How is Sepp Blatter still the President of FIFA?

Sepp Blatter's delusions about the World Cup are very strange. Delusions of success in sports seem to be common this week, as seen with Georgetown's efforts to keep Syracuse fans from the game in DC on February 9th. But Blatter is operating with billions of dollars in play in what is financially the most dominant sport in the world. And with Qatar being the first country in the Middle East to host the World Cup in 2022, Blatter is beginning to look foolish with his declarations of future success. They come out looking defensive about what could be a foolish decision by FIFA to give Qatar the tournament. And the specter of this decision looms large with the coming presidential election.
The first place Blatter ran into issues was with the LGBT community. Blatter advised anyone who preferred their own sex to not consumate that relationship during the 2022 World Cup. While FIFA may not have the power to influence domestic politics of their hosts, to explicitly say this at a press conference is disgusting. Of course there were condemnations from the LGBT community, Blatter apologized. But the status quo will not change, that is a guarantee.
Where FIFA could take a major financial hit when the tournament does roll around will be from the club teams. While planning this World Cup, Blatter and FIFA forgot about the desert conditions of Qatar: average temperatures are 120°F during the summer, and players usually are not game for those conditions. Interestingly enough, in the UAE, league matches during Ramadan, which began in August this year, were played after sunset, when temperatures are significantly lower. Could this be the solution that Blatter chooses? Hells no! Instead, he is proposing a winter World Cup. This will go directly against the club season, which runs from late August to May (June if you get deep in Champions League.). Never has a tournament cut into a regular season and been healthy, with the exception of last year's Olympic hockey final, which sealed Sidney Crosby as a superstar and but still didn't help NHL ratings.
How does Blatter expect to get teams on board for this? As Arsene Wenger put it in the New York Times article, you would need "a complete reorganization of the world's fixtures," which he deems a nearly impossible task. While a January tournament may make things easier for players who won't be exhausted by a full season in up to three competitions, one group is not being taken into account: the clubs. The clubs are the major stakeholders on the players. Clubs get paid by the countries for the rights to their players time during the summer for tournaments and during the winter for qualifying matches. What makes Blatter think that teams will take that small percentage and be forced to lose revenue from that time? Bayern already got pissed off about Arjen Robben's injury that he suffered before the World Cup where he took a star turn for the Dutch, keeping him out for two months to start the season. And these clubs are major stakeholders in FIFA's success. Look at this list in Forbes. Four teams are currently valued over $1 billion. Do you think they're going to give up that easily on taking a break in the middle of the season. One of them, Arsenal, has been cruelly mocked by the injury bug of late, and it has kept them from competition for any trophies with so many stars out in the past few seasons.
Football fans are lucky there is more than a decade before this tournament commences. Otherwise, we may have the disaster that many foresaw in South Africa that never happened. I think this one will pan out, but it will probably be without Blatter at the helm of FIFA. Unless the corruption is real, there is no way he is reelected.

To John Calipari, That Toilet Overflowing with Shit is also an Amateur

Kentucky's road to a national title will already be sticky enough with having to deal with Tennessee in the SEC East as well as being extremely dependent on the freshmen Terrence Jones, Brandin Knight (cannot be happier that he spurned Syracuse), and Doron Lamb (surprisingly not Israeli). How could things get worse? Well, Enes Kanter can never be an amateur again. Ever. In the eyes of the NCAA, whose standards may not be the highest for amateurism since they pocket billions off of these so-called amateurs. (Ed O'Bannon and every guy whose pro career didn't pan out the same as their college career agrees)
But Calipari's standards could be considered lower. For one thing Calipari may have gone to the Final Four with UMass and Memphis in 1996 and 2008, respectively, but NCAA history books don't remember it that way. The two players who carried each of his teams through those tournaments, Marcus Camby and Derrick Rose, each were found to have been ineligible ex tempore, as Camby had been in contact with an agent and Rose's SAT scores were invalidated by the ETS. Of course, Calipari being the stand-up man he is, was well on his way to Kentucky by the time anyone drew a whiff of his shit-smelling test of character, so what would he care. It remains to be seen how Calipari reacts when the tarp on one of his shit sculptures at Kentucky blows over before its completion. May I suggest a stint coaching in the Philippines? I'm getting sick of the oily hair that personifies you way better than any of your bullshit PR efforts.

A New Day

These last few years while all of you kiddies have been playing with yourselves in the sandbox, something big was happening. I'm talking real big...Lopedito mug shot big, O.J Mayo Tony Allen big, Beeb growing pubic hair big.

Everyone's favorite under-achiever that hails from Fayetteville-Steve DePaulis-has suddenly become a semi regular contributor to society. Yes, in the last four years my brain has slowly developed to the point that my best attribute is no longer how hard I can make kids laugh on the late bus. I like do stuff now. I even have a job, a wife, and a cat (which I occasionally throw into a freezing cold shower if he pisses me off). Keeping that in mind I have made a rather large life decision.

I have always felt that along with McKeever, Dubroff and the rest of the gang that we have an unparalleled understanding and perspective of sports. Over the years I have always enjoyed from afar the antics and analysis that the Buzzer has had to offer. That is why I have decided to start what I hope to be a weekly column here on the Buzzer. I have a wealth of knowledge for all sports, but particularly for basketball and baseball, as well as fantasy sports, so more than likely that's what my columns will focus on. I hope to bring the perspective of a hard core NBA fan, and someone who has quite a number of black friends. I hope everyone will enjoy my first NBA column that should debut at some point this week. I look forward to being the straw that makes the ship go...BLASTOFF!

The Question of Inspectah Deck

Recently I've been on a huge Wu-Tang kick, possibly inspired by Kanye's bastardization of "Ain't Nuthin' ta Fuck Wit'" into a Justin Bieber remix, which Raekwon kills, but seriously? This is your tribute to the legacy of Wu-Tang that you praise so much via Twitter? But Kanye does redeem his Shaolin celebration with RZA's confusing cameo on "I'm So Appalled" (Are there "thirty" white bitches or are there "dirty" white bitches?) and Rae's vivid verse on "Gorgeous." (Buy the album here, if you want to.)

But one thing I noticed while listening to 36 Chambers (a top 5 album of all time) is that one person who one doesn't expect to stick out does: Inspectah Deck. Deck is the first MC you hear on "Protect Ya Neck," and he absolutely KILLS it (The rest of the Clan is pretty damn good too). His verses on "Bring Da Ruckus" and "C.R.E.A.M." and "7th Chamber" make solid verses by Ghost, GZA, and Raekwon seem normal. His introduction verse on "Triumph" is full of the vivid imagery one would think could lead to a solo career that could rival his fellow Clan members. So I wonder: Where is his Liquid Swords? Da Rockwilder (It's Method Man's album, let's be real hear)? Cuban Linx? Supreme Clientele, Fishscale? Even Bobby Digital gave RZA a chance to shine. Deck put in work on "Above the Clouds" with Gang Starr, but he was, alas, overshadowed by a simple Guru verse that works perfectly with an amazing production job from Premier.

The question I am posing is: which athlete has had a comparable career to Inspectah Deck?

Hedo Turkoglu

Hedo was famously mocked as a benchwarmer on the glorious Sacramento Kings of the early '00's by Guy Torry. He then spent one season in service to the team-first Almight Pop-Pop in San Antonio. But once he was set free to Orlando, he blossomed, helping turn LeBron into the foolish prick he is today and having one of the best playoff runs from a role player in a long time. But after that? Hedo listened to his wife and spurned a chance to solidify the Trail Blazers as a title contender to choose the larger Turkish community in Toronto. Frankly, he sucked, and the only highlight was this:

Not exactly the best highlights to have. A trade to Phoenix before this season wasn't much better, as he was exposed as a man who had no idea how to defend anyone in the post. And now he is back in Orlando and loving every minute of it. While his first game with them was a loss to the (at-the-time) streaking Mavericks. But since, the balanced Magic have put up seven straight wins (including a triple-double against the Warriors), with Hedo's numbers not the best of his career but still better than the eggs he laid in Phoenix and Toronto.

