The Early Days
My first experience with Dan, was on the bus in Kindergarten. Dan and I both lived on the same street, hailing from the same lower middle class area, in an upper middle to upper class school district. Now a kindergarten bus generally consists of two types of boys. The first is your totally over-matched momma's boys, who hide on the inside seat next to either a member of the opposite sex (think Forest Gump and Jenny), or a polite immigrant. The other is your loudmouth, destructive little boy. Fart jokes, action figures, and bullying usually make up this group. Dan McKeever fell into neither group. The first time I remember Dan, was that year on the bus. Somebody nudged me to go take a look at this crazy kid at the back of the bus. Upon going back, there was Dan, with a full sailors outfit on(dead serious). Even better, he was ranting about how he loves fish, and kept repeating "FISH! I LOVE FISH!!!" It was so bizarre that I can remember it to this day. I really wouldn't have much interaction with Dan until around the time that he was nine or ten, but that story seems relevant in profiling Dan.
When Dan and I truly hit it off was middle school. Being paired in Ms. Cosgrove's fifth grade puberty factory, we quickly realized that we weren't quite like the other kids. I'm guessing on that first day of Middle School, Dan surveyed the classroom. I'm sure what he saw was every person in that room wearing brand new Old Navy, Gap, or whatever was trendy for kids to wear at that point. His eyes probably next went to me, sporting a shirt that had sleeves too long to be a t-shirt, and too short to be long sleeved. This shirt went perfectly with my jeans that I also happened to wear on the first day of fourth grade, and my shoes that looked like they were straight out of the donation boxes from the holiday drive. I don't recall exactly what Dan was wearing, but I'm sure it was something eerily similar. Right there we had an understanding. While we certainly made other friends, there was always an unspoken understanding that Dan and I were raised in entirely different worlds from the ones our classmates were raised in. It didn't bother us in the least, and aside from some really embarrassing times (like when Dan said he wore a T-shirt down to his knees to cover up what was/wasn't on underneath, or when I had a boot and a shoe on at the same time) we made light of it. Obviously, we both knew/know that there were kids who grew up with less money than we had, and in far worse living conditions. The difference is that when it came to school, those kids were at least on level playing fields with their classmates. When you have no money, and you live in a district that the most affluent in the county, it makes you incredibly aware of your situation.
Dan used this to his advantage. Instead of being embarrassed that he wore shirts twice or three times in the same week, I'm guessing that he appreciated things more for going through that. The genesis of the the hard working, down to earth Dan was created in those years. Some other fun facts about middle school Dan:
1. Had a different crush on a girl every week seemingly. Erratic even for a middle school boy. The JP-C era being his Matt Clement, Edgar Renteria period if his relationships were Red Sox free agents.
2. Dude was tiny short all the way through middle school. Picture a fifty inch color version of Dick Van Dyke wearing a shiny Puma jersey and you have an idea of Dan.
3. Dude already was the smartest kid in the district by seventh grade. He probably could have taught most of our teachers at Wellwood (our middle school)
4. Dan was one of those kids that was popular without having to hang with the popular crowd if that makes sense. He had the respect of the jocks, stoners, preppy kids, and nerds. If he was an athlete, he'd probably be Robert Horry, seamlessly fitting into any team he was put on and contributing.
5. For all of sixth grade Dan rocked a flip up hairdo in the front, that aside from his Dick Van Dyke look, also gave him a Pee Wee Herman undertone
The Later Days
If the friendship of Dan and I were a movie, I would definitely have to go with the classic Stand by Me. I've often told Dan that I was River Phoenix's character, with him being whoever that main character was that had a leech on his dong in the swamp. While I was thinking it was cool to under achieve and apply no effort to a GPA probably a point lower than it should have been, Dan was in classes at least a level above me, also not seeming to care about his grades, and still managing to bang out grades that would given Bittner a wet dream. Our high school lives were probably a little different.
Our fall back was that Pappy, Dan, and I were all in (gulp) orchestra together. For four years we were able to embrace the fact that we were surrounded by orchestra nerds. This produced some of our best times together (more detail to come in Pappy's profile). We also got the chance to hit on two different hotttt(at the time) student teachers, with Ms.Missildime being Joe Dimaggio to Ms. Baretta's Micky Mantle. We got the pleasure of wearing tuxes , while our female counter parts had to dress like 85 year old Italian woman in the kitchen during our concerts. All in all, it was a fairly solid experience. When the bell rang after that first period orchestra, Dan and I would go our separate ways for the day.
