THE MANUAL BUZZER

Case Study for the Ages

2011-09-08T11:10:00.003-04:00

In my introductory piece for the Buzzer I stated the following; "I have a wealth of knowledge for all sports, but particularly for basketball and baseball, as well as fantasy sports, so more than likely that's what my columns will focus on." If you read between the lines, I was saying that I am absolutely obsessed with basketball and baseball, and LOVE fantasy sports. What it also says, is that football is something that I watch, and enjoy, but have nowhere near the passion for as the others. My love of fantasy sports has always been baseball, and basketball. I've never felt a void because when one ends, the other starts. For anyone who doesn't get the long drawn out point I'm trying to make, it's that I've never played fantasy football before.
As of Tuesday that changed. I've entered a twelve team fantasy football league, that includes our own Pappy Chalmers (if you still count him), Client 9, Benny J, and Dannymac as our commissioner. I am proud that I was counted worthy to join their league, and I can already tell that the league should have everything you want in a fantasy, i.e smacktalk, insults, fights ect. As Dan stated in my profile, I do truly hate to lose, and hate looking stupid even more. This presents an interesting challenge to me.
In the two other fantasy sports that I play, I'm not ashamed to admit that I finish near the top of my league 99.999% of the time (my final roster in fantasy basketball where everyone is competitive and plays the whole year-Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Rondo, Al Jefferson, Manu, Noah, Billups, KG, Dorell Wright, Frye, Gortat, Camby, Bargnani-or in other words all top 50 players). I breath those sports, and at least feel like I can project who's going to be a steal, and who I should stay away from. It's always helped me in fantasy league's, and I'm able to buy and sell my players like stocks because of that.
Football is a whole different beast to me. I'm ashamed to admit that I don't even have a favorite NFL team. I watch games every week, but they are at random. I root for a good game when I watch, but I don't study the statistical habits of players. That made Dan's text to me when asking to join his league a challenge that I needed for myself. If I consider myself a great fantasy player, then I should be able to take a basic formula for fantasy sports and apply it to football's guidelines. On the Monday before the draft I spent midnight until 2am pouring over espn.com's fantasy football sections. Keep in mind that I didn't (and still don't to an extent) even know the most basic thing like that RB's may be the most valuable commodity in fantasy football. My time on the web was well spent, and I walked away at least somewhat informed on the process.
The one tip that I feel applies across the board in fantasy sports is to take advantage of position scarcity. According to the experts at least, those two positions this year were QB and TE (as far as elite), so I wanted to get a leg up on the field in those two spots. That was what made me perhaps slightly over pay for Brady and Gates. As far as I saw it, every year you can pick up a great RB after week 1 who comes out of nowhere, and there are a ton of useful WR. It doesn't seem quite as easy to get a great QB or TE. I'm banking that having a leg up in those two positions (I feel that Brady will be the best real life and fantasy QB this year) give me an advantage.
Now according to yahoo, my team blows, and I'm listed as a 25 point underdog to my opponent this week, so perhaps I am a rookie who knows nothing. I'm sure the fact that my number one pick is playing the Steelers isn't helping much in my projections. I do think that my team will be respectable and make a little noise. Once I see a couple weeks of how scoring works, I will give 110% effort to get this team into top shape for the stretch run and hopefully the playoffs, and we'll see from there.
If by some miracle I happen to win this league, it would really be an interesting turn of events. It would show us that despite how much we experience matters, it comes down to following a formula, and praying for health/luck. Of course, the odds are that my team will blow, but that would almost make me just as happy, since it would prove that you really do need some knowledge and expertise to win these leagues.
Whatever happens, I know that it's going to be a blast, and I'm sure there will be a handful of hilarious moments from this year. I'm going to give it all I've got, and pray I don't come in last. At the very least, next year I will be a beast.

Steve DePaulis...The Poor Man's Ray Babbitt

2011-08-25T18:08:00.002-04:00

The Manual Buzzer once again found itself at the center of a national controversy last week after our own SteveDep (do I have to keep using the nickname since your full name is in the title of the post?) published what I thought was an incredibly heartfelt and incredibly funny tribute to his good friend since childhood, me. I'm not sure what it says about Cleveland Blvd. that his effort resulted in about a hundred people coming out of the woodwork to refute Steve's piece and assert that he and I are both total assholes, but hey. I appreciated it, Steve, because even the parts that weren't true were true, in the Hunter S. Thompson "truer than the facts" sense.

Well, since fair's fair, it's time for me to dust off my profiling pen--the same pen that once wrote critically acclaimed profiles of everyone from Yogi Berra to Superintendent Phil Martin to Larry Wallington--on a much less deserving target, Stephen DePaulis, who has asked me to rip him a new one (his exact words: "I hope you bomb on me in mine.") I've made it clear in the past that I want my bachelor party, whenever that might be, to be a full-blown Comedy Central-style roast, so Steve, thanks for offering yourself up to play the part of ~~downtown Oslo. (Too soon?) Nagasaki. (Too soon?)~~ a field where they detonate bombs.

Steve broke his profile of me into chronological sections, but for Steve I'm going to do it by subject area, beginning with...

The Ladies

-I've always said Steve is one of the two funniest guys I've ever met (with the other being the great Colm Kelleher, who lacked Steve's range in sports and trivia but always found new and creative ways to call me a fag). Much like his chest hair, his sense of humor was fully developed by the 5th grade, and his comedic timing made him the object of affection for almost every girl in our class, minus Ji Hyun Lee who fabricated a story about Steve, Adam Goldberg and I making fun of her accent and caused our teacher to throw a Hal McRae-level fit that to this day has never been topped. (The closing line, "Daniel? GO TO THE OFFICE! Stephen? GO TO THE OFFICE! Adam? GO TO THE OFFICE!" ranks up there with "You're GODDAMN RIGHT I ORDERED THE CODE RED!" and "But they'll NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!" on the all-time list.)

-But for all the attention the girls gave Steve, who by high school was quite a handsome fellow (resembling an Italian Adrian Brody with Russell Crowe's haircut and Robin Williams' back hair), Steve returned none of their affection. He had the whole "completely ignore girls who you like because for some reason that drives them crazy in love with you" thing down years and years before the rest of us finally figured it out. However, there's a second half to that strategy--"once you get them sufficiently crazed and in love with you, THEN you actually hook up with them"--that Steve just never got around to. There were several theories as to why this was the case. Was it because Steve secretly liked black girls, and there just weren't many to choose from at F-M? Did he have a secret girlfriend from Wegman's who he was embarrassed to introduce to us because she was homeless and slept out back by the next day's bakery rolls every night?

Only I knew the real answer: Laziness with a capital L. Steve was, for most of his life, one of the laziest human beings I have ever met, and the idea of him taking the time to squire some girl from our class to Sno Top and then hold hands walking around the Swan Pond hoping for a little makeout action instead of watching Mike and the Mad Dog for three hours was frankly laughable. He was the Rasheed Wallace circa 2009 of talking to women--he just was not going to go inside the three point line on either end of the floor, but they kept him on the roster anyway because it was obvious he would have talent if he ever ended up trying.

-Which brings us to the modern era of Steve's romantic history: his lovely wife Rachel. There's really only one sports comparison for a guy who was historically such a bum marrying such a sweet, kind, and breathtakingly beautiful woman--Jose Bautista. Steve went from hitting like 8 homers a season on forgettable Pirates teams (I'm skipping over Steve's post-high school, pre-Rachel dating history because frankly I know next to nothing about it, minus some ominous talk one time many years ago about a "love rhombus" as opposed to a "love triangle"--it's more mysterious than the missing 18 minutes of the Nixon Tapes) to starting in the All-Star game literally overnight. (And they said I was the one who kidnapped my girlfriend? That matchup is shades of Borat throwing Pamela Anderson in a burlap sack.)

At Steve's wedding, I had a semi-drunken (okay, not "semi-drunken") discussion with his dad, Big Mark, the DePaulis family patriarch commonly referred to as the Don Mattingly of Cleveland Blvd for his consistency, his thick, robust moustache, and his consistent ability to grow said thick, robust moustache.

During this chat I started an elaborate theory about how Steve was the Vlad Guerrero of getting married, because Vlad was a notorious "see ball, swing bat, ask questions later" type hitter, and it seemed like the span of time from when he met Rachel to when he was walking down the aisle was about six months tops. Granted, it was longer than that, but in marriage, just like in the backyard playing Seniors vs. Weiners, Steve was the type to see his pitch and swing without thinking twice--you never saw Steve take strike three down the middle. He even called his shot--he pulled me aside at Walter's (R.I.P.) around Thanksgiving of senior year and confided that he was thinking about proposing. He asked if I would be at the wedding if he did. I said of course. (I wouldn't be on time, because Dubroff was driving, but that's not the point.) He said he'd probably need about two months. Wouldn't you know it, the first week of February he texted me that he'd gotten engaged. Well Steve, you might be the Vlad Guerrero of getting married, but you knocked this one out of the park. Now stop peeing on your hands.

Speaking of Vlad Guerrero, it's time to move on to...

Sports

-Steve was the best all-around athlete in our class growing up. He was best known for basketball--his on-court heroics at IC Playground are well-documented, and he would have shattered the consecutive free throw record in 4th grade if certified fat slob Kareem Bazali hadn't jumped into his path about 45 made shots in and swatted the ball. People often wondered why Steve never tried out for varsity, because he would have started easily from about sophomore year onward; let me refer you back to the reason why he never hit on girls.

Basketball aside, though, Steve was just gifted at everything sports-related. I faced his devastating fastball in Seniors vs. Weiners, and, as he mentioned, was only able to hit it every single time because I was using a bat that was christened "the Toothpick". He would routinely hit homers off his shoetops or while jumping over the plate to get one four feet outside; this is why my out pitch to Steve was literally to throw one behind his back and hope he got greedy. He might have said something about how I had no velocity and no movement. This is 100% true. About five years ago, I attempted to throw a "knuckleball" with the tennis ball we played with once. It went down the tube at about 25 m.p.h., and I actually had time to see Steve's eyes light up like Tom in a Tom and Jerry cartoon right before he tries to stab a trapped Jerry with a fork. I'm being completely serious when I say that that ball might still not have landed. Joseph, who was catching (and calling a terrible game, by the way) literally threw his glove down in disgust as the pitch was approaching the plate and walked away scoffing.

-In my opinion, Steve was also the toughest, fairest, most competitive athlete around.

-He always played through pain. He, Pappy and I like to get together in the winter and play night ball by the light of Steve's car headlights on the IC Playground, and one night Steve cut with the ball and slipped on a patch of black ice (nobody ever said were were geniuses), landing square on his knee on the asphalt with a sound that I can still hear to this day. Steve laid there for about ten minutes and then got up, shook it off, and played, which to me was Willis Reed-esque. He also keeps breaking his ankle, but I think that's because he's gotten fat since he started working and his little bones aren't used to holding up such a doughy torso.

-Steve was a great teammate, and he always took me under his wing when we were kids. I was, to put it bluntly, a terrible basketball player until about the 9th grade. Steve was the best in the class, and always made sure I got picked for his team, even though I was a complete liability on offense. Once we got into high school I started to develop a Manu-esque feel for the game, but was still overmatched against anyone other than losers in jean shorts at the Y. Steve would still pick me up in games at IC and the high school. I'll always appreciate that, especially because Steve hates to lose, so picking me up must have been extra painful, and because he could have just as easily let me rot on the sideline. I never would have turned into the creative Caucasian ballhandling and passing prodigy I am today without Cousin Stevo consistently inserting his 5'7" white friend with no J into the lineup.

And Dubroff, if you're reading this: PASS ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU BIG, HAIRY, HOWIE SCHWAB-LOOKING GOON. There, I said it. Phew that felt good.

-One time Steve and I played ping pong in my basement, but we had no paddles, so we used a paintbrush and a hammer. I wish I was kidding. That's why you can't put a price tag on a Cleveland Blvd. upbringing.

-Sports trivia: This is why Steve is the poor man's Ray Babbitt, not because he has less money than Dustin Hoffman, although he does. Rumor has it that Big Mark once gave a high school aged-Stephen a composition notebook and told him he'd give him money if Steve could write the date, opponent, and score of all 162 Yankees games that had just been played that season. Not only did Steve succeed, he also got the winning pitcher's line correct for about 150 of them (the one and only instance before 2007 of Steve going above and beyond on a homework assignment). That is complete and utter Rain Man territory right there. As surprising as this story was when I first heard it, I believed it, because Steve is secretly one of the brightest guys you'll ever meet talking about any subject, but especially when it comes to sports. For most of us, being able to name every MLB playoff team from the last 15 years, and how many games each postseason series went, might not be important enough to occupy space in our brains, but that's why you're over here reading a blog and Steve's over there filling out yet another application for Stump the Schwab, which nobody has had the heart to tell him went off the air years and years ago.

Academics

-A few highlights from Steve's school career:

5th grade:

-Wearing one of the all-time classic t-shirts, which had really thin grey and dark blue stripes and looked like one of those outfits old-timey Russian sailors used to wear.

-Getting the stock market game shut down for the entire class as part of our group, The Crooks of Donut Island, who wrote just unbelievably obscene captions all over the Dilbert cartoons in the Wall Street Journal stock pages we were supposed to be reviewing. Regrettably, I was absent that day, so I can't take credit, although some experts believe that had I not dodged that bullet (and the subsequent detentions) I never would have landed a career in finance, where now I actually read those same articles every day for work, while some other members of that team are probably still drawing obscene captions on Dilbert cartoons.

8th Grade:

-Having announced early on that he had no plans to go on the end-of-year field trip to D.C., I knew Steve meant nothing but trouble when he raised his hand at the pre-trip assembly. After hearing a bunch of idiots ask nitpicky questions about the fairly straightforward "no open containers on the bus" rule ("What about soda cans? What about open-ABLE containers?"), Steve's timing for the classic question "Mrs. O'Leary, what are the rules regarding yogurt?" could not have been better.

-Steve and I worked on the 8th grade yearbook together. My contribution was doing the cover art and helping write the little articles that went inside. Steve's contribution was to help crop photos, except for whatever reason the way he did it (to this day I'm not sure what went so horribly wrong) made the advisor, Mrs. "C", absolutely lose her mind one day and start screaming that "Mr. McKeever" and "Mr. DeAngelo" needed to get down here this instant and explain what was going on with the photos. "Mr. DeAngelo" still makes me laugh to this day.

-Getting detention with me for unzipping McRae's backpack on the late bus so his books would spill all over the place when he got off at his stop. Keep in mind this was 100% my doing and Steve did nothing but watch and laugh with all the other kids, but the principal just assumed he was in on it because we were friends and Steve had a bit of a class clown reputation. After all, what was another tour of duty in detention for young Steve? I remember going in with him to detention that day and the proctor saying "McKeever, you can leave, it's nice that you want to keep your friend company but you really don't have to sit with him."

Also, for the record, McRae completely fucking deserved it and I would do it again 10 times out of 10. That kid was a nightmare. McRae, wherever you are, I'm not sorry, and I hope for your sake that you've shaped up. But I think we all learned our lesson.

High School:

-One teacher about whom Steve and I never saw eye to eye was Mr. Bindig. I loved the guy. He was my journalism teacher, my adviser when I was the EIC of the school paper, and wrote my letters of recommendation in high school and for the first few years of college. I will always remember him as a kind, warm, bright man with a wry sense of humor who shared my love of Brett Favre, and I owe him a great debt.

Steve, on the other hand, took no greater delight from life than antagonizing poor Mr. Bindig in his Film Studies class. He and two other kids, Ben and Al, formed a trio of hellraisers the likes of which hadn't been seen since the Philadelphia Flyers of the early 90's had the Legion of Doom. Their favorite topic was the film Brokeback Mountain; specifically, every single day, they would ask Mr. Bindig "Are we watching Brokeback Mountain today?" When he finally told them that he would have them all suspended if they asked about Brokeback Mountain one more time, they stopped doing it and went on to learn a lot in the class. Just kidding, they obviously resorted to saying stuff like "Ah, Mr. Bindig, I think I broke my back climbing a mountain!" until he took a job in Buffalo.

-Steve has more or less covered IC basketball, and says he's going to address orchestra in Pappy's profile, so I'll leave those alone for now. All I'll say is that if you thought Steve slacked off in real classes, you have no idea what he was capable of in orchestra. I think there was one concert where he literally didn't play a note on his viola, just sat there staring at the page and rocking like Leo Mazzone.

College:

-The only printable story from Steve's college experience: the time he showed up for a "stand-up" (an assignment where you read a news story in front of the camera) for broadcast journalism class, an assignment for which he was supposed to wear a shirt and tie, in a Pink Floyd hat and a "Stop Snitchin'" t-shirt. Another move that's so Cleveland Blvd I can't even stand it, and another reason you can't help but love Steve.

---

I think that about wraps up Steve's illustrious history to this point. All that's left now is the future--he has a daughter on the way in December, an awesome house on Tipp Hill, and is working his ass off (as he has been for the past few years) to make it all come together. He's going to be a terrific dad, and I can honestly say that he's the only one of my friends who I would say that about at age 23. That poor girl is going to know so much freaking sports trivia. I shudder to think that there are children coming into this world who will grow up listening to Jon Sterling and Suzyn Waldman almost 200 nights a year. It's just not healthy.

But now that I'm done crapping all over him, I really should note that I've never met a more sincere, caring person. Steve, you're a great friend, a great man, a great husband, and I wouldn't have grown up down the street from anyone else after all these years. Stay hood.

P.S. Beeb still cries at the Sarah McClachlan dog shelter commercial.

Pappy Chalmers...A Wizard a True Star

2011-08-24T08:51:00.009-04:00

Bravo to Dannymac. Amidst all of the nonsense he delivered something that I plan to print and hang in my office, as I knew that he would. It makes me sound so much better than I actually am, but I love that. With all apologies to Pappy for momentarily stealing his thunder, I'd like top quickly address the apparent controversy over my profile of Dannymac.

I'd like to first off apologize to anybody out there that I offended with my section about Dan's ex. More specifically to Dan's ex girlfriend Jess Getty. She's absolutely right that I know nothing about her, and did not portray her in the best light for not knowing her. Again, our average reader count of this blog can be counted (very generously) in dozens, so to say that I didn't think that anybody would really see that would be very truthful. Aside from that, I know it's hard to believe, but I was really making fun of Dan more than anything but I can see how it came across, so again Jess, I apologize...

As far as any other problems that people had with what I wrote, I really don't care. It was meant as a tribute to Dan, and that's how Dan would see it, and I knew he would understand. Did I throw in some parts to bust his chops...yes, I didn't want want to make it seem like a love note, and wanted to add some inside humor that Dan would be able to enjoy. If anyone out there really believes that I'm an asshole for writing that to Dan, than I'd like you to think back to the last time somebody spent hours publishing a tribute that basically called you the most well rounded genius in the world, and stating the various reasons why. I plan on following the same formula for Joe's tribute. So...

Joseph Dubroff...A Wizard A True Star

When I think about Joe, and our friendship, I can't help but think of the wide range of time periods, situations, and venues that we have been part of together. From 2000 onward, Joe has probably been in more memorable moments with me than any other person. Few if any people know me better than Joe does, and the same can be said about me towards him. There's a lot of detail and minutiae to sift through, but I will do my best, sectioning off his profile by titles of songs that Joe and I have jammed out to.

"The Spark of Life"-Joe's introduction to Wellwood

There's no specific profound moment that I remember meeting Joe. There were a bunch of new kids who renounced their religion to join public schools after elementary school. My memory brings me to seventh grade, being teamed up with Pappy in a handful of classes. I've got to be terribly honest, I had no idea what to think of him. Even as a twelve year old, he was a totally original prototype. Somehow he would always make me laugh though. Right off the bat we shared a unconditional love of sports, and music. As a seventh grader Joe was in tune with great music. While all of our peers were drooling over Ja rule and Creed, Joe was the only person I knew that age who could talk about Steely Dan, or Public Enemy with me.

Joe's love of sports, specifically basketball, was also something that allowed us to hit it off. Some of our favorite middle school basketball names included but are not limited to; Preston Shumpert, Allen Griffin, Eddie Griffin, Ty Shine, Jon Linehan, Troy Bell, and Ricardo Greer (obviously our focus was college basketball at that age and not the NBA...by the way, if you can name where all of those players went to college without googling than you can hang with us anytime). Joe, though at that age not looking like it, was ultra competitive, and a perfect person for intramurals, where he would become legendary at banking in straight on threes. Other fun facts about Middle School Pappy:

-Invited me over in seventh grade to watch the classic dvd "The Song Remains the Same." Probably not the best idea for two kids very interested in drugs, to watch an hour of the members of Zeppelin carrying out drug induced fantasies, as we watched in total admiration. When Joe gets married, I'm going to do my best to find the "Enjoy Coca Cola" logoed shirt, that actually said Enjoy Coccaine, and get it for an engagement gift.

-Joe's barmitzvah was an event for the ages. We trashed Temple Beth El with corn and cheerios, danced like we were all on E, and then played spin the bottle with all of Joe's cousins, and aunts. Only one part of that is made up

-In typical Joe fashion, he would drive our "soft like tissue paper" orchestra teacher Mr.Mendez out of his mind by plucking classic rock songs on his cello. Apparently Mendez had enough one day and snapped. As Joe was furiously plucking away at "Crazy Train" Mr. Mendez grabbed a pair of scissors. From what Joe told me, he looked so mad that he thought he might stab him with the scissors, but instead he cut the strings on Joe's cello, and then violently yanked them off the cello. Just take a second and imagine a gay teacher doing that to a middle school string student.

-Perhaps the event that put Joe on the map. One day during Mr.Stokes seventh grade Social Studies class, Joe needed a tissue. Joe was one of the taller kids that we had around at that point, so if he got up and walked to the front of the room, people were going to notice. I can't remember/don't want to remember the events that lead to this, but when Joe got up, the entire class was able to tell that he was thinking happy thoughts if you know what I mean. To be more specific, he was wearing sweat pants. So there Joe was, in front of twenty five pre-teen boys and girls, blowing his nose in the front of the room, with a chubby like it was no big deal.

-eighth grade English, we witnessed a substitute teacher of ours KILL A BIRD that came into our classroom. The rest of the details don't matter

"Memory Lane" by Nas...High School

I should have known that the comedy/music/sport Gods would pair Joe and I in the same home room for four years. During that crazy first few weeks of High School, as everyone feels out the landscape, it was good to have a running mate that was familiar with my game, and I'm sure he felt the same way.

If I was confused by the enigma of Joe Dubroff when I met him, then I'm sure many of the new people had to be equally as puzzled/intrigued. A few qualities of Joe were abundantly clear by this point though.

