, to the First Syracuse Loss of the Year

First off, any team with Rapelisberger in attendance and Dick Vitale gently massaging its balls on the mic is the equivalent of the O'Doyles in Billy Madison. And we all know what their hubris did to them:

That's right, they end up driving over the remains of Chris Farley's lunch and taking a ridiculous u-turn that sends them over a cliff. Pitt is good, and Pitt is in the driver's seat, but they beat a team without its best player who has said he was concussed while Syracuse says nothing officially.

Rick got roughed up a bit with more focus on him, and the other bigs need to get their heads in the game. James Southerland cannot take significant minutes and only grab one rebound. And Scoop needs to start taking care of the ball just a little bit more. A 4-13 shooting night plus 0-2 from the charity stripe is not good. He did improve his assist-turnover ratio to 4-2 after going 13-12 in the previous 2 games, but all of those dumb shots are the equivalent of a turnover.

CJ Fair and Dion Waiters were great for the audience they played in front of. CJ had his best game, albeit not the best shooting performance from the line. But he consistently went for the tin despite Pitt's intimidation down low. Waiters handled with confidence against tough Pitt guards. But for all his playing time, it made Triche disappear for a long stretch. If Triche isn't getting in the rotation, he loses some of the swag he needs to have games like he did against Cincinnati, St. John's, and Seton Hall.

And you know what? Better to lose in the middle of January than in March. This team can learn a lot, and Kris will definitely help solidify this group when he comes back.

Random NBA thoughts from MLK Day Action

Martin Luther King Day is my favorite holiday. Never mind that I'm a 22 year old white Jehovah's Witness from the suburbs, and I don't celebrate holidays...I just love the NBA. MLK Day has always been one of the best days of the regular seasons schedule. I had a chance to watch four of the games and follow the others on my laptop. I think that's how Martin would have wanted it. A few thoughts from yesterdays action:

Orlando will be a Legit Contender by the Spring

Last nights Celtics Magic matchup may have been the most entertaining game of the season. You forget how exciting it can be when two talented teams trade baskets down the stretch of a close game. Boston did what it had to do to pull out the win late.
I thought it was a good sign for Boston that KG came out and looked more than active. Last season and through the finals I thought that Garnett was playing at maybe 60% to at least 2008 Garnett. I thought that this season he's more like 85% of the player we saw the year Boston won it all. That is HUGE. That's why coming off his latest injury I was particularly interested to see him against Dwight Howard last night, and he showed that there's nothing to worry about.
As for Orlando, despite the loss I think there is quite a bit to take away from that game. Dwight Howard showed that he truly has made an offensive leap this season. Seeing him score 30 or more points in all of these primetime games has been more than impressive. What it means long term is that Boston may not be able to play him one on one like they did last year in the playoffs. This opens things up for the plethora of chuckers the Magic have that hang outside the three point line. As goofy as Hedo, Gilbert, and J-Rich are, wouldn't you rather do just about anything with them over V.C and Rashard. All of them have yet to truly settle in with their roles yet, but I actually like this team a lot going forward. To be there to the last second on a night the Celtics had it rolling, AND a raucous home crowd...I think that is a good sign for the Magic.

OKC Really Blew it in the Draft two years ago

That was the only thought going through my head as I watched the Thunder go 2-22 on threes last night against the Lakers. The Thunder are an incredibly entertaining team to watch and have raw talent that cant be matched in the league. Every time that I watch James Harden come into the game and be useless (9 points, 1-6 on threes in 29 minutes) like last night, it almost makes me angry.
OKC had the third pick in what turned out to be a pretty loaded draft in 2009. Everybody knew that Blake Griffin would go number 1 to the Clippers, but after that there was a large number of players available who could help teams 2-15 in the draft.
OKC went with James Harden. A guy who in in last game against Syracuse in the NCAA tournament was as quiet as a Laura Bogart. Harden from an outsiders perspective possessed no great go to skill, didn't seem to have any fire in going down to Cuse, and really wasn't like he had great size. Now I know it's easy to look back and say I told you so, but here are eight GUARDS who were taken after Harden that seems light years ahead of him: Evans, Curry, Collison, Jennings, Holiday, DeRozan, Lawson, and I will even count Rubio.
The player on that list that truly angers me that I missed out on seeing with Westbrook and Durant is my man Steph Curry. Forget this draft, I'm not sure another player in the entire NBA is a better fit with those two than Curry. He would make it impossible to matchup and guard the Thunder, as you will pay the price for leaving to double Durant or help on Westbrooks drives, because Curry is already a top 5 shooter in the NBA (maybe higher, he shoots most of his threes of the dribble because of the Golden State offense he plays in). The only knock on him is his size, but on the Thunder Westbrook is big enough to guard the opposing teams physical/large guard. Curry is also unselfish, and by all accounts an incredible teammate. It's such a shame to see the Thunder wasting years when they could contend for a title tow an anchor like Harden who looks like he smells and that's about it.

