The Wire is Still the Best Show on Television

It should be a fact that you all know, but I'll just emphasize it right now: The Wire is the best show that was ever broadcasted on television anywhere in the universe. David Simon still has his show questioned and still responds with the most acrid of defenses to show that this world he created is real, and One of my favorite characters, Dennis "Cutty" Wise, embodied a changing attitude that sadly was not as pervasive as necessary to see a counter to urban decay, as he tried to reform himself from convicted murderer to boxing trainer to help keep kids off the corners.

In Toledo, with the recent spate of austerity that kills social programs, public schools there have killed many sports for younger athletes, which will be damaging for coaches who will no longer have the opportunity to engender skill development in middle school and freshmen teams as they used to and will probably struggle to be competitive with their varsity teams.

In the face of that, it is refreshing to see kids pulled off the corners and having their minds and bodies stimulated in a refreshing way through pugilism. Boxing requires an apt body as well as an apt mind, and not just to play chess in between rounds, but to make sure your face doesn't end looking like a meteor hit it. I don't know how many math problems you can ask a kid while he's jumping rope or dodging punches, but to teach him to problem solve in order to get out of getting his face punched in is a valuable skill for both the neighborhoods these kids live in as well as keeping their minds stimulated for school. Though it is $30 a month per student according to the article as opposed to Cutty's free gym, it is refreshing to see kids given a bevy of options to train in the sport. While boxing may be a way out, the mental exercises of the sport could also be a way in to college for many of these kids.

Defender of the Powerful

As exciting as these last couple weeks in the NBA have been, they have been equally as polarizing. Anytime there is an inordinate amount of attention on something, writers tend to think they have to take a stand, and say something meaningful. As I was sure would happen, when the Anthony to the Knicks, and subsequent trades that followed happened, writers thought that it was time to grandstand. The result? Columns like Rick Reiley's gem on how the NBA is headed for disaster because stars are dictating where they go, and it hurts the little guy. It's not only him, I've heard tons of "experts" say this.
Let me let you in on a little secret. Since the Bad Boy Pistons of 88-89 (featuring the star of Nintendo's Bill Lambeer basketball) won the title, including that team only seven different teams/cities have won the title. Those teams: Detroit(3 times), Chicago(6), Houston(2), San Antonio(3), Los Angeles(5), Miami(1), Boston(1). What stands out other than only seven teams winning in a total of 21 years? Look at the cities that won them. Only San Antonio's titles stand out, as they are the only non-major city team to win. The point? If your argument is that the big stars shouldn't be able to pick where they play because it will hurt the small market teams and their chance at winning, then welcome to the NBA. That's the way things have always been.
Can you remember the last time the NBA stole the headlines like it has since "The Decision" and the Carmelo saga? Is this a bad thing?
I understand that the way that these players go about getting their way turns people off (myself included). If you take the ridiculous hour long T.V show away from LeBron last summer, he absolutely made the right move. Look at the Cavs. It's hard to feel bad for an organization like the Cavs. They amazingly built a roster that was capped out for the next two seasons, and became historically bad when one player left, even if it was LeBron. LeBron has a lot of negative qualities, but he's not stupid. He didn't want to play for a garbage owner, a garbage organization, and quite frankly a garbage city. Now look.
The Heat though polarizing, are great for the NBA, and they bring in loads of casual fan interest. For real basketball fans it gives us something fascinating to watch this spring-the chance to test out whether great offense can make up for no interior defense. Any of the realistic match ups of Heat/Celtics, Heat/Bulls, Heat/Knicks, and Heat/Magic will get off the charts ratings. This is bad for the NBA?
Did you see last nights Knicks game? Did you see the fans, the atmosphere, even the players? Nothing about last night was bad for basketball. Denver shrewdly walked away from that deal with assets-they will be fine. If the stars want to form superteams in the big cities, I say why not? As a Yankee fan I can tell you that super teams guarantee you absolutely nothing. The smaller teams will still be able to compete. It's not like baseball where only eight teams can make the playoffs. Every year sixteen teams will get into the playoffs, and the small market teams that are built well, like the Thunder will give the big teams more than a test. Lots of teams can follow the Thunder, the Spurs, and the Warriors, who all have built promising cores though the draft and smart free agent signings.
Everybody can relax, the NBA will be more than OK, it will be the same it always has been. Hopefully Mr.Reily will stick to writing stories about under privileged golf prodigies, or whatever he writes about now. In the meantime, lets all watch the real biggest story in the NBA-Baron Davis' effort the rest of the season on the Cleveland Cavaliers.