1. Another highly intelligent, bright friend of mine. Nothing but accelerated classes and good grades.

2. Made everybody in his classes laugh with his one of a kind sense of humor

3. Despite his different physique, and somewhat lack of speed-the dude could ball. He made up for whatever lack of athleticism he had by developing a game that highlighted the things he did well (and the things he did well he did very, very well. More to come)

These three things, among others, helped Joe become almost an underground legend amongst the land of the Hornet. Joe would never be the type that tried to please everybody, or try and fit in with everybody. For the most part that didn't matter. Being the enigma that he is, it's very difficult to explain Joe to somebody who hasn't met him. What he does have, are a series of stories and anecdotes that would make Eric Devendorf jealous. Here are some of the best, and I feel describe Joe the person to a stranger;

-Starting our freshman year, Joe decided that the everyday pledge to the flag was just too mundane. Now 99.999999% of the kids in our school wouldn't even know who John Carlos and Tommie Smith were, leave alone pick up on a tribute to them. This did not deter Joe from giving me what has to be the most underrated, and bizarre memory I have of High School. For at least four or five months, Joe, A curly haired white Jewish kid from Manlius, would imitate John Carlos during our pledge to the flag. Black glove and all, Joe would put his glove covered fist into the air with his head down as he stood for the pledge. The confused look on kids faces is with me still today. Looking back on it as in adult, it's the type of absolutely bizarre, ahead of its time humor that honestly could have warranted it's own Dateline Special, if not at least a Chapelle segment. If you weren't there to see it, and understand what the tribute was for as it was happening, then you will never understand just how funny that was.

- As mentioned in Dannymac's profile, Joe spent four fun filled years in orchestra with his Buzzer mates. To be honest, the genesis of this blog started in those classes (in my opinion at least). In a way that only Joe could, he transformed the ho-hum assignment of writing a review of our concert performances after watching them on tape, into a three time a year off the wall sports column. How did he do this you ask. Well here are a few gems from these reviews that I will attempt to paraphrase (or at least give you the comparisons) over five years later:

-' The violins in Concierto reminded me of Villanova's four guard set, with Natalie Brandt being Randy Foye.' I don't remember for sure, but I seem to remember him comparing our lead cello player Brain Howe to Curtis Sumpter as well

-'The violas as usual were a half a beat late, a la Levon Kendal's haircut being half a decade late'

-'The second violins were shaky again, a la Rajon Rondo's end of game free throw shooting

-there were a trillion other brilliant references that I can't remember unfortunately. If anyone were ever to get their hands on these though, I would guarantee that it will be the hardest you laugh for weeks

- Joe was my most trusted teammate on a series of bball squads. The members of our team were beyond stoned for all of our games, meaning that a) Nobody but Joe or I played a drop of defense, and b) there wasn't a lot of good decision making going on in those games. In order to win the most satisfying league title I've ever had (senior year basketball), I needed Joe to do his thing. I was rarely let down. Amongst the gunners and strong personalities on our team, it would have been pretty easy for Joe to quit playing, as I'm sure he was frustrated at getting stuck with us his share of times. In the end, he would provide his share of spectacular games (GET UP MR. BURNS!!!), and always a solid presence

- Submitted multiple 1,000,000,000 word editorials or sports pieces to McKeever, the editor of the school news paper

These stories scratch the surface of High School Joe Dubroff. Day to day Joe never let down when it came to always saying the funniest possible remark/comparison that our classmates served up. The best was yet to come...

"Stone Free" by Hendrix. A man with the world in front of him

Our boy Pappy went down to Penn, and graduated, which should pretty much speak for itself. The great thing about Joe is that the good things about him never changed despite being in such a different culture (except for the fact that he abandoned all his non SU sports roots, and began to root for the Phillies, Eagles, and Flyers like he grew up there, but whatever). On Joe's visits home, he always acts like we haven't missed a beat, which is the way I would rather it be.

The first few times that Joe returned from school was when I really began to notice that he had really elevated his bball game. I mean he could literally shoot from anywhere inside of 20 feet with lethal accuracy. I think he gained (or bought) a little speed and agility down in Philly, but at this point Joe is somebody that I can take with me in any venue, and know that he'll compete.

I'm somebody that has a bunch of different groups of friends that are of all backgrounds to put it mildly (think George Costanza's "worlds" rant), and Joe has not only been able to fit into all of them, but can crack every single person in the group up. I don't know any other person that I could say that about.. A few relevant post High school stories;

-Sadly, the actual quote is unprintable due to it being through the roof offensive to some. Let me just say that on a winters night in 2008 at Tully's, Dan and I were treated to a moment that I can really say is in the top five moments of my life. (Even this sentence may be offensive) Joe's quote about a recently deceased person in the Syracuse area, was so unbelievably funny, that Dan and I laughed for ten minutes straight legitimately. I'm talking like no breaths or words spoken, just falling over laughing. The only sports play that I can compare it to is the helmet catch by David Tyree in the Super Bowl against the Pats. Joe took a subject that was going nowhere, and seemingly had no options, and turned it into pure comedy gold, that both delighted the comedy gods, and made them blush at the same time. Perhaps when another five years pass, we can safely print what he actually said

-Joe was part of what would become (sorry to the fantasy football league that Dan, Joe, Ben, and others are in every year) the greatest, most competitive fantasy league in the history of fantasy sports. We had real fights, real personal bashing that went on daily, over 100 trades, name changes, and true villains. Joe unleashed some of the greatest team names I've seen, in gems such as Dutch Like Smits, SBD's A La Tayshaun, and DocEllisAndTheLSDNoNo. As a side note, Joe did NOT win that league.

-amongst my inner-city friends Joe has been given the surname Chad, because I guess he just looks that white

-I was able to meet his girlfriend over the summer, and I will give her my stamp of approval for Joe.

Overall, no profile that I write about Joe can properly describe him or give him enough accolades. He truly is as unique a person as I've ever met, and you have to be around him for long stretches to even begin to understand him. What I can say, is that Joe is the funniest person that I've ever met in my life. I can say that I doubt a person out there has more knowledge of sports, music, or even pop culture. Thanks for years of adding laughter, for being able to talk NBA, and for being as good a friend as I have.

This concludes our profiles. Hopefully you take these pieces as some insight into the minds, and histories of our contributors, and not as a chance to compliment, and make fun of each other. All five of you that got a chance to read these know that if nobody but these two read my blogs I wouldn't care, and that being able to take part in the Manual Buzzer with these guys is a blast. I hope that we continue to grow and improve.

Dan McKeever...Warrior of the Mountains

2011-08-16T15:26:00.014-04:00

I'm not sure that there's a less interesting time of year in sports than early August. I refuse to talk NFL Training Camp, and I pretend that the NBA isn't about to cancel what would have been it's most talked about, and watched season since twenty three stopped playing. Baseball has provided some good summer hijinx, but it seems kind of pointless to do any true analysis until September, especially given the fact that there are only four teams that can win it all this year. What I was thinking instead, was to mix it up a little. The Manual Buzzer, in my estimation is somewhere in the ballpark of five years old. Currently, our staff consists of Dannymac or as my mom calls him, Danny McKeever, Pappy Chalmers, better known as Joseph Dubroff (or as the ancient Israelites called him-The Burning Bush), and myself-Steve DePaulis. If there are any readers out there, no doubt they've been given a small look into our sometimes original, sometimes factual, and always impregnable minds and writing styles. What makes up the men behind these words? Well, you are lucky enough to find out. Instead of a forced sports piece, I'm profiling my partners in crime (and our friendships) in a two part tell-all, starting with Dannymac. (These profiles will be 95% fact and sometimes sappy)

The Early Days

My first experience with Dan, was on the bus in Kindergarten. Dan and I both lived on the same street, hailing from the same lower middle class area, in an upper middle to upper class school district. Now a kindergarten bus generally consists of two types of boys. The first is your totally over-matched momma's boys, who hide on the inside seat next to either a member of the opposite sex (think Forest Gump and Jenny), or a polite immigrant. The other is your loudmouth, destructive little boy. Fart jokes, action figures, and bullying usually make up this group. Dan McKeever fell into neither group. The first time I remember Dan, was that year on the bus. Somebody nudged me to go take a look at this crazy kid at the back of the bus. Upon going back, there was Dan, with a full sailors outfit on(dead serious). Even better, he was ranting about how he loves fish, and kept repeating "FISH! I LOVE FISH!!!" It was so bizarre that I can remember it to this day. I really wouldn't have much interaction with Dan until around the time that he was nine or ten, but that story seems relevant in profiling Dan.

When Dan and I truly hit it off was middle school. Being paired in Ms. Cosgrove's fifth grade puberty factory, we quickly realized that we weren't quite like the other kids. I'm guessing on that first day of Middle School, Dan surveyed the classroom. I'm sure what he saw was every person in that room wearing brand new Old Navy, Gap, or whatever was trendy for kids to wear at that point. His eyes probably next went to me, sporting a shirt that had sleeves too long to be a t-shirt, and too short to be long sleeved. This shirt went perfectly with my jeans that I also happened to wear on the first day of fourth grade, and my shoes that looked like they were straight out of the donation boxes from the holiday drive. I don't recall exactly what Dan was wearing, but I'm sure it was something eerily similar. Right there we had an understanding. While we certainly made other friends, there was always an unspoken understanding that Dan and I were raised in entirely different worlds from the ones our classmates were raised in. It didn't bother us in the least, and aside from some really embarrassing times (like when Dan said he wore a T-shirt down to his knees to cover up what was/wasn't on underneath, or when I had a boot and a shoe on at the same time) we made light of it. Obviously, we both knew/know that there were kids who grew up with less money than we had, and in far worse living conditions. The difference is that when it came to school, those kids were at least on level playing fields with their classmates. When you have no money, and you live in a district that the most affluent in the county, it makes you incredibly aware of your situation.

Dan used this to his advantage. Instead of being embarrassed that he wore shirts twice or three times in the same week, I'm guessing that he appreciated things more for going through that. The genesis of the the hard working, down to earth Dan was created in those years. Some other fun facts about middle school Dan:

1. Had a different crush on a girl every week seemingly. Erratic even for a middle school boy. The JP-C era being his Matt Clement, Edgar Renteria period if his relationships were Red Sox free agents.

2. Dude was tiny short all the way through middle school. Picture a fifty inch color version of Dick Van Dyke wearing a shiny Puma jersey and you have an idea of Dan.

3. Dude already was the smartest kid in the district by seventh grade. He probably could have taught most of our teachers at Wellwood (our middle school)

4. Dan was one of those kids that was popular without having to hang with the popular crowd if that makes sense. He had the respect of the jocks, stoners, preppy kids, and nerds. If he was an athlete, he'd probably be Robert Horry, seamlessly fitting into any team he was put on and contributing.

5. For all of sixth grade Dan rocked a flip up hairdo in the front, that aside from his Dick Van Dyke look, also gave him a Pee Wee Herman undertone

The Later Days

If the friendship of Dan and I were a movie, I would definitely have to go with the classic Stand by Me. I've often told Dan that I was River Phoenix's character, with him being whoever that main character was that had a leech on his dong in the swamp. While I was thinking it was cool to under achieve and apply no effort to a GPA probably a point lower than it should have been, Dan was in classes at least a level above me, also not seeming to care about his grades, and still managing to bang out grades that would given Bittner a wet dream. Our high school lives were probably a little different.

Our fall back was that Pappy, Dan, and I were all in (gulp) orchestra together. For four years we were able to embrace the fact that we were surrounded by orchestra nerds. This produced some of our best times together (more detail to come in Pappy's profile). We also got the chance to hit on two different hotttt(at the time) student teachers, with Ms.Missildime being Joe Dimaggio to Ms. Baretta's Micky Mantle. We got the pleasure of wearing tuxes , while our female counter parts had to dress like 85 year old Italian woman in the kitchen during our concerts. All in all, it was a fairly solid experience. When the bell rang after that first period orchestra, Dan and I would go our separate ways for the day.

Dan was always way ahead of his time. Most people early on High School try to latch on with a group, and form the next four years of their lives with their group of friends. While I was trying to fit in to all of the most popular crowds (encountering a large amount of dbags along the way), Dan found a group of solid friends who didn't care about popularity-though not losers by any means. What speaks to this group's character is that for the most part they are all very close even now, five years after graduation. What speaks even more to their character, is that despite the fact that I was a total prick, and if not totally aloof to a lot of these kids, they have always been as nice as possible to me. Looking back, I would have joined that group of high character, people with substance, over 99% of the kids that I called friends in High School. Dan was able to see that.

High School is when I remember Dan really developing a love for sports, and a great ability to write about them. I like to think that a lot of our sports conversations that took place at seven am on the bus were the inspiration to some of Dan's best work. Around our sophomore years it for some reason hit me that Dan was a Red Sox fan. I could put up with him because I could tell that he was an authentic Sox fan, and not somebody rooting for them just to be a contrarian. I've got to be honest, as much as I usually loathe Sox fans, it was hard to look Dan in the face after Boone's dinger, because I couldn't imagine how much that morning must have sucked to be a real Sox fan like Dan (until about a year later when I completely understood). Other sport memories included Dan being our backup goalie on the greatest hand ball team ever formed. Dan stepped in a la Drew Bledsoe in the 01' AFC title game in our final game, to preserve a victory in a surprisingly closely contested game. The enduring memory I have is of our "Seniors v. Weiners" backyard baseball games that featured Dan and my brother squaring off against yours truly. You only need to know a couple of things about Dan's game; He used a bat that was so small and light that he literally never swung and missed. It pissed me off so badly that I could blow the ball past every other person I'd ever faced, and yet Dan was up there swinging a 2 oz. bat that ensured contact. Dan the pitcher was hysterical. Though he supposedly had about five pitches (one of which was called "junk"), they all looked the same and were the same speed-think Phil Hughes earlier this year. Every game ended with the following things happening. Neither team could get anybody on the other team out, resulting in a score that looked like a multiples of 5 times table. Dan and my brother would seriously argue with each other over who should pitch, because one of them was getting shelled (always hysterical to me since I think each of them averaged getting about one out per game as there was a five run per inning rule). Fantastic stuff. A few other fun facts about High School Dan;

1. Had one of the all time funniest girlfriends. He went out with this girl for at least a few months, and nobody ever heard her talk. She looked and acted like Dan beat the daylights out of her (he didn't) and was keeping her mouth shut to ease her pain. That era being summed up by one of my friends asking me "did McKeever kidnap that girl?" As randomly as the relationship started, it ended, with both of us pretending like it never happened. They met over a managers special in the P&C break room, and ended it the same way. Pour one out for...um whatever her name was. (editors note: McKeever's ex Jess Getty is an avid Manual Buzzer reader and was able to point out to me that there were some parts about this point that were false. While I really only stated that she was very quiet, she took offense to the way she was portrayed. I do sincerely apologize Jess. You do have social skills I'm sure. As a matter of fact your comment on Dan's wall may have been the funniest single thing I've ever seen in print, and probably tripled our viewers. I hope that you continue to read the Manual Buzzer and comment on our articles in the future.)

2. Mckeever's greatest quote of High School. "Dude I'd do (name of hot girl from High school removed to protect the totally unaware) if she went bald." It was a million times funnier in person, especially since we were totally sober.

3. Senior year, Dan would take on one of the great straight man roles in high school history. Improbably, Dan landed in a statistics class that made Mr. Kotters class look like an episode of Leave it to Beaver. With the greatest collections of comics since the Farley years of SNL, Dan was perfect at setting up the willing heavy weights of comedy in our class. That class also included a senior picture of teacher hung up, that doubled as the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.

4. Never saw the guy in a bad mood honestly. Very underrated good trait

Post Graduate to present

When I talk about Dan to my parents, I usually make one statement. He's the only genius I've ever met who's not crazy. When you're as smart as Dan is, there's supposed to be baggage. He should be cutting out old SI's trying to find the formula to build a sports code to predict future games like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Instead, you can talk to the guy about anything under the sun, and you wont feel over matched (even though you are). The only thing that may offend you is his facial hair, that looks like Ben Nelson gave to Dan when he kicked the bucket in 2003.

As far as accomplishments, well...

-Graduated from Ohio State (I will never make Dan and Chuck high five eachother by saying "the ____ _________")

-got in a 2PAC Biggie level beef with his schools newspaper (I want to say The Lantern?)

-became a master with wood (paging Beevis)

-the only person that can go toe to toe with me on random FM trivia

-got a saweeeet job in our nations capital

-Is building my wife and I a hand made crib for our daughter

-is the only person in the world I would trust with such a task

-Most well rounded person I've ever met...and really those last two are the highest compliment that I can give

-Thanks for the years of being a true G and a great friend Dan...Pappy's profile to come

Most Offensive Fan Bases in Sports

2011-08-02T13:55:00.011-04:00

In this era of 24/7 sports coverage, social media, and sports talk radio, people have never been more passionate about sports. More and more fringe doofuses are becoming at least casual fans. The result? A mixed bag of uninformed opinions, band wagon fan bases, and general douchery. This nicely compliments the fans that already were obnoxious and made me sick. McKeever's Mets fan from his last post only backed this furher. Why just pick on our greasy black sheep little brothers from Queens though? Here's ten of my least favorite fans in sports. (Note:this is fairly offensive...you've been warned)

10. Philadelphia Eagles Fans

Typical Eagle Fan: Loud mouth white guy with an away Mike Vick jersey. Wide range of ages. He's 20-30 pounds overweight, and always has his intense game face on.

Why they made the list: Simply put; their delusional view of Donovan McNabb. Anybody remember how the eagles landed Donovan in the first place? Probably because they had sucked donkey balls for about a decade before he arrived, and were able to pick him that high in the draft. After being booed on draft day (I'm still not sure why) McNabb overcame that adversity to turn the Eagles into the most consistent team in the NFC from 2000-2009. Did he have a few shortcomings in some NFC Championship Games?-sure. Were the Eagles participation in those games light years ahead of where they were before McNabb arrived?-yes.

Oh and did I mention that there was only one season where McNabb had a decent skill player (T.O) that wasn't an injury machine (Brian Westbrook). That also happened to be the year that the Eagles made the Super Bowl. Other than that year-where they were one possession away from beating a dynasty-McNabb carried their offense. Donovan totally changed the culture of the Eagles, helping them transition from a joke team with a joke home field, to a perennial contender with a brand new stadium.

That's where the loudmouth's in Philly irk me. For every fan that's had a crush on Kevin Kolb and now Mike Vick, I'd like them to tell me what exactly those two have accomplished. Prison sentence aside, Vick's career has basically been the poor mans Donovan McNabb. All of the Philly fans who've blasted McNabb complained most about his sometimes shaky accuracy in missing open men. Those same people are cheering for perhaps the NFL's least accurate QB, and someone who will lead similar or lesser results to McNabb, especially given the league now has had a year to scout post prison Vick. I think it's cool that once McNabb began to decline late in his stay in Philly that the fans wanted him out. It's the total lack of appreciation and perspective about McNabb that makes me add Eagles fans to this list.

9. Los Angeles Lakers Fans

Typical Laker Fan: A wide variety. It can range from an over weight guy in an 85 Prism with a purple Laker flag in the back window, to David Beckham and Jack.

Why they made the list: Here on the east coast we just can't relate to the type of fans that attend Laker games. Nothing is more irritating than watching a huge Laker home playoff game, and not being able to tell the difference from a mid January game. In L.A the games are just an event, and for those in the lower deck, a cheap way to get some publicity if you're a "B" list celeb. The 2010 Finals were the most pathetic display of crowd noise/intensity I've ever seen in the Finals, and this was against their biggest rivals. As a success starved Knicks fan it makes me so mad to see a fan base treat a Finals appearance something to do before their dinner reservations.

As for the other kind of fan (Prism guy)I've never met one who had a drop of perspective or sense. For the most part they are vile leaches of society that destroy the very fabric of this nation. If one of the Prism guys Laker fans was on fire, Mike Dobesh and I would intentionally place spikes in the middle of the road to blow the Fire Trucks tires. I hate those Prism guys.

8. Phil Mickelson Fans

Typical Mickeslon Fans: White male age 35-65. They have no facial hair, and tuck their IZOD shirts into their Khakis. They are the kinds of guys you see hanging out at the bar after a round of golf hitting on the hot young bartender who's playing along to get a big tip. This is where you will also find a good number of your closet racists.

Why they're on the list: Perhaps that seems a bit extreme. I can only go off personal experience. There have been many a family reunion where a certain anonymous group of my relatives sit there and bash Tiger (pre-scandal Tiger mind you) for bringing a showy element to the game, and they would rather root for a clean cut family man like Mickelson. In other words, there's no way I'm rooting for a black dude to win the Masters. Mickelson hasn't really ever said or done anything that warrants his title of charismatic, other than just choke in a bunch of final rounds. His wife did survive cancer, but we know nothing of him personally beyond that. (Quick tangent: 99.99999% of our favorite athletes are doing grimy things in some way behind closed doors, only some happen to get caught. A brief story just to make a Red Sock less likable...In 2008 I was flying from Cancun to Philadelphia. There happened to be a rather fetching blond sitting next to me on the flight. This was in the days before Lady DePaulis and I were an item, so I figured I might as well talk to this gail. I don't remember exactly how it came up, but it came up that she was Jon Lester's ex-girlfriend-Roxy was her name. They had been together from the time they were fourteen living in Seattle, and she showed me pictures of them together as a couple over the years. She was with him when he was in the minor league's and first got called up to the majors. She was with him when he had cancer and took care of him every day. When he made his comeback they were still together. As Lester began getting healthier and dominating hitters she was at almost every game. All of a sudden one night, he sent her a text message that after seven years it was over. He wouldn't even return her calls, and was walking around with some bimbo. Now Jon had every right to break up with a girl, but it's a pretty classless manner to do so, something most people wouldn't do to somebody. If you hadn't known someone personally involved, you would only know Lester as the dominating lefty who overcame cancer, instead of being a dominating lefty who gracelessly left a seven year relationship when he became famous...Back to real life). This is probably the one group that I have the least to back my claim up with, other then every lefty fan I've ever met falls into the same arrogant, hidden racist genre. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.

7. AND1 Basketball Wannabees and Fans

Typical fan: Below average (basketball wise) inner city white kid that frequents the local YMCA and talks in broken Ebonics. Trashy facial hair, acne, stained beater or knockoff AND1 jerseys, and fake Tims are a must.

Why they make the list: Anytime these kids are involved in a real five on five, it makes the game 75% less enjoyable. Anytime these kids talk about an AND1 episode, it makes everyone sick to their stomach. I thought that this fan base would be extinct by now. However, when I spent a month going to the Downtown Syracuse YMCA, there are PLENTY of these kind left. For the most part they are rude, obnoxious, and most of the time smell like spoiled milk. To quote Peter Griffin, "they are offensive to all five senses." Good riddance and good day!