The Bulls are Really, Really Good

I'm not sure any player this year has been as impressive as Derrick Rose. Now that he's added a 3 point shot top his game, there is literally nothing you can say to knock his game. The Bulls have been killed by injuries all season long, and no matter who is in the lineup Rose wills them to victories. Boozer and Noah will make up a front line that pulls off the rare feet of complimenting each other offensively and on defense. Boozer is a high scoring methodical forward who doesn't block shots, and Noah is a garbage man on speed who gets steals and blocks shots.
The playoffs these last few years have shown that the winning formula is having a crunch time scorer and front line depth...Chicago is defined by these two traits. After watching Rose again yesterday, and knowing when healthy what their front line has, I think that Chicago is another outside shooter (an Anthony Morrow type player) from being the favorite to win it all. Yes I said it, the fate of the NBA title rests on the shoulders of Anthony Morrow.

10 Semi Intersting Stories for 2011

Remember back when anytime that there was no school (summer vacation, Christmas break ect.) the first half of your day consisted entirely of watching sportscenter re-runs. It would get to the point where by the 11 am re-run you could pinpoint to the very second when Stuart Scott was going to kiss (super star X of the time period) butt. One particular segment that I watched every year always stood out to me for how stupid it was. ESPN would run a top ten stories of the year show in December, where it did just that-count from ten to one the top stories of that year. My issue is that we were there and we knew all of these stories. A much better angle to take to me is what the top ten stories will be, since we are the experts. Here are the ten most important sport subplots of 2011, with as little of my absurd New York bias as I can contain.

10. Will the Seahawks pull a 2006 St.Louis Cardinals

2006 was a year in which the National League was simply put dreadful. There were scouts who legitimately thought that fourth place teams in the AL were better than division winners in the NL. So naturally the Cardinals defeated the Tigers in the World Series. It gave those dweeb National League "purists" a chance to gloat like their league was even decent, failing to realize the Tigers literally threw away that series. The point of this nonsense?
Everybody blasted the NFC West all year, and with good cause, a 7-9 team made the playoffs. There was enough momentum with the case for not letting teams with below .500 records into the playoffs that it seemed that there could be a rightful change on the horizon. Fast forward to the present and many are saying that the Seahawks validated themselves and the NFC West with that win.
What I would say is Seattle did the sport of football a great injustice by having a good game over the weekend. It is totally unfair that a Saints team who would win four out of five times on a neutral field and twenty (yes twenty) times out of ten at home, had to travel to the West Coast to play a road game in a hostile environment. Yes the Seahawks did a good job, but (especially) if they keep winning then they will have almost killed all momentum to ban sub .500 teams from the playoffs, and somewhere down the road an 8-10 team will sneak into the playoffs over a 11-7 team that finished third in its division.

9. Will the Phillies Super Rotation equal that Ring


Every Phillies fan will now get a glimpse of what it's like to root for the pinstripes. Will they have a staff that is arguably the best ever-yes. They had pretty close to that by the end of last year actually. As amazing as this is to say, the offense is the only real question mark. Losing Werth was huge because of his dominance against left-handed pitching. The Phillies are so left handed that they needed a presence like Werth to keep teams from throwing lefties against them in a short series and shutting them down. Ultimately guys like Utley, Howard and to a degree Rollins are too talented not to take this team to a minimum of a berth in the Fall Classic.

8. Hopefully this is the year MMA Dies

The only kids I know who watch MMA are guys who are in their late 20's that still work part time at Wegmans and have no female contact, and in one case the kids mother walked in on him jerking off while an episode of the Honeymooners was on (true story). Point is, when that's your demographic, I want you to vanish.

7. Do the Young Stars of the NHL=More support

The few hockey purists that I know tell me that right now the NHL has seen an influx of young talent led by Crosby and Ovechkin, that is similar to what LeBron, Melo and Wade infused to the NBA in 2003. Everybody knows that hockey has it's core of fans that are as loyal as any. The big question is if the NHL can grab the casual fan who bounced when 99 hung up his skates. My Dad was a huge Gretzky fan and watched his games for every team that he played for. The current state of my Dad's hockey knowledge? He asked me the other day if Paul Coffey was still the best defensemen in the league (completely true). It's fans like my dad that the NHL needs to get back so they don't have to televise their playoffs on The National Geographic channel this spring. Hopefully these young athletes will get the NHL back to major sport status.

6. Were will Melo Land?

Bill Simmons did a fantastic job stealing my thunder with his column from Wednesday. The interesting part about this whole fiasco is that Melo wont swing anyone's 2011 title hopes unless he got traded to the Mavs. The smart move for Denver would be to get a trade finished now so that they don't end up with nothing. You need to look no further than Tuesdays Cavs-Lakers game for that to be clear. The other big question I have for the reported three team deal involving the Nuggets, Nets, and Pistons-what is Detroit doing? Coming off of the 08-09 season this team had some decent pieces in place and loads of cap room. Fast forward to the present and no team is more pointless than the once proud Pistons. In the proposed deal they allegedly would land Johan Petro,Troy Murphy, a first round pick, and a $50 Best Buy gift card. I don't understand what their plan is. I miss wearing my Defenders shirt. Any scenario that happens will more than likely have a major impact on three franchises, so the fate of this deal will help shape the NBA for the next five years.