State of the Orange

In regards to my beloved Orangemen

I’m sorry I just don’t see it this year. I know that Monday nights win was a welcome sight here in upstate New York, it just still doesn’t ease my mind. This team has serious weaknesses. The fact that at any given month this season you could pick a different player, and be able to say that he’s the leader of the team, is a bad thing, not a good thing. You need a guy or at worst two guys, that you can point to and say were going to ride him(them) in this tough conference road game. If your being honest, right now it’s a four way argument between Rick, Scoop, Brandon, and Kris as to who is our go to guy. The real answer is that none of them are. They are all gifted and talented players, but none of them are the man.

Ricky is an outstanding rebounder, and has done as good a job carrying a frontline with literally no depth/talent as I’ve ever seen at SU. Rick has gotten exponentially better as his career has gone along, and for that we can all praise the hard work that he put in…Does anybody think that he’s a go to player though? Let’s be honest, he’s a ten point a game scorer in Big East play. In some of Cuse’s defeats his offense has been nonexistent. You also can’t throw him the ball at the end of a close game because a)his low post game still isn’t that good and b)if he gets fouled you are going to have to pray that he even makes one. There’s a saying out there that “you don’t want to make Ricky mad,” but sorry bud-you’re not a go to player.

Scoop actually doesn’t get nearly the credit he deserves either. Here in Syracuse, Scoop is kind of the whipping boy for this edition of the Orange. He has also improved his game every year that he’s been here, to the point that when he hoists one of his hideous looking jump shots that you have some thought in the back of your mind that it may find a way in. He is one of the best guards at running a break in the country, usually making the right decision. The problem is that a majority of your possessions are played in the half court. This is where Scoop is still suspect at best. Way too many times Scoop surveys the defense and lazily hoists up his slightly above average jumper instead of attacking the bucket. Other times he over-dribbles twenty five feet away and can’t get the team into the set that they are running. The result are those awful possessions where a fade away is jacked up by someone that has zero chance at going in. In end of the game situations he has been turnover prone, as well as prone to missing free throws (shooting in the low 70%’s all season). Surely this can’t be your go to guy.

Pappy used to hype Triche up at the J.C.C, so I was expecting large things. Triche has certainly been on the last two games, and is playing with confidence he’s never played with here. Triche like Scoop is an excellent finisher in transition, using his Will Renaud-like strength to finish in traffic. We have seen glimpses in the past of Triche and what he can do when he’s being aggressive, with perhaps the best example being his best game of his career came at West Virginia last season, where he carried the team for stretches of that game. Again though, for the most part that has been the exception to the rule, and Triche sometimes comes off like Chris Richards or James Teetermen on the late bus, with just an ‘angry/sulking for no reason’ demeanor. Triche will continue to get better and I think by next year he will be a leader and a great player, I’m just not sold on him for this season.

I scored some sweet seats to Monday night’s game against WVU, and having seats up close really put into perspective the build that a lot of these guys have. Of everyone on the floor that night, only one person looked like they were built for the NBA, and that’s Kris Joseph. Blessed with a body that’s perfect to play small forward at the next level, as well as NBA hops, not to mention the perfect form on his jump shot and explosive first step, Joseph should be completely unstoppable. Something is just missing though. He shows games where it looks like he’ll take over and be the player that he has the tools to be, but he just can’t put it all together. I’m not sure why, but clearly he is not the “man” on this team.
As Boeheim said, this year’s Orange lost three great college basketball players. Rick, Scoop, Triche, and Kris all fit perfectly with that team as role players. With a healthy Arinze last year’s team would have won the title, and I would make the argument (for a different column) that they were a better team than the 03’ title squad. Losing all of that talent as and filling it with role players surely takes a long time to adjust. I hope I’m wrong, but that’s when I think the Orange will be relevant again. I see this year’s team bowing out in the second round of the NCAA’s, for that reason. Hopefully a star emerges and proves me wrong.

The Orange Roller Coaster

Right now, every game is a toss-up for Syracuse basketball, but these past two games have been quite encouraging despite the fact that they were split with their opponents.

For the Louisville game, it was good to see some fight in an arena where 'Cuse has been prone to lose any sort of fight. Down 20 in the second half, they fought back and played damn well. If it had not been for some terrible officiating. Of course, that is what you get anytime Ed Hightower referees a Big East game. Look, if you get put in a photoshop that looks like this:

you're probably not making the calls that well.

I will be boycotting all Yum! products for the forseeable future, and I encourage you to as well, as they put their name on that arena that took full advantage of some terrible homerist calls to avoid an epic collapse. And the boycott must be by all Syracuse fans. That means no Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Wing Street, Long John Silver's, A&W Restaurants (nor the root beer itself), and the Skynet of it all, KFC. Eat Kennedy Fried Chicken, Crown Fried Chicken, any other Fried Chicken, but none of these restaurants. Let's make the Louisville economy collapse. That was a rant that I do not apologize for. THE MANUAL BUZZER WILL NOT GO ON LATE NIGHT BELL RUNS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE.

