As you can see from these Luca Toni and Iker Casillas faces, I have become an inspiration to world class footballers who decided to 'stache it for this final Euro quarterfinal. I like both players, but this match's Adam Morrison High As Balls at Rage Against the Machine's Reunion Show Faded Moustache Player of the Match Award goes to Casillas, who ended a pretty much completely boring game with two great saves of penalties by De Rossi and Camronesi. The Spanish seemed to outplay the Italians for most of the match. Toni was not very impressive in his poaching job, and for some reason, with Del Piero in for Aquilani and coupling up with Luca, Italian long balls were being directed towards the smaller and faster Del Piero instead of the taller, fatigued Toni.
(Side note: If Luca lets the 'stache bloom during the Bundesliga, we have to refer to him as Luigi, because Mario Gomez is already referred to as Super Mario).
So now, with three runners up and a very intriguing rematch of a group stage romp, I, your good friend Pappy Chalmers, after looking my friend in the eye and telling him Russia would come out on top right before kickoff, I try to make it possible for you to determine how to make a bookie owe you money with this complete bullshit analysis that Dennis Hopper probably uses so he won't have to depend on a drunk Mickey Jones to not put in a terrible bet:
Turkey vs. Germany
I spent my last fall writing a paper about the role of the Turkish population in Germany, where many are not allowed to acquire citizenship but fill many menial jobs in the German economy. Their role could possibly change if they are able to upset the German side on Wednesday, but it will be tough with Germany in great shape and Turkey missing many key parts such as Nihat, their starter and leading scorer, is out with a thigh, and so are five of his teammates and keeper Volkan stupidly knocked down Jan Koller for no reason. And Recber Rustu is still old, even though he is a god damn Turkish icon a la Fender Rhodes. So, don't go for the big money, and take Germany 2-0.
Russia vs. Spain
Last time these two played, it was the first Group D match and Spain blasted them 4-1. But the Rooskies are a changed squad. Andrei Arshavin is weaving through defenses like an elderly woman through an afghan, and has potential to become the biggest Russian transfer after the tournament with Arsene Wenger looking to bring him into Emirates for the Gunners next year. Spain hit a rough patch in their offensive destructive path against the Italians, but they had to deal with Buffon waiting for their shots. Igor Akinfeev, who started and won the UEFA Cup Final at the age of 19 with CSKA Moscow, is playing pretty hot right now and will be a great test to Villa and the rest of the Spanish attack, and Casillas will turn out to be the toughest test for the Russians so far with his adroit saves of those two Italian penalties (they would have been in this game had Gattuso and Pirlo not had yellow suspensions). In the end, I just don't think Akinfeev is Lev Yashin, so the Spanish advance with a 2-1 decision.
I have a couple of questions for Marco Van Basten:
-What happened to Kuyt at halftime? Could you wait until someone breaks the tie to put in Van Persie?
-Why did you put in Heitinga for Boulahrouz? That lost the match with his terrible marking of Pavluchenko on that first goal and just general terrible-ness.
That is it. Can't wait for these semifinals, and the NBA DRAFT IS ON THURSDAY. My open letter to Donte Greene will be released Thursday afternoon, and he probably won't like it.
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