Your One Stop Shop NBA Finals Preview and Future-Telling Device

You could say that I, like America, am much more excited about this NBA Finals matchup than say, Jemele Hill.

(When I searched for the article on ESPN, it came up with this preview: "Lakers versus Celtics? Please. If basketball fans know what's good for them, they want to see Pistons versus Spurs in the NBA Finals." Makes Jemele sound like an abusive parent cracking their belt. Also, while people complain of Bill Simmons' Celtics fandom, why do we not bring up Hill's? She was born in Detroit for heaven's sake! Of course she wants to see them in the Finals, but unlike Simmons, her writing style demands that she not explicitly say so, so she does it the only other way possible: implicitly using mind-control.)

Anyways, back to the preview: besides the fact that this is Lakers-Celtics Round 12, it also is something even more important to the NBA: new-guard vs. new-guard. We're about to see a rivalry return to prominence and set off a 1980's golden age redux (still to be another post). The Celtics have jack squat Finals experience compared to the Lakers (see: Kobe and Fish circa Lakers 2000-2002), but their hunger may make up part of that difference. Let's look at the matchups to determine what the hell is really going to happen; ladies and gentlemens, THE FUTURE TELLING DEVICE!

Point Guard

Rajon Rondo vs. Derek Fisher

This is the barometer for this series. Rondo may be forced to help on Kobe drives and doubling down into the post onto Gasol, in which case Fish will have the chance to hit open jumpers that will make things much easier for the Lakers. On the other end, Rondo has to avoid turnovers, especially with the thievery that Fish has displayed during the playoffs (3.5 per game against Utah and 2.27 per throughout the playoffs, enough to earn the nickname to a nickname "A Fish Called Wanda"). I'm giving this matchup to the Lakers.

Shooting Guard

Kobe Bryant vs. Ray Allen

The bell goes off here because it's a matchup of perennial All-Stars. Alas, one (Kobe) is a superstar that is about to be the league's image (already for the D-League's logo) the way Jordan was in his hey-day. Jesus Shuttlesworth may have a magical stroke from the land of the trinity that has been on as of late, but he will be no match for the all-around dominance that the Mamba has been displaying throughout the playoffs. I also don't think that Ray-Ray will be the primary defender on Kobe, as Pierce will be a more physical matchup that will give Kobe more problems. Still, this one goes to the Lakers.

Small Forward

Vladimir Radmanovic vs. Paul Pierce

When I was in 10th grade gym class, our teacher asked us for examples of great shooters. I immediately said John Wilkes Booth, who displayed some amazing athleticism by jumping from Lincoln's balcony after his shot heard 'round DC, although he broke his leg and didn't land it. he interrupted me to remind me that we were talking about basketball shooters, and I immediately said "Vladimir Radmanovic." And for good reason: Rad-man could stroke it in international play, but was just less effective from 3. He's been playing extremely well in the playoffs to the tune of making great cuts so Kobe has somewhere to pass when he contortions in the air and realized that Tim Duncan is breathing down his neck a la Brainy from Hey Arnold!, and hitting open shots. He will probably start out on Pierce as to avoid Kobe having to foul people and so Kobe can play that off-ball sneak-up-on-your-candy-ass defense. But Paul Pierce is "The Truth" for a reason: he truly can play, and he's been damn clutch in the playoffs, especially in Game 7s. Both players will get theirs, but Pierce will get more, so the advantage in this matchup goes to the Celtics.

Power Forward and Center

Lamar Odom & Pau Gasol vs. Kevin Garnett & Kendrick Perkins

I'm thinking that Garnett comes out on Gasol because Garnett is a fucking stalwart on D and Gasol has been giving teams serious fits with his length and a post repertoire similar to Yo-Yo Ma's of cello. However, this will leave the Celtics at a disadvantage as Perkins has a dearth of speed compared to Odom's bounty. However, matching up the other way will still disadvantage the Celts because Perkins will also be vulnerable guarding Gasol.

With the Celtics on offense, Garnett will probably be guarded by Odom to start out, leaving the active Perkins crashing the offensive glass (averaged 2.8 per against the Pistons), so Gasol will have no rest on D. Inevitably, Gasol will end up guarding Garnett (Gasol also could inevitably start the game on Garnett, who will definitely be using his unstoppable midrange game to draw out whoever is guarding him and get them into some foul trouble.). Though Lamar Odom has been playing out of his mind as of late, I think the Celtics have the advantage because Kevin Garnett is the best front court player in the league.