The West Virginia game showed that fight to be real, and a 4-point halftime deficit turned into an 11 point win. But still, Casey Mitchell dropped 23 in 26 minutes. Boeheim put some of the blame on Waiters being a little lackadaisical in his spot at the top of the zone, and that is reasonable, but open 3's are still coming a bit too often. West Virginia hit on 11 of 22, most of which came in the first half. Still, that will put SU in a hole.

Luckily, there is Brandon Triche to overcome this deficit. Triche is turning into an absolute star this season. As Kris Joseph has faded as of late, maybe still feeling some after-effects from the concussion, Triche has gone on a tear in the past 2, dropping 21 on Louisville and 20 last night on West Virginia. The different role from last year (moving to the 2 from the 1) has given him the chance to show he has one of the best jumpers on the team. He should continue to showcase it without issues if he keeps getting screens and kickouts. If Kris can get his game going, maybe with more of a post-up on smaller guards, and Scoop moves back to the slash and kick-out game, this team will be dangerous.

And finally, my favorite player on this team, CJ Fair. CJ is the new Josh Pace, or as Steve puts it, Josh Pace 2.0. He is amazing at getting those floaters in the lane, but he is also picking up the garbage for the team. Broken zones are saved when he swats away open lay-ups, as we saw against Georgetown last week. Having him in with Rick gives great rebounding, even as Baye's length is not there. CJ is already developing into a fan favorite, and if he develops his jumper, add NBA prospect to that list.

So what is the outlook the rest of the way? Rutgers in the Dome should be a win if they play them as tough as they've played their past two opponents. Then, the two game road trip of Catholicism will be quite a challenge. Villanova, sick of not having played a true home game against Syracuse in the past few years, as the Wells Fargo Center usually ends up half and half Nova and 'Cuse, has a Big Monday shot at the 'Cuse in the Pavilion. Georgetown has them coming to visit the Verizon Center, and despite the fact that they restricted ticket sales to Syracuse fans, Syracuse fans have found a loophole that doesn't require them to donate $25 to Georgetown. Expect Syracuse to hang around in both of these games, and I think they take at least one. Finally, DePaul for Rick Jackson's senior day? Rick Jackson isn't going to let them lose. 'Cuse will have one bye for the Big East Tournament if they do finish 11-7, and it should put them in prime position for a tourney run this year.

Thoughts from Last Night

Watching the game last night with my father and a few of his friends gave me a new perspective on how to watch football. Here are a few of the highlights:

-My father and I are offered a beer by the host, and we graciously accept. The first beer that gets brought out is covered in what looks to be motor oil, so we pointed that out and had him grab us a new one. He came out with two shiny new "Molson Goldens." I had never seen this brand before but figured it may be a cultural beer or something (it was a very diverse group). I took the first sip and realized that this beer had definitely fermented. When my friend who was there (the hosts son) came out of the bathroom and looked at what we were drinking, he had that look like he'd just walked in on his parents gettin freaky. He then gave us this important piece of information. "Those beers were from my Grandmothers retirement party from Niagra Mohawk. Theyre at least eight years old."If you've never had fermented beer, let me tell you, there's nothing quite like it. It made the game about 75% less enjoyable for me. Drinking a brand new Molsen Golden probably would have been bad enough, so thank you for that Niagra Mohawk retirement brew and your hospitality.

-Watching a game with old cats can be both educational and (more so) annoying at the same time. Every time my dad would see a number on a jersey he'd say something like "hey that's_____" number, he was a great player, as everyone in the room gets excited and tells their favorite uninteresting story about that player.

-As Dubroff can attest, the owner of the house Terry, is a tank of a man. I kid you not, he knocked out at least half of one of those huge Zita pans of banana pudding, it was incredible. We all sat there in awe.

-It looked like they were pulling a weekend at Bernie's stunt when Slash got on stage for the halftime show. I think they were moving him with puppet strings.

- As for the game, I knew that either way it would be a close game. I never expected Big Ben to beat himself, like he did with those first half turnovers that put them in too big a hole. Really, that was the only way the Packers could have won, because Pittsburgh is built on holding leads, not catching up. I knew it would be a great struggle for them if they fell behind. I'm not sure which fan base is more obnoxious so I really don't care that either team won.
In the big picture I'd say the one thing people will always remember about this game is that it was Rodgers coming out party as a legit star, and not much else, unless you count whatever the Black Eyed Peas were doing at halftime. All in all I would call it a success, and no young women were harmed.

Super Bowl Pick, Part 2

Steve Dep sends in this pick via the wire:

Pittsburgh 24, Green Bay 20

"Give me the team with:

a) the best QB

b) the better defense

c) the better coach in the big game.