5. Will a Contender Emerge?

We are roughly three months into the college basketball season and no team has distinguished itself. As a matter of fact no conference has truly distinguished itself, though the Big East probably is the best/deepest conference. Does anyone else get the feeling that any team in the top twenty right now could win it all. Syracuse is an outside shooter and a Fab Melo basketball I.Q/talent/pair of hands/pair of feet that work from contending. I just can't see Syracuse winning six games in a row in March with Scoop Jardine, Triche, and an occasionally on James Southerland your only shooters. Teams are too smart now to not force Cuse to shoot jumpers. We shall see (I couldn't totally leave out my New York bias)

4. Where will Tom Brady Stand Historically in Four Weeks

Tom Brady could show up to the game and take every snap the wrong way as a score for the Jets and still be a Hall of Famer at the end of the day. With another deep run and title these next couple weeks, Brady would be getting to the point where he could stack his resume up against.any QB all time. People seem to be handing them the title right now, but it wont be nearly as easy as people think. Whatever they do will hinge on Brady playing near flawless football. If he does and they win another title, I think he would have the stats and the rings to be no lower than the fifth best QB EVER. It will be interesting to see if Brady and Mr. Charisma can willl their way to another ring.

3. Will Tiger Woods Bounce Back

It stills kills me every time I think about Tiger hitting on a girl with that geek voice of his. I can just picture him hitting on a waitress at Perkins saying something dumb like "Poppa needs his irons cleaned." Our boy got himself in trouble and subsequently lost his stronghold on the world of golf.
Tiger is the most influential, important athlete in the world. He keeps golf as a sport that isn't banished to T.V hell like hockey. He gave my generation motivation to pick up the game. The African American community also would benefit from having Woods re-establish his game and reputation. I think that Tiger will come roaring back. Last year, aside from the distractions he was changing his swing (which the timing to do something like that is more confusing than the kid I went to college with that thought Jamelski was innocent) and getting back into shape after surgery. I look for this year to be the year he can look up at us like a geek again and proclaim "hello world."

2. The Miami Heat Saga

Everything about this season for Miami has been completely predictable. Inevitably they would lose some games early as the media idealists blasted them. We all knew that they would put a streak together as they all got more comfortable playing together. We just need to see how that translates deep in the playoffs. I for one don't think chemistry will be their downfall. I believe that tired legs and poor defense will.
Inevitably athletes like Wade and James need some kind of rest. If they continue at the pace that their at than I can't imagine three men being nearly fresh enough to maintain a high level of play with so much ware and tare. I believe the only chance they have this year is if after the All Star break Mike Miller plays like its 2006 and gives Spoelstra the opportunity to play the "Big 3" around 30-32 minutes a night. This may leave enough in their tank to be able to carry a team for (by June) eight months straight.
A larger concern for me is that this Miami team is prone to major defensive lapses. There have been way too many quarters like the 44 point quarter the Clippers put up the other night, or the 72 point half Golden State had against them. In May and June they wont be able to come storming back against a team like the Celtics or Lakers who wont give the game back to them. In light of this whole "Decision" nonsense I think that how Miami reacts with the pressure on will be a humongous story.

1. Impending NBA and NFL Work Stoppages

Just remember the Montreal Expos and the NHL. Not the route you want to take

Wake Up with a 'Cuse Win

The Garden was popping last night, and it wasn't for St. John's despite the fact that their campus is about 12 miles away compared to Syracuse being 193 (source: Google Maps, and I'm not checking MapQuest.). Syracuse got off to a slow start on offense, putting in only 2 points in the first 6 1/2 minutes. This is not behavior coming of a national title contender, but boy did they reverse course, going 0n a 10-0 run to end the first half to take 35-24 lead into the locker room. The zone employed by the Red Storm was effective in keeping the ball away from Rick in the first half, but it also freed up the guards and wings, who combined to shoot 9-20 from 3. Everytime St. John's thought that they had that opposite side cutter, the zone collapsed perfectly and the Orange were fastbreaking the other way on the regular.

Now, last night I pondered whether we were seeing a return to prominence from St. John's basketball. While some may give the definitive answer "no," I still think we have to wait a little bit to make this judgement. Judge Lavin by what he does with his recruiting class next year, and appreciate what he has been able to get out of these players that he didn't choose for this year. But Lavin made a huge strategic blunder last night going into the 2nd half. Lavin kept the press going that had slowed down SU getting its offense set, but instead of keeping his matchup zone going, he switched to a pressing man. This allowed for three things that let the Orange offense get into its groove. First: Scoop could operate as his normal self, bullying weaker guards and using exquisite crosses to easily get into the lane to make opportunities for others or get in lay-ups. Second, it freed up Rick to operate down low against the weaker St. John's bigs, and when there was a collapse, he got the ball to the open man (he finished with 3 assists). Third, his team wasn't ready to play man defense. While the man on the ball was generally focused on his job (albeit with quite a bit of handchecking), off-ball defenders were looking right at the ball the whole time. This freed up Scoop for a wide open lay-up underneath on an assist from Jackson inside the free-throw semicircle. It also helped Kris get 2 wide open backdoor dunks, an unacceptable outcome for any defense. While this was a good win, it was partially the product of some crappy strategy on St. John's part.