6. Auburn Football Fans

Typical Fan: Barely understandable male anywhere from 10-85. If you know how many yards the third string full back had in the big Spring football game-and yet don't know who won the NBA, MLB, and NHL titles this year, you most definitely qualify for this fan base.

Why they made the list: Really I could have put any SEC football fan in this group, I just happened to choose Auburn. For the most part, football in this part of the country is more important than family or religion. While that's fine to be a huge sports fan, football in these parts of the country is so big that a good number of those fans are oblivious to other sports going on around them. I remember an article in the Post Standard in 2003 profiled one of Auburn's finest. In March of 03' Auburn's basketball team was in the midst of a surprise run to the sweet sixteen as a ten seed. This particular fan that we'll call Bubba was interviewed by Bud Poloquin as to what he thought of Auburn's chances against Syracuse. His answer was that he had no idea, but went on to to basically name the entire A and B rosters for the annual Auburn Spring Football game. It's a fan like him that is so uneducated it's irritating. Football is the easiest to understand of the four major sports, which explains why most of the South gets 100000 fans for a college football practice, and the Atlanta Hawks and New Orleans Hornets draw about 10000 fans for a game. As a matter of fact, I'm going to group Nascar fans in with the SEC football fans at #6. They're all the same people anyways. If it wasn't for Disney World we could give the whole Southeastern United States to China and it would be cool with me.

5. Fake Soccer Fans

Typical Fan: Male, age 15-40. Considers himself "cultured," and plays in a co-ed league once a week. Watches both World Cups...and no other kind of soccer. Will get into spirited arguments with non-soccer fans for their lack of prospective on the "World's Sport," yet can't name five soccer players in the MLS, and can't name ten players world wide. More than likely they played soccer in High School.

Why they make the list: Soccer has real fans like my friend Justin, who stays up until four in the morning watching soccer that's being played half way around the world. That takes dedication that most fans don't have (as well as the ability to sleep until 2 PM everyday...something also that most of us don't have). From what I can tell, people like Justin are the minority when it comes to soccer.

I've been in more arguments with soccer fans over the years, than all other sports arguments combined, and typically it's provoked by them. After they watch a big game (like the U.S Women's Finals match in the World Cup) they usually ask my thoughts or analysis. When my reply is something along the lines of 'I don't watch soccer,' they look at me the same way the kid my mom cleaned for looked at me when he realized I was wearing his hand me down shirt in school that his mom had given to our "less fortunate" family. I don't enjoy that condescending attitude, which usually leads to a long argument. The same checklist is used against most of these cultured soccer fans.

-Is the person arguing with me a mediocre to poor athlete, who's not good at any sport that involves the use of their hands (99% of the time-yes)?. More than likely they play in a mixed league, where the best players are actually the very muscular females. If you're a terrible athlete/soccer player nobody really knows. There's no real quantifiable way to prove that you suck, because they can hide you on defense, and because you know most games are 1-0 and there are no stats to say that YOU SUCK.

-Do they try to make the ridiculous argument that soccer players are the world's best athletes? I always enjoy when I try to get them to name categories other than endurance, foot-eye coordination(is that a term?), and being a pansy that they are better athletically than other sports. For instance, is whoever soccer's best athlete in the same stratosphere athletically as LeBron James? Derrick Rose? Eddy Curry? Seriously? GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!

-Most importantly...Is their motive in watching soccer to be a man of the world, and act like a total douche to uncultured non-soccer fans? A resounding YES!!!

The next time you see one of these fans at your local Mall Barber Shop rooting for their "favorite team" during the next World Cup, just save your breath and walk away if they try and educate you on the World's game. (Please note that this isn't towards people who really are good at soccer, or do watch soccer year round).

4. Miami Heat Fans

Typical Heat Fan: Either a powerful CEO from Miami who attends games with a woman so tan that race is impossible to determine, or urbanite (in any city) who wants the Heat to stick it to the white collar dudes who are hating.

Why they make the list: Both of the above groups are out of touch. The CEO is exactly like our Laker fans, only 1000000 times more bandwagon, since nobody was at Heat games in 2009. They don't make noise, AND they wear those ridiculous white out T-SHIRTS (the only two times that the mandatory T-Shirts ever worked for me was when OKC did it the last two years, and the best ever with Golden States Golden "We Believe" shirts in 2007).

The Urbanite makes the list for supporting what LeBron did to Cleveland, the Big 3's welcome celebration that might as well have taken place at DZ it was so childish, and their blind argument that LeBron hasn't choked in the playoffs for a good percentage of his career. Being a fan of someone is understandable, but at least admit their shortcomings.

John Starks was my favorite player as a kid. I actually rooted for him at each stop after the Knicks, so I can relate to following a player to different teams. However, would it be irritating if I refused to acknowledge that he had one of the all time worst individual games in game 7 of the 94' Finals? Obviously. LeBron is synonymous with the Heat now, so by rooting for the Heat and LeBron, you fall in the category of a clueless fan, who's lack of self awareness only rivals that of LeBron himself (do all five of you readers like the total flip flop I've done on LeBron since the Finals?).

3. Chicago Cubs Fans

Typical Cub Fan: I will let a former manager familiar with the Cubs do the talking."...For the f*ckin' nickel-dime people who turn up? The motherf*ckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the f*ckin' game. They oughta go out and get a f*ckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a f*ckin' living. Eighty-five percent of the f*ckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A f*ckin' playground for the cocks*ckers. Rip them motherf*ckers. Rip them f*ckin' cocks*ckers like the f*ckin' players..." Lee Elia did a pretty good job summing that up.

Why they make the list: When I began drafting this piece, I actually had the Cubbies at number one. Perhaps my biggest problem with Cubs fans is that they are so casual about being the biggest losers in all of sports. They believe it's some badge of honor that they've continued to show up for day games to relax and have a hot dog, while their favorite team is an embarrassment. I will tell you what a good fan base does when the owners screw the fans year after year. The fans stop showing up. Want to know how I know this? I'm a Knick fan. In the words of the Mad Dog "you could have had awchewy (archery for those of you unfamiliar with dogs speech problems) pwactice in the gaadan Mike...AWCHEWY PWACTICE!!!" Knick fans simply got fed up with Isiah, Dolan, Marbury and the rest of the gang that were running MSG into the ground. The fans made a statement, and forced management to act. If Knick fans hadn't, then our favorite team easily could have turned into the embarrassing side show the Cubs have become.

What a friggin cop out to blame curses, black cats, and Bartman for your failures. If there's a baseball team that's snake bitten, it's the Indians, not the sorry Cubs. The Indians have put together GREAT teams that were put together right in the middle of the Braves and Yankees dynasties. They blew a game seven of the World Series thanks to some tough bounces, and blew a 3-1 ALCS lead in 2007 mostly out of youth. Those fans deserve a title. The Cubs have had one year where the stars aligned for them allowing them to contend, and they still blew it.

Bill Simmons tackled the topic in his mailbag this week, but it's worth repeating. It's a total disgrace to everyone involved that Steve Bartman caught the heat that he did. Mostly I blame Cubs fans though. It was OK to me that Alou got as heated as the did. Even though he probably wouldn't have caught the ball (no seriously he has maybe a 10% chance at that ball), he was in the heat of the game and reacted. The rest of the Cubs did their typical Cub duty by totally imploding (Alex Gonzalez error, Prior gagging, Kery Wood gagging in Game 7), and that was that.

Like the typical idiot fans that they are, the Cubs fans blamed Steve Bartman, and ruined the guys life as he knew it. So basically, after 100 plus years of terrible owners, ranting lunatic managers, choking over rated players, the person you're actually going to get mad at is Bartman? Let me clue you in Cubs fans, even if Bartman hadn't touched the ball, your team still would have found a way to choke. You root for the Cubs, where the only thing more pathetic than the team you root for are you the fans. I hope the Cubs go 1000 years without a World Series just to torture these losers.

2. Bandwagon Yankee/Red Sox Fans

Typical Fan: Either a celebrity who knows nothing about sports, or a regular person who knows nothing about sports. The celebrities who know nothing typically root for the Yankees, unless they are from New England.

Why they made the list: Simply put, they make the real fans of these guys look bad. If you were a Yankee fan before 1996, and Red Sox fan before 2003, than you are probably a real fan of this team. A short three person player quiz will quickly determine if you have a real Red Sox or Yankee fan.

For the Red Sox, have you heard of these three players?

1.Mo Vaughn

2. Jim Rice

3. Carl Everett

For the Yankees, have you heard of these three players?

1. Don Mattingly

2. Dave Winfield

3. John Wetteland

Most real fans of either team would think that those questions are a joke. Don't be surprised though, when about 50% of the people who claim to be fans of these teams won't know every player on the quiz.

When the Red Sox won in 2004, the whole world was captivated. The result was Fenway and the Red Sox became a merchandise machine, and the real Red Sox fans had to learn to deal with the people who fell in love with the team through "Fever Pitch," and subsequently represented themselves as a Red Sock fan wearing a green or pink Sox hat, and knowing next to nothing about baseball. Red Sox also got their fair share of bandwagoners who are natural contrarians, and like to claim they root for the Sox.

Being a bandwagon Yankee fan became the in thing when JayZ starting rocking the interlocking NY cap. Celebrities like to think of themselves as their own empires, so the idea of being a celebrity and rooting for anything but what's considers basesball's evil but most famous/successful empire is appealing. The result? Any big Yankee game you see get your Tiger Woods' and your Tom Cruise's in the front row hogging attention while the game is going on.

The thing that makes these two types of scum bag bandwagoners so annoying is that the real fans of these teams are the best in sports. Even despite being racist, and all looking like 26 year old frat boys, you can't question a Red Sox fans passion (their intelligence is a different story). Same about the real Yankee fans out in the bleachers and in the upper deck. One day, the real fans should team up to exterminate the fake fans, and go back to loathing each other after it's done, a la Mike Williams and Adam Cauger teaming up to steal weed from Aga. Until then, we're stuck with these useless pustules. However they still aren't as bad as...

1. Duke Basketball Fans

Typical Fan: Either a nerd of any race who attends Duke, or just a total 100% DBAG

Why they made the list: What's not to hate honestly. I've heard some people compare rooting to Duke with rooting for the Yankees, but that is just silly. Yes, both teams have competitive advantages due to having more resources than their competitors. The difference is that Duke has all of those advantages, AND only recruits white momma's boy who breast feed until they're twelve, and could recite you their alma matters, and would probably do a tap dance as they sang it, or they recruit something that rhymes with Smuncle Smom's who have the same conceited attiitude as their white counter parts. I've never met someone who rooted for Duke that wasn't a gut wrenching, vomit inducing prick. Anybody who could root for the ADD assistant coaches, and coach K's smug welcome back Kotter looking face is as bad as the trolls who attend the school. One day, the Cameron crazies will be stomped about by a group of wild B.C fans, and taken out of our lives. Until then, we have to deal with thier wealthy, my daddy's a captain of industry attitude. The rest of us will just have to deal.

I welcome Dannymac and Pappy's list...

Typical Scumbag Mets Fans

2011-07-31T12:46:00.004-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJOl_Nt6JLM&feature=player_embedded

I have no idea how to embed videos like Joe does so I'll just link to it.

Now, a Simmons-esque breakdown of the video:

0:01: General chaos. From this Zapruder angle it's hard to tell exactly who's fighting whom, but it looks like there are two distinct cells to the fight--"fat, sweaty, wife-beating Mets fan in the grey shirt" taking on all comers in the 10th row, and "sweaty, boozed-up, possibly-female Mets fan in the dark blue/purple outfit with the ponytail" making a hard charge up from the 9th row. They have a good mix of about 50% active fighters and 50% "hold me back"/"break-it-up" guys until...

0:08: "Woman in the grey top" battles her way up from the 8th row and makes a late charge into the thick of the fight, much like the great Zenyatta, another feisty filly known for breaking late. She asserts herself immediately by going after King Hippo in the grey shirt (which now appears to have shit all over the back of it?) and trying to push him down despite giving up about 150 lbs to this monster. This is what you like to see from a rookie--never backing down or being intimidated by the veterans, and giving the manager no choice but to keep you in the lineup. Reminds me of Josh Reddick playing his way past J.D. Drew and hitting like .650 in July or Jed Lowrie playing past Marco Scutaro at short in May by hitting roughly .900. Guys like that make TV commentators say things like "You just can't take him out right now" and "You just can't keep a guy like that on the bench forever." If I learned anything from watching Hard Knocks, it's this: don't count your reps, make your reps count. Here's looking at you, grey top.

0:09: "Blue button-down over white tee with cargo shorts guy" (who is also stealing my look from 5th grade) pulls a classic Ray Lewis here. Complete dirtbag move. First, once the fight is already a full-blown melee, and there are already about six "hold me back"/"break-it-up" guys on the scene, he decides he's going to be a "break-it-up" guy too. He actually steps over his buddy in the 15th row because he's apparently in such a hurry that he can't wait for the guy to stand up, but then lolligags it down to the fight. Then he picks the safest point of entry (behind four other "break-it-up" guys) and reaches one arm in like they're a basketball team about to tip off ("da dadada da dadada da! 1, 2, 3, HEAT!") rather than bunch of scumbag Mets fans cranked up on $8 Twisted Teas punching each other's lights out. He maintains contact with somebody's shoulder for literally three seconds, then retreats immediately once King Hippo starts really wailing on people. Sorry, Ray, but diving on the pile will not get you a 0.5 tackle on the score sheet when I'm keeping the book.

0:14: It's the money shot, the video's one true laugh-out-loud moment. Grey top woman, who just seconds ago appeared poised for a breakout year, gets her clock cleaned by an improbable 1-2 punch sequence: a right hook to the temple from "checkered shirt guy" followed immediately by a devastating back elbow from King Hippo. The harder they come, the harder they fall. Ironically, after teaming up on one of the all-time great ballpark knockouts, Checkers and King Hippo immediately start wailing on each other with some seriously painful-looking head shots. Do they not see what they could accomplish as a team, if they could only put aside their petty differences? These two could have been hell on wheels--one of the all-time great ballpark hooligan teams. The style and bravado of Checkers mixed with the creativity and reckless, unchecked drunken aggression of King Hippo would have made for a historically great tandem--the sequence on Grey Top with the assist from Checkers and the finish from Hippo was on par with Stockton-to-Malone or McNamara-to-Warrick. Instead, these guys are Israel and Palestine. Sad.

And don't feel bad, Grey Top. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap to the greats, like John Kruk diving out of the way of Randy Johnson's fastball. It's sad that her fight got cut short, but her exit opened the door for Checkers v. King Hippo, which turned out to be a hell of a slugfest itself. It's never fun to be collateral damage, but sometimes you have to trade away the fan favorite in that deadline deal to get the superstar for the playoff push.

0:22: Grey Top, reeling from the knockout, is helped off the field of battle by an older woman in a suit jacket, whom we'll call Clara Barton. (Side note: who wears a suit jacket to a baseball game? Is this woman a Senator?) Clara was cowering several rows back until she saw Grey Top get KO'd, at which point she threw caution to the wind, dove in and pulled Grey Top out. They say that mothers are capable of incredible feats of strength when their young are threatened, like lifting cars to save trapped babies, and I have no doubt that those powerful motherly hormones and the sisterly bond between all women, regardless of age, race, gender, or their baseball loyalties, be they with the proud and noble Nats or the classless, overpaid, Ponzi-scheming Mets, drove Clara into the fray to rescue Grey Top from Ground Zero (and the very high likelihood that if someone actually managed to KO King Hippo, he would have fallen backward right on top of her). If there's a lesson in this for Grey Top, it's that angels are all around us. Sometimes you just have to look.

0:35: Stadium perp walk. "Dead man walkin'! Dead man walkin'!" Two questions: (1) once you clear the initial fray, is there any conversation between the cops and the guy they're dragging out? I can't decide if silence or an attempt at conversation would be more awkward there. (2) Do they take this guy to real jail or just baseball stadium jail? Is there a designated room in the stadium where they toss drunks like this loser to let them sober up? Is it more interrogation-style, like a casino back room? Mets fans, this is why we can't have nice things.

0:55: Kudos to the guys filming for keeping quiet for the first full minute of this video. Videos like this always get ruined by some clown who thinks he's Gus Johnson yelling out his stupid take on the whole fight. Veterans like Vin Scully, Al Michaels, and these two guys know when to let the action on the field do the talking. It's like a fine wine--you have to let it breathe.

1:18: You see this view from the outfield seats? This is why I always sit on the first base side. The tickets cost the same, but you can actually see home plate. I literally have this exact same view from my apartment rooftop ten blocks away, only that's free. If I got some binoculars, Angels in the Outfield-style, I probably wouldn't have to buy tickets ever again.

"Coach! Coach! Jonny Gomes has an angel!" "Kid, he's hitting .207." "I know, but he's got an angel!"

Also, please note the crowd. Attendance has decreased each of the last three years across MLB, with the usual suspects (Boston, Philly, New York) as the obvious exceptions. The Nats have averaged 22,800 and change per night, good for second-to-last in the NL, ahead of, you guessed it, the Florida "We Actually Threw in the Towel This Year and Covered the Upper Deck Seats" Marlins. (The good news is that attendance has increased each of the last two seasons as the team's record has improved.)

As far as I can tell, the Nats rely on a few key factors to draw fans:

(1) Your ideal baseball fan is a working professional (aka has some disposable income) with a family. Most DC/Maryland/Northern Va. professionals (myself included) are imports from somewhere else, so they'll turn out when their hometown team comes to DC, but otherwise don't care all that much about the Nats themselves--for example, I went to Nats-Brewers earlier this year, and was amazed by the number of Milwaukee transplants in the crowd.

How did I know they moved here from Milwaukee? Because rather than a Prince Fielder or Ryan Braun jersey, they were all wearing Craig Counsell swag--swear to God, there were hundreds. Counsell played one season in Milwaukee (2004), played for Arizona for the next two years, and then came back to the Brewers in '07. If you're a Milwaukee fan looking to buy a team jersey or T-shirt from 2007 onward, you're buying Fielder, Braun, or Weeks, or, if you're a sucker who's never heard the term "rental" before, Sabathia. The only explanation for wearing a Craig Counsell jersey to a Nats game in DC in 2011 is that you moved here from Milwaukee for work in 2004, when Counsell was one of the few decent players on the team, and decided when you were packing that the Counsell jersey was indispensable for some reason.

This concludes my exhaustive analysis of why there were so many Craig Counsell jerseys at the ballpark earlier this year. Moving on.

(2) The highly popular teams with national followings (Giants, Dodgers, Cubs, Braves) always bring a crowd--of the games I've been to this year, the Giants series was the hardest to get a ticket for. These teams have been around long enough and successful enough to have family histories attached, much like the Red Sox and Yankees in the AL--grandpa rooted for the Cubs, so Dad roots for the Cubs, so now you do too. This is where you get the six-year-old kid wearing a brand-new Zambrano shirt and his dad wearing a Sandberg jersey riding the Metro to the game together.

(3) The ethnic appeal. Ichiro's ability to bring Japanese fans to the park is well-documented, and I can tell you from going to Nats-Mariners earlier this year that even at 37, playing for a crap team, and on the opposite coast from his home city, he can still bring 'em out. NBA teams realized this as the game started to globalize, and they now hold ethnic theme nights built around their foreign players (Turkish night in Toronto when Hedo was there, Israeli night in Sacramento for Omri Casspi, etc.). Baseball hasn't had to be as obvious about it--it's just a given that if you have a foreign, non-Latino superstar playing, you'll have a crowd from his home country. The video at the beginning of this post (remember the video?) was taken 7/29, Chien-Ming Wang's first start for the Nats, and his first start period since 2009. There was a huge Taiwanese presence at the park that night, which probably explains most of why there was such a good crowd.

(Note: I wanted to call him "Chien-Ming Wang, Steve's 'favorite rice eater'", but couldn't decide if that was racist/offensive or not. Is "rice eater" racist? I mean, obviously it's an ethnic slur, but it's not really offensive, right? He's Taiwanese. The Taiwanese eat a lot of rice. You're not really insulting him, just describing what he probably likes to eat. Plus, it's not like what you're saying he likes to eat is bad--it's just rice, which is tasty. It's not like calling him a "shit eater" or something. That one is reserved for Bobby Jenks and David Wells, who I think actually took a hunk of shit out to the mound and took a big bite out of it when he was playing for the Padres.)

(4) The Phillies and Mets. They get their own category at the intersection of Nationally Popular Teams, Teams with Recent Success and Marketable Superstars, Nationals' Division Rivals, and Teams from Cities that are Close Enough to Commute for the Game if you're a Die-Hard. With these games, you get a good mix of Cubs-style family history fans, general baseball fans that want to see Cliff Lee/Jose Reyes/etc., and Philly or NYC locals who take the train in to see the game.

The video above gets you (1) through (4) in some order of importance, but we can pretend that the crowd shown isn't a perfect storm of attendance variables--it's just a typical night in baseball-craaaaaaazy DC!

1:20: Can anybody identify this guy's accent when he says "Ah yes, a baysboll game"? I've listened to that like ten times and I'm still no closer to an answer. Russian? British? "Some kind of Spanish"? No idea. I hope this guy was just visiting America when he filmed and will go back and tell everyone in his country that they were right--Americans are fat, drunk, stupid animals who like to fight in public.

Till next time,

The Commish

A Grizzled Vets Take on Jayson Werth

2011-07-21T15:46:00.002-04:00

Dannymac did a great job in pointing out the pluses that Werth brings to a team like the Nats. I especially enjoyed the mid 2000's Mets comparison. When the Mets signed Pedro in 2005 it totally changed the culture of that franchise. It truly help young stars like Reyes and Wright know what it takes to win. It didn't matter that by the last year of the contract Pedro was in the Sterling Hitchcock Hall of Fame, designated for pitchers who's fastball and changeup are less than three mph apart. Pedro set the tone for two to three years of being a legit World Series contender-to the point that the Mets were a Billy Wagner meltdown in Game 2 of the 06' NLCS from running away with the pennant. I think that having Werth on your team certainly does send a message to everyone associated with your organization that you are getting serious as a player in the grand scheme of baseball. Werth certainly has been a good influence on the young Nats clubhouse, and given them an identity that frankly they've never had. There is much to be said about that and I agree with Dannymac in that sense.

There are a few things I think have to be kept in mind when putting Werth's contract in perspective. All the awful contracts mentioned at the end of Dannymacs article certainly were awful contracts that each could have their very own buzzer story written about their failure. The key is going back to the circumstances when they were signed for the context of the signings.

