THE LEVIES BROKE, IT'S BEEF MOE TIME AT APPELBEEZ.
Jan 9, 2011
Jan 8, 2011
Knick Maintenence
I cant wait to tell my kids one day about the 06-07 Clippers. Wait , I mean the 08-09 Hornets, no no I'm sorry I meant the 10-11 Bucks. Now there are perhaps five or six people on this planet that can tell you anything about any one of those squads of The Association (Dubroff being one of them), however each of them offers a lesson for this edition of the New York Knicks.
The Garden right now is pandemonium. Amare has been beyond great playing with enthusiasm and fire we haven't seen of him in at least four years. Wilson (potato salad) Chandler has put together a classic contract year (guaranteeing he gets overpaid by roughly 3 billion dollars in the off season). More importantly New York is buzzing to the point that you can barely go ten feet in the city without seeing the blue and orange jersey, including when I saw a 65 year old woman wearing an Amare jersey dress. Yes life is good in Knickland. Careful now, careful.
All of the teams mentioned above have one thing in common, they had seasons ranging from mediocre to dreadful the season after they had breakout campaigns. All three of those teams the year before took advantage of soft early schedules to build confidence , all three had an emerging alpha dog playing at historic levels, and all three left their rosters virtually the same going into the next season. The Clippers and Hornets each had very impressive round 1 playoff victories in those previous seasons, and took better teams to the brink in round 2 before falling (the Bucks did this except they lost in round 1 after their best player Bogut went down with an injury). The Bucks Clippers and Hornets all had tremendous promise going into the next season only to disappoint.
As excited as I am as a Knick fan about this season, I fear that next years Knicks could await a similar fate as the aforementioned teams. This years Knicks will more than likely win a round 1 series, and will probably lose a hard fought series to a high seed. Thats where I want to hit the pause button and give the Knicks a game plan on how to avoid the classic let down season in 11-12, and build a title contender. My non-expert, biased opinion should be flawless.
Step 1: SELL HIGH ON FELTON...GO FOR CP3 AFTER NEXT SEASON
Raymond Felton has been superb for the Knicks this year BUT-Does anybody honestly think you can win a title with Raymond Felton as your point guard and number two scoring option unless your team is playing a regional final at the Carrier Dome and it's award for the top player in the finals is called the M.O.P. Maybe it's because I can't imagine looking at his lack of a neck for the next five years, or maybe it's because well, at the end of the day he's Raymond Felton, but he will never be more valuable than he is right now. I say that you include Felton in a package for a player that will be involved in the long term plans of the Knicks. As a matter of fact, are you telling me that the Hornets wouldn't jump on a deal of something along the lines of Felton, Wilson Chandler and Anthony Randolph for Chris Paul. The Hornets know that he is bolting in another season, and this deal makes a ton of sense for both teams.
The very thought of CP3 and Amare teaming up in New York gave me a nocturnal emission last night. If Chris Paul can make David (Johnny) Qwest and Tyson Chandler dominant pick and pop/alley-oop partners, than can you even begin to imagine what Paul could do with Stat. Another season of recovery from knee surgery should put Paul back where he was two years ago and then some. People seem to forget how much the rest of the Hornets have actually sucked these past few years while Paul has dragged their sorry corpses to respectability. Getting Paul either in that scenario or via Free Agency is a no brainer, over keeping the red hot Felton, and no this has nothing to do with me owning Paul in a keeper league and dreaming of teaming him with D`Antoni and Amare.
STEP 2: KEEP CARMELO FOCUSED ON THE GARDEN
If I were Donny Walsh, everyday I would have my editors at the garden edit a tape where they show a great moment at the Garden (LJ's four point play), and splice the tape so at the end of the clip it flashes to a Nets game at the IZOD center with Kris Humphries missing a 12 footer in front of 3000 people. Promise Melo the world, and get his juices flowing by making it impossible for him to want to sign off on a trade with the Nets. Despite all of the rumors the Knicks seem to still be the front runners for the Knicks, and he will play for them by no later than next season.
STEP 3: TRADE ALL THE OTHER GUNNERS
A team that features CP3, Melo and Amare is such an unreal combination of offense that compliments each other that I just slapped my cat in her teeth in excitement. This means two things however. One is that there wont be many more shots to go around, and two...wow that is a terrible defensive team (particularly in the front court). Since there aren't many shots to go around, why not trade shoot first assets like Gallinari and Chandler for defensive minded swing men who can hit open threes. Players like Corey Brewer, Martell Webster, or Shannon Brown would all be perfect, and it would give them another stopper with size to pit with Paul. So the next logical step would be...
STEP 4: SIGN A DEFENSIVE CENTER
My final dream scenario includes signing Old Greg Oden to a one year deal, and asking him to rebound, block shots, and keep his crusty draws on. I think it's become pretty clear that Portland's medical staff is made up of a bag lady, Ruben Patterson, a kitten wearing a doctors coat, and a bag of chips. Obviously Oden will never live up to being the number one pick in a draft where Durant went number two, but he's still in his early 20's. Perhaps anothe set of team doctors can get him back to health. If Oden is even 70% of the player that we thought he would be after the injuries, than he would fit perfectly wiht the Knicks. A starting five that includes Chris Paul, Shannon Brown, Melo, Amare, and Oden is a team that compliments each other perfectly. For now, all we can do is sit back and hope the 11-12 Knicks give us more to cheer for than the 06-07 Clippers.
The Garden right now is pandemonium. Amare has been beyond great playing with enthusiasm and fire we haven't seen of him in at least four years. Wilson (potato salad) Chandler has put together a classic contract year (guaranteeing he gets overpaid by roughly 3 billion dollars in the off season). More importantly New York is buzzing to the point that you can barely go ten feet in the city without seeing the blue and orange jersey, including when I saw a 65 year old woman wearing an Amare jersey dress. Yes life is good in Knickland. Careful now, careful.
All of the teams mentioned above have one thing in common, they had seasons ranging from mediocre to dreadful the season after they had breakout campaigns. All three of those teams the year before took advantage of soft early schedules to build confidence , all three had an emerging alpha dog playing at historic levels, and all three left their rosters virtually the same going into the next season. The Clippers and Hornets each had very impressive round 1 playoff victories in those previous seasons, and took better teams to the brink in round 2 before falling (the Bucks did this except they lost in round 1 after their best player Bogut went down with an injury). The Bucks Clippers and Hornets all had tremendous promise going into the next season only to disappoint.
As excited as I am as a Knick fan about this season, I fear that next years Knicks could await a similar fate as the aforementioned teams. This years Knicks will more than likely win a round 1 series, and will probably lose a hard fought series to a high seed. Thats where I want to hit the pause button and give the Knicks a game plan on how to avoid the classic let down season in 11-12, and build a title contender. My non-expert, biased opinion should be flawless.
Step 1: SELL HIGH ON FELTON...GO FOR CP3 AFTER NEXT SEASON
Raymond Felton has been superb for the Knicks this year BUT-Does anybody honestly think you can win a title with Raymond Felton as your point guard and number two scoring option unless your team is playing a regional final at the Carrier Dome and it's award for the top player in the finals is called the M.O.P. Maybe it's because I can't imagine looking at his lack of a neck for the next five years, or maybe it's because well, at the end of the day he's Raymond Felton, but he will never be more valuable than he is right now. I say that you include Felton in a package for a player that will be involved in the long term plans of the Knicks. As a matter of fact, are you telling me that the Hornets wouldn't jump on a deal of something along the lines of Felton, Wilson Chandler and Anthony Randolph for Chris Paul. The Hornets know that he is bolting in another season, and this deal makes a ton of sense for both teams.
The very thought of CP3 and Amare teaming up in New York gave me a nocturnal emission last night. If Chris Paul can make David (Johnny) Qwest and Tyson Chandler dominant pick and pop/alley-oop partners, than can you even begin to imagine what Paul could do with Stat. Another season of recovery from knee surgery should put Paul back where he was two years ago and then some. People seem to forget how much the rest of the Hornets have actually sucked these past few years while Paul has dragged their sorry corpses to respectability. Getting Paul either in that scenario or via Free Agency is a no brainer, over keeping the red hot Felton, and no this has nothing to do with me owning Paul in a keeper league and dreaming of teaming him with D`Antoni and Amare.
STEP 2: KEEP CARMELO FOCUSED ON THE GARDEN
If I were Donny Walsh, everyday I would have my editors at the garden edit a tape where they show a great moment at the Garden (LJ's four point play), and splice the tape so at the end of the clip it flashes to a Nets game at the IZOD center with Kris Humphries missing a 12 footer in front of 3000 people. Promise Melo the world, and get his juices flowing by making it impossible for him to want to sign off on a trade with the Nets. Despite all of the rumors the Knicks seem to still be the front runners for the Knicks, and he will play for them by no later than next season.
STEP 3: TRADE ALL THE OTHER GUNNERS
A team that features CP3, Melo and Amare is such an unreal combination of offense that compliments each other that I just slapped my cat in her teeth in excitement. This means two things however. One is that there wont be many more shots to go around, and two...wow that is a terrible defensive team (particularly in the front court). Since there aren't many shots to go around, why not trade shoot first assets like Gallinari and Chandler for defensive minded swing men who can hit open threes. Players like Corey Brewer, Martell Webster, or Shannon Brown would all be perfect, and it would give them another stopper with size to pit with Paul. So the next logical step would be...
STEP 4: SIGN A DEFENSIVE CENTER
My final dream scenario includes signing Old Greg Oden to a one year deal, and asking him to rebound, block shots, and keep his crusty draws on. I think it's become pretty clear that Portland's medical staff is made up of a bag lady, Ruben Patterson, a kitten wearing a doctors coat, and a bag of chips. Obviously Oden will never live up to being the number one pick in a draft where Durant went number two, but he's still in his early 20's. Perhaps anothe set of team doctors can get him back to health. If Oden is even 70% of the player that we thought he would be after the injuries, than he would fit perfectly wiht the Knicks. A starting five that includes Chris Paul, Shannon Brown, Melo, Amare, and Oden is a team that compliments each other perfectly. For now, all we can do is sit back and hope the 11-12 Knicks give us more to cheer for than the 06-07 Clippers.
How is Sepp Blatter still the President of FIFA?
Sepp Blatter's delusions about the World Cup are very strange. Delusions of success in sports seem to be common this week, as seen with Georgetown's efforts to keep Syracuse fans from the game in DC on February 9th. But Blatter is operating with billions of dollars in play in what is financially the most dominant sport in the world. And with Qatar being the first country in the Middle East to host the World Cup in 2022, Blatter is beginning to look foolish with his declarations of future success. They come out looking defensive about what could be a foolish decision by FIFA to give Qatar the tournament. And the specter of this decision looms large with the coming presidential election.