Big Ben has come through in so many big spots that Pittsburgh has all three."

All of that in a text message. Dude is good.

Super Bowl Pick

This will be the first from us. I picked no one in the beginning of the year, mostly because I was soiling my pants scared that I wouldn't graduate. Then the Eagles were good for a little bit, then they sucked to end the year and I was left watching some decent playoff football with shitty offensive displays.

I just hate the Steelers, and I hate Ben Roethlisberger's ALLEGEDLY gray penis. I also hate Roethlisberger. I hate Hines Ward, but I can't say why because then people would be all like, "OHHHHH THAT'S A STEREOTYPE OF ASIANS, YOU FUCKING RACIST!"

I do like James Harrison, just because he likes hitting people, as well as the production Mike Wallace gave me in Fantasy Football this year. And I can't wait for Mike Tomlin to be portrayed by Omar Epps in his biopic, Tomlin: Black Lombardi.

The Packers are not actually owned by their fans. Their fans own pieces of paper and go to an annual meeting where Mike Murphy tells them they're going to pay $20 more per game for season tickets and they all nod like a bunch of overweight robots with clogged arteries. And Mike McCarthy should not be the coach here. I learned this from my recent encounter with Mike Holmgrem, who thinks he could be doing a much better job with this team. He communicated this to me by showing me his penis.

And the Packers are a likable team. I love Rodgers just for the fact that he is beating the shit out of Brett Favre's legacy. If Favre shows up at a victory parade, I think Rodgers should surprise him with a punch in the face and just beat him to a pulp. Favre made the Packers waste a good 3 years of his career on the bench while he played out his shitty twilight. BJ Raji is a hilarious fat man. And of course, Greg Jennings:

Here is my prediction: Jennings breaks his leg in the 1st quarter, but knowing he will have time to build a robotic leg for when the NFL finally returns from its hiatus brought on by owners being greedy, Jennings puts the team on his back, even in the face of Troy Polamalu, one of the hardest hitting safeties in the league, and scores a touchdown as time expires, making it 49-20 Packers.

That was a joke. 23-17 Packers is the pick.

Eddy J. Lemberger's dreams come true!

It's a Traaaaap

I saw this restaurant near Times Square while walking home from a job interview, and I just had so many questions. A selection:

1. Do Independence Day rules apply? As in, if I get Jeff Goldblum to go in there, hack into their wireless network, and install a virus, will every Sbarros around the world have their protective force fields knocked out?

2. Another Independence Day question: Is there a small alien running the finances in a back office and preparing troops for a ground invasion after destroying the world with shitty Italian food?

3. Are George Clinton and Bootsy Collins in there, powering the "mothership" through getting funky (and probably reeeeallly high) in a back room?

4. Does Mama Sbarro in any way resemble Jabba the Hutt in her body composition?

5. How cool would it be if she had Papa John frozen in carbonite? (Answer: very cool)

That's all I have. Here is my favorite Star Wars parody ever (h/t Filmdrunk):

Addressing the Syracuse basketball rumors...

When I was a sophomore in high school, I went onto then-fledgling News 10 Now's website—now YNN, of course—on a night much like this. We hadn't had a snow day since the seventh grade, and the STORM OF THE CENTURY was rolling in on a Sunday night/Monday morning. I was up doing homework around 11:30 and checking all the local news sites relentlessly, hoping to see my school join the ever-growing group of schools closing for the day.

The hours passed and our school hadn't so much as announced a delay, so I took matters into my own hands. There was a "post an announcement" button at the bottom of the school closings page and I decided to press it. I filled in a whole bunch of VERY OBVIOUSLY FAKE information, listing the Superintendent's name, number and email as the reference, and said "[REDACTED] SCHOOLS - NO SCHOOL MONDAY." I honestly thought that they would call the Superintendent to confirm this posting, and he'd get woken up at 1:00 AM to have to say that we DO have school, and har har, funny prank.

Well, that didn't happen. Their system just straight-up posted my announcement. I could have posted that we were at war with Mars and it would have gone up. It stayed up for a good few hours, too, and even apparently popped up on a few other sites before someone at the school must have finally caught wind and debunked the rumor and the posts disappeared.

And we had school the next day, of course. Some people stopped doing homework and a bunch of seniors slept in and missed a test and I never really got in trouble but the Superintendent made some crack about snow days to my mom years later and winked at me so I think word got out somehow.

But whatever. The point of that story was my personal recollection that PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE ANY BIT OF BULLSHIT POSTED ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET. PERIOD. There is no fact-checking and no verification anymore. That's dead. The YNN "reporter" was probably just eager to try to have his name attached to a huge story, so he decided to take ownership of it going on a post made on an online poker site's message board as a source. He's since taken the offending post down, but obviously the damage has been done.