Highlights from the Garden
-One St. John's fan impressed us with his combination of a lack of height, a surplus of scarf length, and maybe a few too many beers. He tried to insult Boeheim, to which many kindly asked him to "kiss the ring." For some reason, he also decided to see this one out, and with 3 minutes left started calling for Boeheim to bring in subs. In the words of Omar Little, "Come at the king, you best not miss." Overall, the St. John's cheering section was a joke. I'm fairly certain Syracuse fans made up about 75% of the crowd. It's understandable to have a Wednesday night game in the Garen to get the revenue of the Syracuse alums, but it also alienates a huge chunk of your student fans who won't always be able to make the trip.
-The St. John's dance team may be overfunded. They had 2 wardrobe changes for the night so that they could give the crowd two terrible dance routines, one of which included a sequin leather jacket with a huge St. John's patch. When they were in regular uniform, they essentially just stood in place.
-Danny Schayes was in attendace, and by God, he was wearing an ugly shirt. He also made himself the most visible seven footer in the world with this jacket, which he walked through New York wearing:

Yeah, that's NBA ball jacket.
-Jim Burr was kind of tolerable tonight. He made a couple bad calls, but not on the level I remember seeing from him in the Dome growing up. The true officiating enemy is Gene Steratore, who seemed to love hearing the love from the home crowd that was outnumbered at the Garden.

In other news, Brittfarv's sister is a gourmet...of meth. (h/t Deadspin)

And Duke lost to unranked Florida State, so I'm extremely happy. Even if Dick Vitale tries to justify it to the world.

Good Mownin'...Just breathe:

Syracuse-St. John's Pre-Game

I'm not going to get hammered before I go to this game. I may have a beer, but that's about it. Being a blogger makes you look for the opportunities to get drunk on someone else's dime. I'm excited to head back to the Garden, and this will be my first time seeing the 'Cuse play in New York City. I will not be doing the doubleheader with the Johnnies women's game afterwards, since UConn's meaningless winning streak is now over.
But am I hyped to see Syracuse fans dominate the Garden.
Of course, George Vescey is drinking Lavin's Kool-Aid, and it seems like the cyanide hasn't started to take effect, as the Johnnies started their Big East season with 3 wins against West Virginia, Providence, and Georgetown, before falling to Notre Dame on Saturday. The Red Storm has 10 seniors, and Lavin is already starting the reloading with commitments from 4 top 25 swingmen according to Rivals. So is St. John's really back? This year might be a good sign, but next year will be the one that counts. Lavin will need that team to perform before big-time recruits start putting St. John's on their whittled-down lists of schools.
Syracuse may be undefeated, but the Orange may want to get their heads back in the game at the Garden. Seton Hall, even without Jeremy Hazell, was close enough on Saturday that I was scared. Even if they are slowing it down, without a real outside threat (the Pirates shot 3-26 on 3-pointers). The zone is again not going to need much extension, as St. John's shoots on 30.8% from outside. But 'Cuse needs to show some signs of life. The offense looked lost against Seton Hall, and with a tough stretch ahead against Cincinnati, Pitt, and Villanova, it's high time for Syracuse to get its shit together. And what better place than where they essentially hold a home-court advantage in the Garden. There will be tweets tonight (@themanualbuzzer), so follow along with the game on ESPNU. Good night, and go Orange!

Oddsmaker: Time Machine: Colons: NFL Combine, 2010: Who Struck Down Tebow?

With college football over, the next few times we will see any of these guys will be for the homoerotic ogling that is the North-South Bowl, the Shrine Bowl, and, of course, the NFL Combine. The Combine, of course, brought us one of the best blind items ever that did not appear in a tabloid (well, it did depending on your opinion on deadspin and Mike Florio's stylings on PFT) with the following occurrence:

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.
Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow’s group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.
Said one of the other players in response: “Shut the f–k up.” Others players in the room then laughed.

Now, my goal with this post is to give you the Vegas odds on who from that 2010 draft class was the one to shut down the talented foreskin cutter, with the hardhitting analysis to make sure you, our beloved readers, understand our reasoning.

Terrence Cody/Rolando McClain Odds: -150
The famous tittied one and the one who now dons silver and black are not two for Tebow to reckon with, especially after they ended his holy reign during the SEC Title Game on the way to Alabama's national championship. McClain and Cody were in the backfield giving Tebow hell, so bragging rights are right there, sucka. If anyone has the right to talk smack to this religious nut who wouldn't be around if his mom had aborted him, it's these guys, who made Tebow cry very recently.

Mike Williams: +150
The receiver put up a great year and looked like he may be giving the League's DB's trouble for years to come in combination with Josh Freeman, but before that,he was giving the Syracuse coaching staff fits with erratic and insubordinate behavior that led him to leave the team with 4 games left in the 2009 season. With his fresh mouth, it is highly likely he didn't want to hear Tebow push anything on him.

Bruce Campbell +200

Now, this is a name with a reputation. Bruce Campbell is famous for some of the best one-liners in film history, and even if this dude is 5 inches and probably 140 pounds bigger than the one I'm referring to, listen to this sass:
They didn't even have shoelaces in the Dark Ages! But yeah, with that reputation, we definitely have to put Bruce Campbell, NO MATTER WHAT COLOR HIS SKIN IS, in contention.

Ndamukong Suh +180
Suh hates quarterbacks, as evidenced by these videos:


So could you imagine a quarterback trying to impose his beliefs? Exactly.