Bench

I've watched nearly every game by each team so far in these here Playoffs, and there is one glaring difference in these teams: The Lakers bench can put five right in like Dean Smith with his "Blue Team," while the Boston bench is powerless by itself like the Silver Surfer sans board. Jordan Farmar will be starting when Fish is done; he is definitely the heir to the point guard position, and he has been playing like it should be his now. Sasha Vujacic is a solid semi-flopper who talks trash but can also microwave like Vinnie Johnson. Luke Walton is an amazing passer and a smart scorer. Ronny Turiaf has been putting in good minutes against starting forwards in the past two series, and Trevor Ariza should be getting more time, but he may be nursing his injured right foot that kept him out for the end of the regular season and the beginning of the playoffs. PJ Brown has been solid off the Celtic bench, but no one else really has, especially on the road (Only James Posey, with his championship experience with the Heat, averages more than 4 points a game). The Lakers bench is definitely going to cause more problems for the Celtics  than the Celts' will do for them.

Coaching

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAAHAHA...

Sorry. I sometimes forget about Doc Rivers coaching the Celtics, and Phil Jackson's status as coach of the Lakers. Doc Rivers is just not that good of a coach. Sorry Celtics fans, but the Lakers take this one easily. 

Prediction: Lakers in 5. The Celtics may get one of the first two, but I think the Lakers steal homecourt and win 3 straight at home to take the championship in front of their own fans. The Lakers are about to do some dynasty building next year with a healthy Andrew Bynum, who will help take this team to the future (sans Kobe) along with the other younger Lakers, which could possibly include a lot of Larry O'Brien trophies.

Also, Mike Tranghese retired today. He had worked in the Big East since its inception and was the commissioner for 19 years after the retirement of Dave Gavitt, the league's first leading the continued growth and the quick recovery from the ACC defections. The Big East, though only the 8th oldest of the 12 D-I-A conferences, is still one of the more powerful because of Tranghese's efforts to draw in Miami (especially their football) and Notre Dame sans football. He led the salvation of the league after the ACC defections that put in play an amazing concept with the 16 team basketball conference, the largest of all time, that was able to get a record 8 teams into the tournament last year. Now that he has retired, he is planning on doing something else, and we wish him lukc in whatever that may be.

THE GOLDEN AGE IS UPON US

For all of you that have been hiding under a rock for the past day, the Lakers are back in the Finals and Kobe is poised to become the new MJ. Doug Collins even attested to that since MJ (and Pippen, but as more of a #2 in both regards) won a Larry O'Brien and then an Olympic Gold later in the summer, and Kobe will have a chance to do so this summer. But why do we consider Kobe the new MJ? Answer: Clutch. Kobe dropped 39 and made Bruce Bowen look pretty terrible before his year-end performance review. Duncan had a triple double, but he was just plain frustrated at the end of the game, even cheapshotting Gasol with an elbow on a terrible hook attempt that missed the rim.

So now the Lakers wait for either Boston or Detroit, and their wait should be the longest possible, as the Palace will be rocking tonight and will not be satisfied with a Pistons season ending in the Conference Finals again. Neither Our question is what will happen in Boston on Sunday, as for the first time, a good TEAM will be their opponent in TD Banknorth as opposed to a good player on a mediocre team (Cavs) or a plain mediocre team (Hawks). Most expected Boston to be the ones waiting for a foe in the Finals as the West was won in a gigantic skirmish of Game 7s, but the exact opposite happened. Kobe and the Lakeshow made quick work (quicker than the normal of these here playoffs) to get the Finals, and will definitely be at an advantage.

Lakers over whomever in 6.

(Also, a Golden Age analogy entry will be coming shortly.)

Link of the week: AJ Daulerio spells out the funniest shit ever in this examination of probabilities at the National Spelling Bee.

Video of the week: This

leads to the first one-line blog of all time.

Orange News of the Week: Look who's playing in Israel! As I am going off next semester, I hope my dog's namesake, one Otis Hill, is still playing in the North, moving from Ironi Nahariya to Hapoel Galil Elyon, a club based out of a kibbutz. The first chance I get to see him play, I will, wearing a 'Cuse article of clothing, and mention to him that we named our dog after him. On second thought, maybe I shouldn't mention that...

Wednesday May 21st was Redonkulous

So, for a while, I promised that the Buzzer blog was back, and then there was this extremely hypocritical two-month and two-day hiatus, and now it truly ends. I'm flipping over the money tables to be your sports blog Jesus.