(Also, kind of ironic that this irresponsible jackass works for YNN, and it was News 10 Now that I messed with back in the day.)

Tuesday Morning Bullshit: Gregg Easterbrook Thinks he has the Plutonium to Make this Bomb

I hate Gregg Easterbrook. He blames violent movies on anyone who is Jewish who works in Hollywood. He believes that undrafted players are the only players that NFL teams should employ, because chips on shoulder ALWAYS means good football. He also owns a gun, and not a shotgun, but a widdle pistol. Fuck, THE DUDE HAS TWO G's AT THE END OF HIS NAME. What a fuckface. Anyways, from now on, every week, we will read his column and break down the obvious dementia he is exhibiting and wondering when ESPN will send a nurse to change his Depends that he's been wearing for the past 10 years. This week's episode: Aaron Rodgers, discoverer of the Fountain of Foolproof Concussion Prevention. Modern Ponce de Leon Question mark? And later, bringing racial purity to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

All across the United States, football players and their parents -- there are 500 high school football players for each NFL player -- are worried about concussions, which a report released last week shows are rising in incidence.

This is a big deal. Players are missing a lot of time this year due to head injuries. Hell, even Toyota tried to get in on the blame game in order to deflect their stupid decision not to use Callahan brake pads.

Aaron Rodgers of the Packers, who will start at quarterback in the upcoming Super Bowl, just switched to a helmet he thinks offers superior protection. Rodgers says the helmet prevented a concussion when he took a brutal blow to the head from Julius Peppers of the Chicago Bears in the NFC Championship Game.

So, it sounds like this helmet has one recorded incident of it working, right? Rodgers must have tested this helmet in his lab repeatedly, right?

Cartman's Incredible Gift
Tags: SOUTH
PARKmore...

Yeah, something about hands.

So a Super Bowl quarterback has found a helmet that might reduce the concussion plague, protecting huge numbers of football players at the college, high school and youth levels. Good news?

I mean, once they run a study to make sure the helmet actually works, sure. But you're a bit wrong in the head, why don't you completely confuse your readers with a deranged line of reasoning?

Here's the catch -- Rodgers won't tell you what kind of helmet he switched to. Neither will the Green Bay Packers. A Super Bowl quarterback and his team have information that might increase neurological safety -- and won't share it.

Yeah, probably a good idea for Rodgers for a few reasons. First, where is the endorsement deal? Second, probably hurts your reputation to say this is the #1 concussion preventing helmet, then have a bunch of kids go buy it and smash their heads into each other and get concussions. Oh, great contrarian white dude who spells his first name like a black dude, PLEASE, TELL ME HE IS WRONG!

Each year 1.1 million boys, and a few girls, play middle school and high school football .

All risk permanent neurological harm, while few will receive a college sports scholarship and hardly any will earn a dime in the NFL. Many high school football players -- probably the majority, there are no definitive statistics -- take the field in outdated-design "shell" helmets without any concussion-resistant engineering. They do so partly because new-generation helmets cost about $200 each, and many high schools have budget problems.

Okay, so how about we wait until it's confirmed by more than one case before they go waist more than $200 on this shit, huh?

But the main reason large numbers of high school players wear obsolescent helmets is that below the level of the pros and big colleges, coaches, parents and athletic directors have no idea which helmets are best. They look to the top of the sport, the NFL, for guidance -- and receive none.

That and they're spending money on music programs and whatnot. And I'm sure the NFL makes suggestions, it's just that these people aren't about to spend $1000 on a football helmet.

Now a Super Bowl team, the Green Bay Packers, believes its quarterback is safer in a particular helmet type, and won't reveal the information that might reduce brain injury risk throughout the sport.

Again, not sure this helmet actually prevents concussions any better outside of this one incident, BUT THE PEOPLE MUST KNOW SO THEY CAN TEST IT ON THEIR FEEBLE BRAINS.

Like any athletic enterprise, the Packers have reason to keep game plans, training techniques and other such specifics private. But safety information should never be proprietary. Any information that improves sports safety should be declared openly, to all.

Like pickle juice to prevent dehydration like the Eagles used in the '90's to beat the Cowboys in Dallas that one time. I tried it, and I just got dehydrated and threw up. WHAT GIVES?!

Riddell is the NFL's helmet provider; players are free to wear other helmets, so long as they obscure the brand. This is why the white stripe on the back of an NFL helmet may say a team's name; that means the player is not wearing a Riddell, and has covered the Riddell logo.

Whoa, I'm going to do a bit of detective work on my own here right now. Bear with me, Greg(g), I think I might have something. Maybe the helmet isn't a Riddell helmet, so they can't endorse it!

Riddell's advanced Revo Speed model (which my older son wore when playing college football) and the Schutt DNA (which I bought my young son when he played JV) are designed to reduce concussion risk, and data show this works.