Christian Laettner

What has he done without Krzyzewski? Absolutely nothing. Even surrounded by talent on Dream Team I he could only warm the bench. Laettner and the other early '90's Dukies who did get to the NBA (outside of Grant Hill) were absolutely worthless pros and could probably be their own entry in this list. Their team-first attitudes weren't valuable in any way. It took Danny Ferry years to look close to competent, and when he parlayed it into a GM job with the Cavs, he fucked that up royally as well.

Matt Leinart

Obligatory

I think Leinart may actually be the best example of this since he didn't go to Duke (literally, he didn't, but did he go to the closest thing to what Coach K dreams Duke football to be in his nightmares? Absolutely). Leinart was an amazing quarterback at USC, and it's no wonder people were shocked when he fell to #10 in that fateful 2006 draft. But now we see why. Friends with the lead singer of 98 Degreez? Stupid, prideful move. Becoming the closest thing to a checkdown king we've seen before Trent Edwards became the starter in Buffalo? Pretty impressive. Straight up not taking anything from Ken Whisenhunt or other members of the Cardinals coaching staff? That's how you get cut. Leinart thrived in Pete Carroll's "roll with the gifts" regime that allowed him to ballroom dance his way to a diploma, but that laid back attitude (and obvious recruiting/talent advantage) doesn't work like that in the NFL.

Notah Begay III
Dude was a sick golfer in college when he and Tiger Woods were teammates. At Stanford, he was a 3x All-American. But once he got to the PGA and started to compete against Tiger, things turned sour. His second DUI arrest consisted of him hitting a parked car. His best finish in a Major was 8th at the PGA Championship in 2000, and he never cracked the top 10 of one again. Quite a bit of pressure when Tiger is the dude you see at your college reunions. Well, not so much anymore.

From these examples, one can conclude that one thing easily gets in the way of making this a perfect analogy: ego. The analogy works best with athletes competing in individual sports, since colleges and high schools have created a team sport of them that isn't preparing them to be the individual stars that training at earlier levels does. In tema sports, some players feel that they have to be #1 to show that it wasn't all some other dude putting the team on his back. I just don't think Deck works like that. He has to have some involvement in the solo game, but I'm not sure if his head is in it the same way the rest of the Clan is.

King of the Rats

I didn't always think the King of the Rats' crown would be a discolored white headband, but it definitely works. Probably from all of the rat poop. I did know he'd have a beard though.

h/t WarmingGlow

Georgetown=Ivory Coast

Daddy said I COULD HAVE THE WHOLE SLEEVE OF OREOS!

I know this analogy is pretty outlandish, but bear with me here. In the Ivory Coast, outgoing president (well, president who lost the election) Laurent Gbagbo refuses to relinquish power to the rightful winner, Alassane Ouatarra, even blockading the road to his hotel so he can stay in the presidential palace. After stalling through five years of ineffective and downright crappy rule, he continues to stall the country's politics from moving forward. This is has led to appeals from national team captain and the undisputed best Ivorian footballer of all time, Didier Drogba, to ask both sides to stop the violence that has claimed hundreds of lives. Gbagbo can't accept these results for obvious reasons: he likes power.
And so do the Georgetown Hoyas. They love having a home court advantage in DC at the Verizon Center, which is also the home of the Washington Wizards (who really suck at using that home court advantage). And they will go to any measure to hold onto it, even when the 'Cuse rolls into town. So what's the best way to do that? Blockade Orange fans from buying tickets to the game and restricting purchases to Georgetown students and alumni. For only this game. One can overcome this barrier by donating $25 per purchase, all so Madeleine Albright can make it rain at the clubs. This is probably due to the 'Cuse alumni presence, but how vain can you be? Any other team coming to visit the Hoyas have a chance to bring a crowd with them. And with Georgetown's recent two-game slide at the hands of the Johnnies and Notre Dame, for whom Rick Jackson delayed Thanksgiving so he could give them 6 stuffings (one of them was Indian style and reminded me of Vindaloo), they need all the home court they can get, especially because Kris Joseph thinks it could get rowdy (around 8:15).
Georgetown's downfall will be its delusions, and it gets no more delusional than trying to shut out everyone who isn't a yes man. Take it down a notch, and stop making 'Cuse fans donate money to your already loaded school so they can enjoy seeing your team get whooped near home in front of Obama.

LeBron James: A Reputation in Shambles

Merry Christmas, everyone (it's Christmas, gotta say that over Happy Holidays), and thank heavens for the NBA's five-game slate today, because the NFL is too stupid to have a game today. Remember, the NFL can schedule a game whenever they want to and someone would watch it. It happened Thursday, it will happen when the Yankees or the Red Sox play the Phillies in the World Series in October 2011, it would probably be the biggest ratings boom in the middle of July. But I digress.

The reason I decided to get back on this soapbox is LeBron. Oh, how I loathe that narcissistic turd, but there is something behind this whole contraction opinion he recently shared with the media. Look more closlier:

"Hopefully the league can figure out one way where it can go back to the '80s where you had three or four All-Stars, three or four superstars, three or four Hall of Famers on the same team," James said. "The league was great. It wasn't as watered down as it is [now]."

I hope I'm not the only one that is reading into this at length, but think about it: LeBron wants there to be three or four superstars on every team. Now, I know there is definitely one team in the NBA that arguably has to deal with that situation, and that is the Heat. The Celtics are the only other team to fall under this classification, as Pierce, Allen, and KG continue to maintain such a high level of play. The Lakers have maybe three if you count Odom with Kobe and Gasol, but seriously, LeBron arranged to sign with two other superstars in Miami and now he's complaining that the league is watered down. Look at the team he left: Cleveland is watered down because LeBron isn't there, and they're probably headed to the top of the lottery this year because there's no incentive to play there anymore outside of a decent contract offer.

And other teams are not exactly struggling with less than three superstars. The Knicks are holding their own against the League with only Amar'e having made any All-Star appearances, but Gallinari and Felton could find themselves in the mix for the Mid-Winter Classic. Orlando looks to be in the hunt with the shells of former superstars Agent Zero and VC joining the supporting cast of Dwight Howard.

If LeBron wants to scapegoat the rest of the League for being unwilling to shell out for three max contracts, the guise of contraction is not one he should don. Things were great because of great teams in the '80's, not friends who decided to band together to destroy the system. If only every player had this option. Sorry everyone can't band together to rely on others' talents like you.

A Glimmer of Hope

Now that Miami is stacked and Jon Scheyer hopes to contribute some Dukie hate-fuel to the fire, Carmelo Anthony's wedding to LaLa Vasquez finally has given the NBA some sort of hope. When Chris Paul is toasting to another Big 3 in New York, I am all ears.
I only have one issue: would the Knicks have to give up as much in order to get these three together? The Knicks have 12 spots filled for next season if second-round picks Andy Rautins, Jerome Jordan, and Landry Fields all make the team and Eddy Curry spends this season the way he spent the last one minus the tragedy and the sexual harassment lawsuit from his chaffeur.