Carl Pavano

Ever want to hear a funny tirade??? Ask my father his thoughts on Carl Pavano, or mine for that matter. Carl signed a lucrative four year deal with the Yankees worth over $55 million. Carl "crash" Pavano would manage to pitch in exactly half of one season in the for year deal, and complain about what the fans were saying about him in the process (you're right Carl, what were we the fans thinking in wanting our second highest paid pitcher to pitch at least once in three seasons). To say that I hate Carl Pavano is almost hilariously understating my thoughts on him.

At the time the Yankees signed him I was fully on board. At the time he signed the deal he was coming off a spectacular season with the Marlins. He was in his 20's. We had watched him toy with the Yankees in the 2003 World Series, so we knew he could handle the bright lights (or so everyone thought). The point was, he was considered (after 2004) one of baseball's best pitchers. This is the Yankees, we had just blown the 04 pennant because of no pitching, and there is an endless amount of revenue. Did it work out that Pavano was useless-yes and then some. It was an awful deal that happen to fail, and not many saw coming (The Red Sox and Dodgers both made strong attempts to land Carl).

The same can be said for Dic-K (Yankee fans were salivating over him). Andruw Jones was an established All Star and had played well for almost a decade before signing with the Dodgers. Even Barry Zito was a former Cy Young winner, and proven playoff pitcher. Only Kei " the $30 million Chinese fry cook (as one caller to Mike and the Mad Dog called him before being cut off)" had a deal that even as it was signed people said "wait...WHAT?!??!?!?!"

Even Igawa's deal was only a three or four year deal (I've blocked it from my memory I think). That's why if Werth doesn't drastically improve I think it's the top bad signing ever. Nobody, and I mean nobody thought Werth was worth seven years and over $100 million. He was a very good hitter off lefty pitching in a loaded Phillies lineup, and everybody knew that. We all knew his age, and that he would no longer be playing 81 games a year in the band box of Citizens Bank Ballpark. I don't care what he's brought to the clubhouse. By the end of his deal it will cripple a franchise that only draws 20000 fans a game. It's not as bad as when the Yankees make a mistake and can mask over it by signing a new guy at his position for more money. Werth has played like one of the worse centerfielders in the game, and frankly I'm not that surprised. Given his age, history, ball park, length of contract and haircut I am standing behind the fact that Werth's deal WILL be the worse deal in baseball's history. That is until the Yankees sign Drew Stubbs to a 7 year $154 million deal in 2014. I'm out

MISSING PERSON

2011-07-20T11:58:00.001-04:00

IF ANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS MAN PLEASE LET US KNOW HIS LOCATION???

In defense of Jayson Werth

2011-07-13T22:12:00.005-04:00

Nobody has blogged on the Buzzer in a month and frankly I'm a little disappointed. Pretty soon this is going to turn into a full-fledged Nationals blog and everything we've worked so hard for will be for nothing. Uncle Stevo tells me he has a 2004 ALCS retro diary in the works; why he'd want to relive that series, I have no idea (except for the scene when Big Mark ejected me from his house in the 8th inning, an ejection that to this day I contend was unfair--I understand that even though I said literally nothing the entire game, my presence as a Red Sox fan might have merited a warning to both benches/couches once the Sox started to rally, but I feel like you have to show up the ump to get tossed like that).

Anyway. To business. Long day today so I'll probably keep this short (note: I said that the last time I wrote one of my popular "In Defense Of..." series posts, and I ended up spending like 2 hours on that, but I don't see that happening this time), but here goes.

Steve texted me today: "So I just happened to stumble across Jayson Werth's 1st half stats. As my only Nats source I want to know if that contract will go down as the all time worst--or just top 5 worst?"

To review: Werth signed a 7-year, $126M contract in December as a free agent. He turned 32 in May, meaning he'll be 39 at the end of his deal (in the unlikely event he remains in Washington for the duration).

First, the bad news.

-On pace for a near-career high in strikeouts.

-Seeing the fewest pitches/PA in his career (4.26).

-On pace for career high in errors (6 already, never had more than 6 in a season), albeit on many more total chances than he had in Philly (probably a function of Philly's strong, strikeout-heavy pitching versus Washington's defense-dependent junkballers)

-Power outage (note: when writing about a baseball player who has experienced a decrease in slugging percentage, you're required by baseball law to use the phrase "power outage"). Werth's OBP is the lowest since his second year in the majors (with Toronto), and his SLG is the lowest of his career; as you may have guessed, his OPS is also at a career-low .681.

Watching Werth at the plate this year, two things are obvious to even a casual observer. One, he's lacking confidence--it seems like he takes the first pitch for a strike at the knees every single PA, even if it's off-speed. Starting every AB in an 0-1 hole won't do wonders for your average. Two, he's not hitting the ball hard--his 10 HR notwithstanding, Werth looks like he's lost a lot of pop this year. The balls he puts in play for outs are rarely screaming liners that find the corner infielders.

-Could have had the same production for a much lower price. Here are the players that baseball-reference.com ranks as most similar to Werth over his 9-year career:

-Brad Hawpe

-Kal Daniels

-Corey Hart

-Curtis Granderson

-Bob Cerv

-Juan Rivera

-Josh Willingham

-Ryan Ludwick

-Pat Mullin

-Jeffrey Hammonds

One of those players should look especially familiar to Nats fans--Josh "The Alabama Hammer" Willingham, who was the Nats' regular left fielder for the 2009 and 2010 seasons. He posted a .260/.367/.496 line in 2009 and a .268/.389/.459 line in 2010--hardly the signs of a player in decline at age 31. He's put up a more pedestrian .241/.311/.424 line this season with Oakland, which, sadly, is not only significantly better than Werth's .215/.319/.362, but is probably also unfairly low because of Oakland's massive foul territory, which has been estimated to deplete an Oakland regular's BA by about 7 points a year.

Here's the part that really stings, though-- the Nats could have had Willingham instead of Werth if they hadn't let him walk in free agency, where he commandeered a cool 1-year, $6M deal from Oakland. The name is a lot less sexy, but those numbers are a whole lot easier to stomach.

-Backloaded contract:

2011: $10 million
2012: $13 million
2013: $16 million
2014: $20 million
2015: $21 million
2016: $21 million
2017: $21 million

Now, logically, we're not expecting Werth to improve in his mid- to late-thirties, so what's the Nats' angle here? The media heads have eaten up the PR explanation, which is that we expect the Nats to be contending for the World Series by the end of Werth's deal, and it won't just be money well-spent, but money that gets better with age, like a fine wine. Another explanation is that the Nats really don't intend on keeping Werth until he's 39, and will buy him out of the deal after 2013 or so, when the serious position player money starts to kick in. A third explanation, the one that I'm going to run with, is that we're going to wait until his deal looks absolutely rancid in 2014, and then deal him to the Mets, who will be going through Bad Contract Withdrawal and will offer up a handful of top-shelf prospects just to get another fix.

Actually, this whole affair has the potential to become very Mets-ish if the Nats aren't careful (and in fairness, the Nats' front office is, by all accounts, much better than the Mets' was). I seem to recall the Mets following a similar blueprint to become contenders around 2005--build around the farm system until you produce a couple cornerstone studs (Danny Espinosa, Ryan Zimmerman, Stephen Strasburg, and Bryce Harper, meet Jose Reyes, David Wright, Mike Pelfrey, and Ike Davis), make the playoffs for a few seasons, then start thinking you're the Yankees, and tragically overpay a couple washed-up/injury-prone veterans with name-recognition value in a misguided ploy to sell tickets, then continue to pay their bloated contracts once they're bought out halfway through their deals and run out of town on a rail. (I can't wait for phase three, when the owner rips the stars he's openly trying to deal in the media and cuts their trade value in half!)

But wait! There's also good news:

-On pace for best seasons ever in walks and stolen bases, a reflection of the Nats' patient hitting and aggressive baserunning philosophies

-On pace for one of his best two seasons in outfield assists, helping make the Nats' outfield (Werth and the rotation of Ankiel/Bernadina/Laynce Nix) one of the best in the majors at defending the basepaths, as well as one of the best at having extraneous "Y"s in their first names (still waiting for Royger Bernadina and Rick Aynkiel to step up in this department).

-Traditionally a second-half hitter. Hopefully he cleared his head over the All-Star Break (Tyler Clippard for the win! Earned despite giving up a single to the only batter he faced! But still!) and is ready to come back recharged on Friday.

-The intangibles. (Note: Whenever you start to write about baseball intangibles to defend a statistically subpar player, a giant red siren starts whooping in Ken Tremendous' basement. Sorry pal.)

Now, I'm as statty of a stat guy as there is, but as a Nationals fan, I have to admit that there is something to be said for what Werth brings to the clubhouse. He brings a championship pedigree to the lineup that Livan brings to the rotation, having been an All-Star and won a World Series ring with one of the most dominant teams in baseball in recent years. (My theory as to why Werth's AB music is "November Rain" by GNR, aside from the fact that it's a great song, is that it's a subtle, boasting reference to the fact that he's played meaningful baseball in November.)

Werth has never been great with the media--he appeared to set the world record for surliness when Sports Illustrated tried to profile him in 2010--and even now, at age 32, he's fidgety and uncomfortable during the puffball TV interviews after a big win. (When I was tutoring football players in college, I would watch their TV interviews on YouTube before I met with them to see what kind of kid I was dealing with--is he respectful? Dismissive? Coherent? Usually, this was very helpful in gearing up for the sessions, which led me to believe that you can learn a lot about someone by how they come across on camera, whether it's an 18-year-old kid or a 32-year-old man.) Reading his quotes in the newspapers, I often find myself wondering if he reads them, too, and if so, would he like a do-over on a lot of them. (Wait, isn't this in the "good news" section? Dammit.)

But inside the clubhouse (where, granted, I haven't been), you get the sense that his teammates have the utmost respect for him. Even when he hasn't hit this year, he's been aggressive on the basepaths--on the 4th of July, in the 9th inning, he swiped third base when the Cubs' pitcher wasn't paying attention, then hustled home and bear-hugged Ian Desmond on a game-winning passed ball. He and Livan are always the first guys you see charging out of the dugout to lead the mob at home plate when the Nats put together one of their signature one-run and/or extra-inning wins. He has carried himself like a team player on the field, even if he's not the most gregarious personality. (If the 2011 Nats were the cast of Slap Shot, he'd be Ned, minus all the offense.)

Finally, his struggles this season have not been of the "Adrian Beltre in a Non-Contract Year" variety. He cares, he's pissed, and it shows. It's plainly evident that he's his own worst critic, and it's equally obvious that it's killing him to be shuffled up and down the lineup in an attempt to find a spot where he'll start hitting.

The Werth signing was supposed to usher in the Second Phase of the Nationals' blueprint for fielding a genuinely competitive team. There's still a Moneyball flavor to the front office so far, but the days of retreads and castoffs (Wily Mo Pena, Aaron Boone, Dmitri Young, Cristian Guzman...the list goes on) are slowly giving way to the days of homegrown prospects (Espinosa/Desmond/Harper/Strasburg/Bernadina/Storen/Clippard), diamonds in the rough (Michael Morse, Laynce Nix), and big-money players (Werth, Zimmerman). Sure, there are still the bargain-bin and two-day-old leftover types hanging around (Matt Stairs, Adam LaRoche, Alex Cora), but they're now the utility players, not the starters.

So was Werth's deal a misstep? Yes and no. He's not hitting like a guy with his price tag should--nowhere near it. There's every reason to believe he peaked as a player in 2009, his All-Star season in Philly. But with that in mind, there's something to be said, as a fan, for having a guy with his pedigree in your lineup instead of having to talk yourself into rooting for a Wily Mo Pena (or even a statistically comparable, but less marketable player like Josh Willingham). When you're getting two-hit by one of the Phillies' aces yet again, even if Werth is in a terrible slump, there's a glimmer of hope when he comes up--"Hey, that's right, we have Jayson Werth!"--and that's valuable as a fan.

And however corny and terrible those last few sentences might have been, let's at least agree that Werth's Nats deal can't be the worst of all time, or even in the top-5, because that honor will forever belong to Carl Pavano's Yankee contract. (Rounding out the top 5, recent memory only, in no particular order: Andruw Jones (Dodgers), Dice-K (Red Sox), Kei Igawa (Yankees), Barry Zito (Giants)). ESPN has more here.

Revisiting the Most Painful Four Days of my Life

2011-06-25T17:16:00.008-04:00

Trading places is one of my favorite movies ever. This was back when Eddie Murphy and Dan Ackroyd were still funny. The plot revolves around an incredibly wealthy business man who gets framed for a crime and ends up on the streets, as a homeless man (played by Eddie Murphy) is sent to live the high life. There was a quote from the movie along the lines of "there's nothing worse you can do than take away a rich mans money." Little did they know that over 20 years after that movie was made, an entire fan base would re-live that quote and storyline. That's right, after seven long years, I'm ready to heal and re-live Games 4 through 7 of the 2004 ALCS...

(Note to readers: These are all thoughts from my memory. I did not want to taint them by doing research. They will be factual, however I may be off by an inning or two when recalling events so bear with me.)

Going into Game 4 of the 04 ALCS...

The hours leading up to this game will forever be known as the prime (and climax) of the Curse of the Babe. Coming off Aaron Boone's heroics in 2003,the Yankees used the 04' regular season to destroy the will of Sox nation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNAJMSALjXg&feature=related thanks MLB for not allowing this to be seen in its glory) which I happened to witness live and in person. Leaving the stadium that night, the fans at the Stadium taunted Red Sox fans so viciously that most of them just put their heads down and looked like they wished they could root for a different team. Their favorite team was in third place in the AL East, twelve games back of the first place Yankees.

After a late season streak by the Sox propelled them to within 1.5 games of the Yankees and a showdown at Fenway in mid-September. As always, the Yankees battled their way to a series win, including a series opening loss in which Pedro couldn't hold onto multiple leads,and declared that the Yankees were his Daddy. Life was good.

Both the Yanks and Sox looked good in dismantling small market foes in Minnesota and Oakland respectively. There were a couple of relevant stories heading into the ALCS showdown,and then into Game 4

1. On the eve of the series, two of Rivera's relatives-including-a 14-were electrocuted to death in Rivera's swimming pool at his home in Panama.

2. Curt Schilling popped off to the media about the great feeling it would be to "shut up 56000" fans

3. Whether was terrible and rain would certainly play a large factor in a potential comeback

4. Games one through three were won so masterfully and thoroughly that it kind of made you feel bad for Sox fans

5. John Olerud was injured in Game three, causing the salty haired Tony Clark to get the nod at first

Game 4

-Alex (I refer to ARod as Alex) bombs a two run home run off Derek Lowe in the third inning to open up the scoring. It would be the last meaningful hit he'd have for five years...literally

-Clinging to a 4-3 lead in the eighth inning, Alex strikes out with a runner on third and one out. History would have forever changed if he had hit a lazy fly ball to center

-It will always kill me that Kevin Millar didn't have to even swing the a bat in that lead off walk

-Dave Roberts...overrated transvestite

-Even after the blown save, I can't overstate how calm and confident I was about that series. In fact, I went to bed in the eleventh inning before the game even ended, assuming the Sox would win their token game at home

-Rivera was the only worry that I had. Being a closer is all about attitude and confidence. Till the day I die, I will believe that Rivera was highly effected by the deaths at his home, and didn't have any swagger

Game 5

-After a rousing game of backyard baseball with McKeever, we enter the house to watch the late afternoon showdown

- I remember that I didn't think that either starter (Pedro or Mike Messina) looked very sharp

-The bases clearing triple that Jeter got in the sixth was such a classic Yankee dynasty hit. I really didn't think the Sox had a snowballs chance in hell after that hit put the Yanks up 4-2 with only nine outs left for the Sox

- That all changed when Tom "tight as a drum" Gordon came in the game and threw up all over the field. Looking back on this series seven years later, he's one of the five goats I have for the Yankees in their epic choke. For some reason when Mr. Ortiz hit that rocket over the monster to cut the lead to 4-3, I started to panic. Apparently so did the Yankees

-This is a good time to mention that McKeever is still at my house. I highly suggest that if you re a fan of someone else's bitter rival, than you probably shouldn't watch the biggest game in the history of that rivalry with fans of the opposing team. Poor Dan was watching the greatest inning of his life-one that you knew as you were watching that it may be the start of something historical-and had to contain himself as this all was going on. The collective hate and anger from my family was tangible, not in any way friendly natured. I will give Dan lots of credit for not going crazy as the Sox tied that game. It would be the equivalent of me watching the eighth inning of game 7 of the 03 ALCS and staying under control. For the record Dan left after that inning and got to enjoy the rest of the game with is family the way it should have been. When he left the house nobody uttered anything either way, even my mother couldn't look at Dan-a Sox fan-at that point.

-Rivera getting charged with a blown save in Game 5 is the most unfair stat of all time. Rivera came in with a runner on third and nobody out and gave up a sac fly-Tom Gordon blew the save.

-Another reason I hate Fenway...Tony Clark hits a two out double in extra innings that would have scored the runner on first in every park in the majors...except Fenway. That joke side show of a park has a five or six foot fence that the ball promptly hopped over. Nobody scores

-Our first (of many) mistakes by Joe Torre in the collapse. Jason Veritek is catching Wakefield's knuckle ball in extra innings at the same rate that Ray Charles would have. I mean he probably caught at most 50% of the pitches Wakefield threw. The Yankees did have men on base too. And yet, not one frigging stolen base attempt. The seriousness of the situation was growing with each out, and inning where the Yankees weren't putting the Sox away.

-Most of games 4-7 seem like they happened in a flash, like some kind of avalanche. There were only two instances in the series that seemed to take place in super-slow motion. The fourteenth inning of Game 5 is one of them (the other will be mentioned). I can remember poor Estaban Loaiza was the sacrificial lamb that was sent out for that brutal half inning. After what I remember to be a lead off single to Damon, he eventually made it to third base with two outs. This sets the stage for one of the most painful at bats I've ever witnessed. I've got to hand it to Esteban, for being such a crappy pitcher, he put up a pretty good battle. He made quality pitch after quality pitch which Ortiz would promptly fight off. That's what great hitters due when they're in a steroid induced zone. In the roughly three minute, twelve pitch at bat we all knew we were delaying the inevitable. Ortiz was going to end this game, and sure enough he did-he fought off a cutter and plunked a single to center field, Damon scores, game over, we are headed back to the Bronx for game 6.

Game 6

-I could hardly sleep after Game 5. Losing back to back historically painful games will do that to you

- To say that I was nervous that Jon Leiber was my team's game six starter is one of the biggest understatements I've ever made

- I want to publicly vent my feelings on Schilling and the bloody sock since facebook and Twitter were not around in 2004...

Curt Schilling's game six performance from a pitching standpoint was masterful, and one of the most clutch performances that I've ever seen in my life. HOWEVA, in regards to the bloody sock and such, I don't now or ever want to hear about it. First of all, this was game 172 of the season for both teams, so all pitchers involved are hurting by the end of October. Certainly Schilling had a serious injury. I'd like one thing explained to me though. If this injury was so mortally serious, how did Schilling still manage to keep his velocity in the low to mid 90's all night? Anybody who's ever had a serious ankle injury would tell you how impossible the thought of going into a full wind up and powering through a pitching motion and be able to throw 94 MPH would be. If Curt went out there and gutted it through six innings throwing 85 MPH throwing slop up there that would be one thing. Schilling was throwing 93-95 with a devastating split for 100 pitches, and you re telling me he was that seriously injured? Please. As for the blood on the sock, you really can have the same thing happen when you have a blister, it's happened to me and lots of people I know. What was happening, was his foot exploding within his sneaker? Schilling pitched an unreal game, but it makes me sick when I hear people speak of how he battled through the frigging bloody sock. Sometimes fans and the media just manufacture a hero, and this is one of those times.

-Mark Bellhorn was probably the worst position player not named Tony Clark in this series. The guy totally sucked. He was a strikeout machine-and yet he always scared me for some reason even though I couldn't justify it. In the fourth inning of game 6 the homeless mans Johnny Depp hit a 319 foot opposite field home run down the 318 left field line. In the blink of an eye, 4-0 Sox. Beyond panic.

- I've now had almost seven years to reflect on the eighth inning. At the time I really did feel the Yankees were making their classic comeback like always. The rally was in full swing when Alex hit his famous chopper to Bronson Arroyo. I've waffled back and forth many times on how I felt about the karate chop. My final stance? I defend it. Put it this way, it very nearly almost worked. I mean Alex could either have let Arroyo tag him out, or he could pull a fast one. Baseball is a game all about pulling fast ones and getting away with it. If you remember the initial call on the field had him safe. If it stands a run scores (making it 4-3) and there are runners on first and second and one out. Say and hate all you want, if the umps don't get together it easily could be the Yanks that we talk about with another epic comeback. Instead it's just a really funny way to rile up the McKeever family when you bring it up.

-On the short list of MVP's for the Sox comeback, Keith Foulke has to be near the top. He was spectacular in the series. The bottom of the ninth in game six was the other instance in the series that felt like it lasted hours. Maybe it was because of how sickening the thought of a game seven was. Anyway his at bat against Tony Clark (who was the winning run) was long, gutsy,and ultimately painful. When Foulke fired a 3-2 fastball past old man Clarke the Sox had done the unthinkable

Game 7

-The night of game seven had the strangest feel to it. My family went out for dinner before the 8:30 start. We all were saying the right things that fans should say. All of us were trying to convince ourselves that the Yanks had a prayer that night. We all knew though, so the mood was almost like we were on our way to a funeral. Nobody ate too well.

-I'm almost glad that the Sox stomped Brown and Vasquez in the first two innings. I'd rather that than have had Ortiz hit one in the upper deck in the eighth inning to break a tie. Instead, we kind of just laughed when Caveman Johnny popped up a Grand Slam into the first row to make it 6-0. For the record, we all went to bed before the third inning.

-To say that Kevin Brown and Javier Vasquez are the most gutless pieces of crap I've ever had to watch is not strong enough. If those two golfed with Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright, somehow there wouldn't be a winner at the end of the round.

-The series was over. For all I know the final score of game seven was 12-0. The curse was over

Some thoughts:

-My parents were cool and didn't make my brother or I go to school the next day

-The real heroes for the Sox; Ortiz (and Ortiz's batch of HGH), Foulke, Francona, Roberts, Mueller, Bellhorn, Damon(only for game seven, can't explain how awful he was the rest of the series)

-The real goats for the Yankees; Tom Gordon, Kevin Brown, Javie Vasquez, Tony Clark, Joe Torre

-The genesis of the choke began with a great ninth inning in game four for the sox. The only real thing you can get on Rivera for was the walk-totally indefensible. Game five was Gordon's choke masterpiece. Nobody after that (besides Torre) really choked. Game six you could say the same, Leiber basically had one bad pitch. The point is that until game seven the Yankees didn't choke so much as the Sox gained enough steam, and had Ortiz on one of the great postseason streaks ever. Than in game seven they were practically coughing up vital organs onto the field.