Champions League Final

I took in the game with one of our new blood (whose identity will remain under wraps until he chooses his identity since we are a free society here) at Tully's. Chelsea has yet to become a global brand, as evidence from the 3 Chelski fans there compared to the 10 ManU fans (It's fucking Syracuse, which attracts international talent (for benefit glorious economy) the way Greg Robinson attracts top D-1 football players: terribly). The first half set the tone of the match to be on a classic caliber, as ManU dominated possession but a costly bounce off of Ferdinand's back right in front of the goal was enough of a chance for Lampard to equalize in the 45th, offsetting Ronaldo's header off a Wes Brown cross in the 26th. Things got chippy, as expected from two teams that finished 1-2 in both England and Europe. Scholes ended up self-flagellating while trying to cheap shot a Chelsea player and looked like Silas in The Da Vinci Code in paleness and bleeding-ness. After the half, Chelsea took over as aggressor. Michael Essien started the game at right back, which is awfully out of position for him as he is usually a central defensive mid. He wasn't up to the challenge and let Ronaldo get free for his goal, so for the 2nd half, Grant switched him with Makelele and Essien definitely helped get some pressure on Van der Sar. Drogba managed to hit some pole on a strike from right outside the box in the 77th. Extra time was Chippy McChippers as both teams realized they wouldn't score, so they essentially turned to baiting. Grant chose to ruin his suit in the rain as Ferguson covered up his fly-ass suit with a jacket (25:1 ratio of price of Ferguson's suit to Grant's Israeli attempt to wear a suit) while both stood for the first time in the match to direct the baiting. And the winner was Manchester as Drogba tried to hook Nenad Vidic like a fish with his finger and saw some red and proceeded to take 2 minutes to walk off the field. And then, 2 minutes into extra time, every player on the field magically cramped up. The funniest part: while two sets of players tried to stre...I really can't explain this, so I will wait to find video of it and see Ashley Cole. To summarize: 1-1, 120 minutes player, 4 yellow cards per team, 1 red for Chelsea who would be key for penalties in Drogba.
Ronaldo should stop doing the little stopping thing on penalties. It's like how Tim Duncan stops at a weird point in his free throw during the playoffs, causing his percentage to fall 10% from the regular season (more to come on Lakers-Spurs); he leaves the flow and it's hard to get back into it. But lucky for him, Terry choked and Anelka shot the ball right into Van der Sar's hands (Source: awfulannouncing) and saved Ronaldo's ass for the FIFA World Player of the Year award (Terry deserves to be in Ronaldo's speech, but he probably won't out of fear for the revenge that would come to him on the field). My player of the match was Van Der Sar, because he won the game (goalies win penalty shootouts in football and hockey).
Terry Smyth was on SportsCenter after the game, and Brian Kenny asked him some of the stupidest shit. If I may quote:

Isn't there a better way to settle this than penalty kicks?

Now, I will answer this question because obviously there isn't since if someone knew, FIFA would know and they would be doing that instead of penalty kicks. But seriously, Brian Kenny, how dumb are people? I'll tell you: those that switched over to ESPN to watch Around the Horn at 5 because that is how their day was planned. Don't talk down to me, it just makes me want you to spontaneously combust even more.

To end the night, I capped with Lakers-Spurs, where the NBA wishes that Tim Donaghy hadn't been caught so they could have used him to influence the series to be a 4-0 LA sweep. Ginobili had one of the worst games I've seen him play, period. Kobe just waited for the second half to have a ridiculously clutch peformance and lead a comeback over the visitors. Only 2 points in the first half, and then 25? Kobe is playing like he will replace Jordan as the cornerstone of the league and be the influence on a generation of players that Jordan was for Kobe's generation. The sections of careers are comparable in the form of SAT analogies:
Kobe's 1st dynasty years: Kobe::MJ's time at UNC: MJ
Both grab our attention and begin to truly show glimpses of the mastery we will soon see from each, and each is surrounded by top level talent: Jordan has Perkins, Worthy, and Matt Doherty to fall back on at Carolina, while Kobe had Diesel in his prime in LA.
Kobe:Kobe's middle years sans Shaq::MJ: MJ's early years in the NBA
Both have begun to have to work with minimal talent around them and learn how to be cold-blooded. MJ fucks Craig Ehlo's whole day up against the Cavs in the playoffs just as Kobe decides to put in 81 on the Raptors to celebrate Papa's birthday (Papa, for all you curious ones out there, is Steve Perry of Journey). Both build up some fucking intense mean streak, but still can't break through because they need some god damn help around them, leading to...
MJ:First 3-peat::Kobe:Now
Kobe gets Gasol, MJ gets Pippen. Both don't need to work as hard on either end, but put up huge games. Both are coached by Phil Jackson, who gives them their opportunities on offense but plays them on worse offensive players so they can wander and make big plays on defense (See: game 6, 1998 Finals, MJ strips Malone late during his masterful "last supper" (last 5 minutes of his real career) and Kobe wandering while guarding Bowen right now).
So, there you have it, explained in its entirety. Kobe might end up winning more rings, especially after Bynum comes back and plays with Kobe enough (I'm pretty sure he'll stay with the Lakers for a while after his rookie contract is up) that the Lakers can win a title with Kobe shouldering half to less than that of the load he has right now.

More buzzer to come...