So what else can this team do to get better? Gallinari should be untouchable for next year with the progress he showed. Acquiring Anthony Randolph could easily be spoiled by trading him away to get either Melo or CP3. Randolph could be a great player to include in the lineup. Could you imagine Felton running the point, whoever at the 2, Melo at the 3, Randolph at the 4, and Amare at the 5? Gallinari, Toney Douglas, Wilson Chandler, Kelenna Azubuike, and Ronny Turiaf could be an amazing second unit, on the level that the Suns had this past year, and don't forget about those three draft picks, one of which will likely be cut. I'd put my money on Landry Fields just because there aren't any shooters outside Gallinari (Rautins fills that need) and Jordan could turn into a serviceable big man. The Knicks could make these moves this summer and end up being a contender next year, as well as being an option for the part of America who doesn't want to see this Heat team win.

But there is something huge in the way: future draft picks. Curry turned into LaMarcus Aldridge for the Bulls, who then traded him to Portland for Tyrus Thomas. He also turned into Joakim Noah, who had a solid year and looks like he will be an All-Star this season. Donnie Walsh may have been discussing Isiah as a candidate for GM in New York (WHICH IS THE DUMBEST THING EVER WITH KEVIN PRITCHARD UNEMPLOYED), but he'll lock down the draft picks no matter what Isiah thinks is a sure thing. The Knicks need to be able to bring in first-round talent to regain the trust of the New York fans. Amar'e is a great first step, but the franchise needs to show it can nurture pros and not turn them into the mindless idiots Isiah molded for five terrible years at the helm in New York.

It is a long way away, but I think this team has a chance to become a contender and make basketball matter again at MSG. Even on nights when the Lakers or the Heat aren't in town.

LeBron James can never be in consideration for best player of all time.

A few things about the presentation of this decision that was the obvious product of focus groups that proved Cleveland easily discomforts people.

First off, Bing. Why would anyone use Bing now? That has to look like the crappiest place to plug such a crappy site. He'll end up like that Mexican landowner and lose his wife and mistress to somebody like Kirk Hinrich. That hypothetical situation is of course the inspiration for the above Microsoft Paint job. I probably could have found a better moustache, but this shit just makes me happy. Anyways, guess where I found the above picture pre-terrible editing? You guessed it, Alta Vista...yeah, it was Google.

And why Jim Gray for these sensitive situations? Are we still forgetting when Jim Gray made an ass of himself in asking Pete Rose at the 1999 All-Star Game. Let us revisit:

How fun is that? He doesn't want to talk about it, his CAREER IS BEING CELEBRATED!!!! But sure let's just KEEP ASKING HIM. Jim Gray, the most illogical choice for interviewer since...ever. I also like when Rose accidentally says he is getting "a great Asian" from the crowd.

I hope that LeBron reconsiders making his off-season home in Ohio. He did bring some great years to the Cavs, but Craig Ehlo and Brad Daugherty did too. He may have made his name for himself as the best high school player ever, but who cares? It means nothing when you get to the NBA. Remember DeAngelo Collins? Not sure where he was watching this, but I'm betting it wasn't in a McMansion. LeBron is just another NBA player now. He may be popular, but by no means is he a leader. And I just don't buy that these guys can share the ball and get a title the way the Celtics did in 2008. Wade and LeBron are just too ball dominant, and Bosh was only an All-Star because he repped Canada hard. I just can't stomach this team winning on common sense.

The Clippers could have been his opportunity to showcase himself in a global market and play on a damn competent team where he would be first fiddle, with him at the 3 and surrounded by Baron Davis at the 1, Eric Gordon at the 2, a hopefully healthy Blake Griffin at the 4, and Chris Kaman aka Albino Zombie aka "DEY NO NASSING, LE-BAH-SKEE" at the 5. Alas, one of the other teams in contention for LeBron, the Bulls recently fired the coach the Clippers just chose, Vinny Del Negro, who proved himself to have very little ability last season. Way to fuck up, Donald Sterling. One day, you'll learn to care. Nevermind, that will never happen.

And what of New York? Carmelo could still be available next summer, and Amar'e will be most likely going it alone until then since no one else will be available. Denver hasn't been exactly active this summer in pursuing a big gun. But Melo could be out for vengeance this year, as his Olympic buddies have left him out.

Anthony Randolph will be joining the Knicks as David Lee leaves for The Bay to inflate his stats even more under Don Nelson. This could be time for Randolph to come into his own, just as Chris Webber needed Nellie's yolk removed before he could rise to near MVP heights as he did in the late 1990's.

Anyways, I am finally inspired to hate a team as much as I hated the Spurs whenever the won a title. If you play the Heat this season, I'm cheering for you. LeBron, I hope you never win a title. And that your new stepfather is named Delonte West.

World Cup Semifinal I

Now that we are this close to the matchups that few expected. (Where is Brazil? A better question: where is the head of that idiot Felipe Melo?) So let us preview your World Cup semifinal that will take place in less than an hour.

Uruguay vs. Netherlands
This was the most unexpected of matchups. Alas, what do you expect from the weakest quarter of the knockout bracket? Ghana's Asamoah Gyan choked in the most major of ways and Luis Suarez now looks like a genius, albeit an idiot of genius. While La Albiceleste lives on, Suarez's extremely purposeful handball keeps him out for the semifinal. He will play another game, but it is very likely to be extremely meaningless if the Netherlands wins. (Even the Dutch can squeeze in a good joke about it) Otherwise, expect Suarez to be the newest of Ajax's asset to be sold off for a gigantic profit for the good of the health of Dutch football.

The Dutch fans of Ajax will thank Suarez with all that money. Their path to the final has been made that much easier as their defense does not have to deal with a striker of skill like Suarez. The Dutch defense had an embarrassing showing on Robinho's opening to the scoring in the quarterfinal, on a pass right through the center. The Uruguayan defense has been excellent of late, but their will will be tested by the numerous attacking options owned by the Dutch. Wesley Sneijder has had a masterful tournament, but Robin van Persie and Dirk Kuyt are poised to break out soon. And don't count out new starter Eljero Elia, who has proven that even with a hot girl behind him, Rafael van der Vaart is pretty damn overrated.

Anyways, I have to take the Oranje to win this one. Uruguay has had an easy run, and this will be the best team they play so far, and it will be without their best finisher.

That's Amar'e!

So, Amare and the Knicks have agreed in principle. This after he and D'Antoni rekindled the romance over a candle-lit dinner. And now Amar'e can leave Phoenix to sort of play defense for a team that will lack any sort of stopper for next year (Yes, even if David Lee walks). Whatever, D'Antoni now has firepower, as long as Stoudemire brings that aggression he showed during the playoffs against Pau.
Now, we wonder, what else do the Knicks do with their summer? LeBron is enjoying his skills academy and making sure no one tries to dunk on him by teaming up with CP3 to run shit. Could STAT and LBJ be the dynamic duo that New York needs? Dwyane could do the same. Either way, it would give any of these three players the dynamic duo they have never had during the career (Dwyane and Shaq were together when the decline began, Steve Nash can't play defense, Danny Ferry never got any sort of talented player to play with LeBron in Cleveland). While everyone discusses the possibility of a Triumvirate, things are falling in place to look more like two dynamic duos will emerge from these three plus Bosh, with each wing joining a big man in some city.
But New York could be considering making this rebuilding project last one more season. This will be made difficult by the fact that Carmelo is looking like he will sign an extension to remain in Denver. But this also opens up the possibility of a sign-and-trade. If the Nuggets limp out of the playoffs again next year, will Carmelo demand a trade? He has fostered a bond with the Mile High City, so I doubt he would want to make it public and create a PR nightmare.
The Knicks have other options for next summer that have yet to be locked up. Next summer, for now, will include Tayshaun Prince, Caron Butler, a resurgent Z-Bo, possibly David West, Jason Richardson, and Tony Parker among others. The Knicks could wait and make a play for Butler and Parker if the Spurs don't extend him.
The failure of the Knicks will ultimately come from the lack of young talent being put into the team. The Knicks will finally have a draft pick that may actually stay with the team after Jordan Hill was sent to Houston and they had no pick this year (the Jazz had it and got Gordon Hayward). As they now have their ideal salary numbers, I expect them to not move picks, even if Carmelo is made available.