-The collapse was really a snap shot of the Yankees that season. Going into the season the Yankees lost Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite, and David Wells from their rotation. Yes, the Yankees had a loaded lineup, but their staff had no ace, no stopper. Really that's the only way that a team can lose a 3-0 lead in a seven game series. The Red Sox probably were the better team that year. They had better pitching, a deeper lineup, and much better chemistry. In pure baseball terms they were the ones who deserved to win, even though there are about 20 plays in the series the Yankees could have made to win, and the Sox need about 50 hings to break right to have the chance they did.

-Looking back, we will never see a sporting event like those four games. It was Hollywood, Broadway, Shakespeare, everything. Given the history, the way the season before had ended, the grandiose style of the comeback, and the markets involved, nothing in baseball's future will ever match it. It was a privilege and a disaster to be apart of. I certainly was never the same fan after watching that, almost like I had been baseball raped. Along those same lines it's one of maybe four sporting events that I will remember every grim detail about as long as I live. Hope you enjoyed it Sox fans. You sent us Yankee fans to the poor house while you went to the penthouse.

Could It Be?

2011-06-16T23:37:00.004-04:00

Wait a minute--am I reading this table right? Does that say the Nats aren't in last place?

National League
EAST	W	L	PCT	GB	HOME	ROAD	RS	RA	DIFF	STRK	L10
Philadelphia	44	26	.629	-	28-12	16-14	292	231	+61	Won 7	8-2
Atlanta	39	31	.557	5	18-15	21-16	273	238	+35	Won 1	7-3
NY Mets	34	35	.493	9.5	15-17	19-18	292	299	-7	Lost 1	6-4
Washington	33	36	.478	10.5	17-12	16-24	270	266	+4	Won 6	7-3
Florida	32	37	.464	11.5	15-22	17-15	270	305	-35	Lost 7	1-9

To paraphrase the late, great Mike Tyson: New York, we're comin' for you! Our style is impetuous! Our defense is impregnable! There's no one that can match us! We want your HEART, we wanna eat your CHILDREN! Although, actually, if the Mets keep balking in the winning run like they did tonight, maybe we can step off the gas a little.

Two other columns worth pointing out: Last night's game gave us a green number in "DIFF" for the first time all season, and our current six-game win streak is the best in baseball (...other than the Phillies' seven-game streak). Zimmerman's back, Morse, Espinosa and Nix are all on hot streaks, and the starters have been lights out. I'm not saying I'm reserving my playoff tickets yet, but am I going to let myself get my hopes up for the Wild Card in a weak year in the NL? You bet!

"If this gig doesn't work out, I'm going right back to being the lead singer of Puddle of Mudd. 'I LIKE THE WAY YOU SMACK MAH ASSSSSSSSSS!!!!'"

Life is Good

2011-06-16T00:24:00.002-04:00

Worked a ridiculously long day today. 10.5 hours straight of banging keys. Here's what made it better:

-Beckett throwing a one-hitter against the Rays, who are sneakily one of my most hated teams

-Bruins win the Cup for Boston and for America against the dirtbag Canucks

-Nationals win their 5th straight as Livan Hernandez throws a CG shutout and Michael Morse homers twice. By the way, Morse is hitting .312 on the year with 12 homers, and has hit .373 since moving full-time to 1B. Who was it that suggested that again? Of course, moving Morse to the infield has opened up playing time for Laynce Nix (who had a key 10-pitch AB last night that resulted in him drawing a game-tying walk) and Roger Bernadina (3-5 tonight with an RBI double). Why I'm not a GM by now I have no idea.

-A dozen wings with ranch and celery at Clyde's, plus a handful of ice cold Yuenglings

And now it's time for bed, just felt like sharing. This is one of those days where sports more than makes up for the stress of the workday. GOOD NIGHT NOW.

Slammys Part 2 presented by TV Lands hit new sitcom "Hot in Cleveland"

2011-06-15T14:43:00.002-04:00

A few finals thoughts before we get to the Slammy's:

-Perhaps everyone who picked the Mavs to win the Finals weren't racists after all
-Dallas won this series because of their defense, specifically in Games 2 and 4. Miami still shut down the Mavs for the first five games. What I never in a million years would have expected was Dallas to step up to the challenge and totally take the Heat out of their offense, especially in those two pivotal games
-As much of a little boy as he is, if Miami had consistently fed Chris Bosh the ball, we may be talking about them as champs today. If for no other reason, to put Dirk or Chandler (both of which NEED to stay out of foul trouble to win) in foul trouble, or tire them out. Also after a couple shaky games to start the series, he was effective later this series in his limited touches
-Dirk would not have his ring if not for JJ Barea and Jason Terry...let that soak in for a moment
-DeShawn Stevenson is my new favorite crazy player in the league narrowly edging Captain Jack
-There isn't enough space or time for me to discuss what happened to LeBron in this series
-Dirk is the best basketball player on the planet right this second

On to Part 2 of the Slammy's

Dan McKeever/Yovani Gallardo Award for Worst Annual Fantasy Duo

Every season I have the same strategy in fantasy baseball. First and foremost I load up on starting pitching (I've had Doc Halladay every year that I've ever played), because that's half of the game, and I can never figure out why people pick one or two mediocre starters in fantasy baseball and expect to compete. The other strategy that I have is to get elite infielders at every position. Elite infielders are the scarcest in the sport, so usually in the first seven rounds, I will have spent all of my picks on starters and infielders/catcher(s). It's proven to be a great strategy,as I'm generally successfull in most leagues I'm in. However, it also means that my outfielders normally blow donkey balls. For the third year in a row, I'm stuck with the least exciting player to ever own as my third outfielder...Bobby Abreu. It's become a part of summer that I just accept and move on now.

Miguel Cairo Punch and Judy Award

Sadly...Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter along with Mo is my favorite baseball player of all time. He's been a part of my day to day life since first grade. No baseball player will ever mean as much to me. His credentials speak for themselves, and is an athlete who actually got better on the biggest stages. He made the greatest defensive play off all time on his flip to get Jeremy Giambi at the plate in the 2001 ALDS (I have always been a fan who kept perspective and wasn't blinded to make ridiculous claims about my team. So when I make this claim it's what I truly think. When you factor in the situation of the Game-Yankees clinging to a 1-0 lead in the seventh inning, the situation of the series-Yankees trailing 0-2 in the ALDS to the pitching heavy A's who had two home games in a row coming up, and what it meant-it single handidly saved the game, series, and lead to the Yankees making a seventh game of the World Series and rejuvenating a city under crisis in New York by playing in one of the greatest baseball series ever played. That's the context. The actual play itself is breath-taking when you truly think about it. First of all, I believe that no SS in baseball would have been within 30 feet of where Jeter was on that play-it was pure instinct at it's best. More under rated is the fact that once he was in that position, to make that play accurately to flip the ball to the right spot as he was running so hard to his left that he started to stumble just made that play something that I will tell my grand kids about one day after they change my diaper. OK now back to 2011). That's why it's so painful to watch Jeter get up there and do his best Scooter Rizzuto impersonation by not being able to get the ball to the warning track anymore. I would absolutely pay for a batch of steroids for my favorite Yankee.

Billy Bean era Oakland A's award for "Wait their cleanup hitter is who?" award for sorriest lineup

The Oakland A's...and their cleanup hitter last night??? Josh Willingham hitting .234 on the year. Wow. Even better. Their number three hitter was Hideki Matsui...who's hitting .221.

2005 Adrian Beltre most shameful contract year performance

To the Mets speedster Jose Reyes. So let's see, after four straight seasons of regression, and injury as a result of not being in top shape, Jose is absolutely murdering the ball. That's convenient. Shame on the team that will inevitably give Jose five years and $100 million in the off season.

Doris Burke award for creating bad media

Doris Burke has been so offensive as a NBA analyst/reporter that her award transcends sports. How appropriate that John Sterling matched her ineptitude last night during the Yankees game. AROD hit a ball to the track, that Sterling no joke for 10 seconds called a Home Run as he began to go into all his theatrics. Upon realizing the ball was in fact caught, his reason for blowing the call was that he saw a fan in the first row stand up. You can't make this stuff up...but I love the guy.

Until next year, this has been the first annual slammy awards. Thanks for participating

Clam Newton on Jim Tressel

2011-06-06T18:07:00.007-04:00

Editor's Note: The last appearance of Clam Newton, the wisecracking bivalve, made some serious waves (and it begins already!) around these parts (Steve felt the need to call me at work to discuss him), so I thought it was only fair to bring him back to discuss the demise of the Senator himself, Jim Tressel. Work has been incredibly hectic this week so I haven't had time to write about Tress until now--not sure what Clam's excuse is.

Everyone knows you don't call in Clam Newton (recently promoted to the position of Manual Buzzer Director of NCAA Compliance and Aquatic-American Relations, by the way) to discuss the boring stuff. He's not here to rehash the angles that have been discussed ad nauseam. If you need a primer, here's the much-anticipated George Dohrmann SI investigation, here's the Buckeye homer perspective, and here's a more balanced take in Deadspin, by the normally insufferable Tommy Craggs.

"Sorry I'm so late to the party on this one too, guys. I needed a few days to digest the news, partly because it was such a complex scandal and partly because I have a very primitive digestive system consisting of little more than a mucus membrane that traps plankton, a crude proto-intestine, and an anus. I also went on a two-week bender after Osama bin Laden was killed--his decomposing body says hi, by the way--and haven't been feeling up to writing until now."

Of all the potential improper benefits that could have caused Tressel's downfall, I'm surprised that tattoos were the culprit. I might be alone on this one, but I think tattoos should be a free perk for college athletes. They're a useful tool for retaining underclassmen; when I tutored freshman football players in math, most of them had full sleeve tattoos that involved a ton of Ohio State imagery (Block Os, Buckeye leaves, etc.).

These were kids that were third or fourth on the depth chart at their position and had no guarantee of ever playing a meaningful snap, but they inked their dedication to the program anyway. You're going to be pretty reluctant to transfer to another school if you have OSU decorations up and down your body. Imagine if your current job tattooed their company logo all over you once you started--how likely would you be to look for work elsewhere?

South Park would rightfully have another field day if this actually became policy because of the racial angle (who could see anything objectionable about branding the skin of unpaid, mostly black employees?), but if players are going to get tattoos of their own volition, I say make 'em free. They're as much a part of the uniform as helmets and cleats, and the players don't pay for any of that stuff.

"Before we move on, a Nautical Tattoo Fun Fact: Popeye is actually based on--you guessed it--my old friend Bobby Bowden!

If you ever see Bobby shirtless, which I don't recommend these day, you'd find that his torso and arms are absolutely plastered with tats. In his younger days, he could flex his pecs and make a little cartoon spear go through the head of Joe Paterno. Always got a laugh down at the dock!"

Anyone who thought Jim Tressel was a stand-up, character-first guy clearly never witnessed one of his press conferences. He reminds me a lot of another Senatorial Ohioan whose career in the public eye was also marked by disgrace: Warren G. Harding, the 29th POTUS. In his book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell writes that Harding's speeches were once described as "an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea", a descriptor that could just easily apply to a Tressel presser. Harding's primary qualification was that he looked the part, as did Tressel with his sweater vest, glasses, and dignified grey hair. To me, a man of character is one who says what he means and goes to bat for his values, like Mike Gundy, not one who makes every effort to say absolutely nothing when he speaks. Tressel had the chance to use some plain English and apologize for his actions, and he chose to keep talking in circles; as a result, I have no sympathy for the pinata treatment he's getting in the media.

"Speaking of the media, a lot of prominent writers and publications have labeled Tressel as a spineless bottom-feeder. As an invertebrate that lives on the ocean floor, I take extreme offense to that characterization. The Aquatic-American Anti-Defamation League and I are starting an ad campaign along the lines of the "When You Say That's Gay, Do You Know What You Say?" commercials, except instead of Hillary Duff and Wanda Sykes, we're retaining the services of Mr. Eel Patrick Harris. My slogan suggestion: 'Nothing Nice To Say About Scallops? Then Clam Up.'"

The news broke this afternoon that Terrelle Pryor, arguably the biggest cause of the entire scandal, has ended his once-promising football career at OSU, and is weighing whether to enter the NFL supplemental draft or finish out his senior year and obtain his degree (yeah, RIGHT).

I think some NFL team takes a flyer on him, providing they resolve the lockout (and they better, or I'll probably threaten to kill myself a la Stanley the Adult Baby, but that's a different topic for a different day), but he'll be going in as a tight end prospect first and a quarterback second. His character issues and graceless exit from OSU now overshadow how brilliantly he played in college, and no front office guy who wants to keep his job is going to feel comfortable recommending Pryor for such a crucial position, especially since his bona fides as an NFL-style pocket passer were still considered questionable. That the Panthers spent their first pick on Cam Newton, a very similar player with similar off-field issues, works in his favor, but the untimely death of Josh McDaniels (who bet it all on Tim Tebow, another run-first QB/athletic freak with dubious potential as a passer) works against him. Ultimately, I think Pryor projects as Matt Jones, the Sequel, which isn't a compliment.

"This brings us to this week's edition of one of our most popular segments, Ask Clam Newton.

Reader 'Chris Paul Super Bowl' writes:

'Dear Clam,

At Ohio State, we often debated how Pryor should make his grand entrance once he committed as a recruit. Suggestions included 'hatching' from a giant Buckeye nut at half court during a basketball game, then sprouting angel wings and soaring around Value City Arena; emerging from under the turf at midfield during a football game nude and covered in lava; and Pappy Chalmers' suggestion, which was to have Tressel lead a group of reporters to a tree in Buckeye Grove, announce "Let's see if we can't shake a Buckeye out of this tree," and shake a concealed Pryor loose from the branches.

What's Pryor's grand exit?*

Yours drooly,

Chris Paul Super Bowl'

Well CPSB, I can think of only one fitting exit. Pryor needs to disintegrate President Gee with his mind as his eyeballs turn pitch black, and then, in a moment of clarity, beg AD Gene Smith to kill him before destroys everything, a la the end of X-Men 3: The Last Stand. (Note that Tressel plays the part of Cyclops in this analogy.)

*Editor's Note: The actual question was only this sentence. I added the rest. BUT IT'S ALL TRUE!

**Editor's Note, again: CPSB wrote back with a better suggestion: Pryor raises his hands in the air while it's raining, then waits for DeVier Posey to reunite with him on a beach in Mexico, a la Shawshank Redemption.

The notion that Gene Smith and Gordon Gee knew nothing is absolutely absurd. The SI article points out that young Buckeye fans (age: approx. 8 years old) knew that the players hung out at Fine Line, and would often stake the place out seeking autographs. By claiming ignorance on Smith and Gee's part, Ohio State is either a) lying through its teeth, or b) proclaiming that its top brass, with compensation packages in the millions of dollars and specific charges to maintain NCAA compliance, was so clueless that its detective work was outpaced by that of a bunch of 3rd-graders.

What Tressel did here was to fall on his sword (as Deadspin pointed out) by making sure that the FOIAble communications he had on the matter excluded Gee and Smith. I would bet my life and every dollar I have in the bank that Tress told Smith and Gee verbally, face-to-face (where no record is generated), about the infractions.

It's also a little disturbing to me that the media have been so quick to exonerate Gee and Smith because public records requests didn't implicate them. They should be considered guilty until proven innocent, and the records requests don't prove their innocence. This smells like lazy journalism--to admit that the records requests don't tell the whole story would be to admit that there's more work to be done, and the media jackals have no interest in that now that Ohio State has fed them Tressel.

"Before I forget, here's your underwater-themed tune for this week: "The Fisherman" by the late, great Leo Kottke. Never fails to bring a tear to each of my 100 or so simple eye-like structures.

Until next time,

Clam"

A Response to "Time for the Hating to Stop"

2011-06-02T22:41:00.006-04:00

I understand why Steve wrote what he did about Lebron. The difference in opinion was captured by the annual Q ratings that ESPN publishes. Steve and I went to the same high school and he is 100% right when it comes to the reaction. Loyalty is overvalued, especially by many NBA fans, but it shouldn't be. It's an economic business.

My issue with it is not race. I am clear, like Larry Bird, and anyone will say that it's still about race. It's about my disappointment with how competitive balance is disappearing from the League. Players like Lebron and Wade can carry teams by themselves, both economically and competitively. Lebron spurred an amazing revival for the Cavaliers. Who would've thought in the six years he spent in Cleveland minus his rookie year, the team had minimum yearly capacity of 94%? And he's a pretty damn good player too, averaging 27.7 PPG, 7.0 APG, and 7.7 RPG for his career. Those numbers are unreal, and they held up this year (26.7 PPG, 7.0 APG, 7.5 RPG). In the playoffs, he's grabbing 8.7 RPG, blocking 1.4 shots per game, and he is down by nearly one turnover to 2.8 per game. While the rule is 2 Hall of Famers or don't even think about seeing the Larry O'Brien trophy, Dwyane Wade absolutely dominated the 2006 Finals. Shaq shot 29% on free throws and only averaged 13.7 PPG in the series. Antoine Walker shot too damn much, and Wade shouldered the scoring load as everyone else focused on shutting down the Mavericks and hitting the open shots, which no one had to consistently do during that series.

But now they're playing together because they're friends. I don't think that Isiah and Jordan were friends (see: here and here). However, Jordan was friends with other NBA players, like Barkley (kind of playing into Jeff Van Gundy's mind games theory). But Jordan, like other players during the 1980's and early-to-mid 1990's, had a different perspective on collaboration: if you were the alpha, you ran by yourself and you ran your pack until, like Barkley, you realize that you aren't able to handle the responsibilities of providing stats. Sure, some alphas don't realize that they sometimes can't provide like they once did (see: Jordan in Washington). But they were willing to isolate themselves and prove themselves alone.

Lebron, who in no way lived a cushy life, has a different perspective on how this friendship should manifest. You can see it in More Than A Game, the documentary that followed Lebron and his St. Vincent-St. Mary teammates through high school. The title speaks volumes about Lebron: I bet he loves basketball, but he values what it has given him: his best friends from before he became famous. Hell, he always said if he'd decided to go to college, he would've gone to Akron because two of his high school teammates, Dru Joyce III and Romeo Travis, were playing there.

My problem with Lebron is that he embodies this change. He is a great team player. It is ridiculous how talented he is. The man has amazing touch from everywhere, he could average a double-double every game if he wanted to focus more on crashing the boards or became more pass-first in his approach.

But Lebron has changed a standard that made the NBA so great: the greatest player never banked on another star to help him get a ring until his prime ended (see: Oscar Robertson, Gary Payton). Now, Lebron has helped to decrease competitive balance within the League by making these partnerships more acceptable. This summer, if the Hornets get contracted, we will probably see Chris Paul end up with the Knicks to team with Amar'e and Carmelo. As Steve points out, it remains to be seen whether Melo and STAT will take the opportunity seriously and step up their defensive games. I mourn the time when stars went for it on their own or with one companion followed by a supporting cast. But I cannot fail to mention, I am extremely excited to see these teams gather great players and wage more classic battles like we've seen throughout these playoffs.

Time for the Hating to stop

2011-06-01T10:16:00.005-04:00

The Slammy's will make a triumphant return next week. They had to be put on hold as Johnson and Johnson is being sued for being the company that killed all of the dead babies in the dead baby jokes...a strange twist of irony. In light of these recent allegations we here at the Buzzer are cutting ties, and currently looking for a new sponsor to our awards.

As for the finals...
I'm not sure they're even worth analyzing. This series is over in four or five games. Last night, James and Wade rarely got in the paint. They became jump shooters exactly the way Dallas wanted them to. Chris Bosh was 5/18 at one point late in the game. TWO of Miami's starters did not have a single point...And yet the game wasn't in reach for Dallas by the six minute mark of the fourth quarter. Miami's defense is that good. There are too many athletes for the finesse Mavs to handle.
Honestly, I'm going to give this Heat team some credit. When LeBron announced to the world he was leaving Cleveland for South Beach, in his heart, he knew that Cleveland would forever hate him. What I think he underestimated was how much America would hate him for what he did,(Keep in mind this subject I'm about to tackle is a tough one to discuss without looking bad one way or the other, but it's relevant enough that it needs to at least be brought up) specifically white suburbia. "The Decision" and the subsequent celebration in Miami over the summer was about as over the top as it gets if you re a white man in his late 40's. Nobody can really relate to all of that kind of hype and celebration that the summer of 2010 brought into mainstream America. Parents of kids at the High School like I went to would be outraged if their kids decided to leave their respective cities to go be with their friends, and celebrate like rock stars for having made that decision. Think I'm wrong for making this a race issue? Think of white folks you know personally, or have heard on TV/Internet analyze LeBron since the decision. Did even one of them have anything but bad or even hateful things to say about LeBron and the Heat-especially in regards to the decision? If you can name somebody besides Dan LeBetard (even Client 9 thought the Decision was in poor taste) than I'm very surprised.

Now look, I'm not claiming to be someone who's totally in touch with Urban culture. I do however have a lot of close friends who grew up in the inner-city, and I do work with many as well. I'm going to be honest, not too many of them really cared about The Decision. In fact, a lot of them wonder why everyone still brings it up now almost eleven months later. I'm not one who normally thinks that race would play a role in a sport like the NBA (where the root of the sport is white fans rooting for black players), but in this case I've come to the conclusion that it certainly has.
I've heard countless people at my work, and in my group of friends pick the Mavericks to win this series. I know that I will be blasted for this, but I think race really is a factor in that. The Mavs are a team that has white men as their three most recognizable faces. There is no real urban presence on their team, there are no high-flying show boaters, and they share the ball as well as anybody. The Mavericks have paid their dues, and have put years into making their team a title contender. The media and suburbia have a comfort level with a team like the Mavs, and deep down believe that they have done things "the right way."Much like the Fab Five, the Miami Heat represent things that my Father and Grandfather can't relate to. It's perceived that LeBron is a self-absorbed jerk for his actions, and that the rest of the team are right there in his same boat. The idea of a team beating the rest of the league three on five offensively goes against everything we've ever been taught about the game.