The first place Blatter ran into issues was with the LGBT community. Blatter advised anyone who preferred their own sex to not consumate that relationship during the 2022 World Cup. While FIFA may not have the power to influence domestic politics of their hosts, to explicitly say this at a press conference is disgusting. Of course there were condemnations from the LGBT community, Blatter apologized. But the status quo will not change, that is a guarantee.
Where FIFA could take a major financial hit when the tournament does roll around will be from the club teams. While planning this World Cup, Blatter and FIFA forgot about the desert conditions of Qatar: average temperatures are 120°F during the summer, and players usually are not game for those conditions. Interestingly enough, in the UAE, league matches during Ramadan, which began in August this year, were played after sunset, when temperatures are significantly lower. Could this be the solution that Blatter chooses? Hells no! Instead, he is proposing a winter World Cup. This will go directly against the club season, which runs from late August to May (June if you get deep in Champions League.). Never has a tournament cut into a regular season and been healthy, with the exception of last year's Olympic hockey final, which sealed Sidney Crosby as a superstar and but still didn't help NHL ratings.
How does Blatter expect to get teams on board for this? As Arsene Wenger put it in the New York Times article, you would need "a complete reorganization of the world's fixtures," which he deems a nearly impossible task. While a January tournament may make things easier for players who won't be exhausted by a full season in up to three competitions, one group is not being taken into account: the clubs. The clubs are the major stakeholders on the players. Clubs get paid by the countries for the rights to their players time during the summer for tournaments and during the winter for qualifying matches. What makes Blatter think that teams will take that small percentage and be forced to lose revenue from that time? Bayern already got pissed off about Arjen Robben's injury that he suffered before the World Cup where he took a star turn for the Dutch, keeping him out for two months to start the season. And these clubs are major stakeholders in FIFA's success. Look at this list in Forbes. Four teams are currently valued over $1 billion. Do you think they're going to give up that easily on taking a break in the middle of the season. One of them, Arsenal, has been cruelly mocked by the injury bug of late, and it has kept them from competition for any trophies with so many stars out in the past few seasons.
Football fans are lucky there is more than a decade before this tournament commences. Otherwise, we may have the disaster that many foresaw in South Africa that never happened. I think this one will pan out, but it will probably be without Blatter at the helm of FIFA. Unless the corruption is real, there is no way he is reelected.
The first place Blatter ran into issues was with the LGBT community. Blatter advised anyone who preferred their own sex to not consumate that relationship during the 2022 World Cup. While FIFA may not have the power to influence domestic politics of their hosts, to explicitly say this at a press conference is disgusting. Of course there were condemnations from the LGBT community, Blatter apologized. But the status quo will not change, that is a guarantee.
Where FIFA could take a major financial hit when the tournament does roll around will be from the club teams. While planning this World Cup, Blatter and FIFA forgot about the desert conditions of Qatar: average temperatures are 120°F during the summer, and players usually are not game for those conditions. Interestingly enough, in the UAE, league matches during Ramadan, which began in August this year, were played after sunset, when temperatures are significantly lower. Could this be the solution that Blatter chooses? Hells no! Instead, he is proposing a winter World Cup. This will go directly against the club season, which runs from late August to May (June if you get deep in Champions League.). Never has a tournament cut into a regular season and been healthy, with the exception of last year's Olympic hockey final, which sealed Sidney Crosby as a superstar and but still didn't help NHL ratings.
How does Blatter expect to get teams on board for this? As Arsene Wenger put it in the New York Times article, you would need "a complete reorganization of the world's fixtures," which he deems a nearly impossible task. While a January tournament may make things easier for players who won't be exhausted by a full season in up to three competitions, one group is not being taken into account: the clubs. The clubs are the major stakeholders on the players. Clubs get paid by the countries for the rights to their players time during the summer for tournaments and during the winter for qualifying matches. What makes Blatter think that teams will take that small percentage and be forced to lose revenue from that time? Bayern already got pissed off about Arjen Robben's injury that he suffered before the World Cup where he took a star turn for the Dutch, keeping him out for two months to start the season. And these clubs are major stakeholders in FIFA's success. Look at this list in Forbes. Four teams are currently valued over $1 billion. Do you think they're going to give up that easily on taking a break in the middle of the season. One of them, Arsenal, has been cruelly mocked by the injury bug of late, and it has kept them from competition for any trophies with so many stars out in the past few seasons.
Football fans are lucky there is more than a decade before this tournament commences. Otherwise, we may have the disaster that many foresaw in South Africa that never happened. I think this one will pan out, but it will probably be without Blatter at the helm of FIFA. Unless the corruption is real, there is no way he is reelected.
Jan 7, 2011
To John Calipari, That Toilet Overflowing with Shit is also an Amateur
Kentucky's road to a national title will already be sticky enough with having to deal with Tennessee in the SEC East as well as being extremely dependent on the freshmen Terrence Jones, Brandin Knight (cannot be happier that he spurned Syracuse), and Doron Lamb (surprisingly not Israeli). How could things get worse? Well, Enes Kanter can never be an amateur again. Ever. In the eyes of the NCAA, whose standards may not be the highest for amateurism since they pocket billions off of these so-called amateurs. (Ed O'Bannon and every guy whose pro career didn't pan out the same as their college career agrees)
But Calipari's standards could be considered lower. For one thing Calipari may have gone to the Final Four with UMass and Memphis in 1996 and 2008, respectively, but NCAA history books don't remember it that way. The two players who carried each of his teams through those tournaments, Marcus Camby and Derrick Rose, each were found to have been ineligible ex tempore, as Camby had been in contact with an agent and Rose's SAT scores were invalidated by the ETS. Of course, Calipari being the stand-up man he is, was well on his way to Kentucky by the time anyone drew a whiff of his shit-smelling test of character, so what would he care. It remains to be seen how Calipari reacts when the tarp on one of his shit sculptures at Kentucky blows over before its completion. May I suggest a stint coaching in the Philippines? I'm getting sick of the oily hair that personifies you way better than any of your bullshit PR efforts.
But Calipari's standards could be considered lower. For one thing Calipari may have gone to the Final Four with UMass and Memphis in 1996 and 2008, respectively, but NCAA history books don't remember it that way. The two players who carried each of his teams through those tournaments, Marcus Camby and Derrick Rose, each were found to have been ineligible ex tempore, as Camby had been in contact with an agent and Rose's SAT scores were invalidated by the ETS. Of course, Calipari being the stand-up man he is, was well on his way to Kentucky by the time anyone drew a whiff of his shit-smelling test of character, so what would he care. It remains to be seen how Calipari reacts when the tarp on one of his shit sculptures at Kentucky blows over before its completion. May I suggest a stint coaching in the Philippines? I'm getting sick of the oily hair that personifies you way better than any of your bullshit PR efforts.
Jan 6, 2011
A New Day
These last few years while all of you kiddies have been playing with yourselves in the sandbox, something big was happening. I'm talking real big...Lopedito mug shot big, O.J Mayo Tony Allen big, Beeb growing pubic hair big.
Everyone's favorite under-achiever that hails from Fayetteville-Steve DePaulis-has suddenly become a semi regular contributor to society. Yes, in the last four years my brain has slowly developed to the point that my best attribute is no longer how hard I can make kids laugh on the late bus. I like do stuff now. I even have a job, a wife, and a cat (which I occasionally throw into a freezing cold shower if he pisses me off). Keeping that in mind I have made a rather large life decision.
I have always felt that along with McKeever, Dubroff and the rest of the gang that we have an unparalleled understanding and perspective of sports. Over the years I have always enjoyed from afar the antics and analysis that the Buzzer has had to offer. That is why I have decided to start what I hope to be a weekly column here on the Buzzer. I have a wealth of knowledge for all sports, but particularly for basketball and baseball, as well as fantasy sports, so more than likely that's what my columns will focus on. I hope to bring the perspective of a hard core NBA fan, and someone who has quite a number of black friends. I hope everyone will enjoy my first NBA column that should debut at some point this week. I look forward to being the straw that makes the ship go...BLASTOFF!
Everyone's favorite under-achiever that hails from Fayetteville-Steve DePaulis-has suddenly become a semi regular contributor to society. Yes, in the last four years my brain has slowly developed to the point that my best attribute is no longer how hard I can make kids laugh on the late bus. I like do stuff now. I even have a job, a wife, and a cat (which I occasionally throw into a freezing cold shower if he pisses me off). Keeping that in mind I have made a rather large life decision.
I have always felt that along with McKeever, Dubroff and the rest of the gang that we have an unparalleled understanding and perspective of sports. Over the years I have always enjoyed from afar the antics and analysis that the Buzzer has had to offer. That is why I have decided to start what I hope to be a weekly column here on the Buzzer. I have a wealth of knowledge for all sports, but particularly for basketball and baseball, as well as fantasy sports, so more than likely that's what my columns will focus on. I hope to bring the perspective of a hard core NBA fan, and someone who has quite a number of black friends. I hope everyone will enjoy my first NBA column that should debut at some point this week. I look forward to being the straw that makes the ship go...BLASTOFF!
The Question of Inspectah Deck
Recently I've been on a huge Wu-Tang kick, possibly inspired by Kanye's bastardization of "Ain't Nuthin' ta Fuck Wit'" into a Justin Bieber remix, which Raekwon kills, but seriously? This is your tribute to the legacy of Wu-Tang that you praise so much via Twitter? But Kanye does redeem his Shaolin celebration with RZA's confusing cameo on "I'm So Appalled" (Are there "thirty" white bitches or are there "dirty" white bitches?) and Rae's vivid verse on "Gorgeous." (Buy the album here, if you want to.)
But one thing I noticed while listening to 36 Chambers (a top 5 album of all time) is that one person who one doesn't expect to stick out does: Inspectah Deck. Deck is the first MC you hear on "Protect Ya Neck," and he absolutely KILLS it (The rest of the Clan is pretty damn good too). His verses on "Bring Da Ruckus" and "C.R.E.A.M." and "7th Chamber" make solid verses by Ghost, GZA, and Raekwon seem normal. His introduction verse on "Triumph" is full of the vivid imagery one would think could lead to a solo career that could rival his fellow Clan members. So I wonder: Where is his Liquid Swords? Da Rockwilder (It's Method Man's album, let's be real hear)? Cuban Linx? Supreme Clientele, Fishscale? Even Bobby Digital gave RZA a chance to shine. Deck put in work on "Above the Clouds" with Gang Starr, but he was, alas, overshadowed by a simple Guru verse that works perfectly with an amazing production job from Premier.
The question I am posing is: which athlete has had a comparable career to Inspectah Deck?