NBA Free Agency Podcast

The second podcast we did over the weekend. Again, Pappy Chalmers=Simple Jack. That is a given. Joining me are Mckee, Girardi Party, and special guest Steve DePaulis.

Listen to it right here. (Right click and Save Target As to download for your own listening pleasure.)

Music Credits:
Andre Nickatina-"Dice of Life"-Conversations with a Devil
Brother Ali-"Self Taught"-Champion EP

INDEPENDENCE, BITCH

So we can beat the shit out of people and RESPECTFULLY LISTEN TO THE SONG, ANUS-BREATH!


U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

World Cup Podcast

Ladies and Gentlemen, your Manual Buzzer World Cup 2010 podcast. Enjoy me sounding like Simple Jack. The lineup is me, Mckee, and Marthur.

You can access the podcast here. (right-click and Save Target As to download to your iPod or whatever to listen to my retardation on the go)

Music Credits:
Eminem-"Cold Wind Blows"-Recovery
The Roots featuring Dice Raw-"How I Got Over"-How I Got Over

Group H

Sorry for lateness here, this is the last one, and we will be hitting you soon with 2 Manual Buzzer podcasts. First, we will wrap up the NBA season and look forward to the draft. Then, we will do a wrap of the Group Stage and preview the knockout rounds of the World Cup.

Group H gives the most interesting geopolitical historical storyline of this World Cup: Spain, the favorites, must contend with two former colonies in their group: Honduras and Chile. What will zombie Simon Bolivar have to say about this?

"CEREBROOOOOOOS."

Nevermind. On to the group...

Spain
Nickname: La Furia Roja (The Red Fury)
Abbreviation: ESP
Last World Cup: 2006: Per usual, the Spanish qualified and did amazing in their group (which sucked: Ukraine, Saudi Arabia, and Tunisia), and then they lost to France in the round of 16.
How did they get here?: Qualifying was very easy. They took all 30 possible points.
Manager: Vicente Del Bosque took over for Luis Aragones after the Euro 08 championship campaign. He did well with the Golden Generation of Galacticos at Real Madrid, winning two Champions Leagues and two Liga Primeras. He lucks out by being in a situation where he can sort of just roll the ball out to an amazing team.
Player to watch: Xavi of Barcelona and Xabi Alonso of Real Madrid in central midfield. These two mark each other during El Clasico twice a year, but in national team service their teamwork is key to Spanish victory, as shown in their run to Euro 08. Both players are key to setting up scorers David Villa and Fernando Torres up front as well as helping the defense hold.
Player not to watch: Marcos Senna, Villareal. The Brazilian mercenary (Brazilian mercenaries play soccer instead of fighting for money wherever they can). The holding midfielder will be missed greatly. He was key to the Euro 08 run, making sure the ball stayed out of their opponents' attacking third. Nobody really plays that role on this team.
Prediction: This team looks primed to get beyond the quarterfinals, which a Spanish team has never done. As long as defensive issues are taken care over, book them for the semifinals.

Switzerland
Nickname: Schweizer Nati (Swiss nationals. What a crap name. It should be The Neutrals.)
Abbreviation: SCH
Last World Cup: 2006: The Swiss won their group and then fell in the Round of 16 to Ukraine on penalties, meaning they never actually conceded any goals.
How did they get here?: Group 2 was a bit of a challenge, and included a loss to Luxembourg. But they won the group by 1 point to avoid the playoff
Manager: Ottmar Hitzfield, a German striker who once scored 6 goals in a game for Stuttgart. As a manager, he has been ridiculous, winning one Champions League each at Werder Bremen and Bayern Munich to go along with 7 Bundesligas at the two clubs. Expect some uncharacteristic attacking tactics from the neutrals.
Player to watch: #10, Blaise Nkufo, who plays up front with old standby Alexander Frei and does his club thang with the Seattle Sounders of MLS. He is Congolese, and he was recently transferred from FC Twente, who he helped to their first Eredivisie last year. He managed 114 goals in 223 appearances with the Dutch side and will be looked to for playmaking up front for this team.
Player not to watch: John Djorou, an Ivorian who plays for Arsenal. The big defender was not included in the final Swiss side. He will be for their next World Cup as he will start getting more time at Arsenal after William Gallas is tranferred out this summer.
Prediction: The Swiss need to keep up their defenses if they want to have a chance. They will probably have trouble with the attacks from Honduras and Chile, and this group is a crapshoot after Spain.

Honduras
Nickname: La Bicolor (Their jerseys? TWO COLORS.)
Abbreviation: HON
Last World Cup: 1982: La Bicolor tied Spain and Northern Ireland in their first two games. But a loss to Yugoslavia ended their run in Spain.
How did they get here?: Goal differential got the Hondurans the 3rd CONCACAF automatic spot, leaving Costa Rica to get rocked by the Uruguayans in the playoff with CONMEBOL's fourth place team.
Manager: Reinaldo Rueda, who has been at the helm since 2006, and considering this is their second time in the World Cup, he is considered a success.
Player to watch: Wilson Palacios, who plays midfield for Tottenham Hotspur. Palacios' family is a footballing one, with his brothers Jerry and Johnny playing professionally in China and Honduras, respectively. All three brothers are also on the team. Tragedy did strike their family when their younger brother, Edwin was kidnapped and then killed.
Player not to watch: Julio Cesar de Leon, of Parma, who is on loan to Torino. The attacking midfielder is the key to creating for this team, but he will be out due to a sprained right thigh.
Prediction: de Leon will surely be missed, and his absence will leave them without a birth in the knockout stage.

Chile
Nickname: La Roja (Spanish for...the Roja...kidding, the Red.)
Abbreviation: CHI
Last World Cup: 1998: In France, La Roja made it out of their group with 3 ties due to a great deal of help from the Italians, who beat the other two teams, Austria and Cameroon, who also ties each other. In the round of 16, Chile was easily defeated by Brazil, who were fueled by braces from Ronaldo and Cesar Sampaio.
How did they get here?: A Surprising second-place finish in CONMEBOL, ahead of Paraguay and Argentina.
Manager: Marcelo Bielsa, an Argentine who lead his home country's disastrous showing in 2002, where they fell to England in the group stage and managed to not even get to the knockout stage, the first time the Argentines didn't get past the first round of a World Cup final since 1962.
Player to watch: Alexis Sanchez, aka El Nino Maravillo (The Wonder Boy), is 21 and plays for Udinese in Serie A as a winger/forward, and has proven himself to be very dangerous with the ball at his feet. Could this be his coming out party for the world? We shall see.
Player not to watch: Marcelo Salas, a striker who retired and put in meaningful time in Europe with Lazio and less so with Juventus. The striker's experience will be missed, but...
Prediction: After a powerful qualifying campaing, this group looks poised to surprise the world. I'm looking for them in the second round.

Group G: Group of Death

Three amazing teams and one team from the most isolated country in the world. Let's get retarded.

