10. Philadelphia Eagles Fans
Typical Eagle Fan: Loud mouth white guy with an away Mike Vick jersey. Wide range of ages. He's 20-30 pounds overweight, and always has his intense game face on.
Why they made the list: Simply put; their delusional view of Donovan McNabb. Anybody remember how the eagles landed Donovan in the first place? Probably because they had sucked donkey balls for about a decade before he arrived, and were able to pick him that high in the draft. After being booed on draft day (I'm still not sure why) McNabb overcame that adversity to turn the Eagles into the most consistent team in the NFC from 2000-2009. Did he have a few shortcomings in some NFC Championship Games?-sure. Were the Eagles participation in those games light years ahead of where they were before McNabb arrived?-yes.
Oh and did I mention that there was only one season where McNabb had a decent skill player (T.O) that wasn't an injury machine (Brian Westbrook). That also happened to be the year that the Eagles made the Super Bowl. Other than that year-where they were one possession away from beating a dynasty-McNabb carried their offense. Donovan totally changed the culture of the Eagles, helping them transition from a joke team with a joke home field, to a perennial contender with a brand new stadium.
That's where the loudmouth's in Philly irk me. For every fan that's had a crush on Kevin Kolb and now Mike Vick, I'd like them to tell me what exactly those two have accomplished. Prison sentence aside, Vick's career has basically been the poor mans Donovan McNabb. All of the Philly fans who've blasted McNabb complained most about his sometimes shaky accuracy in missing open men. Those same people are cheering for perhaps the NFL's least accurate QB, and someone who will lead similar or lesser results to McNabb, especially given the league now has had a year to scout post prison Vick. I think it's cool that once McNabb began to decline late in his stay in Philly that the fans wanted him out. It's the total lack of appreciation and perspective about McNabb that makes me add Eagles fans to this list.
9. Los Angeles Lakers Fans
Typical Laker Fan: A wide variety. It can range from an over weight guy in an 85 Prism with a purple Laker flag in the back window, to David Beckham and Jack.
Why they made the list: Here on the east coast we just can't relate to the type of fans that attend Laker games. Nothing is more irritating than watching a huge Laker home playoff game, and not being able to tell the difference from a mid January game. In L.A the games are just an event, and for those in the lower deck, a cheap way to get some publicity if you're a "B" list celeb. The 2010 Finals were the most pathetic display of crowd noise/intensity I've ever seen in the Finals, and this was against their biggest rivals. As a success starved Knicks fan it makes me so mad to see a fan base treat a Finals appearance something to do before their dinner reservations.
As for the other kind of fan (Prism guy)I've never met one who had a drop of perspective or sense. For the most part they are vile leaches of society that destroy the very fabric of this nation. If one of the Prism guys Laker fans was on fire, Mike Dobesh and I would intentionally place spikes in the middle of the road to blow the Fire Trucks tires. I hate those Prism guys.
8. Phil Mickelson Fans
Typical Mickeslon Fans: White male age 35-65. They have no facial hair, and tuck their IZOD shirts into their Khakis. They are the kinds of guys you see hanging out at the bar after a round of golf hitting on the hot young bartender who's playing along to get a big tip. This is where you will also find a good number of your closet racists.
Why they're on the list: Perhaps that seems a bit extreme. I can only go off personal experience. There have been many a family reunion where a certain anonymous group of my relatives sit there and bash Tiger (pre-scandal Tiger mind you) for bringing a showy element to the game, and they would rather root for a clean cut family man like Mickelson. In other words, there's no way I'm rooting for a black dude to win the Masters. Mickelson hasn't really ever said or done anything that warrants his title of charismatic, other than just choke in a bunch of final rounds. His wife did survive cancer, but we know nothing of him personally beyond that. (Quick tangent: 99.99999% of our favorite athletes are doing grimy things in some way behind closed doors, only some happen to get caught. A brief story just to make a Red Sock less likable...In 2008 I was flying from Cancun to Philadelphia. There happened to be a rather fetching blond sitting next to me on the flight. This was in the days before Lady DePaulis and I were an item, so I figured I might as well talk to this gail. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but it came up that she was Jon Lester's ex-girlfriend-Roxy was her name. They had been together from the time they were fourteen living in Seattle, and she showed me pictures of them together as a couple over the years. She was with him when he was in the minor league's and first got called up to the majors. She was with him when he had cancer and took care of him every day. When he made his comeback they were still together. As Lester began getting healthier and dominating hitters she was at almost every game. All of a sudden one night, he sent her a text message that after seven years it was over. He wouldn't even return her calls, and was walking around with some bimbo. Now Jon had every right to break up with a girl, but it's a pretty classless manner to do so, something most people wouldn't do to somebody. If you hadn't known someone personally involved, you would only know Lester as the dominating lefty who overcame cancer, instead of being a dominating lefty who gracelessly left a seven year relationship when he became famous...Back to real life). This is probably the one group that I have the least to back my claim up with, other then every lefty fan I've ever met falls into the same arrogant, hidden racist genre. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.