Hedo Turkoglu
Hedo was famously mocked as a benchwarmer on the glorious Sacramento Kings of the early '00's by Guy Torry. He then spent one season in service to the team-first Almight Pop-Pop in San Antonio. But once he was set free to Orlando, he blossomed, helping turn LeBron into the foolish prick he is today and having one of the best playoff runs from a role player in a long time. But after that? Hedo listened to his wife and spurned a chance to solidify the Trail Blazers as a title contender to choose the larger Turkish community in Toronto. Frankly, he sucked, and the only highlight was this:
Not exactly the best highlights to have. A trade to Phoenix before this season wasn't much better, as he was exposed as a man who had no idea how to defend anyone in the post. And now he is back in Orlando and loving every minute of it. While his first game with them was a loss to the (at-the-time) streaking Mavericks. But since, the balanced Magic have put up seven straight wins (including a triple-double against the Warriors), with Hedo's numbers not the best of his career but still better than the eggs he laid in Phoenix and Toronto.
Christian Laettner
What has he done without Krzyzewski? Absolutely nothing. Even surrounded by talent on Dream Team I he could only warm the bench. Laettner and the other early '90's Dukies who did get to the NBA (outside of Grant Hill) were absolutely worthless pros and could probably be their own entry in this list. Their team-first attitudes weren't valuable in any way. It took Danny Ferry years to look close to competent, and when he parlayed it into a GM job with the Cavs, he fucked that up royally as well.
Matt Leinart
Obligatory
I think Leinart may actually be the best example of this since he didn't go to Duke (literally, he didn't, but did he go to the closest thing to what Coach K dreams Duke football to be in his nightmares? Absolutely). Leinart was an amazing quarterback at USC, and it's no wonder people were shocked when he fell to #10 in that fateful 2006 draft. But now we see why. Friends with the lead singer of 98 Degreez? Stupid, prideful move. Becoming the closest thing to a checkdown king we've seen before Trent Edwards became the starter in Buffalo? Pretty impressive. Straight up not taking anything from Ken Whisenhunt or other members of the Cardinals coaching staff? That's how you get cut. Leinart thrived in Pete Carroll's "roll with the gifts" regime that allowed him to ballroom dance his way to a diploma, but that laid back attitude (and obvious recruiting/talent advantage) doesn't work like that in the NFL.
Notah Begay III
Dude was a sick golfer in college when he and Tiger Woods were teammates. At Stanford, he was a 3x All-American. But once he got to the PGA and started to compete against Tiger, things turned sour. His second DUI arrest consisted of him hitting a parked car. His best finish in a Major was 8th at the PGA Championship in 2000, and he never cracked the top 10 of one again. Quite a bit of pressure when Tiger is the dude you see at your college reunions. Well, not so much anymore.
From these examples, one can conclude that one thing easily gets in the way of making this a perfect analogy: ego. The analogy works best with athletes competing in individual sports, since colleges and high schools have created a team sport of them that isn't preparing them to be the individual stars that training at earlier levels does. In tema sports, some players feel that they have to be #1 to show that it wasn't all some other dude putting the team on his back. I just don't think Deck works like that. He has to have some involvement in the solo game, but I'm not sure if his head is in it the same way the rest of the Clan is.
Notah Begay III
Dude was a sick golfer in college when he and Tiger Woods were teammates. At Stanford, he was a 3x All-American. But once he got to the PGA and started to compete against Tiger, things turned sour. His second DUI arrest consisted of him hitting a parked car. His best finish in a Major was 8th at the PGA Championship in 2000, and he never cracked the top 10 of one again. Quite a bit of pressure when Tiger is the dude you see at your college reunions. Well, not so much anymore.
From these examples, one can conclude that one thing easily gets in the way of making this a perfect analogy: ego. The analogy works best with athletes competing in individual sports, since colleges and high schools have created a team sport of them that isn't preparing them to be the individual stars that training at earlier levels does. In tema sports, some players feel that they have to be #1 to show that it wasn't all some other dude putting the team on his back. I just don't think Deck works like that. He has to have some involvement in the solo game, but I'm not sure if his head is in it the same way the rest of the Clan is.
Jan 5, 2011
King of the Rats
I didn't always think the King of the Rats' crown would be a discolored white headband, but it definitely works. Probably from all of the rat poop. I did know he'd have a beard though.
h/t WarmingGlow
Jan 4, 2011
Georgetown=Ivory Coast
Daddy said I COULD HAVE THE WHOLE SLEEVE OF OREOS!
I know this analogy is pretty outlandish, but bear with me here. In the Ivory Coast, outgoing president (well, president who lost the election) Laurent Gbagbo refuses to relinquish power to the rightful winner, Alassane Ouatarra, even blockading the road to his hotel so he can stay in the presidential palace. After stalling through five years of ineffective and downright crappy rule, he continues to stall the country's politics from moving forward. This is has led to appeals from national team captain and the undisputed best Ivorian footballer of all time, Didier Drogba, to ask both sides to stop the violence that has claimed hundreds of lives. Gbagbo can't accept these results for obvious reasons: he likes power.
And so do the Georgetown Hoyas. They love having a home court advantage in DC at the Verizon Center, which is also the home of the Washington Wizards (who really suck at using that home court advantage). And they will go to any measure to hold onto it, even when the 'Cuse rolls into town. So what's the best way to do that? Blockade Orange fans from buying tickets to the game and restricting purchases to Georgetown students and alumni. For only this game. One can overcome this barrier by donating $25 per purchase, all so Madeleine Albright can make it rain at the clubs. This is probably due to the 'Cuse alumni presence, but how vain can you be? Any other team coming to visit the Hoyas have a chance to bring a crowd with them. And with Georgetown's recent two-game slide at the hands of the Johnnies and Notre Dame, for whom Rick Jackson delayed Thanksgiving so he could give them 6 stuffings (one of them was Indian style and reminded me of Vindaloo), they need all the home court they can get, especially because Kris Joseph thinks it could get rowdy (around 8:15).
Georgetown's downfall will be its delusions, and it gets no more delusional than trying to shut out everyone who isn't a yes man. Take it down a notch, and stop making 'Cuse fans donate money to your already loaded school so they can enjoy seeing your team get whooped near home in front of Obama.
Dec 25, 2010
LeBron James: A Reputation in Shambles
Merry Christmas, everyone (it's Christmas, gotta say that over Happy Holidays), and thank heavens for the NBA's five-game slate today, because the NFL is too stupid to have a game today. Remember, the NFL can schedule a game whenever they want to and someone would watch it. It happened Thursday, it will happen when the Yankees or the Red Sox play the Phillies in the World Series in October 2011, it would probably be the biggest ratings boom in the middle of July. But I digress.
The reason I decided to get back on this soapbox is LeBron. Oh, how I loathe that narcissistic turd, but there is something behind this whole contraction opinion he recently shared with the media. Look more closlier:
And other teams are not exactly struggling with less than three superstars. The Knicks are holding their own against the League with only Amar'e having made any All-Star appearances, but Gallinari and Felton could find themselves in the mix for the Mid-Winter Classic. Orlando looks to be in the hunt with the shells of former superstars Agent Zero and VC joining the supporting cast of Dwight Howard.
If LeBron wants to scapegoat the rest of the League for being unwilling to shell out for three max contracts, the guise of contraction is not one he should don. Things were great because of great teams in the '80's, not friends who decided to band together to destroy the system. If only every player had this option. Sorry everyone can't band together to rely on others' talents like you.
The reason I decided to get back on this soapbox is LeBron. Oh, how I loathe that narcissistic turd, but there is something behind this whole contraction opinion he recently shared with the media. Look more closlier:
"Hopefully the league can figure out one way where it can go back to the '80s where you had three or four All-Stars, three or four superstars, three or four Hall of Famers on the same team," James said. "The league was great. It wasn't as watered down as it is [now]."I hope I'm not the only one that is reading into this at length, but think about it: LeBron wants there to be three or four superstars on every team. Now, I know there is definitely one team in the NBA that arguably has to deal with that situation, and that is the Heat. The Celtics are the only other team to fall under this classification, as Pierce, Allen, and KG continue to maintain such a high level of play. The Lakers have maybe three if you count Odom with Kobe and Gasol, but seriously, LeBron arranged to sign with two other superstars in Miami and now he's complaining that the league is watered down. Look at the team he left: Cleveland is watered down because LeBron isn't there, and they're probably headed to the top of the lottery this year because there's no incentive to play there anymore outside of a decent contract offer.
And other teams are not exactly struggling with less than three superstars. The Knicks are holding their own against the League with only Amar'e having made any All-Star appearances, but Gallinari and Felton could find themselves in the mix for the Mid-Winter Classic. Orlando looks to be in the hunt with the shells of former superstars Agent Zero and VC joining the supporting cast of Dwight Howard.
If LeBron wants to scapegoat the rest of the League for being unwilling to shell out for three max contracts, the guise of contraction is not one he should don. Things were great because of great teams in the '80's, not friends who decided to band together to destroy the system. If only every player had this option. Sorry everyone can't band together to rely on others' talents like you.
Jul 12, 2010
A Glimmer of Hope
Now that Miami is stacked and Jon Scheyer hopes to contribute some Dukie hate-fuel to the fire, Carmelo Anthony's wedding to LaLa Vasquez finally has given the NBA some sort of hope. When Chris Paul is toasting to another Big 3 in New York, I am all ears.
I only have one issue: would the Knicks have to give up as much in order to get these three together? The Knicks have 12 spots filled for next season if second-round picks Andy Rautins, Jerome Jordan, and Landry Fields all make the team and Eddy Curry spends this season the way he spent the last one minus the tragedy and the sexual harassment lawsuit from his chaffeur.
So what else can this team do to get better? Gallinari should be untouchable for next year with the progress he showed. Acquiring Anthony Randolph could easily be spoiled by trading him away to get either Melo or CP3. Randolph could be a great player to include in the lineup. Could you imagine Felton running the point, whoever at the 2, Melo at the 3, Randolph at the 4, and Amare at the 5? Gallinari, Toney Douglas, Wilson Chandler, Kelenna Azubuike, and Ronny Turiaf could be an amazing second unit, on the level that the Suns had this past year, and don't forget about those three draft picks, one of which will likely be cut. I'd put my money on Landry Fields just because there aren't any shooters outside Gallinari (Rautins fills that need) and Jordan could turn into a serviceable big man. The Knicks could make these moves this summer and end up being a contender next year, as well as being an option for the part of America who doesn't want to see this Heat team win.
But there is something huge in the way: future draft picks. Curry turned into LaMarcus Aldridge for the Bulls, who then traded him to Portland for Tyrus Thomas. He also turned into Joakim Noah, who had a solid year and looks like he will be an All-Star this season. Donnie Walsh may have been discussing Isiah as a candidate for GM in New York (WHICH IS THE DUMBEST THING EVER WITH KEVIN PRITCHARD UNEMPLOYED), but he'll lock down the draft picks no matter what Isiah thinks is a sure thing. The Knicks need to be able to bring in first-round talent to regain the trust of the New York fans. Amar'e is a great first step, but the franchise needs to show it can nurture pros and not turn them into the mindless idiots Isiah molded for five terrible years at the helm in New York.