Dez Bryant +200
Would the son of a prostitute and pimp say something like that? A big fat maybe, since I'm fairly certain he was working on salvaging his reputation at the time.

Sergio Kindle +190
He probably came up with this one while reading books on a portable device while walking down the stairs.

Colt McCoy +250
Despite having a similar belief set to Tebow, McCoy was the one who didn't make it a part of every public appearance, but still didn't garner the same attention despite the fact that it was he who had led his team to the national title game. Jealousy as the motive? GD right.

Jamar Chaney +0
Chaney, Stew Bradley's less-than-stellar replacement at middle linebacker to end the past season, Chaney has no bone to pick with Tebow. Look at some tweets, such as this one, and this one, and this one, and how about this one? And look at this one, and this one, and...what can you say, dude loves Jesus this much:










Seriously, no chance it was him.

Personally, my money is on McClain, since Cody was a bit less sure of himself as he heard chatter from teams about his weight issues. Wherever you put your money, remember, it's best to know all the odds.

BEEEEEEEEF MOE

THE LEVIES BROKE, IT'S BEEF MOE TIME AT APPELBEEZ.

Knick Maintenence

I cant wait to tell my kids one day about the 06-07 Clippers. Wait , I mean the 08-09 Hornets, no no I'm sorry I meant the 10-11 Bucks. Now there are perhaps five or six people on this planet that can tell you anything about any one of those squads of The Association (Dubroff being one of them), however each of them offers a lesson for this edition of the New York Knicks.

The Garden right now is pandemonium. Amare has been beyond great playing with enthusiasm and fire we haven't seen of him in at least four years. Wilson (potato salad) Chandler has put together a classic contract year (guaranteeing he gets overpaid by roughly 3 billion dollars in the off season). More importantly New York is buzzing to the point that you can barely go ten feet in the city without seeing the blue and orange jersey, including when I saw a 65 year old woman wearing an Amare jersey dress. Yes life is good in Knickland. Careful now, careful.

All of the teams mentioned above have one thing in common, they had seasons ranging from mediocre to dreadful the season after they had breakout campaigns. All three of those teams the year before took advantage of soft early schedules to build confidence , all three had an emerging alpha dog playing at historic levels, and all three left their rosters virtually the same going into the next season. The Clippers and Hornets each had very impressive round 1 playoff victories in those previous seasons, and took better teams to the brink in round 2 before falling (the Bucks did this except they lost in round 1 after their best player Bogut went down with an injury). The Bucks Clippers and Hornets all had tremendous promise going into the next season only to disappoint.

As excited as I am as a Knick fan about this season, I fear that next years Knicks could await a similar fate as the aforementioned teams. This years Knicks will more than likely win a round 1 series, and will probably lose a hard fought series to a high seed. Thats where I want to hit the pause button and give the Knicks a game plan on how to avoid the classic let down season in 11-12, and build a title contender. My non-expert, biased opinion should be flawless.

Step 1: SELL HIGH ON FELTON...GO FOR CP3 AFTER NEXT SEASON

Raymond Felton has been superb for the Knicks this year BUT-Does anybody honestly think you can win a title with Raymond Felton as your point guard and number two scoring option unless your team is playing a regional final at the Carrier Dome and it's award for the top player in the finals is called the M.O.P. Maybe it's because I can't imagine looking at his lack of a neck for the next five years, or maybe it's because well, at the end of the day he's Raymond Felton, but he will never be more valuable than he is right now. I say that you include Felton in a package for a player that will be involved in the long term plans of the Knicks. As a matter of fact, are you telling me that the Hornets wouldn't jump on a deal of something along the lines of Felton, Wilson Chandler and Anthony Randolph for Chris Paul. The Hornets know that he is bolting in another season, and this deal makes a ton of sense for both teams.

The very thought of CP3 and Amare teaming up in New York gave me a nocturnal emission last night. If Chris Paul can make David (Johnny) Qwest and Tyson Chandler dominant pick and pop/alley-oop partners, than can you even begin to imagine what Paul could do with Stat. Another season of recovery from knee surgery should put Paul back where he was two years ago and then some. People seem to forget how much the rest of the Hornets have actually sucked these past few years while Paul has dragged their sorry corpses to respectability. Getting Paul either in that scenario or via Free Agency is a no brainer, over keeping the red hot Felton, and no this has nothing to do with me owning Paul in a keeper league and dreaming of teaming him with D`Antoni and Amare.

STEP 2: KEEP CARMELO FOCUSED ON THE GARDEN

If I were Donny Walsh, everyday I would have my editors at the garden edit a tape where they show a great moment at the Garden (LJ's four point play), and splice the tape so at the end of the clip it flashes to a Nets game at the IZOD center with Kris Humphries missing a 12 footer in front of 3000 people. Promise Melo the world, and get his juices flowing by making it impossible for him to want to sign off on a trade with the Nets. Despite all of the rumors the Knicks seem to still be the front runners for the Knicks, and he will play for them by no later than next season.