Hey, great research! Why don't you go buy one of each of these suckers for all the youth football players you named earlier in this article? It'll only be, what, a little over $200 million out of your pocket?

Is Rodgers wearing a Riddell Revo Speed or a Schutt DNA? The Schutt Ion helmet also has advanced engineering -- is Rodgers wearing an Ion? Is he wearing a Xenith X1, a new helmet brand designed around concussion prevention? Is he wearing the new Rawlings Quantum, which goes on the market soon, and was designed to reduce concussion risks? The public needs to know.

The public needs to know once we've done enough research to prove that these helmets are effective, and then somehow the public needs these helmets to be available for purchase at a lower cost. But that would mean underprivileged showboaters would get these helmets, and we know how Greg(g) hates black people who are drafted in the NFL Draft.

Getting improved helmets onto every football player's head will be no panacea -- other reforms are needed to make the game less dangerous. But getting a concussion-resistant helmet onto every player's head is an important first step.

Too bad a concussion-resistant helmet will probably never exist, unless we're all in our surries playing football. Maybe the best reform would be no helmets at all? There are fewer concussions in rugby than football, because rugby players don't have anything protecting their heads.

Though the NFL has been encouraging players to switch to any of the advanced helmets mentioned above, the NFL does not mandate their use. This is a short-sighted policy TMQ has been objecting to since the Riddell Revolution, the first-generation helmet engineered to reduce concussion risk, went on sale eight years ago.

Surprisingly, I agree here. Especially since the NFL is ponying up for these guys to get insurance.

Regardless, a starting quarterback in Sunday's Super Bowl has found a helmet brand and model that he believes offers superior protection against concussions. Yet he won't say what the helmet is, and the Green Bay Packers won't say either. Rodgers and the Packers should be widely criticized for this. Why won't they tell the country's million high school football players, and the players' parents, what the NFL knows about safety?

So, Easterbrook essentially learns nothing through this. The NFL is conscious of its official suppliers.

Question:Do you think they'll let it slide if Ocho Cinco comes out to Bonnie Bernstein after a game and immediately say, "Yeah, FUCK REEBOK! Assholes make the gayest jerseys ever. Gayer than Lance FUCKIN' Bass!"?

Answer: No. His twitter would disappear. They'd make him change his name back to Johnson and send him to a Protestant Church for every service for six months before even giving him a reinstatement hearing.

TMQ also offers this little gem. I am currently unemployed, but I was curious to see what this:

would do. Well, let's just say Greg(g) really is into that whole Protestant work ethic:

Well, of course it's just the PRINTED VERSION OF TMQ! How else would he do it?

"You think I'm gonna help you pretend you're working? No one helped Wes Welker pretend to be the first to come and last to leave when he got to the Dolphins. You have to earn your keep! And reading my batshit rant about why blacks and Jews are the scum of the Earth is how you will learn your god damn lesson. It's more than appearances. Except for the Jews who don't have hook noses. Fucking masks!"

--Proposed TMQ Ringtone, yelled by Greg(g) and only playable at the highest ringtone volume on your phone.

In other football news, it's hard to think of a more appealing Super Bowl pairing than the Packers, winners of the first two Super Bowls, versus the Steelers, with a league-best six Super Bowl trophies.

Also, Rush and I are both so proud that neither starts a black quarterback. Power to the whites!

The pairing is especially appealing since the Packers were established in 1919 and the Steelers in 1933, yet they have never met in the playoffs.

And they were in completely separate leagues until 1970. So, not that reasonable when for the first 37 years of coexistence they would only be able to play each other in the playoffs or an exhibition, which would usually be against geographically proximal teams.

Greg(g) offers up this stat:

Stat of the Week No. 10 The Packers and Steelers enter the final game on a combined 8-0 postseason streak.

Who would have thought? Somehow, these teams had to win multiple games to get here? That's mindblowing!

Of course, Greg(g) also has a taste for the ironic that would make Dave Barry have an orgy with the family in Family Circus, so here we go:

Disclaimers of the Week: Reader Andrew Smith of Stanley, N.C., purchased a gizmo that emits high-pitched sounds to condition a dog not to bark. The packaging included this disclaimer: "Warning: deaf dogs cannot hear."

I'm not sure who is dumber: the person who thinks this is funny, or the person who needs to read this in order to know not to buy the product. And what's with ragging on them? The law making sure this is printed on something is up there with the law that allows you to carry your little girlie gun that adds that half inch that makes your penis look twice the size, right?