Brazil
Nickname: A Selecao (The Selection-Brazil has the most professional footballers per capita in the world. And these are the best of the best. The ones who don't make the cut sometimes choose to play for other countries, like Marcos Senna for Spain, Deco for Portugal, and Mehmet Aurelio for Turkey)
Abbreviation: BRA (LOL!!!)
Last World Cup: 2006: The Brazilians breezed through their group and Ghana in the round of 16, and then Zidane made them look like fools in the quarterfinals as France marched to the final.
How did they get here?: Though Chile and Paraguay were both one point back at the end, the Brazilians, as usual took it easy and ended up in South Africa.
Manager: Dunga, a former member of the Selection. As a defensive midfielder, Dunga recognized the importance of having a strong defense and has moved away from the culture of Joga Bonito. So this may be the most boring Brazil team in history.
Player to watch: Hard to choose just one, but Maicon right now is the hot commodity after getting a treble with Inter. He is a big dude that can make plays on offense, but he is great at keeping danger at a minimum, which will go along with Dunga's plans.
Player not to watch: Hulk, a striker at Porto. Not just because of the name (he looks exactly like Lou Ferrigno), but also because the striking group lacks the size of past Brazilian groups. Adriano is about to return to Europe to play for Roma (quietly becoming a favorite to make a lot of noise in Europe next year), but was not in form enough to warrant a spot.
Prediction: Brazil has a renewed focus and will be ready to get deep in this tournament.

Portugal
Nickname: A Selecao (It's funny because Portugal used to have Brazil as a colony, but Brazil is just so much better than the Portuguese)
Abbreviation: POR
Last World Cup: 2006: Cristiano Ronaldo somehow didn't burn bridges with Wayne Rooney during the quarterfinal by getting him a red card, and then the Portuguese fell victim to the French in the semifinal, which included many boos for Ronaldo's actions in the previous match.
How did they get here?: It was close, as the Portuguese struggled through qualifying, finishing second to the Danish in UEFA Group 1 and lucked out drawing Bosnia and Herzegovina, who they took out 2-0 on aggregate.
Manager: Carlos Quieroz, who did good (read: evil) work helping out Alex Ferguson as an assistant at Manchester United from 2004 until 2008, when the Portuguese gave him the call.
Player to watch: Cristiano Ronaldo. The most metrosexual player in the world, but damn does he pull in the ladies. His latest: Irina Shayk.

















Sorry, I have to change my pants.

Player not to watch: Luis Figo, the leader of the Golden Generation who glued it together while Ronaldo improvised. His steadying leadership was the main reason behind the semifinal appearance in 2006, and there isn't really anyone who can replace him.
Prediction: This is the team that gets the blunt edge of the Group of Death. A much worse group than the one from 2006, they are not ready to compete with their former colony.

Ivory Coast
Nickname: The Elephants.
Abbreviation: CIV
Last World Cup: 2006: Drawing the the Netherlands and Argentina in the same group proved to be fatal for the Elephants, losing both matches 2-1. They did salvage a victory over Serbia and Montenegro in their final game.
How did they get here?: African qualifying handed them very easy draws that allowed the Elephants to easily get to South Africa.
Manager: Sven Goran-Eriksson. The man who drove England, Mexico, Notts County, and probably your mother into the ground. This man is known more for meltdowns than for accomplishing anything. Somehow, he may salvage his reputation.
Player to watch: Didier Drogba. The prolific Chelsea striker is extremely skilled, but a broken arm suffered against Japan will change things up. He may need a soft cast, but he should still change the game.
Player not to watch: Sekou Cisse, Feyenoord. The striker probably would have replaced Drogba if the injury were severe enough. Alas, he will not.
Prediction: The Elephants will make their first appearance in the knockout stage after unsteady Portugal falters.

North Korea
Nickname: Chollima, a mythical horse.
Abbreviation: DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea)
Last World Cup: In 1966 the mythical horses came out of nowhere to upset the Italians in Middlesbrough. Maybe the English should cheer for a North Korean upset early as it has a very positive correlation with them winning the World Cup.
How did they get here?: A lot of qualifying, more than any other team from the AFC that got to South Africa, starting with the first round taking the aggregate over Mongolia. They actually were in the same group as archrivals (politically, militarily, and athletically) South Korea, where the teams played two scoreless draws that probably kept detente going.
Manager: Kim Jong Hun. No information on the internets about him, so don't ask.
Player to watch: Attacking combo Hong Yong-Jo and Jong Tae-Se, both of whom ply their trade abroad in Russia and Japan, respectively. Hong is captain and Jong has 15 goals in 22 appearances. If the defense holds up these two might get some chances to make some proletariat magic.
Player not to watch: The ones that were purged. Seriously, though, it's more politician not to watch: Kim Jung-Il will NOT be attending the World Cup. Could you imagine if he went to the Argentina game and they lost 5-0? International embarrassment is something Dear Leader is good at avoiding. And he will avoid national embarrassment unless they win.
Prognostication: Maybe ready for an upset, but my capitalist pig money is not on them. So yeah, don't expect to see any soccer in Pyongyang this week.

World Cup: Group F

Sorry to be late with the Group F and G previews, but I'll have them out tonight as well as Group H before they start play. Here we go:

Italy
Nickname: Azzurri (Psssst they wear blue)
Abbreviation: ITA
Last World Cup: 2006: The Italians took home the trophy with some luck and a solid defense. And won yours truly $500.
How did they get here?: Marcello Lippi came back and led them to seven wins and three draws in an undefeated run to take Group 8.
Manager: Marcello Lippi, who was called back into action as Roberto Donadoni, the former Italian legend, was unable to do jack squat in Euro 08. Also, check these lookalikes: ex-coach Roberto Donadoni and Glen Coyne of the Flaming Lips:
Donadoni: here.
Mr. Coyne: there.
NO ONE DENIES THIS
Player to watch: Fabio Cannavaro. The diminutive defender is somehow able to maintain control as a centerback, which is crazy since he is only 5'9" and usually marking guys that tower over him. He is moving to the United Arab Emirates after the Cup to play with Al-Ahti, and is very likely to retire from international duty following this tournament to let some new blood into the Italian system.
Player not to watch: Mario Balotelli, Inter Milan. The striker of Ghanian descent is a beast, but he is still a bit of a wild card in the head. He has great command of the game, but when things don't go his way, he sometimes throws tantrums, making Lippi leave him off the roster.
Prediction: There is a lot of old blood on this team, with three players at 23 being the youngest of the group. There may be a completely different look to this team when 2014 rolls around, but for now, experience in such a shallow group will get them to the knockout stage. After that? Not far at all.

Paraguay
Nickname: La Albirroja (OMG THEY WARE WITE!!!111!)
Abbreviation: PAR
Last World Cup: 2006: They were overshadowed by the Soca Warriors of Trinidad and Tobago, but finished above them at 3rd with one win over T&T and two 1-0 losses to Sweden and England respectively.
How did they get here?: Comfortably tied for second with Chile behind Brazil, and even beat both Argentina and Brazil during their qualification run.
Manager: Argentine Gerardo Martino, who won four Paraguayan League titles before being hired for this gig.
Player to watch: Roque Santa Cruz, Manchester City, the only dude on the team with a double-digit goal tally in international play. He will be called upon to get the ball in the net for this team just as he was relied upon during his time with Blackburn in England. I wonder how weird the adjustment is for guys to go from all-star teams like Manchester City or Chelsea or Real Madrid to being a team relying on one player. When that safety net is gone, what happens? We'll see if Santa Cruz can adjust.
Player not to watch: Salvador Cabanas. The striker is the only other player on active duty with a double-digit tally, and could have been valuable working with Santa Cruz, but instead will be staying home.
Prediction: If the Paraguayans can get up and down and work the Italians for a point or more, they will have a chance at the second round depending on their performance against Slovakia (more on them lately).