It is a long way away, but I think this team has a chance to become a contender and make basketball matter again at MSG. Even on nights when the Lakers or the Heat aren't in town.
I only have one issue: would the Knicks have to give up as much in order to get these three together? The Knicks have 12 spots filled for next season if second-round picks Andy Rautins, Jerome Jordan, and Landry Fields all make the team and Eddy Curry spends this season the way he spent the last one minus the tragedy and the sexual harassment lawsuit from his chaffeur.
So what else can this team do to get better? Gallinari should be untouchable for next year with the progress he showed. Acquiring Anthony Randolph could easily be spoiled by trading him away to get either Melo or CP3. Randolph could be a great player to include in the lineup. Could you imagine Felton running the point, whoever at the 2, Melo at the 3, Randolph at the 4, and Amare at the 5? Gallinari, Toney Douglas, Wilson Chandler, Kelenna Azubuike, and Ronny Turiaf could be an amazing second unit, on the level that the Suns had this past year, and don't forget about those three draft picks, one of which will likely be cut. I'd put my money on Landry Fields just because there aren't any shooters outside Gallinari (Rautins fills that need) and Jordan could turn into a serviceable big man. The Knicks could make these moves this summer and end up being a contender next year, as well as being an option for the part of America who doesn't want to see this Heat team win.
But there is something huge in the way: future draft picks. Curry turned into LaMarcus Aldridge for the Bulls, who then traded him to Portland for Tyrus Thomas. He also turned into Joakim Noah, who had a solid year and looks like he will be an All-Star this season. Donnie Walsh may have been discussing Isiah as a candidate for GM in New York (WHICH IS THE DUMBEST THING EVER WITH KEVIN PRITCHARD UNEMPLOYED), but he'll lock down the draft picks no matter what Isiah thinks is a sure thing. The Knicks need to be able to bring in first-round talent to regain the trust of the New York fans. Amar'e is a great first step, but the franchise needs to show it can nurture pros and not turn them into the mindless idiots Isiah molded for five terrible years at the helm in New York.
It is a long way away, but I think this team has a chance to become a contender and make basketball matter again at MSG. Even on nights when the Lakers or the Heat aren't in town.
Jul 8, 2010
LeBron James can never be in consideration for best player of all time.
A few things about the presentation of this decision that was the obvious product of focus groups that proved Cleveland easily discomforts people.
First off, Bing. Why would anyone use Bing now? That has to look like the crappiest place to plug such a crappy site. He'll end up like that Mexican landowner and lose his wife and mistress to somebody like Kirk Hinrich. That hypothetical situation is of course the inspiration for the above Microsoft Paint job. I probably could have found a better moustache, but this shit just makes me happy. Anyways, guess where I found the above picture pre-terrible editing? You guessed it, Alta Vista...yeah, it was Google.
And why Jim Gray for these sensitive situations? Are we still forgetting when Jim Gray made an ass of himself in asking Pete Rose at the 1999 All-Star Game. Let us revisit:
How fun is that? He doesn't want to talk about it, his CAREER IS BEING CELEBRATED!!!! But sure let's just KEEP ASKING HIM. Jim Gray, the most illogical choice for interviewer since...ever. I also like when Rose accidentally says he is getting "a great Asian" from the crowd.
I hope that LeBron reconsiders making his off-season home in Ohio. He did bring some great years to the Cavs, but Craig Ehlo and Brad Daugherty did too. He may have made his name for himself as the best high school player ever, but who cares? It means nothing when you get to the NBA. Remember DeAngelo Collins? Not sure where he was watching this, but I'm betting it wasn't in a McMansion. LeBron is just another NBA player now. He may be popular, but by no means is he a leader. And I just don't buy that these guys can share the ball and get a title the way the Celtics did in 2008. Wade and LeBron are just too ball dominant, and Bosh was only an All-Star because he repped Canada hard. I just can't stomach this team winning on common sense.
The Clippers could have been his opportunity to showcase himself in a global market and play on a damn competent team where he would be first fiddle, with him at the 3 and surrounded by Baron Davis at the 1, Eric Gordon at the 2, a hopefully healthy Blake Griffin at the 4, and Chris Kaman aka Albino Zombie aka "DEY NO NASSING, LE-BAH-SKEE" at the 5. Alas, one of the other teams in contention for LeBron, the Bulls recently fired the coach the Clippers just chose, Vinny Del Negro, who proved himself to have very little ability last season. Way to fuck up, Donald Sterling. One day, you'll learn to care. Nevermind, that will never happen.
And what of New York? Carmelo could still be available next summer, and Amar'e will be most likely going it alone until then since no one else will be available. Denver hasn't been exactly active this summer in pursuing a big gun. But Melo could be out for vengeance this year, as his Olympic buddies have left him out.
Anthony Randolph will be joining the Knicks as David Lee leaves for The Bay to inflate his stats even more under Don Nelson. This could be time for Randolph to come into his own, just as Chris Webber needed Nellie's yolk removed before he could rise to near MVP heights as he did in the late 1990's.
Anyways, I am finally inspired to hate a team as much as I hated the Spurs whenever the won a title. If you play the Heat this season, I'm cheering for you. LeBron, I hope you never win a title. And that your new stepfather is named Delonte West.
Jul 6, 2010
World Cup Semifinal I
Now that we are this close to the matchups that few expected. (Where is Brazil? A better question: where is the head of that idiot Felipe Melo?) So let us preview your World Cup semifinal that will take place in less than an hour.
Uruguay vs. Netherlands
This was the most unexpected of matchups. Alas, what do you expect from the weakest quarter of the knockout bracket? Ghana's Asamoah Gyan choked in the most major of ways and Luis Suarez now looks like a genius, albeit an idiot of genius. While La Albiceleste lives on, Suarez's extremely purposeful handball keeps him out for the semifinal. He will play another game, but it is very likely to be extremely meaningless if the Netherlands wins. (Even the Dutch can squeeze in a good joke about it) Otherwise, expect Suarez to be the newest of Ajax's asset to be sold off for a gigantic profit for the good of the health of Dutch football.
The Dutch fans of Ajax will thank Suarez with all that money. Their path to the final has been made that much easier as their defense does not have to deal with a striker of skill like Suarez. The Dutch defense had an embarrassing showing on Robinho's opening to the scoring in the quarterfinal, on a pass right through the center. The Uruguayan defense has been excellent of late, but their will will be tested by the numerous attacking options owned by the Dutch. Wesley Sneijder has had a masterful tournament, but Robin van Persie and Dirk Kuyt are poised to break out soon. And don't count out new starter Eljero Elia, who has proven that even with a hot girl behind him, Rafael van der Vaart is pretty damn overrated.
Anyways, I have to take the Oranje to win this one. Uruguay has had an easy run, and this will be the best team they play so far, and it will be without their best finisher.
Uruguay vs. Netherlands
This was the most unexpected of matchups. Alas, what do you expect from the weakest quarter of the knockout bracket? Ghana's Asamoah Gyan choked in the most major of ways and Luis Suarez now looks like a genius, albeit an idiot of genius. While La Albiceleste lives on, Suarez's extremely purposeful handball keeps him out for the semifinal. He will play another game, but it is very likely to be extremely meaningless if the Netherlands wins. (Even the Dutch can squeeze in a good joke about it) Otherwise, expect Suarez to be the newest of Ajax's asset to be sold off for a gigantic profit for the good of the health of Dutch football.
The Dutch fans of Ajax will thank Suarez with all that money. Their path to the final has been made that much easier as their defense does not have to deal with a striker of skill like Suarez. The Dutch defense had an embarrassing showing on Robinho's opening to the scoring in the quarterfinal, on a pass right through the center. The Uruguayan defense has been excellent of late, but their will will be tested by the numerous attacking options owned by the Dutch. Wesley Sneijder has had a masterful tournament, but Robin van Persie and Dirk Kuyt are poised to break out soon. And don't count out new starter Eljero Elia, who has proven that even with a hot girl behind him, Rafael van der Vaart is pretty damn overrated.
Anyways, I have to take the Oranje to win this one. Uruguay has had an easy run, and this will be the best team they play so far, and it will be without their best finisher.
That's Amar'e!
So, Amare and the Knicks have agreed in principle. This after he and D'Antoni rekindled the romance over a candle-lit dinner. And now Amar'e can leave Phoenix to sort of play defense for a team that will lack any sort of stopper for next year (Yes, even if David Lee walks). Whatever, D'Antoni now has firepower, as long as Stoudemire brings that aggression he showed during the playoffs against Pau.
Now, we wonder, what else do the Knicks do with their summer? LeBron is enjoying his skills academy and making sure no one tries to dunk on him by teaming up with CP3 to run shit. Could STAT and LBJ be the dynamic duo that New York needs? Dwyane could do the same. Either way, it would give any of these three players the dynamic duo they have never had during the career (Dwyane and Shaq were together when the decline began, Steve Nash can't play defense, Danny Ferry never got any sort of talented player to play with LeBron in Cleveland). While everyone discusses the possibility of a Triumvirate, things are falling in place to look more like two dynamic duos will emerge from these three plus Bosh, with each wing joining a big man in some city.
But New York could be considering making this rebuilding project last one more season. This will be made difficult by the fact that Carmelo is looking like he will sign an extension to remain in Denver. But this also opens up the possibility of a sign-and-trade. If the Nuggets limp out of the playoffs again next year, will Carmelo demand a trade? He has fostered a bond with the Mile High City, so I doubt he would want to make it public and create a PR nightmare.
The Knicks have other options for next summer that have yet to be locked up. Next summer, for now, will include Tayshaun Prince, Caron Butler, a resurgent Z-Bo, possibly David West, Jason Richardson, and Tony Parker among others. The Knicks could wait and make a play for Butler and Parker if the Spurs don't extend him.
The failure of the Knicks will ultimately come from the lack of young talent being put into the team. The Knicks will finally have a draft pick that may actually stay with the team after Jordan Hill was sent to Houston and they had no pick this year (the Jazz had it and got Gordon Hayward). As they now have their ideal salary numbers, I expect them to not move picks, even if Carmelo is made available.
NBA Free Agency Podcast
The second podcast we did over the weekend. Again, Pappy Chalmers=Simple Jack. That is a given. Joining me are Mckee, Girardi Party, and special guest Steve DePaulis.
Listen to it right here. (Right click and Save Target As to download for your own listening pleasure.)
Music Credits:
Andre Nickatina-"Dice of Life"-Conversations with a Devil
Brother Ali-"Self Taught"-Champion EP
Listen to it right here. (Right click and Save Target As to download for your own listening pleasure.)