I actually thought that Jeff Van Gundy made the best point that anybody has made about the Heat. As they were going on one of their patented runs Van Gundy said that if you took away all the hoopla and hating, that Miami was a well coached, very unselfish basketball team. He couldn't have said it any better. I watched the Knicks at the end of the season be a "me first" gunning team with no commitment to defense whatsoever. These Heat are the exact opposite. The play hard every second of every game. They swing the basketball and find the open man. Wade and LEBron have put their egos aside for a bigger cause. Most importantly, they all bust their butts on both ends of the floor. You can't name me too many other super stars or teams that do that consistently. Despite the fact that he looks like a kid playing dress up in a suit, Spoelstra actually is a good coach. It was a brilliant move to put LeBron on Terry, and essentially make him a non factor in the game.
I've hated on the Heat and it's players for the entire year. I may never like these guys on a personal level like you would someone like Shaq in his prime or Sir Charles. I've come to the conclusion that the hating from me stops now. I'm still rooting for the Mavericks, but I'm going to appreciate the things the Heat do instead of being blinded with spite. LeBron really could go down as the greatest player that's ever walked this Earth, and unlike Kobe or Mike (neither of whom were/are very good teammates) LeBron is a great teammate, an unselfish player, and can guard any player in the league and hold his own. I would do nothing but hurt myself as a fan to let the Decision get in the way of appreciating a player like him.
In a week or so when we are all watching Miami celebrate after a five game series, two thoughts will run through my mind. One is that I hope guys like Carmelo Anthony, Amare Stoudemire, Monta Ellis, Blake Griffin, and DeMarcus Cousins are taking note. If you want to be anything in this league you have to play defense, anybody who says that there's no defense in the NBA should never be allowed to talk about the NBA again. Specifically Carmelo, if he isn't inspired to at least play some defense, than I can never take him serious as a superstar in this league. The same goes for his passing. If that happens than we will have one bright future in the NBA with the Knicks and Heat battling each other for the next five years.
My second thought...If youre a basketball fan try and appreciate what the Heat are doing right now. Don't let your hate get in the way. Just imagine last summer that Steve Nash held a press conference to announce that he was leaving Phoenix to team up with Dirk and Pau Gasol to make a run at a title, and that all proceeds from the press conference were going to charity-would there have been the same reaction for them??? Food for thought

The Manual Buzzer 2011 Finals Preview Presented by a rerun of Comedy Central's Roast of David Hasselhoff

2011-05-31T10:13:00.005-04:00

It is finally time to see the conflict play out: Will Dirk's magic be enough to overcome The Big 3. Sorry, Carlos Boozer, but I must go back on what I previously tweeted. Chris Bosh OWNED you that series. Maybe better strategic placement of your bag, which was probably from a huge Macy's sale, will help you get better momentum going into the playoffs.

But now we are left with a rematch of the 2006 Finals with the Heat coming out of the East and the Mavs coming out of the West, relatively easily, over inexperienced teams in five game series. Both the Bulls and Thunder will take inventory into their assets and what they will do this offseason to recover from massive disappointments, but it mostly comes down to what both Finals participants have going for them: multiple weapons that have been there before.

Both teams will try to protect their primary scorers on the defensive end. Dirk is probably going to end up having to prevent Joel Anthony gathering garbage points like Charlie Kelly or setting picks that get him switched onto Wade or Lebron, which in the best interest of the Mavericks, will require Dirk to play some matador defense and let the effective help system take over.

Dirk presents a similar quandary to the Heat, but the emergence of Udonis Haslem in Game 2 makes it a much easier puzzle for Spoelestra. If Haslem had been playing the whole regular season, or more than 13 games, no one would be dwelling on the Heat's losing streaks and struggle against the League's elite. But now he provides exactly what Miami needs opposite Bosh. While he struggled in Games 4 and 5, and only saw garbage time in Game 1, Haslem showed himself ready to defend whatever scoring big man would be thrown at him. However, I just doubt that Haslem, at 6'8", has the discipline and athleticism to guard Dirk mano e mano. He will probably effectively provide fouls, but that is about it. Therefore, it falls to Bosh, and possibly Juwan Howard providing fouls off the bench, to make Dirk earn it from the line, which is a foolish proposition following his inhuman 59-61 performance from the stripe against the Thunder. Even if the great David Hasselhoff is invoked again.

A lot is being made of Scottie Pippen's foolish comments about Lebron being better than Jordan, but I think one scenario will be the icing on the cake: if Lebron has to guard Dirk late in the game like he did with Derrick Rose in the Conference Finals and manages to shut him down. I hate to say it, but for how good of a defender Jordan was, he did it mostly on help defense. His most famous defensive play in what I consider his true final game, Game 6 of the 1998 Finals (The Wizards never happened, OKAY?!), came when he helped off of Jeff Hornacek. It was Scottie's job to guard the best offensive backcourt player on the other team, which is probably why he felt spiteful enough to say what he did about Jordan. And when he did get stuck on the other team's best offensive player? Check this video out:

I know this is only one play and near the end of MJ's career, but even then, you have to play smarter and not be made a fool by a young bull like that.

Back to the Finals with the prediction: I think Kevin McHale is right; the Mavs have turned a corner defensively with Tyson Chandler and Brendan Haywood providing the best 1-2 punch at the position in the League. The defensive matchups will be difficult for the Mavs, but as Jason Kidd showed in the Conference Semifinals, he can guard the best because of the support system he has behind him. It will be especially helpful to have DeShawn Stevenson, a man who appreciates Abraham Lincoln's presidency quite a bit, to help out with the defensive burden. Whoever the Heat throw at Dirk will not have the patience to guard him, so I expect him to see the line a lot. Unless the Heat double him, in which case Dirk is smart enough to dish it out to the other three 3-point shooters available to him.

But again, Lebron is Lebron, and Wade is Wade, and for how terrible people think Bosh is, I don't think there is a better third-best player in the League right now. Miami will give them fits with a spread floor with Mike Miller and Mike Bibby, or as I like to call them, "Weird-Lookin' Mikes," spotted up from three. In desperation, James Jones might be added to the rotation, but Haslem's ability to defend, and Jones' complete lack of it, probably means he gets no time.

I have to go with the team that is on fire and has more weapons it can utilize. I just feel like Lebron and Wade will start isolating, which will make them much less effective and lead to the Heat's downfall. Mavs in 7.

Manual Buzzers First Annual Slammy Awards presented by Johnson + Johnson's Baby Oil

2011-05-27T15:39:00.005-04:00

As I sat there and watched Chicago pull the biggest gag in a single game since the 07 National Title game-strangely enough also involving Derrick Rose-it made me just about sick realizing that after all of the basketball that I watched this year, it's going to culminate in the Miami Heat winning the NBA title. It's enough to make me want to puke.

I've been so into the NBA this year, that baseball has taken a backseat thus far. Maybe like how Kobe's older in basketball years than his real age because of how many playoff games he's played in, than a similar principle is true for me as a baseball fan-I've watched about twice as much baseball as a non Yankee fan because of all the post-season games I've watched since 1995. Going into spring training I just wasn't as into it like I normally am. The NBA took most of my attention, and quite frankly I wasn't (and still am not) in love with the Yankees roster. I just don't understand how they saw the writing on the wall with a lot of their older players and did nothing about it. More importantly, I'm not sure how you have unlimited resources at your disposal and come out with that rotation. I guess those factors made me neglect a sport that I religiously follow. It seems almost blasphemous that I haven't truly written a baseball column yet. On the heels of me watching that debacle in Chicago (and perhaps hating the NBA now if Miami wins), I thought it was a good time to introduce the Manual Buzzer's first Annual Slammy Awards presented by Johnson and Johnson's Baby Wipes. Without further ado:

Bobby Crosby Award for the most hyped young player who hasn't and probably wont accomplish jack

Hate to say it, but our very own fat toad Phil Hughes. This guy was once the number one minor league prospect in all of baseball. In a career that is now into roughly it's fifth season, Phil has essentially had two productive stretches in his entire career. One of them was as a setup guy. Two things are abundantly clear to me. One is that he will never stay healthy for consecutive seasons. Two, the seasons that he does stay healthy all year, he will be worn out come playoff time. The two years that he actually did pitch the whole year, he looked like he was going to throw up he was so fatigued by October.

I'm not saying that he can't be a fourth of fifth starter for the Yankees someday (but expect a minimum of ten starts a year missed on the DL), but he never will be an ace or a game changing pitcher for the Yankees.

Lou Piniella in Tampa Bay award for manger who looks the most like they get blackout drunk after or possibly during the game

A tie between Eric Wedge, and Ron Washington. There's not even anyone else in their stratosphere's. As I mentioned once to dannymac, can you imagine what it's like when Josh Hamilton and Ron Washington are on the road together. What are the odds that they "stay back at the hotel" when the rest of the teams and coaches go out together, as they call up some local merchants. As for Wedge, he has the same demeanor and look as Quint from Jaws, which makes you categorically eligible for this award.

October 2006 Kenny Rogers award for best random performance by a washed up player who was 99.99999% likely to have been aided by steroids

To our boy "The Giambino" for going yard three times a couple weeks back for the Colorado Rockies. I couldn't have put it any better than the text Big Mark sent me that night. " Giambino hit three dingers tonight. I didn't even know he was still in the league." Yep, that must have been a pretty good batch to wake up that dusty hasbeen.

Derek Bell "Operation Shutdown" award for the player who is giving the least effort this year

This award became wide open once Uncle Manny hung em up. There's a lot of ways I could go here, but I'm going to have to go with Milton Bradley. I understand a guy can have anger management issues and have trouble getting them under control, but when it gets to the point where you know that you are on your way out of the league because of this fact, than I actually have to question how much you want it. It's ridiculous to think that anybody could have that much trouble getting themselves under control, and not be a psychopathic serial rapist or something. I think Milton has made his money in the game, and he's just trying to get himself thrown out so he doesn't have to play.

David Ortiz award for player obviously using steroids that nobody realized as it was happening

Derek Jeter

2007 Baltimore Orioles award for team that will fade after memorial day

This is an easy one. The tribe. Their young pitchers are not nearly talented enough to hold up over 162 games. Watching them lose two out of three to the socks when they could have made a statement just confirmed that point. Don't get me wrong, they may stay in the mix just due to how sorry the AL Central is. They however will be no factor when it comes to October.

Moises Alou award for nastiest injury

That would be Buster Posey. That may actually be the winner for the next five years.

Tanyon Sturtze/Scott Proctor Award for Yankee reliever who's arm may fall off by August

This year David Robertson gets that distinction. A huge mistake by the way. Robertson has a rare ability to strike out hitters without throwing 95, he's young, and by all accounts is a very good teammate. When you look at him though, he's a tiny dude, and pitching as much as he does is a recipe for disaster with his arm. I predict either or major injury, or a major decline in performance by the end of the summer.

Curt Schilling award for Red Sock that I hate the most

That may be another reason I wasn't as excited about this season-there aren't really Red Sox that I hate this year. Look, you can sign Varitek and Youk up for this award every year, but that's nothing new. Neither stand out anymore. This version of the Sox is kind of boring, like those lifeless mid 2000's Yankee teams. There's no characters or people who pop off. It's actually quite disappointing.

Stay tuned for Part 2...

Fixing the Nats

2011-05-23T22:17:00.005-04:00

The Riggler: The Handsomest Man in Baseball. By Norman Rockwell. $85 at the Manlius Senior Center Watercolor Show

Greetings once again from our nation's capital. With all this NBA talk around here lately, I thought we could use a breath of fresh air. This post will probably upset Blumenthal a la my excellent "In Defense of Vernon Gholston" piece, because it tackles a topic that nobody else cares about and will probably make me seem like I don't know anything. But the Gholston piece was a gem, and this one will be too, although I'm not tipsy like I was when I successfully made the case for Vernon Gholston to be an NFL starter. Honestly, read that again and tell me I'm wrong. You can't do it.

With that said, I'd like to take this time to present...

The Danny Macintosh Blueprint for Fixing the Nationals, in Five Easy Steps™

I've been to a half-dozen Nats games this season (one of the benefits of living a ten minute walk from the park, and being able to buy bleacher seats day-of-game for $5). I've also been to about that many Nats games combined over the summers of '08 and '09 (if you don't believe my Nats cred, I recommend re-reading another one of my past Buzzer gems, a dispatch from Nationals Park in the summer of '08), and started following the team seriously during the '10 season, especially with The Rise of Strasburg. My loyalties still lie with the Red Sox, but the Nats are absolutely my "team on the side"--everyone knows that if it's not the same league, it's not bigamy (the baseball equivalent of the "area code rule").

Point being that I know my stuff here, and feel qualified to offer this unsolicited plan to help this team win now. The blockbuster Jayson Werth signing sent the signal that GM Mike Rizzo wants this team to get out of the "rebuilding" mindset and start competing to win now, and I'm 100% on board. With fingers crossed that this blog doesn't preclude me from having a front office job someday, let's start with...

1) Bench Adam LaRoche

A slick-fielding first baseman hitting .172 with little power (3 HRs, 7 XBH to date in 2011) who takes 200 ABs to hit his stride every year is not a luxury a last-place team that’s struggling to get to .500 can afford. LaRoche's notoriously slow starts are doubly harmful in a Washington lineup that's starving for power and consistency, because the only way to get him enough ABs for him have a productive second half is to hit him high in the order--he's usually hit 5^th so far this year, and sometimes even cleanup, which is ridiculous given that he has 15 RBI in 151 ABs at the quarter-season mark.

At this point in his career, at age 31 (32 in November), he’s a solid backup/platoon first baseman and late-inning defensive replacement (his fielding percentage this year is a sparkling 1.000, with no errors in 412 chances). Sure, he’s probably saved a few runs with his glove this year. The amount of runs he’s cost us by hitting so poorly, however, has to outweigh it. Aaaaaand let's check the stats...ding ding ding! Using Baseball Reference's metrics, LaRoche's defense has saved the Nats 7 runs above a replacement first baseman, and his offense has cost the team 9 runs (-9 above a replacement player). To me, that all adds up to "platoon", not "everyday player" (42 starts in 43 games). LaRoche is not a real full-time solution at a key power position for a club that wants to be a year away from contending.

2) Solve the impending logjam in the outfield

The Nats have been lucky enough, or prescient enough, to have five quality outfielders on this year's team: Jayson Werth, Roger Bernadina, Rick Ankiel, Laynce Nix, and Michael Morse. The only problem is that this isn't gym softball (Coach Blackford's not coming through that door!), so you're limited to three outfielders.

Luckily, as you might have guessed, I have the answer. First, move Morse, a 28-year-old righty, to 1B full-time—it will spare his shaky knees some running, and the Nats will finally have a first baseman that can hit lefties and hit somewhat convincingly in the middle-to-low part of the order. He’s listed as 2^nd on the depth chart at 1B, so presumably he's played the position once or twice, and at 6’5” he presents an outsized target that should make up for some of the loss of Laroche’s flexibility handling errant throws.

(UPDATE: The Nats did just this--bench LaRoche for Morse at 1B--in tonight's game at Milwaukee, and Morse went 3-5 with a double and a grand slam. Did the Commish call it or did the Commish call it?)

That leaves an outfield of Nix (LF), Ankiel (CF), and Werth (RF). Nix has been a pleasant surprise, and a major bargain at $700K. At age 30, he's playing to prove he deserves a real contract. Ankiel and Bernadina are both decent hitters (although Bernadina is having the better year so far statistically, he hasn't had a ton of ABs so far filling in for the injured Ankiel) with rocket arms in center. Obviously, Werth is a cornerstone, and won't be going anywhere anytime soon, especially with his massive deal.

Under the Macintosh plan, the Nats add a lefty bat in the OF (Nix instead of Morse) to replace and upgrade the lefty bat they're losing in Laroche. Bernadina is an ideal fourth outfielder—young (26), hits well, a good (and at times excellent) defender, and--here's the kicker--very fast! Which means we can go to step 3 and…

3) Clean out the bench

Of the current bench players:

-Cora

-Hairston (once Zimmerman is healthy)

-Stairs

-Bixler

-Pudge

-Nix

Four are bringing value to the club. Under my plan, Nix is promoted to the starting lineup. Cora has done well as a pinch-hitter, plays good-to-very-good infield defense, and provides veteran leadership for a young middle infield (Espinosa and Desmond, two building blocks, are both under 25). Hairston has been similarly decent, and has stepped up big to fill in for Zimmerman at 3B. Pudge has also been a pleasant surprise, in the sense that he’s handled the transition to backup backstop gracefully (take notes, Jorge!), hasn’t been as atrocious at the plate as was expected, and plays great defense, gunning down runners at second as well as ever. He also provides veteran leadership, serves as a mentor for Ramos (whom he needs to groom to handle Strasburg next season), and has a good relationship with the pitching staff.

As for the other two guys, there's no gentle way to put it: they stink. No judgment on them as people, obviously, but they're not getting it done on the field.

Stairs is 43, and despite all the talk about how he’s a born pinch-hitter, the numbers don’t lie (.097 BA, .263 OBP). The guy doesn’t have it anymore. He’s too old to bring anything else to the club other than hitting, like defense or baserunning, and if you’re not doing that, why are you here? A pinch-hitter who can't hit belongs on the Island of Misfit Toys, along with the bird that can't fly, the Charlie in the Box, and the train with square wheels. He’s reportedly a hell of a nice guy and a good leader, but we already have veteran clubhouse leaders in Cora and Pudge (I’d include Werth here by virtue of his age and pedigree, but from everything I’ve read he’s kind of a Josh Beckett-style lone wolf in the clubhouse). I doubt he has minor league options, so let’s grant him his release while there’s time for him to latch on with another team and let him exit gracefully.

As for Bixler—look buddy. You’re probably a nice dude, too, but you're in the wrong line of work. Earlier this year, you came in as a pinch-runner this year and immediately got picked off at second to end the inning. (Total stolen bases: 0.) Needless to say, you also can’t hit (BA .133, OBP .188), and your appearances as a PH have not been noteworthy. It’s not like your defense is so stellar that we’d keep you around as a late-inning defensive replacement (see: LaRoche). It would be one thing if you were 23 and just breaking in, and we could chalk it up to rookie ineptitude. You’re 28—go get a respectable job, settled down, buy a house. You can’t help this team win.

Bernadina will be a more-than-suitable replacement as a PH and PR—he’s better than Bixler and Stairs at both. He also gives you youth and a piece to build around as the outfield ages. It’s unlikely that Nix, Ankiel and Morse will ALL be here next season, leaving room for Bernadina and possibly Bryce Harper if he’s ready. Worst-case scenario, you put Harper on the bench and work him in gradually, like they did with Ramos, and dump one of Hairston, Cora, or LaRoche.

4) Use this lineup

So to recap, under the Macintosh Plan, the lineup would be:

1. Espinosa 2B

2. Ankiel CF

3. Zimmerman 3B

4. Werth RF

5. Morse 1B

6. Nix LF

7. Ramos C

8. Desmond SS

9. Pitcher

Bench:

OF: Bernadina (#1 PR)

3B-OF: Hairston (#1 PH)

SS-2B: Cora

1B: LaRoche

If you're keeping score at home, that's switch, lefty, righty, righty, righty, lefty, righty, righty, pitcher, with three lefties and a righty on the bench.

Which leaves only...

5. Leave the pitching staff alone

The pitching staff has been incredible considering the low expectations, and we have a strong, young bullpen that has performed well under pressure. It’s probably Livan’s last year as a reliable starter, but next season Strasburg should be able to step in seamlessly for him, leaving a rotation of Strasburg, Marquis (if he's still here), Lannan, Zimmermann, and Gorzelanny. That's not a half-bad rotation, even in the same division as the Phillies--young, hard-throwing, and with a veteran anchor in Marquis.

As for the bullpen: last season, the Nats' closer, Matt Capps, was a legitimate All-Star (not just one those "every team has to have one" All-Stars--looking at you, 2006 Brian Fuentes!). But a genuine closer is value wasted on a last-place team that isn't going to need a closer very often, so the Nats did the smart thing and dealt him to Minnesota for a pair of prospects that included current starting catcher Wilson Ramos, who's a budding star and a building block for the future.

The bullpen situation this year is different. It's young, loaded with live arms (Clippard, Rodriguez, Burnett, and Kimball), and boasts a star closer of the very near future in Drew Storen. There are also a couple promising pitchers in the farm system, foremost among them Colin Balester. That's why I think the Nats should take care not to gut this bullpen too thoroughly if they try to make another legitimate big-market team move and go after a bat. The team got lucky once that it could unload a stud closer and count on another one waiting in the wings, but if Daniel Bard's 2011 season is any indication, being designated a "closer-in-waiting" is never a sure thing.

For the zero of you still reading, this concludes my five-step program for fixing the Nationals. Let it be known that I've been putting in my time with this team since their third year in DC, paying my dues at dozens of 1-0 home losses to the Marlins, so that I have some serious fan credibility when this team turns into a contender in what I hope is the not-so-distant future.

Rewind

2011-05-16T10:14:00.005-04:00

Unfortunately last week I typed an entire piece on LeBron, as well as other NBA stories, and apparently the site was under repair, so one of the longer pieces I've ever written was exiled to cyber space-never to return again. It will live on in my mind with other great accomplishments of mine that only I witnessed, along with the summer I watched every Mike and the Mad Dog from June through the first week of September (I was 14 and single at the time shockingly), and my junior year of orchestra when I was the only who knew that I didn't play a single note the entire year. Nevertheless we march forward.

Watching the Bulls bully the Heat last night was refreshing for any Heat antagonist, after watching Wade and friends steamroll opponents for the first two rounds of the playoffs. "Little boy" as dannymac calls him Chris Bosh, turned in a decent performance offensively, but was also part of the problem for the Heat, as he lead a front court that allowed seventeen offensive rebounds to the Bulls... by the end of the third quarter! The Bulls front line are going to give the Heat headaches the entire series. It got me thinking that the Heat should have complimented Wade and LeBron differently this summer, and subsequently that made me think of the larger picture. There are a lot of teams that would like to have played the Free Agent Summer of 2010 bonanza differently looking back. Excluding Wade and LeBron, because obviously every team would take both of them if they had the chance, it's interesting to look at what the big players from last summer would do different if they had a mulligan, and working under the premise that every free agent except LeBron and Wade are available to make an offer to.

Atlanta Hawks

The Hawks for whatever reason played the Bulls well the entire season. Sometimes in basketball a team is the right matchup for you. The problem with the Hawks is that in a series where the opponent played poor, and the Hawks stole game one on the road...it was still nothing more than a ho hum six game series. That's what this Hawks ceiling is-giving a second round opponent a tough series.

The biggest problem the Hawks have is that they are stuck with this team for the next five years. Why? Because they gave their third most important player the largest contract in the history of the NBA. That's right, MR. Personality himself Joe "I even bore my parents" Johnson, has given the Hawks two options:

1. Keep the team as it is since all their money is tied up-and get bounced in the first or second round for the next five years. Or...

2. Trade their most valuable player-Josh Smith-for cap flexibility, but again, that would involve trading one of three players in the league who could ever get you a quadruple double (by my estimation the other two are Chris Paul with points, rebounds, assists, and steals-and Dwight Howard with points, rebounds, blocks, and ignored illegitimate children) on their best night.