Dan was always way ahead of his time. Most people early on High School try to latch on with a group, and form the next four years of their lives with their group of friends. While I was trying to fit in to all of the most popular crowds (encountering a large amount of dbags along the way), Dan found a group of solid friends who didn't care about popularity-though not losers by any means. What speaks to this group's character is that for the most part they are all very close even now, five years after graduation. What speaks even more to their character, is that despite the fact that I was a total prick, and if not totally aloof to a lot of these kids, they have always been as nice as possible to me. Looking back, I would have joined that group of high character, people with substance, over 99% of the kids that I called friends in High School. Dan was able to see that.
High School is when I remember Dan really developing a love for sports, and a great ability to write about them. I like to think that a lot of our sports conversations that took place at seven am on the bus were the inspiration to some of Dan's best work. Around our sophomore years it for some reason hit me that Dan was a Red Sox fan. I could put up with him because I could tell that he was an authentic Sox fan, and not somebody rooting for them just to be a contrarian. I've got to be honest, as much as I usually loathe Sox fans, it was hard to look Dan in the face after Boone's dinger, because I couldn't imagine how much that morning must have sucked to be a real Sox fan like Dan (until about a year later when I completely understood). Other sport memories included Dan being our backup goalie on the greatest hand ball team ever formed. Dan stepped in a la Drew Bledsoe in the 01' AFC title game in our final game, to preserve a victory in a surprisingly closely contested game. The enduring memory I have is of our "Seniors v. Weiners" backyard baseball games that featured Dan and my brother squaring off against yours truly. You only need to know a couple of things about Dan's game; He used a bat that was so small and light that he literally never swung and missed. It pissed me off so badly that I could blow the ball past every other person I'd ever faced, and yet Dan was up there swinging a 2 oz. bat that ensured contact. Dan the pitcher was hysterical. Though he supposedly had about five pitches (one of which was called "junk"), they all looked the same and were the same speed-think Phil Hughes earlier this year. Every game ended with the following things happening. Neither team could get anybody on the other team out, resulting in a score that looked like a multiples of 5 times table. Dan and my brother would seriously argue with each other over who should pitch, because one of them was getting shelled (always hysterical to me since I think each of them averaged getting about one out per game as there was a five run per inning rule). Fantastic stuff. A few other fun facts about High School Dan;
1. Had one of the all time funniest girlfriends. He went out with this girl for at least a few months, and nobody ever heard her talk. She looked and acted like Dan beat the daylights out of her (he didn't) and was keeping her mouth shut to ease her pain. That era being summed up by one of my friends asking me "did McKeever kidnap that girl?" As randomly as the relationship started, it ended, with both of us pretending like it never happened. They met over a managers special in the P&C break room, and ended it the same way. Pour one out for...um whatever her name was. (editors note: McKeever's ex Jess Getty is an avid Manual Buzzer reader and was able to point out to me that there were some parts about this point that were false. While I really only stated that she was very quiet, she took offense to the way she was portrayed. I do sincerely apologize Jess. You do have social skills I'm sure. As a matter of fact your comment on Dan's wall may have been the funniest single thing I've ever seen in print, and probably tripled our viewers. I hope that you continue to read the Manual Buzzer and comment on our articles in the future.)
2. Mckeever's greatest quote of High School. "Dude I'd do (name of hot girl from High school removed to protect the totally unaware) if she went bald." It was a million times funnier in person, especially since we were totally sober.
3. Senior year, Dan would take on one of the great straight man roles in high school history. Improbably, Dan landed in a statistics class that made Mr. Kotters class look like an episode of Leave it to Beaver. With the greatest collections of comics since the Farley years of SNL, Dan was perfect at setting up the willing heavy weights of comedy in our class. That class also included a senior picture of teacher hung up, that doubled as the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.
4. Never saw the guy in a bad mood honestly. Very underrated good trait
Post Graduate to present
When I talk about Dan to my parents, I usually make one statement. He's the only genius I've ever met who's not crazy. When you're as smart as Dan is, there's supposed to be baggage. He should be cutting out old SI's trying to find the formula to build a sports code to predict future games like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Instead, you can talk to the guy about anything under the sun, and you wont feel over matched (even though you are). The only thing that may offend you is his facial hair, that looks like Ben Nelson gave to Dan when he kicked the bucket in 2003.
As far as accomplishments, well...
-Graduated from Ohio State (I will never make Dan and Chuck high five eachother by saying "the ____ _________")
-got in a 2PAC Biggie level beef with his schools newspaper (I want to say The Lantern?)
-became a master with wood (paging Beevis)
-the only person that can go toe to toe with me on random FM trivia
-got a saweeeet job in our nations capital
-Is building my wife and I a hand made crib for our daughter
-is the only person in the world I would trust with such a task
-Most well rounded person I've ever met...and really those last two are the highest compliment that I can give
-Thanks for the years of being a true G and a great friend Dan...Pappy's profile to come
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