Music Credits:
Andre Nickatina-"Dice of Life"-Conversations with a Devil
Brother Ali-"Self Taught"-Champion EP
Jul 5, 2010
INDEPENDENCE, BITCH
So we can beat the shit out of people and RESPECTFULLY LISTEN TO THE SONG, ANUS-BREATH!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Jul 4, 2010
World Cup Podcast
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Manual Buzzer World Cup 2010 podcast. Enjoy me sounding like Simple Jack. The lineup is me, Mckee, and Marthur.
You can access the podcast here. (right-click and Save Target As to download to your iPod or whatever to listen to my retardation on the go)
Music Credits:
Eminem-"Cold Wind Blows"-Recovery
The Roots featuring Dice Raw-"How I Got Over"-How I Got Over
You can access the podcast here. (right-click and Save Target As to download to your iPod or whatever to listen to my retardation on the go)
Music Credits:
Eminem-"Cold Wind Blows"-Recovery
The Roots featuring Dice Raw-"How I Got Over"-How I Got Over
Jun 21, 2010
Group H
Sorry for lateness here, this is the last one, and we will be hitting you soon with 2 Manual Buzzer podcasts. First, we will wrap up the NBA season and look forward to the draft. Then, we will do a wrap of the Group Stage and preview the knockout rounds of the World Cup.
Group H gives the most interesting geopolitical historical storyline of this World Cup: Spain, the favorites, must contend with two former colonies in their group: Honduras and Chile. What will zombie Simon Bolivar have to say about this?
Group H gives the most interesting geopolitical historical storyline of this World Cup: Spain, the favorites, must contend with two former colonies in their group: Honduras and Chile. What will zombie Simon Bolivar have to say about this?
"CEREBROOOOOOOS."
Nevermind. On to the group...
Nevermind. On to the group...
Spain
Nickname: La Furia Roja (The Red Fury)
Abbreviation: ESP
Last World Cup: 2006: Per usual, the Spanish qualified and did amazing in their group (which sucked: Ukraine, Saudi Arabia, and Tunisia), and then they lost to France in the round of 16.
How did they get here?: Qualifying was very easy. They took all 30 possible points.
Manager: Vicente Del Bosque took over for Luis Aragones after the Euro 08 championship campaign. He did well with the Golden Generation of Galacticos at Real Madrid, winning two Champions Leagues and two Liga Primeras. He lucks out by being in a situation where he can sort of just roll the ball out to an amazing team.
Player to watch: Xavi of Barcelona and Xabi Alonso of Real Madrid in central midfield. These two mark each other during El Clasico twice a year, but in national team service their teamwork is key to Spanish victory, as shown in their run to Euro 08. Both players are key to setting up scorers David Villa and Fernando Torres up front as well as helping the defense hold.
Player not to watch: Marcos Senna, Villareal. The Brazilian mercenary (Brazilian mercenaries play soccer instead of fighting for money wherever they can). The holding midfielder will be missed greatly. He was key to the Euro 08 run, making sure the ball stayed out of their opponents' attacking third. Nobody really plays that role on this team.
Prediction: This team looks primed to get beyond the quarterfinals, which a Spanish team has never done. As long as defensive issues are taken care over, book them for the semifinals.
Switzerland
Nickname: Schweizer Nati (Swiss nationals. What a crap name. It should be The Neutrals.)
Abbreviation: SCH
Last World Cup: 2006: The Swiss won their group and then fell in the Round of 16 to Ukraine on penalties, meaning they never actually conceded any goals.
How did they get here?: Group 2 was a bit of a challenge, and included a loss to Luxembourg. But they won the group by 1 point to avoid the playoff
Manager: Ottmar Hitzfield, a German striker who once scored 6 goals in a game for Stuttgart. As a manager, he has been ridiculous, winning one Champions League each at Werder Bremen and Bayern Munich to go along with 7 Bundesligas at the two clubs. Expect some uncharacteristic attacking tactics from the neutrals.
Player to watch: #10, Blaise Nkufo, who plays up front with old standby Alexander Frei and does his club thang with the Seattle Sounders of MLS. He is Congolese, and he was recently transferred from FC Twente, who he helped to their first Eredivisie last year. He managed 114 goals in 223 appearances with the Dutch side and will be looked to for playmaking up front for this team.
Player not to watch: John Djorou, an Ivorian who plays for Arsenal. The big defender was not included in the final Swiss side. He will be for their next World Cup as he will start getting more time at Arsenal after William Gallas is tranferred out this summer.
Prediction: The Swiss need to keep up their defenses if they want to have a chance. They will probably have trouble with the attacks from Honduras and Chile, and this group is a crapshoot after Spain.
Honduras
Nickname: La Bicolor (Their jerseys? TWO COLORS.)
Abbreviation: HON
Last World Cup: 1982: La Bicolor tied Spain and Northern Ireland in their first two games. But a loss to Yugoslavia ended their run in Spain.
How did they get here?: Goal differential got the Hondurans the 3rd CONCACAF automatic spot, leaving Costa Rica to get rocked by the Uruguayans in the playoff with CONMEBOL's fourth place team.
Manager: Reinaldo Rueda, who has been at the helm since 2006, and considering this is their second time in the World Cup, he is considered a success.
Player to watch: Wilson Palacios, who plays midfield for Tottenham Hotspur. Palacios' family is a footballing one, with his brothers Jerry and Johnny playing professionally in China and Honduras, respectively. All three brothers are also on the team. Tragedy did strike their family when their younger brother, Edwin was kidnapped and then killed.
Player not to watch: Julio Cesar de Leon, of Parma, who is on loan to Torino. The attacking midfielder is the key to creating for this team, but he will be out due to a sprained right thigh.
Prediction: de Leon will surely be missed, and his absence will leave them without a birth in the knockout stage.
Chile
Nickname: La Roja (Spanish for...the Roja...kidding, the Red.)
Abbreviation: CHI
Last World Cup: 1998: In France, La Roja made it out of their group with 3 ties due to a great deal of help from the Italians, who beat the other two teams, Austria and Cameroon, who also ties each other. In the round of 16, Chile was easily defeated by Brazil, who were fueled by braces from Ronaldo and Cesar Sampaio.
How did they get here?: A Surprising second-place finish in CONMEBOL, ahead of Paraguay and Argentina.
Manager: Marcelo Bielsa, an Argentine who lead his home country's disastrous showing in 2002, where they fell to England in the group stage and managed to not even get to the knockout stage, the first time the Argentines didn't get past the first round of a World Cup final since 1962.
Player to watch: Alexis Sanchez, aka El Nino Maravillo (The Wonder Boy), is 21 and plays for Udinese in Serie A as a winger/forward, and has proven himself to be very dangerous with the ball at his feet. Could this be his coming out party for the world? We shall see.
Player not to watch: Marcelo Salas, a striker who retired and put in meaningful time in Europe with Lazio and less so with Juventus. The striker's experience will be missed, but...
Prediction: After a powerful qualifying campaing, this group looks poised to surprise the world. I'm looking for them in the second round.
Nickname: La Furia Roja (The Red Fury)
Abbreviation: ESP
Last World Cup: 2006: Per usual, the Spanish qualified and did amazing in their group (which sucked: Ukraine, Saudi Arabia, and Tunisia), and then they lost to France in the round of 16.
How did they get here?: Qualifying was very easy. They took all 30 possible points.
Manager: Vicente Del Bosque took over for Luis Aragones after the Euro 08 championship campaign. He did well with the Golden Generation of Galacticos at Real Madrid, winning two Champions Leagues and two Liga Primeras. He lucks out by being in a situation where he can sort of just roll the ball out to an amazing team.
Player to watch: Xavi of Barcelona and Xabi Alonso of Real Madrid in central midfield. These two mark each other during El Clasico twice a year, but in national team service their teamwork is key to Spanish victory, as shown in their run to Euro 08. Both players are key to setting up scorers David Villa and Fernando Torres up front as well as helping the defense hold.
Player not to watch: Marcos Senna, Villareal. The Brazilian mercenary (Brazilian mercenaries play soccer instead of fighting for money wherever they can). The holding midfielder will be missed greatly. He was key to the Euro 08 run, making sure the ball stayed out of their opponents' attacking third. Nobody really plays that role on this team.
Prediction: This team looks primed to get beyond the quarterfinals, which a Spanish team has never done. As long as defensive issues are taken care over, book them for the semifinals.
Switzerland
Nickname: Schweizer Nati (Swiss nationals. What a crap name. It should be The Neutrals.)
Abbreviation: SCH
Last World Cup: 2006: The Swiss won their group and then fell in the Round of 16 to Ukraine on penalties, meaning they never actually conceded any goals.
How did they get here?: Group 2 was a bit of a challenge, and included a loss to Luxembourg. But they won the group by 1 point to avoid the playoff
Manager: Ottmar Hitzfield, a German striker who once scored 6 goals in a game for Stuttgart. As a manager, he has been ridiculous, winning one Champions League each at Werder Bremen and Bayern Munich to go along with 7 Bundesligas at the two clubs. Expect some uncharacteristic attacking tactics from the neutrals.
Player to watch: #10, Blaise Nkufo, who plays up front with old standby Alexander Frei and does his club thang with the Seattle Sounders of MLS. He is Congolese, and he was recently transferred from FC Twente, who he helped to their first Eredivisie last year. He managed 114 goals in 223 appearances with the Dutch side and will be looked to for playmaking up front for this team.
Player not to watch: John Djorou, an Ivorian who plays for Arsenal. The big defender was not included in the final Swiss side. He will be for their next World Cup as he will start getting more time at Arsenal after William Gallas is tranferred out this summer.
Prediction: The Swiss need to keep up their defenses if they want to have a chance. They will probably have trouble with the attacks from Honduras and Chile, and this group is a crapshoot after Spain.
Honduras
Nickname: La Bicolor (Their jerseys? TWO COLORS.)
Abbreviation: HON
Last World Cup: 1982: La Bicolor tied Spain and Northern Ireland in their first two games. But a loss to Yugoslavia ended their run in Spain.
How did they get here?: Goal differential got the Hondurans the 3rd CONCACAF automatic spot, leaving Costa Rica to get rocked by the Uruguayans in the playoff with CONMEBOL's fourth place team.
Manager: Reinaldo Rueda, who has been at the helm since 2006, and considering this is their second time in the World Cup, he is considered a success.
Player to watch: Wilson Palacios, who plays midfield for Tottenham Hotspur. Palacios' family is a footballing one, with his brothers Jerry and Johnny playing professionally in China and Honduras, respectively. All three brothers are also on the team. Tragedy did strike their family when their younger brother, Edwin was kidnapped and then killed.
Player not to watch: Julio Cesar de Leon, of Parma, who is on loan to Torino. The attacking midfielder is the key to creating for this team, but he will be out due to a sprained right thigh.