Looking back, the Hawks would have been better off letting Joe walk away. Jamal Crawford could have started and replaced most of Joe's offense anyways. They could have spent half of the money that they spent on Johnson, and made their team into a defensive juggernaut for the next couple of years, by signing Tony Allen, and making their team impossible to score against with the weak side shot-blocking of Smith and Horford. The offense would have been enough for now, as we've seen Jeff Teague will be a good pro. The ironic thing is that the Hawks give the ball to Crawford, not Johnson at the end of all close games anyway. Letting Joe walk would have given them so much flexibility for when a more dynamic game changing player became available. Then they can finally do us all a favor and dump Starvin Marvin's carcass at Fulton County Stadium next to Ironman Haywood and that rocking lunatic Leo Mazzone.

Celtics

Lost in the nonsense and excuse-making of losing Kendrick Perkins, was the fact that the Celtics had to decide on Paul Pierce and Ray Allen's future last year. One day were going to look back on this Celtics team, and look at them like the 04 Pistons. A team that acted like they were a dynasty by their attitude and the way the media portrays them. In reality they are a really good but flawed team that won a title and came close to another. Now, it looks as though the Celtics are locked into an aging, flawed lineup for the next three years. Throw in the fact that apparently grown men stop playing as hard when someone gets traded-as happened in the Perkins trade-and honestly this roster is an aging mess. What could they have done this summer?

I say that as much back lash as it would have caused, you had to let at least one of the two in the Pierce/Allen duo walk. If it were me, I would have let Pierce and Allen go. Look I understand what a great player Pierce has been. However, if you are looking at the franchise, it's obvious that Rondo is their best, and only young talent, so the future is about building around him. The reality is that Pierce and Rondo aren't a great long term match. Both want the ball all the time. The problem is that for the first forty two minutes of a game Rondo has the ball when Pierce wants in, and that flips in the last six minutes. It's become/becoming a problem. As for Ray, I'm a HUGE fan, but you can replace a shooter-obviously not of his caliber-at a huge discount.

I would have built around Rondo, and the front line of Perkins and Garnett. The next question is what do they do with that money? I would matched Memphis' offer and signed Rudy. Basically he's a more athletic, slightly less gritty version of Pierce, and also about 25 years younger. When Garnett came off the books at the end of next season, the Celtics would have had loads of cap room (thanks to Rondo's friendly contract) to build around Rondo, Gay, and Perkins. Instead the Celtic fans will watch Rajon Rondo and the Disabled 3 get picked apart by anybody who can slash for the next two or three years. Have fun.

Chicago Bulls

As the Bulls destroyed the Heat by essentially pushing them around, something stood out to me. Carlos Boozer was the one person who didn't seem like he was that tough. He wasn't pushing anyone around, or more athletic than the Heat's front line. I was blown away by Noah's second and third attempts at rebounds. I was blown away by everything about Taj Gibson, and even that big dork from Turkey. Just not Boozer.

If the Bulls had a rewind button, they never would sign Boozer. They already have Gibson, who is emerging as one of the most electric players in the NBA. Someone who defensively can guard every position, and who has range on his jumpshot out to fifteen feet. Boozer out of the way would mean more playing time for Gibson, which as we've seen, is a very very good thing. the player you sign instead? Joe Johnson.

Ignore the fact that I just bashed him. That was me bashing him as a number one option for a great team. If you pit Rose and Johnson's shooting together, that would be the best backcourt in the NBA by a mile, which would also happen to be playing with the best defensive frontcourt. Remember, Chicago had the cap space to sign Wade and James this last summer. Signing one max free agent would still leave cap space to make moves. Having an additional play maker to compliment Rose would take the pressure off of everybody, and to me assured a dynasty in Chicago. Of all the scenarios, that one may be the most fun to think about.

Miami Heat

Quite simply, they wouldn't have signed any of the players they have except for Wade and James. the max money that they gave to Chris Bosh, as well as Mike Miller & Co. could have paid for some pretty good players, who would compliment James and Wade better. Believe it or not, I would keep Joel Anthony as the starting center, he is a beast at protecting the rim.

I would have signed the following players to support the Big 2: Luis Scola, Anthony Morrow, Ronnie Brewer. For about half of the money they paid Bosh and the rest of the little boys, they could have had these players who would have upgraded their defense, shooting, and to me at least, Scola is 85% the offensive player that Bosh is anyways. Brewer would have been able to guard opposing quick guards, and Morrow would have given James Jones a partner in one trick pony crime. Instead Miami is locked into a player that admitted he was scared in game three of f second round series. At least Scola would provide a token fat guy.

Oklahoma City Thunder

I would have made one simple move. Give Ray Allen an offer he can't resist. Just imagine the looks he would have playing with Durantula and Westbrook. Allen on OKC and Joe Johnson on the Bulls would have made the Finals epic. OKC has Sefolosha so they're good...

Knicks and Nets

Believe it or not, both teams did exactly what they had to do. Neither team panicked when they lost out on LeBron and Wade. Both teams are incomplete but on the right track, and we will see. this summer and next are huge for both of them. It will be fascinating to see which one gets Howard, and who gets Paul. For once though, my Knicks did something right.

Teasa

2011-05-11T15:57:00.000-04:00

What to do with the Lakers going forward?
Do the Mavs have the chops to continue their run?
What member of the 03 Orange title team did I see at a Chinese Restaraunt by the bus station in Downtown Syracuse???

You'll never guess who...stay tuned...

On record Buzzer predictions

2011-05-04T12:24:00.002-04:00

Here are the predictions that we all made in writing so we can determine the biggest NBA G

Client 9: Heat beat Celtics in 7, Bulls kill Hawks, Grizzlies over Thunder, LAkers in 5

HEat beat Bulls in epic, Lakers over Grizz

LAkers over HEat in 7

DannyMacintosh: Heat in 6, Bulls kill Hawks, Grizzlies beat Thunder, Lakers in 5

Heat over Bulls, LAkers over Grizz

Lakers over Heat in seven as NBA makes refs rig a seven game series...and Chris BOsh plays like "a little boy"

Pappy: Celtics in 6, Bulls in six or seven, Grizzlies over Thunder, Lakers in 5

Bulls over Celtics, Lakes over Grizz

LAkers over Bulls as Phil goes to Montana

Steviedep: Heat in 5 or 6 but probably 5, Bulls in seven, Thunder in 7, Lakers in 6

Heat over Bulls in 5, Thunder over Lakers in 6

HEat over Thunder in 5-as I puke to myself

NBA Playoffs First Round Podcast, Part 2

2011-05-03T21:49:00.007-04:00

Here is Part 2 of the Podcast, Part 1 is here. Here we make predictions, talk about the Lakers, Derrick Rose, referees, and whatever else. Be on the lookout for MacIntosh taking a trip into the bathroom (you can hear the drip) and our semi-in depth discussion of the Royal Wedding.

Part 2 is here. Click to listen in your browser, or right-click (Mac: ctrl+click) to download

Again, the track comes from the Buzzer's Client 9 featuring Mwelwa, "La Famiglia" (give him some listens at http://www.myspace.com/client9music)

NBA Playoffs First Round Podcast, Part 1

2011-05-03T21:21:00.006-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, click this link that says THIS LINK to listen to a podcast featuring myself, MacIntosh, Steve, and Client 9. We discuss the Grizzlies, Z-Bounds and Marc Gasol's pronounciation of the term, Andre Agassi's wigs and other minutiae.

THIS LINK Click to listen in your browser, or right-click (Mac: ctrl+click) to download

The song is our own Client 9's "Can't Touch Me." Check him out here: http://www.myspace.com/client9music

Playoff Blog

2011-04-29T14:18:00.003-04:00

Thoughts from a Wizard

Dirk Nowitzki gets better with time

I never thought I would ever say anything positive about this David Haselhoff groupie, but his play has left me no choice. Over the years people have been fair to call him soft. The 07 playoffs against the Warriors was not his best, as he struggled against an eight seed as that season's MVP of the league. People won't let him forget that a team that he led was up 13 with eight minutes left in a game that would have put his team up 3-0 in the finals-and lost the game...and series eventually. We think about the Mavs teams of the early 2000's with Ulysses S.Nash as the starting point guard spot, and that a team with those two great weapons never did anything in the playoffs.
I wont make excuses for the poor play in some of those situations for Dirk, but we can put those moments in context. In 07 I'm not sure how many teams if any would have beaten that Warriors team in the first round the way they played. I thought the series had a lot more to do with Golden State winning than it did with the Mavs losing. The Warriors played out of their minds confident basketball, and the electricity of their home crowd made the OKC crowds of this years playoffs seem like a Nets home game in January. People will forget that the Warriors would actually have won that series in 5 games had Dirk not been nothing short of spectacular at the end of that game to save the Mavs. The Miami series was certainly another case for Dirk's "soft" label. However, most would agree that no series since the 2002 Lakers Kings series has been as poorly officiated. Unfortunately it was atrocious in favor of the Heat. Two games were so blatantly officiated in the Heat's favor, that I truly considered not watching game six of those finals-what was the point? As for the rest of Dirks playoff failures, I maintain that he's never had any help.
Name the best interior player he's played with. Go ahead. This may sound crazy (and also a blatant blond haired/mustached pairing) but give Dirk Larry Bird's roster, and vice versa and we may be looking at something that would change the way that we list the all-time greats. The name of the game in basketball is protecting the rim, rebounding, and getting easy buckets in the half court. Larry Legend happened to play with perhaps the all time best front court, while Dirk has played with Shawn Bradley, Eric Dampier, DeSagna Diop, Tyson Chandler, Chris Washburn, Bartolo Colon, and John Candy. Having an outstanding supporting cast gives you the opportunity to be one of the all time greats, and showcase your skills when everyone is watching in June, instead of only diehards in April. That's why Kobe is suddenly a top seven player ever with his cast, and Chris Paul may never crack the top 50, and Dirk may never crack the top ten.
The last few years Dirk has taken the criticism that he's soft, and actually developed into a pretty tough player. Aside from being without debate the most skilled big ever, he now is tough and a clutch performer. Last night when the Blazers had it rolling at home, and some scrub from the Blazers bench gave him a cheap shot, he responded by taking the game over, and leading his team to a road series clinching win in a hostile environment (including finishing the game 8/8 at the line in the final minute). Old Dirk would have let that psyche him out and folded. I've got to give him props for continuing to lead an old mediocre team to success. I've got to give him credit as his teams get consistently screwed by the officials because the rest of the league hates Mark Cuban (seriously-look up the numbers and tell me how Joey Crawford is still consistently assigned to Mavericks games-it's absurd), and he takes it in stride and never complains. For once I want to give Dirk some love, because he's earned it.

Terrible End of Game Coaching

I want to start this rant by saying that I think Lionel Hollins has done an outstanding job coaching the Grizzlies. Now I will bash him, and all coaches who think like him.

For all you coaches out there who are up three at the end of a game and don't foul-you are a disgrace to your job. I've just had enough. There's no reason that the Grizzlies shouldn't be preparing for a game one against the Thunder, instead of a game six against the Spurs. What a pathetic cop out to blame the players for not guarding the three point line well enough. They probably could have been a bit further out, but Gary Neal hit a double teamed fading three from thirty feet that the defenders forced him into. These are N-B-A players though, they all can hit tough shots that are defended well. You can't leave it to chance that a pro will make a great play, and just try and play tight defense at the end of a game.
I can name a lot of big games in the last few years where teams down three with a couple seconds left have tied the game on a three. How about somebody out there name a game, playoff or regular season where the opposing team tied it up down three when they've been fouled? The odds are so low that every part of that equation will go right that you almost never see it?
So what is the argument coaches make against fouling up three? Rubbish.
It's that you never want to go from a situation where you take the situation from worse case scenario tie-to worse case scenario that you lose. This may be the most insane argument I've heard in my life. Let's walk through what it would take for that to happen. The team down three would be fouled with somewhere in the ball park of 2-6 seconds left. That player would first have to make the first free throw-no guarantee at all. The next step is having the shooter miss the second free throw purposely and perfectly. No easy task, how many times have we seen the shooter by mistake make the second free throw, or throw it off the back board without hitting rim, both of which end the situation. We will assume that the shooter misses. The ball has to get a lucky bounce AND one of the three big men you've put in the game to get the rebound has to ta the rebound. That miracle tap on the miracle perfect miss would then have to go to the maybe two people on the floor who can shoot threes (remember you've put all your big in to get the rebound). That person must then catch the ball, be behind the line, and take what will more than likely be a rushed contested three as time is running down and your momentum takes you away from the basket (because you've had to sprint to the three point line with time running down) and make the shot. There's a reason you probably can't come up with a single game that this has ever happened-because it's nearly impossible to do. Using the logic that it's possible to lose is like not eating your lunch today because a plane could crash into you while you're eating. Yea it could happen, but it never will.
If the Grizzlies go on to lose this series,theycan point to this idiotic end of game strategy that their coach, along with others use. I bet Pop would have fouled.

Quick hits

-I bet Stan Van gets unfairly fired in the off-season. The truth is that Dwight doesn't take the game serious, and his supporting cast are all hasbeens as it turns out. To let that Hawks team beat you in a seven game series is pathetic, and the Magic will use poor Stan as a scapegoat.
-The Bulls will struggle with the Hawks and the series will go six or seven, but the Bulls will ultimately prevail, as Boozer has to do something eventually-right?
-Despite Dirk's great play, the Lakeshow will steamroll the Mavs like one of my steamy poop logs cutting through the water
-Russell Westbrook needs to stop whining because a point guard never should take 30 shots in a game unless he's totally unconscious. If he grows up they will handle Memphis or San Antonio in six.
-Grizzlies will survive their late game blunder, and drum the Spurs tonight.

Until next time kiddies

NBA Playoff Blog

2011-04-27T01:05:00.004-04:00

Honestly I could write an entire piece on Clam Newton, but we'll save that. I'm trying to make a half-hearted effort at a nightly NBA Playoffs blog. Since tonight is the virgin voyage, I'll include action from all of round one. Like Dannymac I'm lazy, so most of my points will be in bullet/hyphen points.

-Chris Paul is a monster
Take a quick moment and compare the two rosters of the Hornets and Lakers. When it's an argument between Carl Landry and Trevor Ariza for New Orleans number two option, it's a miracle you've even made the playoffs. Now consider that neither one of those players wouldn't even crack the Lakers rotation, and that's no joke.
You can't say that it's coaching because well, PHIL JACKSON is on the opposing bench. That leaves only one factor...Chris Paul. The amazing part is that watching him play, he's at least a step slower after his knee injury from last year. He's masterfully adjusted from being the quickest player in the world, to just quick, and hasn't missed a beat. Nobody plays as complete a game as Chris, and nobody plays with such garbage.
The fact that this is a competitive series is just unreal, and a tribute to Paul. After watching game five, the LAkers will win this series, they are just about as far on the other end of the talent spectrum as you can be, but kudos to Paul and Monty Williams for a masterful job.

-The Grizllies would have had a legit title shot with Rudolph Gay
I'm trying to be objective and not overreact to a good stretch of games, but Memphis is for real. They play with an edge that you only see among title contenders (07 Warriors being the other low seed with that swag), they really think they're better than higher seeded teams. Call me crazy, but based on their defense and great complement of big men (that statement would have produced bursts of laughter three years ago when talkng about Zebo and Pau's brother), I would put the current Grizzzlies as the third best team in the West behind LA and OKC. I watched a lot of their games this year, and Memphis played both of those teams well. If Memphis had Rudy Gay, they really could have contended...I mean it. For now I see them losing a six or seven game series to OKC, but they will give OKC a scare.

-Can't wait for Celtics Heat
For all the bozos who bash the current NBA, this series makes you look dumb. What more could you ask for. Factors that will determine this series

Game 1

I think the winner of this game sets the tone, and wins the series. The Celtics need to show that their series against New York wasn't a fluke. The Heat need to prove they can beat a contender when it counts. Based on the way both seasons went, Miami will either gain tons or lose more confidence depending on Game 1

The R's

At this point you can pencil in a 15 and 9 average for KG,and 20, 5, and 4 from Pierce. It's Rondo and Rayray that are the barometer of this Celtics team. If Rondo gets steals and pushes the ball for Allen's threes, the Celtics will cruise

End of Game Situations

What will the HEat do down one with seven seconds left. To win you go to Wade, but they wont,so what will LEBron do?

Prediction: Rrrrrrrrrr...Heat in 6. Rats

-Quick hits

-Orlando v Hawks...who cares but Atlanta in six

-Rooting for RIPcity in game 6, and 7. Maybe it will inspire Cuban to get Dirk teammates. Can anyone tell me the difference between these Maverick bums Dirk has carried and LeBron's Cavs teams? Anybody? Yet only LEbron complained....Nevertheless Dallas in seven

-Bulls sweep next series

-LAkers in six

-Grizz in six

-HEat in five

-Pappy skypes through three of the next four elimination games

I'm out!

Manual Buzzer NFL Mock Draft 2011--QB Club

2011-04-24T18:44:00.006-04:00

I love the NFL draft. Always have. I know a lot of people think that it's stupid, and I'll admit Mel Kiper sitting there making the same comments about "great motor" and "character issues" over and over makes for terrible TV, but I watch it every year without fail. I almost missed a connecting flight out of NYC once because I was in an airport bar watching the crawl in the 5th round and waiting to see if Ohio State LB Marcus Freeman would get taken. I can't really explain it--I just love the draft.

This year, of course, the draft coverage will be permeated with awkward, repetitive, oh-my-God-just-stop-it discussions of the labor situation and the absence of players at Radio City Music Hall. I might skip viewing it just for that reason. But that won't stop me from writing this Official Manual Buzzer Mock Draft, with some help from my sidekick (and sometime Twitter contributor), the wisecracking bivalve himself, Clam Newton.

Here's how I'm going to do this: Instead of the typical mock draft format (by NFL team), I'm going to go by player, covering as many notables as I can before I get too lazy. Only doing QBs for now because I can't imagine having too much interesting stuff to say about the 39 defensive ends that are projected to go first round in this draft.

1) Cam Newton, Auburn

Where He'll Go: #1 overall, Carolina

Where He Should Go: #1 overall, Carolina

Here's the math. There are eight teams that definitely need a QB in this draft (Dolphins, Bengals, Titans, Vikings, Panthers, Seahawks, Cardinals, 49ers) and four others that aren't in dire straits at the position, but wouldn't mind having a potential franchise guy to develop for a year or two (Bills, Jaguars, Raiders, Redskins). There are six QBs in this draft that are viewed as potential NFL starters (Newton, Gabbert, Mallett, Locker, Dalton, Ponder) and a three others that are viewed as draft-worthy, but not standout quality (Kaepernick, Stanzi, McElroy). Any way you slice it, demand exceeds supply for NFL-ready, Week One Starter-type QBs in this year's draft, which means that Newton, widely regarded as the best in the class, will go very quickly. Throw in a few free-agent or trade-bait veterans looking for a home (Vince Young, Kevin Kolb, Donovan McNabb) and the scales balance back a little, but the baggage carried by those players makes it more likely teams will want to build through the draft--the model exercised successfully by last year's Super Bowl teams.

Although the money that comes with the #1 overall pick makes Newton a risk for Carolina (especially given his character issues), I think it's still a good fit for him for a few reasons.

-One, he'll be behind a decent offensive line and supported by a good running game, so he won't be a tackling dummy like David Carr and Alex Smith were. He'll have some time to learn an offense.

-Two, expectations will be low--it would be hard to be worse than the pu-pu platter of QBs Carolina trotted out last year (Matt Moore, Jimmy Clausen, Brian "BISP" St. Pierre, and I think Vinny Testaverde snuck in there for a few snaps too). Carolina's not a huge football market, so it's not like he'll be under the bright lights in New York. If the team goes 3-13 they've improved on last season.

-Three, it's a fairly soft division as far as defenses go. Atlanta is getting old on defense, Tampa is still young and green, and the Saints are just wimpy--ask Beef Moe about their tackling prowess. Could be a lot worse for a rookie QB learning to read NFL defenses.

Clam Newton Says:

"In the NFC South, you need a QB to succeed...Luckily for the Panthers, Cam's the pearl of this year's class! Cam will face two tough defensive tests in Week 2 (Packers) and Week 4 (Bears), but I shouldn't have any difficulty handling this brutal schedule until Week 17 at New Orleans--let's hope they don't try to put me in a gumbo! And you thought Cam was in hot water in college!"

2) Blaine Gabbert, Missouri

Where He'll Go: #3 overall, Buffalo

Where He Should Go: #5 overall, Arizona

If Cam Newton has the potential to be the next Roethlisberger, I see no reason why Gabbert can't be the next Aaron Rodgers. Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I watched a ton of Missouri football, because I didn't--I had a hard enough time finishing my econ thesis just watching the Big 10. I did, however, watch some of his tape, as well as the always-excruciating Jon Gruden QB camp special, and I like what I've seen so far. The build, the footwork, the accuracy (63.4% his last year in college), and the quiet confidence are all very reminiscent of Rodgers. Plus his hair is reminiscent of Ronnie "Sunshine" Bass from "Remember the Titans", so that's a plus in my book--shows that he's not afraid to step up to the veteran leadership on a team and/or take the black guys to a whites-only diner.

YOST!!! HE'S TAKIN' ALAN OUT!!!

Word on the street is that the Bills owner really likes Gabbert, and likes the idea of schooling him under Ryan Fitzpatrick for a season before giving him the keys to the franchise; the Cardinals, meanwhile, are rumored to have lost interest in Gabbert in favor of CB Patrick Peterson or DE Robert Quinn.

My opinion: Ryan Fitzpatrick is a more-than-adequate starter in Buffalo, a team that has major needs at just about every position. If you want to have two quality quarterbacks on your roster to take turns getting beaten to a pulp behind a terrible O-line while trying to throw their way out of a 28-0 hole every game, be my guest.

Similarly, Arizona: You had a Super Bowl-quality team three seasons ago. Some of those pieces are still there. What you really need is a legitimate QB that can learn against weak NFC West defenses for a year before Larry Fitzgerald (or one of his fantasy owners) takes hostages at University of Phoenix Stadium.

Clam Newton Says:

"I'll be honest--I didn't watch much Big 12 football last season, either. Technically, I'm a scallop--as in, helping my dad Seacil Newton "scallop" tickets to Cam's games--so I have eyes, but most other clams don't, and when I have the guys over on Saturdays I figure it's tasteless to show off by watching TV when they can't. Anyway, I like this Gabbert kid, but Seacil says I'd better clam up now before he passes Cam on the Big Board! You don't want to cross Seacil--talk about Miss-ou-rey!