7. AND1 Basketball Wannabees and Fans
Typical fan: Below average (basketball wise) inner city white kid that frequents the local YMCA and talks in broken Ebonics. Trashy facial hair, acne, stained beater or knockoff AND1 jerseys, and fake Tims are a must.
Why they make the list: Anytime these kids are involved in a real five on five, it makes the game 75% less enjoyable. Anytime these kids talk about an AND1 episode, it makes everyone sick to their stomach. I thought that this fan base would be extinct by now. However, when I spent a month going to the Downtown Syracuse YMCA, there are PLENTY of these kind left. For the most part they are rude, obnoxious, and most of the time smell like spoiled milk. To quote Peter Griffin, "they are offensive to all five senses." Good riddance and good day!
6. Auburn Football Fans
Typical Fan: Barely understandable male anywhere from 10-85. If you know how many yards the third string full back had in the big Spring football game-and yet don't know who won the NBA, MLB, and NHL titles this year, you most definitely qualify for this fan base.
Why they made the list: Really I could have put any SEC football fan in this group, I just happened to choose Auburn. For the most part, football in this part of the country is more important than family or religion. While that's fine to be a huge sports fan, football in these parts of the country is so big that a good number of those fans are oblivious to other sports going on around them. I remember an article in the Post Standard in 2003 profiled one of Auburn's finest. In March of 03' Auburn's basketball team was in the midst of a surprise run to the sweet sixteen as a ten seed. This particular fan that we'll call Bubba was interviewed by Bud Poloquin as to what he thought of Auburn's chances against Syracuse. His answer was that he had no idea, but went on to to basically name the entire A and B rosters for the annual Auburn Spring Football game. It's a fan like him that is so uneducated it's irritating. Football is the easiest to understand of the four major sports, which explains why most of the South gets 100000 fans for a college football practice, and the Atlanta Hawks and New Orleans Hornets draw about 10000 fans for a game. As a matter of fact, I'm going to group Nascar fans in with the SEC football fans at #6. They're all the same people anyways. If it wasn't for Disney World we could give the whole Southeastern United States to China and it would be cool with me.
5. Fake Soccer Fans
Typical Fan: Male, age 15-40. Considers himself "cultured," and plays in a co-ed league once a week. Watches both World Cups...and no other kind of soccer. Will get into spirited arguments with non-soccer fans for their lack of prospective on the "World's Sport," yet can't name five soccer players in the MLS, and can't name ten players world wide. More than likely they played soccer in High School.
Why they make the list: Soccer has real fans like my friend Justin, who stays up until four in the morning watching soccer that's being played half way around the world. That takes dedication that most fans don't have (as well as the ability to sleep until 2 PM everyday...something also that most of us don't have). From what I can tell, people like Justin are the minority when it comes to soccer.
I've been in more arguments with soccer fans over the years, than all other sports arguments combined, and typically it's provoked by them. After they watch a big game (like the U.S Women's Finals match in the World Cup) they usually ask my thoughts or analysis. When my reply is something along the lines of 'I don't watch soccer,' they look at me the same way the kid my mom cleaned for looked at me when he realized I was wearing his hand me down shirt in school that his mom had given to our "less fortunate" family. I don't enjoy that condescending attitude, which usually leads to a long argument. The same checklist is used against most of these cultured soccer fans.