STEP 3: TRADE ALL THE OTHER GUNNERS

A team that features CP3, Melo and Amare is such an unreal combination of offense that compliments each other that I just slapped my cat in her teeth in excitement. This means two things however. One is that there wont be many more shots to go around, and two...wow that is a terrible defensive team (particularly in the front court). Since there aren't many shots to go around, why not trade shoot first assets like Gallinari and Chandler for defensive minded swing men who can hit open threes. Players like Corey Brewer, Martell Webster, or Shannon Brown would all be perfect, and it would give them another stopper with size to pit with Paul. So the next logical step would be...

STEP 4: SIGN A DEFENSIVE CENTER

My final dream scenario includes signing Old Greg Oden to a one year deal, and asking him to rebound, block shots, and keep his crusty draws on. I think it's become pretty clear that Portland's medical staff is made up of a bag lady, Ruben Patterson, a kitten wearing a doctors coat, and a bag of chips. Obviously Oden will never live up to being the number one pick in a draft where Durant went number two, but he's still in his early 20's. Perhaps anothe set of team doctors can get him back to health. If Oden is even 70% of the player that we thought he would be after the injuries, than he would fit perfectly wiht the Knicks. A starting five that includes Chris Paul, Shannon Brown, Melo, Amare, and Oden is a team that compliments each other perfectly. For now, all we can do is sit back and hope the 11-12 Knicks give us more to cheer for than the 06-07 Clippers.

How is Sepp Blatter still the President of FIFA?

Sepp Blatter's delusions about the World Cup are very strange. Delusions of success in sports seem to be common this week, as seen with Georgetown's efforts to keep Syracuse fans from the game in DC on February 9th. But Blatter is operating with billions of dollars in play in what is financially the most dominant sport in the world. And with Qatar being the first country in the Middle East to host the World Cup in 2022, Blatter is beginning to look foolish with his declarations of future success. They come out looking defensive about what could be a foolish decision by FIFA to give Qatar the tournament. And the specter of this decision looms large with the coming presidential election.
The first place Blatter ran into issues was with the LGBT community. Blatter advised anyone who preferred their own sex to not consumate that relationship during the 2022 World Cup. While FIFA may not have the power to influence domestic politics of their hosts, to explicitly say this at a press conference is disgusting. Of course there were condemnations from the LGBT community, Blatter apologized. But the status quo will not change, that is a guarantee.
Where FIFA could take a major financial hit when the tournament does roll around will be from the club teams. While planning this World Cup, Blatter and FIFA forgot about the desert conditions of Qatar: average temperatures are 120°F during the summer, and players usually are not game for those conditions. Interestingly enough, in the UAE, league matches during Ramadan, which began in August this year, were played after sunset, when temperatures are significantly lower. Could this be the solution that Blatter chooses? Hells no! Instead, he is proposing a winter World Cup. This will go directly against the club season, which runs from late August to May (June if you get deep in Champions League.). Never has a tournament cut into a regular season and been healthy, with the exception of last year's Olympic hockey final, which sealed Sidney Crosby as a superstar and but still didn't help NHL ratings.
How does Blatter expect to get teams on board for this? As Arsene Wenger put it in the New York Times article, you would need "a complete reorganization of the world's fixtures," which he deems a nearly impossible task. While a January tournament may make things easier for players who won't be exhausted by a full season in up to three competitions, one group is not being taken into account: the clubs. The clubs are the major stakeholders on the players. Clubs get paid by the countries for the rights to their players time during the summer for tournaments and during the winter for qualifying matches. What makes Blatter think that teams will take that small percentage and be forced to lose revenue from that time? Bayern already got pissed off about Arjen Robben's injury that he suffered before the World Cup where he took a star turn for the Dutch, keeping him out for two months to start the season. And these clubs are major stakeholders in FIFA's success. Look at this list in Forbes. Four teams are currently valued over $1 billion. Do you think they're going to give up that easily on taking a break in the middle of the season. One of them, Arsenal, has been cruelly mocked by the injury bug of late, and it has kept them from competition for any trophies with so many stars out in the past few seasons.
Football fans are lucky there is more than a decade before this tournament commences. Otherwise, we may have the disaster that many foresaw in South Africa that never happened. I think this one will pan out, but it will probably be without Blatter at the helm of FIFA. Unless the corruption is real, there is no way he is reelected.

To John Calipari, That Toilet Overflowing with Shit is also an Amateur

Kentucky's road to a national title will already be sticky enough with having to deal with Tennessee in the SEC East as well as being extremely dependent on the freshmen Terrence Jones, Brandin Knight (cannot be happier that he spurned Syracuse), and Doron Lamb (surprisingly not Israeli). How could things get worse? Well, Enes Kanter can never be an amateur again. Ever. In the eyes of the NCAA, whose standards may not be the highest for amateurism since they pocket billions off of these so-called amateurs. (Ed O'Bannon and every guy whose pro career didn't pan out the same as their college career agrees)
But Calipari's standards could be considered lower. For one thing Calipari may have gone to the Final Four with UMass and Memphis in 1996 and 2008, respectively, but NCAA history books don't remember it that way. The two players who carried each of his teams through those tournaments, Marcus Camby and Derrick Rose, each were found to have been ineligible ex tempore, as Camby had been in contact with an agent and Rose's SAT scores were invalidated by the ETS. Of course, Calipari being the stand-up man he is, was well on his way to Kentucky by the time anyone drew a whiff of his shit-smelling test of character, so what would he care. It remains to be seen how Calipari reacts when the tarp on one of his shit sculptures at Kentucky blows over before its completion. May I suggest a stint coaching in the Philippines? I'm getting sick of the oily hair that personifies you way better than any of your bullshit PR efforts.