3) Ryan Mallett, Arkansas

Where He'll Go: #43, Minnesota

Where He Should Go: #35, Cincinnati

Mallett is likely a second-rounder, because the QB-needy teams that are picking in the first round a) are picking too high to justify taking the second-tier QBs (Mallett, Locker, Dalton, Ponder) and b) have a plethora of other needs to fill. The Vikings need to rejuvenate their D-line, with the Williams Wall steadily crumbling and Ray Edwards a free agent. Given the sheer number of can't-miss D-line prospects in the first round, the Vikes have to take one at #12. Likewise, Cincy desperately needs a No.1 receiver with the fourth pick--most expect them to take A.J. Green.

Cincy supposedly likes Andy Dalton because TCU's offense is similar to the Bengals'. While it's not a terrible pick, I think Mallett is the better fit--he's big (6'6") and strong like the soon-to-be-departed Carson Palmer, loves the deep ball, and has all kinds of character issues--in short, he's the perfect Bengal. If he wears #9 for Cincy like he did at the combine (see above), I don't think any of the fans would even notice Carson left. A Mallett-to-Green connection sells more tickets than Dalton-to-Green, but I wouldn't be surprised if he fell to #43 and the panicked Vikings.

Clam Newton Says:

"Stock down! Stock down! Last time I got this close to a mallet, I was watching my cousin Doug get smashed to pieces on a Joe's Crab Shack plate!"

4) Andy Dalton, TCU

Where He'll Go: #35, Cincinnati

Where He Should Go: #39, Tennessee

The buzz on this guy so far has been "get your redhead jokes in now, because he's going to surprise everyone as a pro." In my opinion, you should get your redhead jokes in now, and then think of some more, and then save them for football season, because there's no way this guy has a Pro-Bowl season at the helm of the retooled Bengals offense, which is where I think he'll end up. Plus the "Gingers Have Souls" kid (above) gave us enough fodder for years to come.

The Titans are one of the aforementioned teams that absolutely needs a QB--new head coach Mike Munchak says Vince Young is definitely gone (and by the way, if you're looking for the real "coach killer"/"locker room cancer" on last year's Titans team, it wasn't Randy Moss), Kerry Collins is a free agent and is also old and bad, and Rusty Smith should never be a Week 1 starter in this or any universe, including the universe in which The Replacements took place.

But the Titans also have other needs all over the defensive side of the ball, and if they take one of the 96 DEs that grade out as 1st-round picks at #8, they can breathe easier if they can't re-sign Justin Babin. Some analysts have them taking Jake Locker at #8 out of sheer desperation, but he's not a top-10-pick caliber player. They have 9 picks this year (an extra 4th and 7th rounder), and I could see them trading their mid-round picks with a non-QB-needy team to move up into the high 2nd round and guarantee their choice of Dalton, Locker, Mallett, and Ponder. (The Pats, at #33, would be an ideal trading partner, because they don't need a QB, and Belichick has always been fond of trading down for more picks.)

I could also see them trading some picks (maybe a 1st and 3rd rounder) for Kevin Kolb or Caleb Hanie and being satisfied with a young, lower-mid-range starter. They could grab a DE (ex. Adrian Clayborn of Iowa or maybe even Cam Heyward of Ohio State if he's still there) in the 2nd.

The Buzzer asked Titans expert Kige Ramsey for comment, but was too busy spamming Scripture T-Shirts pictures, quizzes, and "Fun Facts" to Facebook to answer the phone.

Clam Newton Says:

"Yowza! That's some flaming red hair! Last time I saw hair like that, it was on a knockout named Ariel. My cousins Dave and Jamal somehow lucked into a gig where they worked full-time as her bra. Son of a bitch, those were some lucky clams! Even if they were dead when they got the job. Actually, put that in my will!"

5) Jake Locker, U. Washington

Where He'll Go: #41, Washington Redskins

Where He Should Go: #57, Seattle

Shanny reportedly likes this kid, and the Skins can suffer through another year (or at least 6 games) of McNabb or Rex Grossman until they deem Locker ready (or until they can't take any more McNabb/Rex). Tough enough mentally to handle Shanny and Dan Snyder's miserable treatment of QBs. Not a terrible fit, but I think he makes more sense in Seattle--the bar is set low with Hasselbeck (a free agent) and Whitehurst, it's a weak defensive division, and he'll have his hometown and college fans at every game. The level of receiving talent is miserable in both situations (although the Skins are well positioned to nab Julio Jones in the first round), but the Seahawks have a better line, a better defense, and an adequate run game, all of which take the pressure off of Locker.

Clam Newton Says:

"Did you expect me to make some kind of pun involving Jake Locker and Davy Jones' Locker? Well, guess again. I hated the third Pirates of the Caribbean--it just made bivalves look buffoonish and undignified--and, for your information, "Davy Jones' Locker" is nothing more than a grimy gay bar at the bottom of the Atlantic. It's not this underwater Valhalla you all keep making it out to be. Oh, and Jake Locker sucks--hey kid, hope getting your degree was worth dropping into the second round! You know Sam Bradford? That could be you!"

6) Christian Ponder, Florida State

Where He'll Go: #39, Tennessee

Where He Should Go: #45, San Francisco

A lot of boards have Ponder as the third or fourth QB taken, usually above Mallett and Locker. I could see him going at #39 (after Dalton but before the other two) to Tennessee, simply because there are fewer questions about him than Mallett or Locker (albeit with slightly less upside). He'd be a safe choice for a franchise in turmoil.

HOWEVAH. I like him less than most people do going into this draft, and I think he makes more sense in San Francisco. The Alex Smith era is clearly over, and the 49ers need someone who'll be ready by Week 5 or 6 to take over, if not Week 1. Troy Smith is a free agent and, even if they brought him back, he wouldn't be the answer. (Sorry Troy, you know I love you, but you're better as a backup.)

The Niners can't subject their fans to another 1st-round QB draft pick, especially in a year where there's no such thing as a sure thing at the position--it makes the most sense for them to take Patrick Peterson at #7 to start opposite, and eventually succeed, Nate Clements. Peterson is a bigger pure talent than any of the QBs after Newton and Gabbert, and the 49ers need to return to form on defense. (Unless Gabbert somehow falls out of the top 6, in which case all bets are off.)

Ponder is, as I said, a safe pick, and lets the Niners walk away from the first two rounds with some confidence that they've improved their team. John Harbaugh knows he can't afford to stock up on defense this year and gamble that he can grab Andrew Luck next season--the hook is too quick for NFL head coaches now.

Clam Newton Says:

"I like Christian Ponder because he's a Bobby Bowden product. Bobby is a great friend of the underwater community--I'll never forget the time he dove headfirst off of a fanboat in the Everglades to wrestle an alligator that stole his cooler. Once he subdued it, he could have killed it, but instead, he decided to give him a stern talking-to and suspend him for the first quarter of the GoDaddy.com Bowl. A wise man, and a man of the sea at heart."

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That should just about do it for me--see you on the 28th.

Checkout Time for New York and Denver

2011-04-22T21:51:00.014-04:00

I guess you can call it a Renaissance, but like the one that took place in Europe, it still has its occasional drawbacks. Basketball in New York is a different beast. I've played in LA and Philly and Syracuse as well, and while each city has a different style, there is a swag and intensity to playing in New York where the game is worshipped like the rock those natives worship the Sivalinga stone in Temple of Doom. They love the Jets and the Giants, but basketball runs through their veins in a city that so lacks greenery and has a plethora of concrete.

It was with great sadness that I watched the Knicks get railed tonight by the hot-shooting Celtics. One would assume, after coming within a possession that was ruined by too much selfishness and altruism in games 1 and 2, respectively, that the Knicks would rally back and make up a game or two with the C's at home. But that seemed to be lost on the Knicks. Paul Pierce and Ray-Ray shot the crowd out of the game immediately.

Right before the season began, I had the pleasure of winning some sick seats to the Knicks' open practice at the Garden through Amar'e's VIP club (the answer to the trivia question was Frederic Weis). Watching the team go through drills was exciting: this looked like a team that would make noise. I discussed our runs at the JCC with Andy Rautins. After telling Bill Walker about how he indirectly introduced me to Gang Starr through this highlight video

he told me about how Guru was killed by the Illuminati, of which Jay-Z he purported to be a member.

And early in the year they did: they went 9-7 and 8-5 in November and December, respectively, and ended the calendar year above .500 for the first time since 2004-05.

And they weren't too bad after January 1st either. People forget that they took one from the Heat in the Garden on January 27 exactly one month before Melo arrived and gave them that thriller in Miami. Both were excellent efforts from the 'Bockers, but there was a stark difference between the two teams. The balance next to Amar'e would've probably worked out better in terms of wins at the end of the season. I'm sure Donnie Walsh will reload during the summer (if the lockout doesn't prevent free agency first) and make them a better team in '11-'12, but for now, putting Jared Jeffries on the floor during crunch time is not going to solve anything.

While there may be too much star power in Amar'e and Melo for one ball to be shared, Denver's struggles in Oklahoma City could be diagnosed at the other end of the spectrum. Denver runs a legitimate 10 deep, a luxury very few NBA teams afford. Even the Lakers, considered the class of the NBA, have only three big men and can only go nine deep. Denver can put in a Carolina blue team, a lineup that can completely change the pace. Their new leading scorer following Melo's departure, JR Smith, is a part of this unit. So is the beloved Bird Man, Chris Anderson.

To the dismay of many former Sonics fans, the Thunder closed out the series on Wednesday night. And if you were cheering for the Thunder, you might like Durant and Westbrook (I'm also partial to Serge), or you're from Oklahoma. These Nuggets were coming from a point you don't usually see in the Playoffs, lacking any sort of All-Star and no true go-to guy. Durant showed that he is going to be a huge part of this league's future, and as Sir Charles pointed out, "you need THAT dude." The Nuggets lost him in that trade to New York. Sure, JR loves to gun, but Durant blocked his try from 3. Arron Afflalo was unsuccessful on the final shot, and THAT dude

My hypothetical is this: What if they hadn't gone to these extremes, the Miami paradigm in New York, and early 2000's Dallas in Denver (Dirk and Nash and Michael Finley didn't really understand that they needed to step up yet), and kept going with a star surrounded by a complementary supporting cast, would the playoff results have not been so embarrassing?

In New York, Chauncey makes a big 3, but he's old. His injury in the playoffs took away their best 3-point threat and a lot of experience. His extension is only there to fill space until Chris Paul becomes a free agent after next year. They gave up a lot to get Billups, Melo, and Renaldo Balkman wearing a bowtie on the bench. Giving up a bright future of Raymond Felton, who showed that signing was no fluke and proved a competent complement to Amar'e in the pick and roll, Danilo Gallinari and Wilson Chandler, who were also coming into their own as complements to Amar'e. Now that is stripped down, with Toney Douglas, Landry Fields, and Shawne Williams remaining, which is nowhere near enough to complement Melo and Stat on offense or defense. Add the free agent signing of Jared Jeffries to the mix, who somehow put Melo's bitchslap behind him, and you have a mess. At least Miami's players filled roles. None of these guys can do anything really well. They're all great players, but this isn't a college team. The NBA demands specialists. Miami overcame this issue with guys like James Jones and Eddie House to shoot 3's and Mike Bibby and Mario Chalmers (no relation to the author) to take some ballhandling duties from LeBron and Wade and also wait for open 3's. Of course, Joel Anthony and Damp are there to hack dudes and block shots. Turiaf fills that last role, and Roger Mason, if he ever actually got time could be that shooter, but he never played this year (I guess he only worked for Popovich, somehow). Otherwise, these guys are there to do everything else. The definite roles among the supporting cast would be good for the Knicks next year.

Free agency will have Roger Mason, Shawne Williams, Shelden Williams, Anthony Carter, and Jared Jeffries be unrestricted free agents. Donnie Walsh should probably let everyone of these guys besides Shawne walk away, as the rest of this group were ineffective during their tenures with the Knicks and I wouldn't say there is any sort of hope of them making future contributions. Then again, Mason seemed to never have a chance, getting into only 26 games, with only 4 games of over 20 minutes of playing time. The most came in the last game of the season, where he took 31 minutes as D'Antoni rested his starters.

The Knicks are screwed in terms of their drafting capabilities, with no first round picks in 2011. Luckily, they'll finally pick in the first round in 2012, their last being Houston's Jordan Hill in 2009, who barely played during his time in New York.

Denver, on the other hand, has great prospects going forward even with this ridiculous balance. They'll probably keep JR Smith and probably let Kenyon go while going after a complementary 4 in the draft. Nene will be kept around, and an offer to Afflalo will definitely be matched. Chandler's fade at the end of the contract year was not helpful for himself, and I expect him to stay with the Nuggets without the raise he would've had if he had kept up the pace from earlier in the year. But will they get THAT dude? Could Afflalo and JR step up next year to both fill this role?

While the sea changes each of these teams made got them into the playoffs, their styles and lack of chemistry due to the shorter time together, ended up hurting them in the repeated encounters of playoff series. Both teams have the chance to build on their experiences: the Nuggets will probably look to add a 4 to replace Martin in the draft, as the success of their system could be even greater with a full season together. The Knicks will try to add role players but maintain the cap space to get Chris Paul a max deal next summer. Knicks fans will be pleasantly surprised by Donnie Walsh's efforts. (Maybe even James Dolan will stop thinking about hiring Isiah again. I wouldn't call him a friend to the public after what he did to this team.) Expect an appearance in at least the second round, and then expect Chris Paul to be delivered to their doorstep.

Look out for the Playoffs podcast coming out either Sunday or Monday. A lot of awesome things will be discussed.

Springtime, the only little thing time

2011-04-22T08:34:00.002-04:00

ou don't necessarly have to have played on a school team to understand and truly love a sport. As Dannymac, and Pappy can attest, pickup games in whatever sport can produce some of the most unforgettable moments of your life. If Dannymac can call us the Big 3 of the buzzer, than almost surely I can call the three of us the Lakers of pickup basketball. Obiously I would be the Mamba (slightly past my pickup prime of five nights a week, but still very likely to break into a High School gym when its windy outside just to get some run-a la Kobe always having one dominant game a series), Pappy would be Gasol ( a willing sidekick who almost always shows up) and Dannymacintosh as Odom (just as when he shows up the Lakers always win, when dannymac is there its always a hard run). At some point here in CNY the weather is going to turn, and at that point pickup ball will be in full swing. This got me thinking of all the classic memories I've had over the years playing pickup.While I'm sure there are many more, I narrowed it down to the 5best pickup moments I've witnessed first hand. Most of these have nothing to do with wins or losses. Ive tried to narrow down the timeframe of these events the best I could.

5.Slick Rick the Bus Driver
Venue: Berry Park Syracuse
Time: Summer 2005
Berry Park is perhaps the best outdoor competition in the Syracuse area. Back in the 80's and through today, you will catch some of the Orange there trying to play some outdoor ball. It goes without saying that like most great outdoor city venues, the patrons there are "characters." My buddy Jason and I decided to go there one night around seven (primetime there) to get some run. Now I will introduce our characters.
Our first main character was Jun, short for Junior (that's right-his nickname had a nickname!). Junior-at least then-was perhaps the most well known player at Berry. He was in his 30's but didn't look a day under 60. He was a CLASSIC O.G. He once opened a shoe store on S.Geddes street (a really bad section of Syracuse for any readers), and when my buddy and I went to check it out...there was one pair of shoes in the entire store. I', pretty sure the store was only there to do "other business." Anyway Jun had only one move, but it was lethal, and honestly unstoppable. He had a pullup jumper that he would simply take a dribble right, and cock the ball way behind his head as he shot it (his range was realistically 25 ft) and made about 75%-no joke. This and the fact that he was there everyday made him the unofficial leader of Berry Park.

Slick Rick was pretty much the opposite. He was a bus driver, and would show to the park acting like a fool. He would drive the bus to the park first of all, and would do dumb things like talk to us from the bus using the intercom-announcing that he had arrived. Take a moment and imagine that at an inner city park. What made it even better (or worse) was that he played in full body blackarmour and a black bum hat-a reason many nicknamed him Dark Wing Duck. Rick was also pretty obnoxious on the court. He talked a lot, and was one of those 6-4 guys who just shot threes and nothing else-one of those "big for no reason " kind of players. Nobody wanted Rick to play-ever.
This particular evening there were some pretty good runs going, and nobody wanted a fool like that ruining the games. What happened next would have made Rasheed Wallace give a standing ovation. I didn't hear this part, but my friend Jaysaid that Jun muttered something like "this muffin's never playing here again." Jun than proceeded to take the ball from a teammate. As Rick was approaching the sidelines to the court to start shooting around to warm up, Jun fired a fast ball at Rick...AND HIT HIM SQUARE IN THE FACE from about ten to fifteen feet away. As crazy as it sounds in print, it was surreal in person. Rick holding his face turned around, and rumor has it never came there to play again-I certainly haven't seen him.

4. The first five in five night game
Venue: IC PArk in Fayetteville
Time: Summer 2009

No frills, no great endings, just like it sounds. Ten people got together at 1:30 AM to play full court basketball with nothing but the light of my car as lumination. That's dedication.

3. The Dive
Venue: IC Park
Time Period: Spring of 2006

The perfect storm-that's the only way to describe it. It's what happens when a pickup game becomes perfection. Every element was there. Talent-check. Great weather-check. Close game-check. Signature moment-huge check.
Anyone who has ever played pickup knows that mist games are to fifteen win by two. This was the rule at IC. Unlike many parks though, IC did't have a rule like fifteen win by two, twenty one straight. You HAD to win by two. This gorgeous Sunday afternoon, you had a mix of good players, and of course two or three stoners. One of them (to protect the identity we'll call him P) was perhaps the most brain dead burnout I've ever seen in my life. It looked like when he tried to formulate a thought that smoke would come out of his ears, and he'd just fall asleep instead. He couldn't spell the word effort, much less exert any.
The game was tied at fourteen, as yours truly, and Mr. A as well call him, both got scorching hot. The next thing we all knew the game was tied at...31. That's right 31. Nobody wanted to have spent the last hour plus in a hard fought game and lose. That's where P comes in.
With the game tied at 31, his team had the ball. A flashy pass by Mr. A intended to a teammate looks as if it will surely sail out of bounds, giving my team the ball back at this crucial time.
The last line of hope for their team was P. Keep these facts in mind:
1.This pass was one that I'm not sure Manute Bol could have saved if he had Blake Griffin's ups.
2. P wouldn't have dove out of his house if it was on fire and he was diving into a swimming pool of weed, that's just not how he was.

At that moment P made the most spectacular dive I've ever seen anyone make. He was literally parallel to the ground, full extension. Getting to the ball was miraculous enough, but he amazingly saved it to a teammate. Later in the possession their team would score, and they would go on to win the game 33 to 31. The moment was so inspiring, I didn't even care that we lost. Even P understood the magnitude of a 31 to 31 game. Unreal

2. If Only he could Shoot
Venue: Archbald gym at SU
Time: January 09

This was the time period where I was probably playing the best basketball of my life. My two friends JAson and Tee would join me at Archbald gym at SU for ball at least two or three times a week. The competition there was off the charts on certain nights. It was another venue where players would show up from time to time. It had happened earlier in the year, when then freshman Kris Joseph showed up with his crew. My buddies and I literally ran his team out of the gym, it was like 15-6 or something. We were pretty cocky after that I gota admit.
So when Paul Harris showed up (notice this story is January 2009, right well Paul was in the middle of the Big East schedule) we were excited and more than ready to give him and his buddies a game.
Keep in mind that both teams played this game like it was game seven of the Finals. Our team storms out to a 14 to 4 lead.We were just firing two (pickup equivalent of a three) after two, and looked as if we were about to run another Orange out with an L. All we needed was one point.
My friend Tee is a large, and fairly mobile guy. He's a good defender especially if you're not lightning quick. He had the task of guarding HArris.
At the beginning of the game Tee forced him to shoot jumpers, which to no surprise worked out pretty well for us. For some reason though, once our team hit 14, we literally couldn't make a shot. We missed two fast break layups that would have won it. I missed a wide open ten footer, and there was a boat load of turnovers. It had turned into a war. Very slowly, and not all HArris by the way, they tied it up at 14. There was no win by two there, we played straight 15. After a flurry of misses on both ends as the result of great defense, Harris had the ball. I wish the next five seconds never happened.
Paul lulled Tee to sleep, then bursted right to the baseline in flash. He had beaten Tee clearly. In a game this hard fought, my instinct kicked in. Go help out was my thought. On my way over I figured that I ha plenty of time left as Paul was no joke, about ten eleven feet from the basket still. What I remember next was seeing him jump. He leaped right at me like a frigging wild animal coming towards it's pray in the grassland. I wasn't goin to give in. I was going to maul him and show him that I was tough. If I cop had been there he literally could have charged me wit assault I fouled him so hard. What also happened was that it made literally no difference to him. He powered through me like I wasn't there, and I kid you not unleashed one of the most viscious dunks ever right on my head. I'm talking like as good as Rose dunking on Dragic. He also let out the loudest scream I've ever heard as he did it.
Looking back at perhaps the most embarrassing moment of my life I'm glad it happened. It was such an athletic feat to do what he did that I was happy to be part of it. You would have totally understood if you saw it.

1.Crazy J-Rich
Venue:Onondaga Community College
Time:November 2006

Our first semesters in college provided a lot of new faces. Our own Dannymacintosh was home on break from Ohio State, and I decided I wanted him to see the cats I was dealing with. I invited him to come watch an open run at OCC, so he could see the people that were my new family.
To cut to the cahse we will introduce you to the star of the story...J Rich. J Rich was at least 350 pounds at the time. He was also one of the craziest/scariest people I had ever met. He fouled people like he was in a hockey game checking, and at his size it was terrifying, and did I mention he was crazy. He would later that year beat up a kid quarter of his size so bad, that it took no joke five of us to get him off the kid. Hopefully that properly sets the stage.
As usual a fierce game was the root. He was playing against my team. Due to a bunch of incredibly lucky shots his team had jumped out to a 10-2 lead in a game to eleven (by ones and twos). Our team came storming back and tied the game. With the game being next pint win, I stole the ball and tip toed up the left sideline, and made a nifty move to lay it in and win the game.
Well I also had obviously stepped out of bounds, even I knew this, but I just wanted to get out of there with a win. J RIch was having none of that. He literally turned into the Incredible Hulk. IT was scary. Screaming at the top of his lungs, he would not go down with out a fight.
The OCC mens bball coach was the one who ran the open gyms, and he had a clipboard, that kept track of the next five players who would play winners. As the words "the next five" were coming out of his mouth, J Rich grabbed the clipboard out of his hands, and smashed it to pieces on the ground. We all stood there like the kids in the Sandlot when Benny hit the guts out of a baseball. Who smashes a clipboard? For the mere anger he felt in that moment, I will give him my number one spot. Hopefully there will be many more to come.