-Is the person arguing with me a mediocre to poor athlete, who's not good at any sport that involves the use of their hands (99% of the time-yes)?. More than likely they play in a mixed league, where the best players are actually the very muscular females. If you're a terrible athlete/soccer player nobody really knows. There's no real quantifiable way to prove that you suck, because they can hide you on defense, and because you know most games are 1-0 and there are no stats to say that YOU SUCK.
-Do they try to make the ridiculous argument that soccer players are the world's best athletes? I always enjoy when I try to get them to name categories other than endurance, foot-eye coordination(is that a term?), and being a pansy that they are better athletically than other sports. For instance, is whoever soccer's best athlete in the same stratosphere athletically as LeBron James? Derrick Rose? Eddy Curry? Seriously? GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!
-Most importantly...Is their motive in watching soccer to be a man of the world, and act like a total douche to uncultured non-soccer fans? A resounding YES!!!
The next time you see one of these fans at your local Mall Barber Shop rooting for their "favorite team" during the next World Cup, just save your breath and walk away if they try and educate you on the World's game. (Please note that this isn't towards people who really are good at soccer, or do watch soccer year round).
4. Miami Heat Fans
Typical Heat Fan: Either a powerful CEO from Miami who attends games with a woman so tan that race is impossible to determine, or urbanite (in any city) who wants the Heat to stick it to the white collar dudes who are hating.
Why they make the list: Both of the above groups are out of touch. The CEO is exactly like our Laker fans, only 1000000 times more bandwagon, since nobody was at Heat games in 2009. They don't make noise, AND they wear those ridiculous white out T-SHIRTS (the only two times that the mandatory T-Shirts ever worked for me was when OKC did it the last two years, and the best ever with Golden States Golden "We Believe" shirts in 2007).
The Urbanite makes the list for supporting what LeBron did to Cleveland, the Big 3's welcome celebration that might as well have taken place at DZ it was so childish, and their blind argument that LeBron hasn't choked in the playoffs for a good percentage of his career. Being a fan of someone is understandable, but at least admit their shortcomings.
John Starks was my favorite player as a kid. I actually rooted for him at each stop after the Knicks, so I can relate to following a player to different teams. However, would it be irritating if I refused to acknowledge that he had one of the all time worst individual games in game 7 of the 94' Finals? Obviously. LeBron is synonymous with the Heat now, so by rooting for the Heat and LeBron, you fall in the category of a clueless fan, who's lack of self awareness only rivals that of LeBron himself (do all five of you readers like the total flip flop I've done on LeBron since the Finals?).
3. Chicago Cubs Fans
Typical Cub Fan: I will let a former manager familiar with the Cubs do the talking."...For the f*ckin' nickel-dime people who turn up? The motherf*ckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the f*ckin' game. They oughta go out and get a f*ckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a f*ckin' living. Eighty-five percent of the f*ckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A f*ckin' playground for the cocks*ckers. Rip them motherf*ckers. Rip them f*ckin' cocks*ckers like the f*ckin' players..." Lee Elia did a pretty good job summing that up.
Why they make the list: When I began drafting this piece, I actually had the Cubbies at number one. Perhaps my biggest problem with Cubs fans is that they are so casual about being the biggest losers in all of sports. They believe it's some badge of honor that they've continued to show up for day games to relax and have a hot dog, while their favorite team is an embarrassment. I will tell you what a good fan base does when the owners screw the fans year after year. The fans stop showing up. Want to know how I know this? I'm a Knick fan. In the words of the Mad Dog "you could have had awchewy (archery for those of you unfamiliar with dogs speech problems) pwactice in the gaadan Mike...AWCHEWY PWACTICE!!!" Knick fans simply got fed up with Isiah, Dolan, Marbury and the rest of the gang that were running MSG into the ground. The fans made a statement, and forced management to act. If Knick fans hadn't, then our favorite team easily could have turned into the embarrassing side show the Cubs have become.
What a friggin cop out to blame curses, black cats, and Bartman for your failures. If there's a baseball team that's snake bitten, it's the Indians, not the sorry Cubs. The Indians have put together GREAT teams that were put together right in the middle of the Braves and Yankees dynasties. They blew a game seven of the World Series thanks to some tough bounces, and blew a 3-1 ALCS lead in 2007 mostly out of youth. Those fans deserve a title. The Cubs have had one year where the stars aligned for them allowing them to contend, and they still blew it.