A New Day

These last few years while all of you kiddies have been playing with yourselves in the sandbox, something big was happening. I'm talking real big...Lopedito mug shot big, O.J Mayo Tony Allen big, Beeb growing pubic hair big.

Everyone's favorite under-achiever that hails from Fayetteville-Steve DePaulis-has suddenly become a semi regular contributor to society. Yes, in the last four years my brain has slowly developed to the point that my best attribute is no longer how hard I can make kids laugh on the late bus. I like do stuff now. I even have a job, a wife, and a cat (which I occasionally throw into a freezing cold shower if he pisses me off). Keeping that in mind I have made a rather large life decision.

I have always felt that along with McKeever, Dubroff and the rest of the gang that we have an unparalleled understanding and perspective of sports. Over the years I have always enjoyed from afar the antics and analysis that the Buzzer has had to offer. That is why I have decided to start what I hope to be a weekly column here on the Buzzer. I have a wealth of knowledge for all sports, but particularly for basketball and baseball, as well as fantasy sports, so more than likely that's what my columns will focus on. I hope to bring the perspective of a hard core NBA fan, and someone who has quite a number of black friends. I hope everyone will enjoy my first NBA column that should debut at some point this week. I look forward to being the straw that makes the ship go...BLASTOFF!

The Question of Inspectah Deck

Recently I've been on a huge Wu-Tang kick, possibly inspired by Kanye's bastardization of "Ain't Nuthin' ta Fuck Wit'" into a Justin Bieber remix, which Raekwon kills, but seriously? This is your tribute to the legacy of Wu-Tang that you praise so much via Twitter? But Kanye does redeem his Shaolin celebration with RZA's confusing cameo on "I'm So Appalled" (Are there "thirty" white bitches or are there "dirty" white bitches?) and Rae's vivid verse on "Gorgeous." (Buy the album here, if you want to.)

But one thing I noticed while listening to 36 Chambers (a top 5 album of all time) is that one person who one doesn't expect to stick out does: Inspectah Deck. Deck is the first MC you hear on "Protect Ya Neck," and he absolutely KILLS it (The rest of the Clan is pretty damn good too). His verses on "Bring Da Ruckus" and "C.R.E.A.M." and "7th Chamber" make solid verses by Ghost, GZA, and Raekwon seem normal. His introduction verse on "Triumph" is full of the vivid imagery one would think could lead to a solo career that could rival his fellow Clan members. So I wonder: Where is his Liquid Swords? Da Rockwilder (It's Method Man's album, let's be real hear)? Cuban Linx? Supreme Clientele, Fishscale? Even Bobby Digital gave RZA a chance to shine. Deck put in work on "Above the Clouds" with Gang Starr, but he was, alas, overshadowed by a simple Guru verse that works perfectly with an amazing production job from Premier.

The question I am posing is: which athlete has had a comparable career to Inspectah Deck?

Hedo Turkoglu

Hedo was famously mocked as a benchwarmer on the glorious Sacramento Kings of the early '00's by Guy Torry. He then spent one season in service to the team-first Almight Pop-Pop in San Antonio. But once he was set free to Orlando, he blossomed, helping turn LeBron into the foolish prick he is today and having one of the best playoff runs from a role player in a long time. But after that? Hedo listened to his wife and spurned a chance to solidify the Trail Blazers as a title contender to choose the larger Turkish community in Toronto. Frankly, he sucked, and the only highlight was this:

Not exactly the best highlights to have. A trade to Phoenix before this season wasn't much better, as he was exposed as a man who had no idea how to defend anyone in the post. And now he is back in Orlando and loving every minute of it. While his first game with them was a loss to the (at-the-time) streaking Mavericks. But since, the balanced Magic have put up seven straight wins (including a triple-double against the Warriors), with Hedo's numbers not the best of his career but still better than the eggs he laid in Phoenix and Toronto.

Christian Laettner

What has he done without Krzyzewski? Absolutely nothing. Even surrounded by talent on Dream Team I he could only warm the bench. Laettner and the other early '90's Dukies who did get to the NBA (outside of Grant Hill) were absolutely worthless pros and could probably be their own entry in this list. Their team-first attitudes weren't valuable in any way. It took Danny Ferry years to look close to competent, and when he parlayed it into a GM job with the Cavs, he fucked that up royally as well.

Matt Leinart

Obligatory

I think Leinart may actually be the best example of this since he didn't go to Duke (literally, he didn't, but did he go to the closest thing to what Coach K dreams Duke football to be in his nightmares? Absolutely). Leinart was an amazing quarterback at USC, and it's no wonder people were shocked when he fell to #10 in that fateful 2006 draft. But now we see why. Friends with the lead singer of 98 Degreez? Stupid, prideful move. Becoming the closest thing to a checkdown king we've seen before Trent Edwards became the starter in Buffalo? Pretty impressive. Straight up not taking anything from Ken Whisenhunt or other members of the Cardinals coaching staff? That's how you get cut. Leinart thrived in Pete Carroll's "roll with the gifts" regime that allowed him to ballroom dance his way to a diploma, but that laid back attitude (and obvious recruiting/talent advantage) doesn't work like that in the NFL.