The Packers and Steelers, squaring off in the Super Bowl, are almost entirely home-brewed. Of expected starters Sunday, all of the Packers' starting offensive players were drafted by Green Bay, while seven of the Packers' starting defensive players either were drafted by Green Bay or signed by the team out of college as undrafted free agents. That's 18 of 22 Green Bay starters who have spent their entire pro careers in the Packers' organization. Of the Packers' four starters obtained in free agency, only one, Charles Woodson, received a megabucks contract. No Green Bay starter was obtained in a trade.

Of expected starters for the Steelers, eight of the offensive starters were drafted by the Steelers, with a ninth signed out of college as an undrafted free agent, while on the Pittsburgh defense, eight of the starters were drafted by the Steelers, with a ninth signed out of college as an undrafted free agent. That's 18 of 22 Pittsburgh starters who have spent their entire careers with the Steelers' organization. Of the Steelers' four starters obtained in free agency, none was a big-money acquisition. No Pittsburgh starter was obtained in a trade.

That sound you hear. It sounds like sandpaper rubbing down wood, right? It's actually Greg(g) Easterbrook masturbating to what will happen in this Super Bowl. And he softend whenever Charles Woodson is shown. "Not...gritty...enough...chip...on...shoulder...too...small...I NEED MORE LOTION!"

Is he going to talk about the Hall of Fame? Of course he is.

This weekend, the Hall of Fame selectors will choose the next class to wear the garish yellow jacket at Canton. As with past years, only the on-field performance of players, not their off-field failings (or accomplishments), will be weighed, while no one who's already been admitted will be expelled.

Sounds like a regular Hall of Fame to me.

This must change.

And let me tell you, I have a few black folks who should definitely be kicked out.

Consider: O.J. Simpson, a criminal, is in the Hall of Fame.

Oh, here we go.

Simpson currently is serving a 33-year sentence for armed robbery. In 1997, a California civil jury found him liable for wrongful death in the murders of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. Yet Simpson's bust, jersey and memorabilia are displayed at Canton. "Look, kids, here's the criminal the Pro Football Hall of Fame wants you to admire!"

Again, just a football player. Though I hear they're going to get the knife from the LAPD by induction weekend this year.

Lawrence Taylor is in the Hall of Fame, though in his own 2003 book, "LT: Over the Edge," Taylor said he spent up to "thousands of dollars a day" on cocaine when playing in the NFL, and often broke narcotics laws. Recently, Taylor pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of paying an underage girl for sex. To avoid a felony charge, he agreed to become a registered sex offender. "Look kids, here's the child abuser the Pro Football Hall of Fame wants you to admire!"

And to celebrate him, they're going to bring in his favorite $100 bill to do lines with and the bloody sheet from the night in question.

Though Simpson and Taylor are in the Hall of Fame, Jack Kemp -- who was the AFL's all-time leading passer, then went on to a life of highly distinguished public service, including being the Republican Party candidate for vice president in 1996 -- is not. What's the distinction?

Oh, I know! Simpson and Taylor voted for Obama, and Kemp voted for McCain?

Simpson and Taylor did terrible things off the field, Kemp did good things off the field. And the Hall of Fame averts its eyes from off-the-field behavior.

You know, like draft dodging via a bum knee. Not a torn ACL, mind you. Way to go, Republicans!

In bygone days, the sports writer was like an independent publicist for athletes, producing gushing praise while saying nothing about the personal faults of sports stars. That certainly has changed -- today, for example, nearly every sportscaster's reference to Brian Cushing of the Texans includes mention of his drug suspension.

Sports writers have become a lot like you and Jay Mariotti, people who criticize athletes without ever speaking to them and hide behind the cloak of journalism. Get a fucking life.

But the old way of thinking still dominates the Hall of Fame, where the selectors, the former players and owners who trek to the annual induction ceremony, and ESPN and NFL Network, which broadcast the ceremony, prefer to steer clear of the character question.

Why don't you talk to Gooddell about setting up Character Hall of Fame? I know Akili Smith would really like to be in it. Ty Detmer is still a good Mormon, vote him in!

"Many current Hall of Famers had off-field issues that were well-known at the time they were being considered, so to change the selection rules now would skew historic perspective on Hall of Fame selections and create a line of demarcation -- pre off-field considerations and post off-field considerations," Frank Cooney, one of the selectors, told the St. Louis Globe-Democrat last year.

That's a reasonable way to put it. Same parameters for each player to get in. Thought, Greg(g)?

So because the Hall of Fame didn't care about character in the past, it shouldn't care about character now? "That's the way it's always been" is the cheapest excuse in the book.

The cheapest move though? Jumping on someone's reasonable statement to make it your soap box.

When Hall of Fame selectors and Hall of Fame management maintain they should consider only performance on the field, this conveniently excuses them from dealing with personal integrity. Disregarding integrity sets a terrible example. Hall of Fame officials and selectors who have children: Do you tell your children that character does not matter? Of course not. So why do you tell this to other people's children?