Bill Simmons tackled the topic in his mailbag this week, but it's worth repeating. It's a total disgrace to everyone involved that Steve Bartman caught the heat that he did. Mostly I blame Cubs fans though. It was OK to me that Alou got as heated as the did. Even though he probably wouldn't have caught the ball (no seriously he has maybe a 10% chance at that ball), he was in the heat of the game and reacted. The rest of the Cubs did their typical Cub duty by totally imploding (Alex Gonzalez error, Prior gagging, Kery Wood gagging in Game 7), and that was that.
Like the typical idiot fans that they are, the Cubs fans blamed Steve Bartman, and ruined the guys life as he knew it. So basically, after 100 plus years of terrible owners, ranting lunatic managers, choking over rated players, the person you're actually going to get mad at is Bartman? Let me clue you in Cubs fans, even if Bartman hadn't touched the ball, your team still would have found a way to choke. You root for the Cubs, where the only thing more pathetic than the team you root for are you the fans. I hope the Cubs go 1000 years without a World Series just to torture these losers.
2. Bandwagon Yankee/Red Sox Fans
Typical Fan: Either a celebrity who knows nothing about sports, or a regular person who knows nothing about sports. The celebrities who know nothing typically root for the Yankees, unless they are from New England.
Why they made the list: Simply put, they make the real fans of these guys look bad. If you were a Yankee fan before 1996, and Red Sox fan before 2003, than you are probably a real fan of this team. A short three person player quiz will quickly determine if you have a real Red Sox or Yankee fan.
For the Red Sox, have you heard of these three players?
1.Mo Vaughn
2. Jim Rice
3. Carl Everett
For the Yankees, have you heard of these three players?
1. Don Mattingly
2. Dave Winfield
3. John Wetteland
Most real fans of either team would think that those questions are a joke. Don't be surprised though, when about 50% of the people who claim to be fans of these teams won't know every player on the quiz.
When the Red Sox won in 2004, the whole world was captivated. The result was Fenway and the Red Sox became a merchandise machine, and the real Red Sox fans had to learn to deal with the people who fell in love with the team through "Fever Pitch," and subsequently represented themselves as a Red Sock fan wearing a green or pink Sox hat, and knowing next to nothing about baseball. Red Sox also got their fair share of bandwagoners who are natural contrarians, and like to claim they root for the Sox.
Being a bandwagon Yankee fan became the in thing when JayZ starting rocking the interlocking NY cap. Celebrities like to think of themselves as their own empires, so the idea of being a celebrity and rooting for anything but what's considers basesball's evil but most famous/successful empire is appealing. The result? Any big Yankee game you see get your Tiger Woods' and your Tom Cruise's in the front row hogging attention while the game is going on.
The thing that makes these two types of scum bag bandwagoners so annoying is that the real fans of these teams are the best in sports. Even despite being racist, and all looking like 26 year old frat boys, you can't question a Red Sox fans passion (their intelligence is a different story). Same about the real Yankee fans out in the bleachers and in the upper deck. One day, the real fans should team up to exterminate the fake fans, and go back to loathing each other after it's done, a la Mike Williams and Adam Cauger teaming up to steal weed from Aga. Until then, we're stuck with these useless pustules. However they still aren't as bad as...
1. Duke Basketball Fans
Typical Fan: Either a nerd of any race who attends Duke, or just a total 100% DBAG
Why they made the list: What's not to hate honestly. I've heard some people compare rooting to Duke with rooting for the Yankees, but that is just silly. Yes, both teams have competitive advantages due to having more resources than their competitors. The difference is that Duke has all of those advantages, AND only recruits white momma's boy who breast feed until they're twelve, and could recite you their alma matters, and would probably do a tap dance as they sang it, or they recruit something that rhymes with Smuncle Smom's who have the same conceited attiitude as their white counter parts. I've never met someone who rooted for Duke that wasn't a gut wrenching, vomit inducing prick. Anybody who could root for the ADD assistant coaches, and coach K's smug welcome back Kotter looking face is as bad as the trolls who attend the school. One day, the Cameron crazies will be stomped about by a group of wild B.C fans, and taken out of our lives. Until then, we have to deal with thier wealthy, my daddy's a captain of industry attitude. The rest of us will just have to deal.
I welcome Dannymac and Pappy's list...
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