Slovakia
Nickname: The Fighting Jondas (no idea and don't care)
Abbreviation: SVK
Last World Cup: 1990 as part of Czechoslovakia: This is the first time Slovakia has gotten into the World Cup without the aid of those damn Czechs. In 1990, they reached the quarterfinals. Their path included a 5-1 pounding of the United States and a 1-0 loss to eventual champions West Germany. Fucking commies.
How did they get here?: Dominated Group 3 with Slovenia. Also got to put the whooping strap on former country-partner Czech Republic and watch them NOT qualify. That in itself is a gift.
Manager: Vladimir Weiss. I previously said that only the nepotism of the US would have a coach put his son in the starting lineup of the World Cup. Boy was I wrong. Vladimir will very likely putting son Vladimir in the lineup. Then again, his son is 20 and already got signed by Manchester City, so he may actually be pretty good. His father played, also Vladimir (THE FUCK?!?!), played for Czechoslovakia back in the day...of the Iron Curtain.
Player to watch: Stanislav Sestak, Bochum. Though he may be paying his campaign workers less than minimum wage while paying his relatives huge salaries during his campaign...oh, sorry, this is a striker, not a Senate candidate from Pennsylvania. Sestak will see significant time and will probably have to shoulder some goal-scoring load for this defensively-focused team.
Player not to watch: Defensive midfielder Miroslav Karhan, who has the most caps all-time for Slovakia, and will sit at home for their first World Cup trip. That has to suck.
Prediction: Playing for second with Paraguay and with opposing styles, if the defense holds we'll see them in the knockout round.

New Zealand
Nickname: Soccer Roos

...errr my bad, All Whites. Doesn't make people soil themselves the same way the All Blacks of rugby do, probably because of this:

Abbreviation: NZL
Last World Cup: 1982: Outscored 12-2 by Scotland, Brazil, and the Soviet Union in group play. Oh, happy memories.
How did they get here?: They won Oceania, but that don't mean shit, so they beat Bahrain in a playoff to get to South Africa
Manager: Ricki Herbert. Not good when your male coach spells his name like Ricki Lake. He once played for Wolverhampton.
Player to watch: Ryan Nelsen, a defender who captains both the All-Whites and Blackburn Rovers of the EPL. Nelsen will need to keep the defense steady if New Zealand wants to make any noise in this tournament. Did I also mention he went to Stanford?
Player not to watch: Christian Bouckenooghe, mostly because he is half-Maori, and maybe they'd do the haka if he were there.
Prediction: Not going to get out of the group. Just too weak and not the same skill level as the other members of the group.

Group E

Today we got to see two teams, Slovenia and Ghana, luck out on red cards, and one other, Germany, make every team in the field collectively poop their Zoobaz. Australia is pretty darn mediocre, but Germany looked like Spain picking them apart in the Euro 08 final. Not saying much, but until another team can get a goal differential that high after their first game, Germany is looking like the favorite. Let's take some Group E:

Netherlands
Nickname:Oranje, A Clockwork Orange
Abbreviation: NED
Last World Cup: 2006: The Netherlands finished second in the Group of Death, with Argentina's 6 goal thrashing of Serbia and Montenegro keeping them from getting first. The knockout stage was unkind, as it has always been for the Dutch. In the World Cup game with the most cards shown, both Portugal and the Oranje finished with 9 players and a Maniche goal was the difference. As usual, the Dutch will be playing with a chip on their shoulder.
How did they get here?: A cruise through qualifying saw the Dutch become the first European team to clinch a spot in South Africa with no blemishes.
Manager: Bert van Marjwik is not regarded on the same level of play as predecessor Marco van Basten, he probably won't make as unreasonable of substitutions as van Basten did during Euro 08, when his substitution at half of the knockout game with Russia killed Dutch chemistry and led to a victory in extra time for the Russians. van Marjwik has been much wiser in his management.
Player to watch: Wesley Sneijder, Inter Milan. The midfielder may be diminutive in stature, but in skill he is one of the best of the world. Cast off from the Bernabeu after no silverware arrived, he was an essential piece of Jose Mourinho's efforts to achieve the treble this past year. He'll look to continue his run of good play setting up the potent Dutch attack.
Player not to watch: Ruud van Nistelroy, Hamburg. The finisher rarely fails to take advantage of an opportunity, and despite missing significant time in his career and having retired from the national side, Ruud has seen a renaissance in Lower Saxony, and decided to make himself available. He will not be needed, as the Dutch will field Robin van Persie, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, Dirk Kuyt, Ryan Babel, and Ruud's Hamburg teammate Eljero Elia give the Dutch a plethora of options to use up front.
Another is recent international retiree Edwin van der Sar, the most capped player of all time who has been an anchor in goal. Ajax first choice Martin Stekelenburg is a worthy replacement and will do fine.
Prediction: This Dutch team has been strong, having only lost to Australia in a friendly since their exit from Euro 08. This team will have a healthy front line, a strong midfield, and a good defense. However, the defense needs to step up as they were the primary blame for the Euro exit. This team will definitely get past this group and should get deep in the knockout stage.

Denmark

Nickname: Olsens Elleve (Olsen's Eleven-they just LOVE Matt Damon over there)
Abbreviation: DEN
Last World Cup: 2002: The Danes took Group A, finishing off the shaming of defending champions France, before bowing out in the round of 16 with a 3-0 loss to England.
How did they get here?: A struggling Sweden and Portugal made it very easy for the Danes to take first in their group and seal a spot in the Final.
Manager: Morten Olsen aka George Clooney. He was on active duty for the Danish national team for 15 years, and he was an important part of their run to the semifinals in Euro 1984 and their advancement past the group stage in the 1986 World Cup.
Player to watch: Nicklad Bendtner, Arsenal. He was in great form for Arsenal this past season when called upon, which was often with the injuries piling on. He will be essential in his work up front with Jon Dahl Tomasson and Soren Larsen up front.
Player not to watch: Peter Schmeichel. One of the top 2 keepers of all-time (between him and Lev Yashin), Schmeichel was essential to the Danes' run to win Euro in 2002. Now they rely on a less legendary but capable keeper in Stoke City's Thomas Sorensen. Not the same, but the best available.
Prediction: Playing for second behind the Oranje with the rest of the group, Denmark have the advantage of coming in lacking any issues. But we may want to watch out for any Roligans. I still think they don't progress, as Cameroon looks ready to play.

Japan
Nickname: Samurai Blue
Abbreviation: JPN
Last World Cup: 2006: After taking advantage of their hosting duties to get out of an extremely easy group, they were knocked out by another surprise participant, Turkey.
How did they get here?: Asian qualification makes each draw easy for them, and they dominated their group with Australia in the final round of qualification.
Manager: Takeshi Okada, who previously coached the Japanese in the 1998 World Cup. Japan saw their best success under Brazilian Zico in that 2002 World Cup.
Player to watch: Keisuke Honda, CSKA Moscow. Honda started off the season making free kicks exciting at VVV Venlo in the Eredivisie, and after a transfer to Russia did the same, scoring two goals in 11 appearances, including a goal in the round of 16 that sealed an aggregate victory over Sevilla.
Player not to watch: Shinji Kagawa, Borussia Dortrmund. The young talent was left off the final roster despite being set to join the German side for next season and having been capped 13 times.
Prediction: The Japanese are not the strongest team in Asia. That title goes to South Korea. I don't think they can deal with the skill and physicality presented by any other teams in this group, and they will not reach the knockout stage.