Hall of Fame selectors respond: "Actually, we don't say anything to anyone else's children. We just show who were statistically the best players of their time."

This is especially disturbing because the Hall of Fame is a tax-exempt 501c3 nonprofit organization -- officially, an "educational museum." Tax exemptions subsidize the Hall of Fame, which most emphatically does not behave in an "educational" manner.

Telling the history of football through its best players through the years? Sounds pretty educational. This section has to be a ploy to get someone to send him free tickets to the induction ceremony. What a joke.

A Hall of Fame official might say, "OK, suppose we toss out Simpson and Taylor. Do you want us to go through the entire list and expel any player or coach who later committed a serious crime or harmed others?" Yes. That's exactly what you should do. Cooperstown and Springfield should, too. Membership in a sports hall is a privilege, not a right -- a privilege that those who behave dishonorably should lose.

Yeah, like Ty Cobb, who had a penchant for calling Babe Ruth the n word. Oh, we're keeping the whites in?

Roger Goodell said last year, "I believe that it's more than just how you conduct yourself on the field. I believe very firmly that it's how you conduct yourself on and off the field. That's part of your contribution to the game." Not according to the people who run Canton.

Which is definitely not Roger Goodell.

Seriously, this is the stupidest moral grandstanding ever written in human history. But wait, you have to see what he calls one of his next chapters:

More Proof of the Decline of Western Civilization:

You have got to be SHITTING ME.

Rep. Dennis Kucinich of Ohio filed a lawsuit last week against the operator of a House of Representatives cafeteria, claiming he is owed $150,000 because a sandwich he bought contained "dangerous substances" -- namely, an olive pit. The lawsuit claims Kucinich suffered dental harm plus "pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment."

This is actually funny, seeing as the plaintiff is a 5'5" man married to a statuesque 6'0" woman. But seriously, who puts a pit or a seed in a sandwich a man is going to bite into? Evil people.

According to the White House transcript, President Barack Obama was interrupted by applause 79 times during last week's State of the Union address, including for such generic pronouncements as, "We need the fastest, most reliable ways to move people, goods, and information, from high-speed rail to high-speed Internet." The president received 45 standing ovations, including for such generic pronouncements as, "Let's fix what needs fixing and let's move forward."

I don't want people to be excited about the future of our country, and catchphrases are Satan. He laid out a plan, too, but just like me reading your shitty, long, diatribe-filled, bowel movement of a column (someone needs to stop drinking all this metamucil), you decided to forgo the parts with a plan. Good for you. Get your little pistol ready, THE CHINESE WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES! GET TO THE BUNKER, TMQ FAMILY! GOOOO!

Standing ovations for generic comments -- in 2010, Obama brought the crowd to its feet merely with the words "small business" -- have become part of political theater. Obama received 37 standing ovations during his February 2009 speech to Congress, and 46 standing ovations in his 2010 State of the Union talk. Members of Congress know that when the president speaks, standing to clap is a way to get television cameras to pan off the president toward them.

And to show they want to actually get something done. And why not show these legislators sitting mixed together as opposed to the usual separation along party lines. It's refreshing after the shooting in Arizona, despite all this ridiculous rape talk.

But there's a larger problem at work -- too many standing ovations at theatrical shows, awards ceremonies, all kinds of public events.

Yeah, you don't spend 2 days following the NFL games passing stool onto a typewriter and making some intern put it all down and update it for the 21st century. Those are MY precious god damn MINUTES!

The Oscars and Golden Globes stop so often for the audience to rise that the evenings are like aerobics classes for the Hollywood elite.

Lord knows Kathy Bates needs it.

Today's Broadway shows, no matter how bad, often end with standing ovations, while rare is the high school musical that does not conclude with the audience on its feet.

Again, people not working hard enough for Greg(g). But come on, did you see Ricky Gervais? And did you see someone get concussed at Spiderman in musical version? I bet Greg(g)'s kids look out into the audience after their school plays and start bawling when they see the one seat where DEAR OL' DAD is still sitting, unappreciative of your terrible performance as Nathan Detroit.

Standing ovations are supposed to acknowledge a remarkable insight or moving performance -- not merely that a politician spoke, or a curtain closed.

Look, I don't give a standing ovation for every play I see, but usually I see good plays, not the ones you've been seeing:

Literally, shit ones.

This column makes me want to kill myself

Next Week: That Super Bowl thing you might have heard about.

When is ESPN going to realize the mistake of paying the way for a bigot who hates blacks and Jews to go to the Super Bowl? I'm not linking to his column, and you shouldn't actually read it. It is worthless. I promise to open it up once a week in order to write this critique, and that is it. Boycott Easterbrook, because I want to see his sons wear football helmets that put them at greater risk of getting a concussion.