Prediction: de Leon will surely be missed, and his absence will leave them without a birth in the knockout stage.
Chile
Nickname: La Roja (Spanish for...the Roja...kidding, the Red.)
Abbreviation: CHI
Last World Cup: 1998: In France, La Roja made it out of their group with 3 ties due to a great deal of help from the Italians, who beat the other two teams, Austria and Cameroon, who also ties each other. In the round of 16, Chile was easily defeated by Brazil, who were fueled by braces from Ronaldo and Cesar Sampaio.
How did they get here?: A Surprising second-place finish in CONMEBOL, ahead of Paraguay and Argentina.
Manager: Marcelo Bielsa, an Argentine who lead his home country's disastrous showing in 2002, where they fell to England in the group stage and managed to not even get to the knockout stage, the first time the Argentines didn't get past the first round of a World Cup final since 1962.
Player to watch: Alexis Sanchez, aka El Nino Maravillo (The Wonder Boy), is 21 and plays for Udinese in Serie A as a winger/forward, and has proven himself to be very dangerous with the ball at his feet. Could this be his coming out party for the world? We shall see.
Player not to watch: Marcelo Salas, a striker who retired and put in meaningful time in Europe with Lazio and less so with Juventus. The striker's experience will be missed, but...
Prediction: After a powerful qualifying campaing, this group looks poised to surprise the world. I'm looking for them in the second round.
Jun 16, 2010
Group G: Group of Death
Three amazing teams and one team from the most isolated country in the world. Let's get retarded.
Brazil
Nickname: A Selecao (The Selection-Brazil has the most professional footballers per capita in the world. And these are the best of the best. The ones who don't make the cut sometimes choose to play for other countries, like Marcos Senna for Spain, Deco for Portugal, and Mehmet Aurelio for Turkey)
Abbreviation: BRA (LOL!!!)
Last World Cup: 2006: The Brazilians breezed through their group and Ghana in the round of 16, and then Zidane made them look like fools in the quarterfinals as France marched to the final.
How did they get here?: Though Chile and Paraguay were both one point back at the end, the Brazilians, as usual took it easy and ended up in South Africa.
Manager: Dunga, a former member of the Selection. As a defensive midfielder, Dunga recognized the importance of having a strong defense and has moved away from the culture of Joga Bonito. So this may be the most boring Brazil team in history.
Player to watch: Hard to choose just one, but Maicon right now is the hot commodity after getting a treble with Inter. He is a big dude that can make plays on offense, but he is great at keeping danger at a minimum, which will go along with Dunga's plans.
Player not to watch: Hulk, a striker at Porto. Not just because of the name (he looks exactly like Lou Ferrigno), but also because the striking group lacks the size of past Brazilian groups. Adriano is about to return to Europe to play for Roma (quietly becoming a favorite to make a lot of noise in Europe next year), but was not in form enough to warrant a spot.
Prediction: Brazil has a renewed focus and will be ready to get deep in this tournament.
Portugal
Nickname: A Selecao (It's funny because Portugal used to have Brazil as a colony, but Brazil is just so much better than the Portuguese)
Abbreviation: POR
Last World Cup: 2006: Cristiano Ronaldo somehow didn't burn bridges with Wayne Rooney during the quarterfinal by getting him a red card, and then the Portuguese fell victim to the French in the semifinal, which included many boos for Ronaldo's actions in the previous match.
How did they get here?: It was close, as the Portuguese struggled through qualifying, finishing second to the Danish in UEFA Group 1 and lucked out drawing Bosnia and Herzegovina, who they took out 2-0 on aggregate.
Manager: Carlos Quieroz, who did good (read: evil) work helping out Alex Ferguson as an assistant at Manchester United from 2004 until 2008, when the Portuguese gave him the call.
Player to watch: Cristiano Ronaldo. The most metrosexual player in the world, but damn does he pull in the ladies. His latest: Irina Shayk.
Sorry, I have to change my pants.
Player not to watch: Luis Figo, the leader of the Golden Generation who glued it together while Ronaldo improvised. His steadying leadership was the main reason behind the semifinal appearance in 2006, and there isn't really anyone who can replace him.
Prediction: This is the team that gets the blunt edge of the Group of Death. A much worse group than the one from 2006, they are not ready to compete with their former colony.
Ivory Coast
Nickname: The Elephants.
Abbreviation: CIV
Last World Cup: 2006: Drawing the the Netherlands and Argentina in the same group proved to be fatal for the Elephants, losing both matches 2-1. They did salvage a victory over Serbia and Montenegro in their final game.
How did they get here?: African qualifying handed them very easy draws that allowed the Elephants to easily get to South Africa.
Manager: Sven Goran-Eriksson. The man who drove England, Mexico, Notts County, and probably your mother into the ground. This man is known more for meltdowns than for accomplishing anything. Somehow, he may salvage his reputation.
Player to watch: Didier Drogba. The prolific Chelsea striker is extremely skilled, but a broken arm suffered against Japan will change things up. He may need a soft cast, but he should still change the game.
Player not to watch: Sekou Cisse, Feyenoord. The striker probably would have replaced Drogba if the injury were severe enough. Alas, he will not.
Prediction: The Elephants will make their first appearance in the knockout stage after unsteady Portugal falters.
Brazil
Nickname: A Selecao (The Selection-Brazil has the most professional footballers per capita in the world. And these are the best of the best. The ones who don't make the cut sometimes choose to play for other countries, like Marcos Senna for Spain, Deco for Portugal, and Mehmet Aurelio for Turkey)
Abbreviation: BRA (LOL!!!)
Last World Cup: 2006: The Brazilians breezed through their group and Ghana in the round of 16, and then Zidane made them look like fools in the quarterfinals as France marched to the final.
How did they get here?: Though Chile and Paraguay were both one point back at the end, the Brazilians, as usual took it easy and ended up in South Africa.
Manager: Dunga, a former member of the Selection. As a defensive midfielder, Dunga recognized the importance of having a strong defense and has moved away from the culture of Joga Bonito. So this may be the most boring Brazil team in history.
Player to watch: Hard to choose just one, but Maicon right now is the hot commodity after getting a treble with Inter. He is a big dude that can make plays on offense, but he is great at keeping danger at a minimum, which will go along with Dunga's plans.
Player not to watch: Hulk, a striker at Porto. Not just because of the name (he looks exactly like Lou Ferrigno), but also because the striking group lacks the size of past Brazilian groups. Adriano is about to return to Europe to play for Roma (quietly becoming a favorite to make a lot of noise in Europe next year), but was not in form enough to warrant a spot.
Prediction: Brazil has a renewed focus and will be ready to get deep in this tournament.
Portugal
Nickname: A Selecao (It's funny because Portugal used to have Brazil as a colony, but Brazil is just so much better than the Portuguese)
Abbreviation: POR
Last World Cup: 2006: Cristiano Ronaldo somehow didn't burn bridges with Wayne Rooney during the quarterfinal by getting him a red card, and then the Portuguese fell victim to the French in the semifinal, which included many boos for Ronaldo's actions in the previous match.
How did they get here?: It was close, as the Portuguese struggled through qualifying, finishing second to the Danish in UEFA Group 1 and lucked out drawing Bosnia and Herzegovina, who they took out 2-0 on aggregate.
Manager: Carlos Quieroz, who did good (read: evil) work helping out Alex Ferguson as an assistant at Manchester United from 2004 until 2008, when the Portuguese gave him the call.
Player to watch: Cristiano Ronaldo. The most metrosexual player in the world, but damn does he pull in the ladies. His latest: Irina Shayk.
Sorry, I have to change my pants.
Player not to watch: Luis Figo, the leader of the Golden Generation who glued it together while Ronaldo improvised. His steadying leadership was the main reason behind the semifinal appearance in 2006, and there isn't really anyone who can replace him.
Prediction: This is the team that gets the blunt edge of the Group of Death. A much worse group than the one from 2006, they are not ready to compete with their former colony.
Ivory Coast
Nickname: The Elephants.
Abbreviation: CIV
Last World Cup: 2006: Drawing the the Netherlands and Argentina in the same group proved to be fatal for the Elephants, losing both matches 2-1. They did salvage a victory over Serbia and Montenegro in their final game.
How did they get here?: African qualifying handed them very easy draws that allowed the Elephants to easily get to South Africa.
Manager: Sven Goran-Eriksson. The man who drove England, Mexico, Notts County, and probably your mother into the ground. This man is known more for meltdowns than for accomplishing anything. Somehow, he may salvage his reputation.
Player to watch: Didier Drogba. The prolific Chelsea striker is extremely skilled, but a broken arm suffered against Japan will change things up. He may need a soft cast, but he should still change the game.
Player not to watch: Sekou Cisse, Feyenoord. The striker probably would have replaced Drogba if the injury were severe enough. Alas, he will not.
Prediction: The Elephants will make their first appearance in the knockout stage after unsteady Portugal falters.
North Korea
Nickname: Chollima, a mythical horse.
Abbreviation: DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea)
Last World Cup: In 1966 the mythical horses came out of nowhere to upset the Italians in Middlesbrough. Maybe the English should cheer for a North Korean upset early as it has a very positive correlation with them winning the World Cup.
How did they get here?: A lot of qualifying, more than any other team from the AFC that got to South Africa, starting with the first round taking the aggregate over Mongolia. They actually were in the same group as archrivals (politically, militarily, and athletically) South Korea, where the teams played two scoreless draws that probably kept detente going.
Manager: Kim Jong Hun. No information on the internets about him, so don't ask.
Player to watch: Attacking combo Hong Yong-Jo and Jong Tae-Se, both of whom ply their trade abroad in Russia and Japan, respectively. Hong is captain and Jong has 15 goals in 22 appearances. If the defense holds up these two might get some chances to make some proletariat magic.
Player not to watch: The ones that were purged. Seriously, though, it's more politician not to watch: Kim Jung-Il will NOT be attending the World Cup. Could you imagine if he went to the Argentina game and they lost 5-0? International embarrassment is something Dear Leader is good at avoiding. And he will avoid national embarrassment unless they win.
Prognostication: Maybe ready for an upset, but my capitalist pig money is not on them. So yeah, don't expect to see any soccer in Pyongyang this week.
Jun 15, 2010
World Cup: Group F
Sorry to be late with the Group F and G previews, but I'll have them out tonight as well as Group H before they start play. Here we go:
Italy
Nickname: Azzurri (Psssst they wear blue)
Abbreviation: ITA
Last World Cup: 2006: The Italians took home the trophy with some luck and a solid defense. And won yours truly $500.
How did they get here?: Marcello Lippi came back and led them to seven wins and three draws in an undefeated run to take Group 8.
Manager: Marcello Lippi, who was called back into action as Roberto Donadoni, the former Italian legend, was unable to do jack squat in Euro 08. Also, check these lookalikes: ex-coach Roberto Donadoni and Glen Coyne of the Flaming Lips:
Donadoni: here.