Notah Begay III
Dude was a sick golfer in college when he and Tiger Woods were teammates. At Stanford, he was a 3x All-American. But once he got to the PGA and started to compete against Tiger, things turned sour. His second DUI arrest consisted of him hitting a parked car. His best finish in a Major was 8th at the PGA Championship in 2000, and he never cracked the top 10 of one again. Quite a bit of pressure when Tiger is the dude you see at your college reunions. Well, not so much anymore.

From these examples, one can conclude that one thing easily gets in the way of making this a perfect analogy: ego. The analogy works best with athletes competing in individual sports, since colleges and high schools have created a team sport of them that isn't preparing them to be the individual stars that training at earlier levels does. In tema sports, some players feel that they have to be #1 to show that it wasn't all some other dude putting the team on his back. I just don't think Deck works like that. He has to have some involvement in the solo game, but I'm not sure if his head is in it the same way the rest of the Clan is.

King of the Rats

I didn't always think the King of the Rats' crown would be a discolored white headband, but it definitely works. Probably from all of the rat poop. I did know he'd have a beard though.

h/t WarmingGlow

Georgetown=Ivory Coast

Daddy said I COULD HAVE THE WHOLE SLEEVE OF OREOS!

I know this analogy is pretty outlandish, but bear with me here. In the Ivory Coast, outgoing president (well, president who lost the election) Laurent Gbagbo refuses to relinquish power to the rightful winner, Alassane Ouatarra, even blockading the road to his hotel so he can stay in the presidential palace. After stalling through five years of ineffective and downright crappy rule, he continues to stall the country's politics from moving forward. This is has led to appeals from national team captain and the undisputed best Ivorian footballer of all time, Didier Drogba, to ask both sides to stop the violence that has claimed hundreds of lives. Gbagbo can't accept these results for obvious reasons: he likes power.
And so do the Georgetown Hoyas. They love having a home court advantage in DC at the Verizon Center, which is also the home of the Washington Wizards (who really suck at using that home court advantage). And they will go to any measure to hold onto it, even when the 'Cuse rolls into town. So what's the best way to do that? Blockade Orange fans from buying tickets to the game and restricting purchases to Georgetown students and alumni. For only this game. One can overcome this barrier by donating $25 per purchase, all so Madeleine Albright can make it rain at the clubs. This is probably due to the 'Cuse alumni presence, but how vain can you be? Any other team coming to visit the Hoyas have a chance to bring a crowd with them. And with Georgetown's recent two-game slide at the hands of the Johnnies and Notre Dame, for whom Rick Jackson delayed Thanksgiving so he could give them 6 stuffings (one of them was Indian style and reminded me of Vindaloo), they need all the home court they can get, especially because Kris Joseph thinks it could get rowdy (around 8:15).
Georgetown's downfall will be its delusions, and it gets no more delusional than trying to shut out everyone who isn't a yes man. Take it down a notch, and stop making 'Cuse fans donate money to your already loaded school so they can enjoy seeing your team get whooped near home in front of Obama.

LeBron James: A Reputation in Shambles

Merry Christmas, everyone (it's Christmas, gotta say that over Happy Holidays), and thank heavens for the NBA's five-game slate today, because the NFL is too stupid to have a game today. Remember, the NFL can schedule a game whenever they want to and someone would watch it. It happened Thursday, it will happen when the Yankees or the Red Sox play the Phillies in the World Series in October 2011, it would probably be the biggest ratings boom in the middle of July. But I digress.

The reason I decided to get back on this soapbox is LeBron. Oh, how I loathe that narcissistic turd, but there is something behind this whole contraction opinion he recently shared with the media. Look more closlier:

"Hopefully the league can figure out one way where it can go back to the '80s where you had three or four All-Stars, three or four superstars, three or four Hall of Famers on the same team," James said. "The league was great. It wasn't as watered down as it is [now]."

I hope I'm not the only one that is reading into this at length, but think about it: LeBron wants there to be three or four superstars on every team. Now, I know there is definitely one team in the NBA that arguably has to deal with that situation, and that is the Heat. The Celtics are the only other team to fall under this classification, as Pierce, Allen, and KG continue to maintain such a high level of play. The Lakers have maybe three if you count Odom with Kobe and Gasol, but seriously, LeBron arranged to sign with two other superstars in Miami and now he's complaining that the league is watered down. Look at the team he left: Cleveland is watered down because LeBron isn't there, and they're probably headed to the top of the lottery this year because there's no incentive to play there anymore outside of a decent contract offer.

And other teams are not exactly struggling with less than three superstars. The Knicks are holding their own against the League with only Amar'e having made any All-Star appearances, but Gallinari and Felton could find themselves in the mix for the Mid-Winter Classic. Orlando looks to be in the hunt with the shells of former superstars Agent Zero and VC joining the supporting cast of Dwight Howard.

If LeBron wants to scapegoat the rest of the League for being unwilling to shell out for three max contracts, the guise of contraction is not one he should don. Things were great because of great teams in the '80's, not friends who decided to band together to destroy the system. If only every player had this option. Sorry everyone can't band together to rely on others' talents like you.