Cameroon

Nickname: Les Lions Indomptables (The Indomitable Lions)

Abbreviation: CMR

Last World Cup: 2002: A win was not enough to progress to the knockout stage as a loss to Germany and Ireland remaining undefeated left them in 3rd in Group E.
How did they get here?: Easy work in both group stages got the Lions an easy ticket to South Africa.
Manager: Paul Le Guen, who made a living as a defender for PSG for 8 years before coaching Lyon and PSG to Ligue 1 titles before Cameroon came calling.
Player to watch: Samuel Eto'o. The striker from Inter is the best to have ever played for Cameroon, and made their World Cup team in 1998 at 17. He looks to feast on the weak defenses in the Lions' group. After some controversy involving the other player considered the best in Cameroon's top player, Roger Milla, made about Eto'o's lack of effort for Cameroon due to it being used for his European clubs, the striker was ready to quit the team until he shut up. Luckily, he has been silenced.
Player not to watch: Jacques Zoua, FC Basel. The young striker will be left out due to injury from what could have been his coming out party as defenses focussed on Eto'o.
Prediction: With Eto'o in the fold along with Alex Song and his uncle, defensive legend Rigobert, expect Cameroon to have a strong showing a progress to the knockout stage.

World Cup: Group D and US Recap

Now THIS GROUP I can get into.
Let's kick up the 4d3d3 like Argentina did today in order to barely salvage three points. Maybe five amazing strikers is a bit too much, as Lionel Messi is out there doing what he wants. But Messi generally can do whatever he wants on the pitch.
How about Greece? They just don't play well in tournaments. They took an extra five minutes to let in their first goal this World Cup, and they were just dominated by the Red Devils. The Koreans have a chance to make it to the knockout stage with that victory.

Germany
Nickname: Die Mannschaft (The Team-how bleak and German, makes me think of Das Boot)
Abbreviation: GER
Last World Cup: 2006: The hosts made a surprise run to the semifinals where they fell to two Italian stoppage time goals in extra time, but did seal third place in Oliver Kahn's last cap with a victory over Portugal. Jurgen Klinsmann was lauded for his efforts and amazing attacking he got out of the group.
How did they get here?: An easy domination of their group, with only two draws to blemish their record and a +21 goal differential.
Manager: Joachim Low, who helped lead them to second in Euro 2008. Low was an assistant under Klinsmann and has been a natural fit succeeding him and continuing the attacking style.
Players to watch: Miroslav Klose and Lukas Podolski combining up front. The two Polish-born strikers were teammates for a couple seasons at Bayern, but Klose chose to return to Cologne with his role with the German giants in doubt.
Player not to watch: Captain Michael Ballack, who sits with an injury sustained from a tackle by Ghanian (OMG SAME GROUPZ>!>!!?!?!?!) Kevin Prince-Boateng of Portsmouth during the FA Cup Final. This is the problem with Chelsea: too many damn good players in the World Cup, meaning any injury will take away from the biggest tournament.
Another note on this: Prince-Boateng's half-brother Jerome will be playing defense for Germany. The two haven't spoken since the foul (I don't speak German, I got a translation). I expect some England-Portugal style drama during this one.
Prediction: Ballack will surely be missed, but this team shouldn't have any missteps during this one. I'm feeling a deep run for The Team.

Serbia
Nickname: Bell Orlovi (White Eagles)
Abbreviation: SRB
Last World Cup: 2006: (with Montenegro): They weren't expecting three losses, but that is what they got in what turned out to be the Group of Death. One was especially bad: 6-0 at the hands of Argentina. Pretty sorry effort from a team considered a defensive stalwart and probably a good jumping off point in the motivational talk from...uh...a Serbian celebrity.
How did they get here?: Losses to France and Lithuania, both away, were the only blemishes as they easily took Group 7.
Manager: Radomir Antic. You know he's seedy because he has managed both Real Madrid and Barcelona. Only in Serbia.
Player to watch:

Milla Jovovich. The statuesque actress, famous for her portrayal of Leeloo Dallas Multipass in The Fifth Element, will be a huge asset in the midfield. Her looks will...wait, nevermind, it's Milan Jovanovic, false alarm. And he's actually a pretty good playmaker at the wing who will be joining Liverpool for the next season.
Player not to watch: Defender Ivica Draguitinovic, who plays for Sevilla, is injured. With him, the Iron Curtain would be back up with a backline including Nemanja Vidic and Branislav Ivanovic. Alas, he will not make it, and Dave O'Brien won't be able to butcher his name either this year.
Prediction: A strong defense will have a better complement at offense now that Montenegro is gone. And with the other teams in the group not completely at full strength, they have the best chance to take second behind the Germans.

Ghana
Nickname: The Black Star (so I can post this video:
)
Abbreviation: GHA
Last World Cup: 2006: The Black Stars shat on my dreams, beating the Americans after I skipped school to watch their final game of that World Cup. A victory of the Czechs also got them to the second round, where they proceeded to be easily dealt with by the Brazilians.
How did they get here?: Only a loss to Benin and a tie to Mali kept them from a perfect record in the third round as they easily progressed to the continent's first World Cup.
Manager: Milovan Rajevac. Also Serbian, also seedy (he played for Red Star Belgrade when they were owned by the mob and the fans were essentially a militia.
Player to watch: Sulley Muntari, the captain is out, and this midfielder who makes his money at Inter will be asked to step up and help control the midfield, an essential activity in this group.
Player not to watch: Michael Essien, injured just like fellow Chelski star Ballack, will miss the tournament after getting hurt in the African Cup of Nations.
Prediction: Still strong without Essien, his work as a holding midfielder will surely be missed. They may make it out of the group, but no farther than the round of 16 in the knockout stage.

Australia
Nickname: Socceroos
Abbreviation: AUS
Last World Cup: 2006: The Roos were bounced at the last possible moment by a Luca Toni flop and the subsequent Francesco Totti penalty.
How did they get here?: Asian qualification, and it was sort of difficult, marked by losses to Iraq and China, and then in the final stage more swimmingly with no losses.
Manager: Pim Verbeek, a Dutchman, so you know they play damn pretty.
Player to watch: Brett Emerton of Blackburn Rovers, who will hope to not duplicate his lack of success by not getting two yellow cards in his team's second group game. He'll be playing with what we call "a chip on his shoulder."
Player not to watch: James Holland, a star in the making at AZ, but at only 21 years old, his lack of experience left him off the final squad.
Prediction: This group is death, and Australia will be receiving the blunt of its trauma. Sorry, Roos, maybe 2014.

USA!
Quite the result for the Stars and Stripes. Out of nowhere. No one expected the Three Lions to have good goalkeeping, but no one expected it to nip their chances to reach the knockout stage even this lightly. Robert Green made a fool of himself and probably caused some Englishmen to kill themselves yesterday (I mean that seriously, not as a joke). The Americans lucked out big time. But so did the English. The Americans got some good looks in as well, and it could have been 5-1 either way at full time. The Americans need to be ready for Algeria, and be especially ready to take 3 points. Otherwise, this effort will have been for naught.
And Oguchi Onyewu may be the next great American defender by his body type, but he is NOTHING compared to that adulterer John Terry, who plays with a passion that Gooch may lack due to his knee injury not being healed to his satisfaction. Whatever the situation, he does not look to be in the shape to participate in a World Cup Final.

Until next time, look for some tweets right here. And tweet back.

World Cup: Group C and Group A recap

This World Cup fight is so 1980's, and I hope it breaks out tomorrow in Rustenberg. It probably won't though. This group presents a quagmire for the betting man. To take what looks like the weakest American squad in years in hopes of upset glory not seen since 1950, or take England, who look ready to stomp this group out like a small, pale Michael Strahan. I will be cheering for the US tomorrow, but in no way can I put money on them. This team will be nowhere near as good as the two that were put out by Arenas in 2002 and 2006, the latter of which fell into a deceptively strong group. And Peter King is hoping his British counterpart (an SI sign of the apocalypse if he exists) is ready to use protection if their bet on the game tomorrow involves some sort of reenactment of the movie Deliverance. Anyways, the team capsules please?