Mr. Coyne: there.
NO ONE DENIES THIS
Player to watch: Fabio Cannavaro. The diminutive defender is somehow able to maintain control as a centerback, which is crazy since he is only 5'9" and usually marking guys that tower over him. He is moving to the United Arab Emirates after the Cup to play with Al-Ahti, and is very likely to retire from international duty following this tournament to let some new blood into the Italian system.
Player not to watch: Mario Balotelli, Inter Milan. The striker of Ghanian descent is a beast, but he is still a bit of a wild card in the head. He has great command of the game, but when things don't go his way, he sometimes throws tantrums, making Lippi leave him off the roster.
Prediction: There is a lot of old blood on this team, with three players at 23 being the youngest of the group. There may be a completely different look to this team when 2014 rolls around, but for now, experience in such a shallow group will get them to the knockout stage. After that? Not far at all.
Paraguay
Nickname: La Albirroja (OMG THEY WARE WITE!!!111!)
Abbreviation: PAR
Last World Cup: 2006: They were overshadowed by the Soca Warriors of Trinidad and Tobago, but finished above them at 3rd with one win over T&T and two 1-0 losses to Sweden and England respectively.
How did they get here?: Comfortably tied for second with Chile behind Brazil, and even beat both Argentina and Brazil during their qualification run.
Manager: Argentine Gerardo Martino, who won four Paraguayan League titles before being hired for this gig.
Player to watch: Roque Santa Cruz, Manchester City, the only dude on the team with a double-digit goal tally in international play. He will be called upon to get the ball in the net for this team just as he was relied upon during his time with Blackburn in England. I wonder how weird the adjustment is for guys to go from all-star teams like Manchester City or Chelsea or Real Madrid to being a team relying on one player. When that safety net is gone, what happens? We'll see if Santa Cruz can adjust.
Player not to watch: Salvador Cabanas. The striker is the only other player on active duty with a double-digit tally, and could have been valuable working with Santa Cruz, but instead will be staying home.
Prediction: If the Paraguayans can get up and down and work the Italians for a point or more, they will have a chance at the second round depending on their performance against Slovakia (more on them lately).
Slovakia
Nickname: The Fighting Jondas (no idea and don't care)
Abbreviation: SVK
Last World Cup: 1990 as part of Czechoslovakia: This is the first time Slovakia has gotten into the World Cup without the aid of those damn Czechs. In 1990, they reached the quarterfinals. Their path included a 5-1 pounding of the United States and a 1-0 loss to eventual champions West Germany. Fucking commies.
How did they get here?: Dominated Group 3 with Slovenia. Also got to put the whooping strap on former country-partner Czech Republic and watch them NOT qualify. That in itself is a gift.
Manager: Vladimir Weiss. I previously said that only the nepotism of the US would have a coach put his son in the starting lineup of the World Cup. Boy was I wrong. Vladimir will very likely putting son Vladimir in the lineup. Then again, his son is 20 and already got signed by Manchester City, so he may actually be pretty good. His father played, also Vladimir (THE FUCK?!?!), played for Czechoslovakia back in the day...of the Iron Curtain.
Player to watch: Stanislav Sestak, Bochum. Though he may be paying his campaign workers less than minimum wage while paying his relatives huge salaries during his campaign...oh, sorry, this is a striker, not a Senate candidate from Pennsylvania. Sestak will see significant time and will probably have to shoulder some goal-scoring load for this defensively-focused team.
Player not to watch: Defensive midfielder Miroslav Karhan, who has the most caps all-time for Slovakia, and will sit at home for their first World Cup trip. That has to suck.
Prediction: Playing for second with Paraguay and with opposing styles, if the defense holds we'll see them in the knockout round.
New Zealand
Nickname: Soccer Roos
...errr my bad, All Whites. Doesn't make people soil themselves the same way the All Blacks of rugby do, probably because of this:
Abbreviation: NZL
Last World Cup: 1982: Outscored 12-2 by Scotland, Brazil, and the Soviet Union in group play. Oh, happy memories.
How did they get here?: They won Oceania, but that don't mean shit, so they beat Bahrain in a playoff to get to South Africa
Manager: Ricki Herbert. Not good when your male coach spells his name like Ricki Lake. He once played for Wolverhampton.
Player to watch: Ryan Nelsen, a defender who captains both the All-Whites and Blackburn Rovers of the EPL. Nelsen will need to keep the defense steady if New Zealand wants to make any noise in this tournament. Did I also mention he went to Stanford?
Player not to watch: Christian Bouckenooghe, mostly because he is half-Maori, and maybe they'd do the haka if he were there.
Prediction: Not going to get out of the group. Just too weak and not the same skill level as the other members of the group.
Italy
Nickname: Azzurri (Psssst they wear blue)
Abbreviation: ITA
Last World Cup: 2006: The Italians took home the trophy with some luck and a solid defense. And won yours truly $500.
How did they get here?: Marcello Lippi came back and led them to seven wins and three draws in an undefeated run to take Group 8.
Manager: Marcello Lippi, who was called back into action as Roberto Donadoni, the former Italian legend, was unable to do jack squat in Euro 08. Also, check these lookalikes: ex-coach Roberto Donadoni and Glen Coyne of the Flaming Lips:
Donadoni: here.
Mr. Coyne: there.
NO ONE DENIES THIS
Player to watch: Fabio Cannavaro. The diminutive defender is somehow able to maintain control as a centerback, which is crazy since he is only 5'9" and usually marking guys that tower over him. He is moving to the United Arab Emirates after the Cup to play with Al-Ahti, and is very likely to retire from international duty following this tournament to let some new blood into the Italian system.
Player not to watch: Mario Balotelli, Inter Milan. The striker of Ghanian descent is a beast, but he is still a bit of a wild card in the head. He has great command of the game, but when things don't go his way, he sometimes throws tantrums, making Lippi leave him off the roster.
Prediction: There is a lot of old blood on this team, with three players at 23 being the youngest of the group. There may be a completely different look to this team when 2014 rolls around, but for now, experience in such a shallow group will get them to the knockout stage. After that? Not far at all.
Paraguay
Nickname: La Albirroja (OMG THEY WARE WITE!!!111!)
Abbreviation: PAR
Last World Cup: 2006: They were overshadowed by the Soca Warriors of Trinidad and Tobago, but finished above them at 3rd with one win over T&T and two 1-0 losses to Sweden and England respectively.
How did they get here?: Comfortably tied for second with Chile behind Brazil, and even beat both Argentina and Brazil during their qualification run.
Manager: Argentine Gerardo Martino, who won four Paraguayan League titles before being hired for this gig.
Player to watch: Roque Santa Cruz, Manchester City, the only dude on the team with a double-digit goal tally in international play. He will be called upon to get the ball in the net for this team just as he was relied upon during his time with Blackburn in England. I wonder how weird the adjustment is for guys to go from all-star teams like Manchester City or Chelsea or Real Madrid to being a team relying on one player. When that safety net is gone, what happens? We'll see if Santa Cruz can adjust.
Player not to watch: Salvador Cabanas. The striker is the only other player on active duty with a double-digit tally, and could have been valuable working with Santa Cruz, but instead will be staying home.
Prediction: If the Paraguayans can get up and down and work the Italians for a point or more, they will have a chance at the second round depending on their performance against Slovakia (more on them lately).
Slovakia
Nickname: The Fighting Jondas (no idea and don't care)
Abbreviation: SVK
Last World Cup: 1990 as part of Czechoslovakia: This is the first time Slovakia has gotten into the World Cup without the aid of those damn Czechs. In 1990, they reached the quarterfinals. Their path included a 5-1 pounding of the United States and a 1-0 loss to eventual champions West Germany. Fucking commies.
How did they get here?: Dominated Group 3 with Slovenia. Also got to put the whooping strap on former country-partner Czech Republic and watch them NOT qualify. That in itself is a gift.
Manager: Vladimir Weiss. I previously said that only the nepotism of the US would have a coach put his son in the starting lineup of the World Cup. Boy was I wrong. Vladimir will very likely putting son Vladimir in the lineup. Then again, his son is 20 and already got signed by Manchester City, so he may actually be pretty good. His father played, also Vladimir (THE FUCK?!?!), played for Czechoslovakia back in the day...of the Iron Curtain.
Player to watch: Stanislav Sestak, Bochum. Though he may be paying his campaign workers less than minimum wage while paying his relatives huge salaries during his campaign...oh, sorry, this is a striker, not a Senate candidate from Pennsylvania. Sestak will see significant time and will probably have to shoulder some goal-scoring load for this defensively-focused team.
Player not to watch: Defensive midfielder Miroslav Karhan, who has the most caps all-time for Slovakia, and will sit at home for their first World Cup trip. That has to suck.
Prediction: Playing for second with Paraguay and with opposing styles, if the defense holds we'll see them in the knockout round.
New Zealand
Nickname: Soccer Roos
...errr my bad, All Whites. Doesn't make people soil themselves the same way the All Blacks of rugby do, probably because of this:
Abbreviation: NZL
Last World Cup: 1982: Outscored 12-2 by Scotland, Brazil, and the Soviet Union in group play. Oh, happy memories.
How did they get here?: They won Oceania, but that don't mean shit, so they beat Bahrain in a playoff to get to South Africa
Manager: Ricki Herbert. Not good when your male coach spells his name like Ricki Lake. He once played for Wolverhampton.
Player to watch: Ryan Nelsen, a defender who captains both the All-Whites and Blackburn Rovers of the EPL. Nelsen will need to keep the defense steady if New Zealand wants to make any noise in this tournament. Did I also mention he went to Stanford?
Player not to watch: Christian Bouckenooghe, mostly because he is half-Maori, and maybe they'd do the haka if he were there.
Prediction: Not going to get out of the group. Just too weak and not the same skill level as the other members of the group.
Jun 13, 2010
Group E
Today we got to see two teams, Slovenia and Ghana, luck out on red cards, and one other, Germany, make every team in the field collectively poop their Zoobaz. Australia is pretty darn mediocre, but Germany looked like Spain picking them apart in the Euro 08 final. Not saying much, but until another team can get a goal differential that high after their first game, Germany is looking like the favorite. Let's take some Group E:
Netherlands
Nickname:Oranje, A Clockwork Orange
Abbreviation: NED
Last World Cup: 2006: The Netherlands finished second in the Group of Death, with Argentina's 6 goal thrashing of Serbia and Montenegro keeping them from getting first. The knockout stage was unkind, as it has always been for the Dutch. In the World Cup game with the most cards shown, both Portugal and the Oranje finished with 9 players and a Maniche goal was the difference. As usual, the Dutch will be playing with a chip on their shoulder.