England
Nickname: Three Lions (on the shirt. I know this because my asshole camp counselor from Manchester in 1998, Neil, played this shit over and over and over again. He loved that team. Then they bowed out to Argentina on penalties (FUCK YOUR ARMY, YOU CAN'T PLAY SOCCER, BITCH!) and I mercilessly mocked him. Keep in mind, I was 11 years old. Never play the same song over and over again when I wake up. I will end you using words.
Abbreviation: ENG
Last World Cup: 2006: Keep in mind, they qualify every year, and they find new and exciting ways to choke and drive their country to depression. Anyways, Wayne Rooney hit the jackpot by STOMPING ON A DUDE'S NUTS in frustration, and his teammate at the time, Cristiano Ronaldo, working the referee hard to get him thrown out.

Somehow, they won a Champions League together two years later. And managed not to kill each other. Ah, to have lots of money.
How did they get here?: Breezed through their qualifying group, losing one to Ukraine, but ending up with a +28 goal differential. Yes, get your hopes up, Englishmen, it's almost time to choke in the knockout stage!
Manager: Fabio Capello, the first non-Englishman in charge besides village idiot Sven-Goran Eriksson, but definitely not a village idiot. He took over for Steve McClaren, who couldn't translate his lack of success in Middlesbrough into success for the national team, but did take a Dutch League title this past year with FC Twente (their first ever, mind you). Capello is a tactician, and he actually seems to have England in great form coming into the tournament. He has had quite a bit of success as a club manager, winning Serie A seven times, two of which were revoked after the Juventus betting scandal. He also won La Liga twice with Real Madrid. And he also won a Champions League with Milan. Basically, he is overqualified.
Player to watch: Wayne Rooney at striker. While Ronaldo left Old Trafford for Madrid, Rooney stayed and has shown Ronaldo to be overrated by continuing to poach goals with ease as Ronaldo struggles with "injuries" at the Bernabeu. Rooney may be small, but he'll put the ball in the back of the net with ease. I already showed his temper in the video above. I think Capello has him under control, so expect him to be in the running for the Golden Boot this year.
Player not to watch: Theo Walcott, Arsenal. The young Gunner was left off of the final roster by Capello, a shock to many after he played well during spells of qualifying. His speed and value as a reserve will surely be missed when England chokes out of the tournament. But I'm sure Arsenal fans who are not from England will be happy he is out: Arsenal bit the injury bug pretty bad last year and ended up with no trophies with about half of their starting lineup in wheelchairs by the end of the year.
Prognostication: Like France, England lucked into a very easy group. They'll have no trouble getting out of this group. The question is whether Capello can keep them from making a complete collapse during the knockout rounds, and I think he will be able to put it off for longer than other coaches have been able to.

USA
Nickname: Sons of Sam, The Yanks
Abbreviation: McGuigan's favorite, USA
Last World Cup: 2006: The US got used by Ghana and the Czech Republic, and were the only team to not be defeated by Italy at that World Cup in quite the bloody match. It was quite the disappointment, especiall because people didn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to watch it as they did in 2002. Well, it should lower expectations for this year, but it didn't.
How did they get here?: The standard qualifying with CONCACAF left Mexico and the US on top.
Manager: Youth soccer nepotism lives on! Bob Bradley coaches, and you won't believe who will probably be starting: his son! Bradley did help lead the US to their biggest victory in history when they took out Spain in the Confederations Cup last year. However, he also oversaw their collapse in the final at the feet of a Brazilian team that didn't even try during the first half.
Player to watch: Landon Donovan. Sorry, Cobi Jones, but you were one of the worst midfielders in the history of US Soccer. Donovan is the heart of this team. His struggles made everyone around him look like crap in 2006, and the team did nothing. They need him to step up once again like he did in 2002, especially with a much weaker squad than in 2006.
Player not to watch: Charlie Davies. Davies has something of a cult following, but boy is it deserved. Davies is by far the best strike in US Soccer right now, and may end up going down as the best ever. He should be starting and combining with Jozy Altidore, but his club, Sochaux, has not cleared him to get back to playing after his near-death auto accident on the George Washington Parkway. He will be missed, especially when the US makes an early exit.
Prognostication: Another exit after the group stage. The US is going in too confident again, and I just don't think this team has the capabilities to get the points necessary to progress. Algeria and Slovenia have advantages in athleticism and tactics, respectively, and if the US goes down tomorrow to England, it'll make the games even harder as both will become must-wins.

Algeria
Nickname: Les Fennecs (The Desert Foxes)
Abbreviation: ALG
Last World Cup: 1986: Les Fennecs were defeated by Spain and Brazil in the group stage, managing only a point on a tie with Northern Ireland. 1982 was better, as they managed to beat powerhouse West Germany in their first match in the tournament.
How did they get here?: Tied with Egypt after the last round of African qualifying, a one-off was called for and would be held in Khartoum, Sudan. Algeria got one goal from defender Antar Yahya, and it would probably have been pretty dope to have been there (at 0:52):

Of course, there is also the diplomatic row between the two countries due to the rioting following a match in Cairo.
Manager: Rabah Saadane, who presided over their last trip in 1986.
Player to watch: Abdelkader Ghezzai, Siena. A striker who has been moderately successful in Europe. If he is on point, some people are going to win a lot of money. Not me, I didn't bet on them.
Player not to watch: Mourad Meghni, Lazio. Probably the most accomplished player in Europe left off the roster. Sorry, I know nothing about this team.
Prognostication: Maybe a surprise? The US does not do well against Muslim countries in group play (see: Iran in 1998 handing asses to us like the handed back the hostages following Reagan's inauguration). This team may get the US, but I don't think they have a chance to get out of the group.

Slovenia
Nickname: We don't do nicknames
Abbreviation: SVN (SLO would be pretty bad)
Last World Cup: 2002: Three losses, including one that was the first victory in a World Cup final history for this year's hosts.
How did they get here?: Dominated Group 3 with the team they are often confused with, Slovakia, but coming up two points short put them in a playoff with Russia, which they took on away goals surprisingly following the Russians' amazing showing at Euro 2008.
Manager: Matjaz Kek, who led the U-15 and U-16 teams for Slovenia before getting this job and getting them to the World Cup.
Player to watch: Samir and Jasmin Handanovic, both of Serie A, are cousins and both play keeper. It's funny that their last name is Handanovic and they get to use their hands when playing football. MINDFUCK!
Player not to watch: Not really anybody notable who was left off or anybody notable from history.
Prognostication: This team is tactical, which will present a problem for the organized chaos that is US football and Algerian football. I see them in the knockout stage, but that will be it.

South Africa vs. Mexico
First off, fuck Sal Masakela. Dude works for E! and he gets to go to the World Cup? A bunch of bullshit. I'll go to Soweto and report on people watching the game. Anyways, Siphiwe Tshalalaba put in an amazing strike from the left for the first goal of the tournament. Amazing to see it from South Africa. But a free kick left Rafael Marquez open to level in the 79th minute. Coming away with a point was a disappointment for Mexico, but a big victory for South Africa. Parreira could probably make a home in South Africa for the rest of his life following that match.

France vs. Uruguay
Two national teams heading in two different directions, and France held off on a collapse for a little longer. Forlan missed a chance in the 72nd minute, and Thierry Henry and Florent Malouda could make no magic off the bench for Les Bleus. Still looks like Uruguay will progress, but will France step up their game? I'm thinking the performance will be like World War I, because I don't know how a soccer team can have a performance analogous to the French capitulation in World War II on the pitch.

Anyways, keep enjoying the matches tomorrow. I'll be tweeting at 7:30AM tomorrow through the games, follow me @dubsj