How did they get here?: A cruise through qualifying saw the Dutch become the first European team to clinch a spot in South Africa with no blemishes.
Manager: Bert van Marjwik is not regarded on the same level of play as predecessor Marco van Basten, he probably won't make as unreasonable of substitutions as van Basten did during Euro 08, when his substitution at half of the knockout game with Russia killed Dutch chemistry and led to a victory in extra time for the Russians. van Marjwik has been much wiser in his management.
Player to watch: Wesley Sneijder, Inter Milan. The midfielder may be diminutive in stature, but in skill he is one of the best of the world. Cast off from the Bernabeu after no silverware arrived, he was an essential piece of Jose Mourinho's efforts to achieve the treble this past year. He'll look to continue his run of good play setting up the potent Dutch attack.
Player not to watch: Ruud van Nistelroy, Hamburg. The finisher rarely fails to take advantage of an opportunity, and despite missing significant time in his career and having retired from the national side, Ruud has seen a renaissance in Lower Saxony, and decided to make himself available. He will not be needed, as the Dutch will field Robin van Persie, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, Dirk Kuyt, Ryan Babel, and Ruud's Hamburg teammate Eljero Elia give the Dutch a plethora of options to use up front.
Another is recent international retiree Edwin van der Sar, the most capped player of all time who has been an anchor in goal. Ajax first choice Martin Stekelenburg is a worthy replacement and will do fine.
Prediction: This Dutch team has been strong, having only lost to Australia in a friendly since their exit from Euro 08. This team will have a healthy front line, a strong midfield, and a good defense. However, the defense needs to step up as they were the primary blame for the Euro exit. This team will definitely get past this group and should get deep in the knockout stage.
Denmark
Nickname: Olsens Elleve (Olsen's Eleven-they just LOVE Matt Damon over there)
Abbreviation: DEN
Last World Cup: 2002: The Danes took Group A, finishing off the shaming of defending champions France, before bowing out in the round of 16 with a 3-0 loss to England.
How did they get here?: A struggling Sweden and Portugal made it very easy for the Danes to take first in their group and seal a spot in the Final.
Manager: Morten Olsen aka George Clooney. He was on active duty for the Danish national team for 15 years, and he was an important part of their run to the semifinals in Euro 1984 and their advancement past the group stage in the 1986 World Cup.
Player to watch: Nicklad Bendtner, Arsenal. He was in great form for Arsenal this past season when called upon, which was often with the injuries piling on. He will be essential in his work up front with Jon Dahl Tomasson and Soren Larsen up front.
Player not to watch: Peter Schmeichel. One of the top 2 keepers of all-time (between him and Lev Yashin), Schmeichel was essential to the Danes' run to win Euro in 2002. Now they rely on a less legendary but capable keeper in Stoke City's Thomas Sorensen. Not the same, but the best available.
Prediction: Playing for second behind the Oranje with the rest of the group, Denmark have the advantage of coming in lacking any issues. But we may want to watch out for any Roligans. I still think they don't progress, as Cameroon looks ready to play.
Japan
Nickname: Samurai Blue
Abbreviation: JPN
Last World Cup: 2006: After taking advantage of their hosting duties to get out of an extremely easy group, they were knocked out by another surprise participant, Turkey.
How did they get here?: Asian qualification makes each draw easy for them, and they dominated their group with Australia in the final round of qualification.
Manager: Takeshi Okada, who previously coached the Japanese in the 1998 World Cup. Japan saw their best success under Brazilian Zico in that 2002 World Cup.
Player to watch: Keisuke Honda, CSKA Moscow. Honda started off the season making free kicks exciting at VVV Venlo in the Eredivisie, and after a transfer to Russia did the same, scoring two goals in 11 appearances, including a goal in the round of 16 that sealed an aggregate victory over Sevilla.
Player not to watch: Shinji Kagawa, Borussia Dortrmund. The young talent was left off the final roster despite being set to join the German side for next season and having been capped 13 times.
Prediction: The Japanese are not the strongest team in Asia. That title goes to South Korea. I don't think they can deal with the skill and physicality presented by any other teams in this group, and they will not reach the knockout stage.
Cameroon
Nickname: Les Lions Indomptables (The Indomitable Lions)
How did they get here?: Easy work in both group stages got the Lions an easy ticket to South Africa.
Manager: Paul Le Guen, who made a living as a defender for PSG for 8 years before coaching Lyon and PSG to Ligue 1 titles before Cameroon came calling.
Player to watch: Samuel Eto'o. The striker from Inter is the best to have ever played for Cameroon, and made their World Cup team in 1998 at 17. He looks to feast on the weak defenses in the Lions' group. After some controversy involving the other player considered the best in Cameroon's top player, Roger Milla, made about Eto'o's lack of effort for Cameroon due to it being used for his European clubs, the striker was ready to quit the team until he shut up. Luckily, he has been silenced.
Player not to watch: Jacques Zoua, FC Basel. The young striker will be left out due to injury from what could have been his coming out party as defenses focussed on Eto'o.
Prediction: With Eto'o in the fold along with Alex Song and his uncle, defensive legend Rigobert, expect Cameroon to have a strong showing a progress to the knockout stage.
Netherlands
Nickname:Oranje, A Clockwork Orange
Abbreviation: NED
Last World Cup: 2006: The Netherlands finished second in the Group of Death, with Argentina's 6 goal thrashing of Serbia and Montenegro keeping them from getting first. The knockout stage was unkind, as it has always been for the Dutch. In the World Cup game with the most cards shown, both Portugal and the Oranje finished with 9 players and a Maniche goal was the difference. As usual, the Dutch will be playing with a chip on their shoulder.
How did they get here?: A cruise through qualifying saw the Dutch become the first European team to clinch a spot in South Africa with no blemishes.
Manager: Bert van Marjwik is not regarded on the same level of play as predecessor Marco van Basten, he probably won't make as unreasonable of substitutions as van Basten did during Euro 08, when his substitution at half of the knockout game with Russia killed Dutch chemistry and led to a victory in extra time for the Russians. van Marjwik has been much wiser in his management.
Player to watch: Wesley Sneijder, Inter Milan. The midfielder may be diminutive in stature, but in skill he is one of the best of the world. Cast off from the Bernabeu after no silverware arrived, he was an essential piece of Jose Mourinho's efforts to achieve the treble this past year. He'll look to continue his run of good play setting up the potent Dutch attack.
Player not to watch: Ruud van Nistelroy, Hamburg. The finisher rarely fails to take advantage of an opportunity, and despite missing significant time in his career and having retired from the national side, Ruud has seen a renaissance in Lower Saxony, and decided to make himself available. He will not be needed, as the Dutch will field Robin van Persie, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, Dirk Kuyt, Ryan Babel, and Ruud's Hamburg teammate Eljero Elia give the Dutch a plethora of options to use up front.
Another is recent international retiree Edwin van der Sar, the most capped player of all time who has been an anchor in goal. Ajax first choice Martin Stekelenburg is a worthy replacement and will do fine.
Prediction: This Dutch team has been strong, having only lost to Australia in a friendly since their exit from Euro 08. This team will have a healthy front line, a strong midfield, and a good defense. However, the defense needs to step up as they were the primary blame for the Euro exit. This team will definitely get past this group and should get deep in the knockout stage.
Denmark
Nickname: Olsens Elleve (Olsen's Eleven-they just LOVE Matt Damon over there)
Abbreviation: DEN
Last World Cup: 2002: The Danes took Group A, finishing off the shaming of defending champions France, before bowing out in the round of 16 with a 3-0 loss to England.
How did they get here?: A struggling Sweden and Portugal made it very easy for the Danes to take first in their group and seal a spot in the Final.
Manager: Morten Olsen aka George Clooney. He was on active duty for the Danish national team for 15 years, and he was an important part of their run to the semifinals in Euro 1984 and their advancement past the group stage in the 1986 World Cup.
Player to watch: Nicklad Bendtner, Arsenal. He was in great form for Arsenal this past season when called upon, which was often with the injuries piling on. He will be essential in his work up front with Jon Dahl Tomasson and Soren Larsen up front.
Player not to watch: Peter Schmeichel. One of the top 2 keepers of all-time (between him and Lev Yashin), Schmeichel was essential to the Danes' run to win Euro in 2002. Now they rely on a less legendary but capable keeper in Stoke City's Thomas Sorensen. Not the same, but the best available.
Prediction: Playing for second behind the Oranje with the rest of the group, Denmark have the advantage of coming in lacking any issues. But we may want to watch out for any Roligans. I still think they don't progress, as Cameroon looks ready to play.
Japan
Nickname: Samurai Blue
Abbreviation: JPN
Last World Cup: 2006: After taking advantage of their hosting duties to get out of an extremely easy group, they were knocked out by another surprise participant, Turkey.
How did they get here?: Asian qualification makes each draw easy for them, and they dominated their group with Australia in the final round of qualification.
Manager: Takeshi Okada, who previously coached the Japanese in the 1998 World Cup. Japan saw their best success under Brazilian Zico in that 2002 World Cup.
Player to watch: Keisuke Honda, CSKA Moscow. Honda started off the season making free kicks exciting at VVV Venlo in the Eredivisie, and after a transfer to Russia did the same, scoring two goals in 11 appearances, including a goal in the round of 16 that sealed an aggregate victory over Sevilla.
Player not to watch: Shinji Kagawa, Borussia Dortrmund. The young talent was left off the final roster despite being set to join the German side for next season and having been capped 13 times.
Prediction: The Japanese are not the strongest team in Asia. That title goes to South Korea. I don't think they can deal with the skill and physicality presented by any other teams in this group, and they will not reach the knockout stage.
Cameroon
Nickname: Les Lions Indomptables (The Indomitable Lions)
Abbreviation: CMR
Last World Cup: 2002: A win was not enough to progress to the knockout stage as a loss to Germany and Ireland remaining undefeated left them in 3rd in Group E.How did they get here?: Easy work in both group stages got the Lions an easy ticket to South Africa.
Manager: Paul Le Guen, who made a living as a defender for PSG for 8 years before coaching Lyon and PSG to Ligue 1 titles before Cameroon came calling.
Player to watch: Samuel Eto'o. The striker from Inter is the best to have ever played for Cameroon, and made their World Cup team in 1998 at 17. He looks to feast on the weak defenses in the Lions' group. After some controversy involving the other player considered the best in Cameroon's top player, Roger Milla, made about Eto'o's lack of effort for Cameroon due to it being used for his European clubs, the striker was ready to quit the team until he shut up. Luckily, he has been silenced.
Player not to watch: Jacques Zoua, FC Basel. The young striker will be left out due to injury from what could have been his coming out party as defenses focussed on Eto'o.
Prediction: With Eto'o in the fold along with Alex Song and his uncle, defensive legend Rigobert, expect Cameroon to have a strong showing a progress to the knockout stage.
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